I always said, even when I was unaware just how much my life was going to change, that I would always want to be as independent as I can and I wouldn't want to live through other people, nor have them live through me. There are times when I wonder if that is what I have achieved or even days when I wonder whether it is even possible anymore. Then I shake myself down, dust myself off and get up again. I get moving and carry on walking. I have a good pair of legs here, I should get up and use them.
I watch a lot of documentaries, in particular one called "Big Body Squad" and it really does make me think. These people are miserable creatures and their lives are so unfair on them. Some of these people are subject to ridicule and taunting and they become so afraid of leaving their homes. Some of these problems are not their fault, but it does make me wonder how someone can allow that to happen to them. But maybe as I have never been in that situation, I can't really comprehend how they feel. There should be more assistance for people who want to improve their lives, rather than ridicule and cruelty.
I think sometimes about the struggle it was to get a personal budget for my care. We had to jump through so many hoops to get everything I needed, now we're all sorted and I have a sustainable home with people regularly coming to help, it makes all the difference. I go out more. I smile and laugh more. I draw, and I like what I draw. I have quality of life again and I feel less like an invalid these days. I go out some days and I end up smiling about small things. I think it becomes all too easy to lock myself away and hide because of fear of what others say or do. But what you have to consider is that people who go out of their way to make you feel miserable only do it because they feel insecure about their own lives.
I know it sounds cliche, but I made my life to what it is now. Sometimes its not easy and I do feel the effects of my asthma, but other times I try and stay as positive as I can, even on those days when I feel exhausted or my lungs give me hell. I mean something to some people. I actually care about myself again. It seems so farfetched considering where I was less than a year ago, but a life I thought was all but over now is blossoming and theres hope. Theres a future for me. And I am so lucky to have people around me who I care about and care about me. It's for those that I will continue to grow, mature and become the person I used to be, except older, wiser and stronger.
2 years ago