After recent events and other things trying to distract my attention and draw me away, I had almost forgotten to allow myself time to recuperate, I wound up sleeping most of the last 2 days. It was probably the best defense for me to recover from things that trouble my body. I think that sometimes when my body goes out of the way to make me feel like someone has run me over with some kind of tractor.
Sadly such is the life of someone with T1BA. No matter how hard we try and stay on top of things, take all the breathing treatments, get plenty of downtime and make sure we do everything we need to, it still comes and hits hard between the eyes. That is just the reality of it. That is something I have had to accept, even when I would rather fight with myself. This doesn't make me strong, it just makes me real. Some days there are times when all I want to do is cry for a bit, or theres other days where I smile and know that no matter how bad things get, I'm not alone. The people in my life give me something to smile over... Then I remember that I give them the same thing.
When Becky last stayed over here, she gave me a present. Well she gave me loads of presents, but this one was so poignant. It was a fridge magnet that had some meerkats on (I love meerkats! I read a book about the mob of them from Meerkat Manor and I smiled all the way through). It also had one of the most amazing messages that anyone had ever given me, I actually had tears in my eyes when I read it. "Some days our friendship is the glue that holds me together". That magnet lives on the boiler in my bedroom and it reminds me that even when I feel like no one is there, there is always someone who is maybe just a text or a tweet away, or even a message on Facebook.
I'm thankful, and I feel like I have landed on my feet finally rather than fumbling in the dark. At home it is just me and 5 guinea pigs (sadly Lightning passed away, I miss her, but in some ways I know it is for the best that she isn't here anymore). I do like that because we all sit together and theres cuddles a plenty. I cleaned them out today which I find can be fun, they love to play around on the floor and they're entertaining when they popcorn about. Kadaj has grown so affectionate towards me, always there for cuddles and someone to talk to, along with Gizmo (who is a favourite with my carers), Zell (Becky's guinea), Gaara and Tenzou. They make a house a home.
I do like a routine, but I do also enjoy some spontaneity. I love to walk around town with my carer and get some fresh air. Theres a lot of wonderful things to do in the day and to get out of the flat can be refreshing, there are only so many days a person can stay indoors before the walls feel like they're closing in. It's been a big step to conquering my Agoraphobia. I can walk around the shops now and not have a panic attack, this is a good change for me.
All I need to do now is improve my asthma symptoms, we did decide that maybe the Bambuterol wasn't doing anything but increasing my heart rate and making me irritable. So I stopped that this week, my symptoms are pretty much as they were so we know that it didn't work... I tried reducing my aminophylline tablets, but that didn't go as well. Right now I want to whittle down what isn't working for me and hopefully reducing my symptoms. What I would love to do is get my 3 pages of repeat prescription down to just 2. Things I would like to bring down to the minimum are my quetiapine (antipsychotic) and my prednisolone. I can't ditch them completely, but lowest doses possible would make my body a happier one.
3 years ago