Its been nearly a year since I started my blog and I started sharing my innermost thoughts and feelings. I have found it cathartic and its been a good way of not allowing all the bullshit and immaturity get to me. There are a lot of immature and pointless individuals in this world and they really have nothing to do other than bring other people down. I don't even pity these individuals. They are really not worth a second of my time, nor do they deserve even the tiniest mention of their names in a blog about how I have been.
It makes me angry when I have to sit and read or hear about people who fake being ill and sit there and have no evidence to support them. It makes me glad that they never get the benefits that they don't need or the support of excellent medical teams behind them. I have spent the last year or so building my relationships with my doctors and they have backed me all the way with my claims for ESA, DLA and my registration with the local council. Even when I had doubted myself or refused to accept that I have health problems, they have been the first to show me test results or other things that have really proven otherwise (my asthma consultant wants to give me a photo album with my CT results so that I can look at them whenever I doubt myself) and my GP has often comforted me when I have cried my eyes out because there are days when it all feels too much.
Right now the focus has been on getting my asthma in to some kind of control (which has been getting there) and making sure that pain levels for both my asthma and my back problems (which the idea of an operation on it just isn't possible at the moment, nor is it what I really want because of my asthma) are under some kind of control. The medication I take for my pain and my back are working well and the nerve pain seems to be subsiding a great deal. For one, I can walk a hell of a lot better and don't need my crutch as often as I had needed it before. I still have my bad days, but that is to be expected.
As far as my asthma goes, its been a close weekend and I know that. I just don't like admitting to myself when things are bad, partially its because of fear, not of the hospital, but of the people around me. Tom has been wonderful in reassuring me that it is not the case. A trip to hospital isn't going to result in a temper tantrum worthy of a 3 year old. And this has helped me make better choices when it comes to my asthma. Yes, I do end up feeling exhausted some days, but that's the result of working so hard. My lung function was down in June, from 67% to 55%. The capacity is there, but there is just no accessing it at times, because my airways close that much.
Knowing what I know now, its easier to accept things and I understand now that test results don't lie. Especially when they are consistent and the tests have been as through and exhaustive as ones I have had. The constant testing and trying of different medications had taken its toll on my body, physically, emotionally and mentally. Its been a year of change and things have been improving, I can't deny that at all. I have some quality of life back, and I have a clearer idea of what I am up against. As much as a pain in the ass all this has been, its helped.
Problems that caused me trouble years ago have been properly and more accurately diagnosed and things that we didn't even know about have been found and the reasoning behind them identified. The result of this is of course that instead of putting a sticky-plaster over it, we can actually go further and correct what we can, control what needs to be controlled and I can go on living. I said that this year was going to be one of testing, but I never comprehended just how far that would go. I am glad in some ways because had I known what I was going to be put through, I probably would have run away because I had been frightened and I would never have experienced what has been one of my better summers in nearly 5 years.
Thats scary. My asthma has been problematic since I was 18. 5 years of having to put up with having to deal with symptoms and 3 years of being in and out of hospital, no wonder I was close to breaking point.
2 years ago