Not really had a good weekend as my chest has been an absolute nightmare. I guess it says a lot when the carer comes in and I'm wheezing and very subdued. Normally I can be accused of being a rather lively character and when I'm comfortable around someone, I can be chatty, bright and generally enjoy being around people. I think I'm still being kicked around by this nasty chest infection. Its a stubborn one to be sure and I'm not sure what happens next. I guess the best thing to do is prepare for the worst but hope for the best. I won't go in to too much detail due to personal safety reasons but we'll find out soon enough. I saw the doctor yesterday and they have told me that it's going to be a hospital job if things go downhill quickly, not trying to manage at home when clearly I can't.
I've been working on more of my illustrations, practising a number of blending and shading techniques. Its funny, when I used to rely on my computer to do the work of editing, I never realised that I was sweeping over a skill I never knew of. The only reason for it I think was a total lack of confidence and a complete mental breakdown. I'm not going to revisit the breakdown and subsequent self harm as a result (I do still have urges to cut but I find I have people to talk to to calm me down and help me not to) but I'm out of the worst of that and my Bi-polar is under control. Its fun when I look in my sketchbooks and I can see a definite refinement of style and control over what I'm doing. Its weird, I started drawing again from the basics, working with pencils then with coloured pencils and finally to proper materials, the higher end stuff which has to be specifically ordered. I wanted to get to the stage where I felt I deserved to use better mediums rather than cheaper, inferior ones. Each pen set I got was a reward for doing something a little better and it made drawing such a pleasure!
Bi-polar is scary. One of the things that makes it worse is Prednisolone at high doses, but unfortunately its one of the things I need because of my asthma. Without the steroids, my asthma would be worse and it is kind of a balancing act between controlling my asthma and not going in to a psychosis state. I know what happens when my mind goes off because no matter how I try, I can't stop my mind or my thoughts, but make no mistake, my mind, my memory and my intelligence are never affected. I'm aware of everything but sometimes its hard to get that nasty, scary cycle of thoughts. Some people think that mental health makes you stupid and that having a mental disorder makes you less of a person. I've been though a lot of things and believe me, to have survived and still be here and I don't take anything as a given. I don't see myself as a victim. I don't see myself as this perfect, whiter than white being. These things have made me stronger and wiser. I'm not a superhuman, I just can't let myself fall in to a state of feeling sorry for myself. I find people who do it pathetic and as a result, I don't give sympathy, nor do I want it. Sympathy is for the weak.
I think my drawing helps me to cope with my illnesses. I've gotten to a point in myself that whenever I feel upset or angry, I have ways of using the energy that would be wasted on something destructive and made it positive. I try not to waste any time on moping or getting back at people because to be honest, if I'm done with something, I'm done. I don't care and it honestly has no bearing on my life.
I come to this following an incident with a certain person who after 4 years needs to seriously back off and leave me, my friends and my family alone. I am currently working to secure a restraining order because I feel that this person will not get the hint unless legal action is taken. If someone really enjoys trying to get to me, then that is their choice and they are the ones whose pathetic behaviour will trip them up in the end, the only time I will even acknowledge a certain person is if I hear from anyone that my privacy has been violated (e.g. my personal information such as my home address being published on a public domain, anyone can put that in to Google and turn up and threaten me, it has happened before and I would rather not have it happen again) and it will be dealt with by the right authorities, other than that, I honestly don't ever mention or do anything that would almost entail giving them attention. I have also asked my friends to not even speak of me to them and if they are ever targeted for anything personal to send me any evidence and it will be added to the rest and action will be taken. I learned quickly that the best way forward in this is to ignore them and make a point of not engaging in any communication in any way, whether that is direct or third party. I don't want anything more to do with this person and I would have thought that the first instances when the police were involved, they would consider the matter over and that would be that. I know they will try and contact me again, but now it is just adding fuel to an already blazing fire, so my last words on that matter are, consider this as a final warning.
Back off. Leave me alone. I am not interested in any correspondence with you in any way, shape or form. I have my own life and have moved on. The only reason I am even mentioning this is that I am sick of the childish, playground politics and I don't want to be involved with any of it.