Life is such a precious thing. However we all spend way too much time brooding about the past, what could have been, what might have been and what was. Its only been recently that I have been looking at what IS. It has helped to get some much needed clarity on things and life as a whole. Realising before it was too late that I push people away because I myself cannot face the uncertain nature of living with Brittle Asthma and what that entails. But the main thing I have to remember, to keep myself grounded is that the minute I give up and stop kicking, thats when I ought to stop taking the meds and lay down and die. And that is just not something I can think about doing, not now. Not anymore.
To hear that someone who I care about is dying and won't recover this time has brought me crashing down to earth and it has put a lot in to perspective. It is tragic that such a beautiful and strong young lady is in that situation and to know what her family knows now, I think its hard for anyone else to comprehend. But it is very sad. Very VERY sad to hear about Rachy and after everything shes been through. I spent some time alone with my thoughts, had a cry, and then thought about it. I then heard that Tor was having her transplant today and it felt bittersweet, almost as though one person was getting their chance while another fades away and that made it all feel even more real than I think I was expecting.
So I sat and I mulled it all over. Well to be honest it only strengthened my resolve further and it reminded me more that what I need to do now, I need to stick with. I need to do this and I need to get to where I need to be because if I didn't then what an insult to those who have lost their lives before the age of 25. There is nothing worse than a person who has so much to offer and so much to give, just giving up and forgetting to live the lives they were blessed with. There is nothing worse than wasted potential and it makes me feel physically sick.
I've been keeping a more personal handwritten diary again and its been as cathartic as usual to just write down whats bothering me or what I am thinking as well as giving me some kind of reference point as to how far I have really come over the last couple of years. I just want so badly to say that all my demons have been beaten, but that would be childish and wrong, but I am getting there, each day. Tom has helped me so much and I am always going to be grateful to have him in my life. There is no other man I would ever want and this is THE one.
I guess right now all we can do is focus on what we can and take even the small victories and smile.
3 years ago