Recently I have been using an old method of keeping my mind off the things going on around me. Some people turn to drink or drugs when things get them down. I used to cut myself when things got too much to handle (it's been 2 years since I managed to stop that, which I am proud of, admittedly I have had moments where I was close to relapse but I kind of gave myself a internal ass-kicking for that) or starving myself because I wanted to be "perfect". I do sometimes go back to the eating disorder side of things and I will admit that I haven't really wanted to eat much, but the way I see it, I don't really do much at the moment but I am trying to make sure I do eat at least once a day. Its not helped me that I've had pneumonia again and while being vulnerable I've picked up a possible case of shingles. Would I be better in the Alex? Possibly but its a double edged sword, I'd be on a ward where I'd be susceptible to all kinds of infections (particularly on a medical ward).
One of the biggest ways I have coped with my life and the barrage of illnesses that I have had to deal with is through my art. Even if its just drawing a character from a book or a game, there is something cathartic about the expression of pencil on paper. I recently brought myself some posh, high quality drawing stuff. I have loads of drawing stuff anyway but sometimes splashing out on something nice can really inspire me to do more. It was because of Becky that I really started to blossom artistically because she basically stopped me tracing things through the laptop screen (I took down all the traced work and was surprised with the stuff left over). She taught me to believe and have confidence in myself (cheesy, I know) and what I can do. To me, that is the most important thing, having someone have faith in you, someone who sees you even on the days when you want to be invisible. Since breaking my hand rather impressively, I got these pains in the knuckle and had to retrain my hand again to draw. In some ways it's changed how I draw and made me better at it.
I could so easily have given up with everything when it got intense but to be honest, I am glad I didn't. Sticking it out proved to me that no matter how hard things get, the people you care about most that are the ones who keep you going. I think that without the people in my life who were always there with love and support, I wouldn't have gotten to this point and lived to tell the tale. They were the ones who would pick me up when I fell over. They were the ones who would give me a hug, tell me it's alright to get scared or upset and they were the ones who then helped me move forward. I do consider myself very VERY lucky that I have people like this in my life and I am not ever really dealing with everything on my own. Not really. Even if I try locking myself away, people can still find me, help me and, to my bemusement, love me. Even on the days when I couldn't even like myself.
So it looks like Valentines for me will be spent in bed and not passing on whatever I have because I don't want it! I don't want to share it! Maybe with a couple of box sets, maybe snuggled up and keeping myself comfy. I'd prefer to spend it with Jace but as chances are, this is contagious, it's not worth us both being sick.