I had been avoiding this for a while. Partially because I just didn't want to talk to anyone about whats been going on. Partially because I was embarrassed. And Partially because I was trying my hardest to just get back to normality (or what normality would be for a 23 year old). Today I finally managed to get to see Dr Pike. We have maintained a very good relationship over the last 3 years and I mean between us we managed to talk about everything. I even confronted the issue of how I'd honestly been feeling about all of this.
I explained about those days where I get sick and I really feel redundant and upset, like "what did I do this time?" or "for F*** sake!!" and how I am always wondering what I did wrong this time. He explained to me that people with asthma fall in to two families. Those who only get the occasional attacks, they just need an inhaler and they don't have to think about it later. Then theres people like me. As Dr Pike calls it "The scary asthmatics". My asthma can go off over anything and everything, even without any provocation. That has happened a few times where my asthma just decided to go SNAP and I didn't even get a warning at times.
I had no real warning on Monday when it happened. It just kind of went off and I couldn't even get back in control. It was really scary and nasty. How I'd been pretty OK during the day. Maybe I was a bit off and I couldn't concentrate, Sunday was awful because I couldn't keep focused on anything from my beloved Guitar Hero or Rockband to a Final Fantasy game which would normally have kept me entertained for hours and hours on end. I have managed to play Final Fantasy 7 for 12 hours straight before now which was so much fun, and I got so far in to it, I think I did all of Disc 2 that day!!
I then walked up to the bus stop with Tom. I was a bit out of breath, but I was OK. I was coping until I got on the 55 and nearer to my appointment. Things just refused to improve, and it didn't matter how much I tried to throw at it. It didn't matter how often I took my inhaler or my nebuliser. And I just couldn't do it anymore. That was so freaky and I couldn't even entertain the idea of talking about my mental state, although we did decide that I needed to be back on my antipsychotic and up my antidepressant to 200mg. Its a crushing blow for me at times it has to be said, but I think if its for the best then its for the best and I need to just take it in it's stride.
To be told that even though I am only young and I go through such a life limiting problem from day to day, the fact I can stay strong and take it all as it comes, its truly magnificent to see me out and about and trying my best to enjoy my life even on the bad days. And we all have those bad days. Yesterday I was so exhausted that I fell asleep at 10PM! Thats the earliest I've been in bed in a long time. But I slept straight through to my alarm at 8AM and it really improved my mood.
3 years ago