Its been all go here since Becky moved in on Wednesday. Its been a week of forms, sorting things out and making sure it all went as smooth as possible. The trip on Wednesday was eventful but hey its the things that make the journey fun that make it all worthwhile. I think... I think my next few weeks are going to be all the more enjoyable, if not a little manic. I'm glad that its all happening and we enjoy the things we do.
My love of the arts is still as bright as it ever was and I have been at the creative side of things again, has to be said, I am enjoying the Naruto illustrations again and they are good fun to draw. Its nice because the piece I am currently working on has about 13 characters. All smiling and the bond between them is just amazing. I relate to so much of this anime and it makes me feel like I am not alone and there are so many people who are there for me and make me realise that I am a worthwhile person.
I need to break a certain habit though. A habit that involves me doing some pretty nasty things to myself. This habit has left me with collections of scars that until recently I hid behind baggy clothes and I never allowed people in close enough to know what was really bothering me. I have always been that guarded I guess because I was afraid that if people knew then the age old problem of people using it to their advantage or personal gain would happen again and again so I tended to hide myself away and not talk to anyone about whats bothering me.
I have also been enjoying the company of the guinea pigs. Kadaj is still... well Kadaj. Hes a chunky boy nowadays and he wheeks at me for fuss and attention. Then there are his cagemates, Gizmo (a big snuggly lump of love and fuss) and a baby, a white abyssian called Zell. Zell is a funny little fellow, hes very talkative and affectionate. He kind of reminds me of someone. I watch him and he reminds me of my little Hope.
Its been nearly a year since I lost my baby Hope. He was a funny little thing and the way he used to chatter and talk to me. I knew he was blind and deaf, but the way he found me by scent and found my scent such a comfort was just amazing. I have never felt that kind of bond until I had met Hope. Hope was affectionate and would often squeak until he was placed next to me. Then he would lie at my side and chatter happily until I woke up and would be greeted by him licking my face or curling up next to me and falling off to sleep at my side. Zell is in some ways the guinea pig Hope should have been, growing larger by the day and not handsized, in to EVERYTHING and anything, chatty, inquisitive and just so funny to watch!
His brother, Tenzou is much more like Alphonse in personality. Although it is funny the way he chases Gaara around, reminding me how Alphonse used to chase and play with Patch on a regular basis. I miss Patch often and I often think about him. He was one of my best friends and he was there for me in some of the most difficult times and even when I slashed my arm with a freezer saw, he forgave me.
What made me angry about my cutting the other day was the fact that I felt guilty. I had promised Patch that after that one time I would stop. I had promised that I would never wound myself like that again. I just felt so guilty afterwards, but at the time I had needed that release. I had needed something to relieve the pressure of everything that had been troubling me. I have cut again recently and it is something I still have trouble with. Even now. Weird isn't it? But my PTSD has had such an effect on me. I won't go in to details here, but I will eventually go in to my recent diagnosis of PTSD and where it has come from.
4 years ago