In a Reverie...

Today is just one of those days I think. My chest is really sore and feels all raw and painful. Breathing is still hard and I just feel frustrated and fed up in myself. I am happy with life right now and I have pretty much everything I could ever want, except a stable state of health which seems to be like an impossible dream sometimes. I mean I did feel like I had made some headway but as the cooler weather is coming in, I am starting to feel it again. I wonder sometimes whether this feeling of insecurity and constant feeling of chest tightness is just one of those things. I really can't go back to the life I had.

Mayve I feel so down at the minute because its coming to the end of what has been a good weekend with Tom and I always hate it when he has to go home. I understand why he needs to and I understand that its good for both of us to spend some time apart, lest I make the same mistake I always make and try and move too fast, telling myself that it's probably the best thing right now. Where in reality, the best thing for me is to live alone and work ME out and figure out what makes me that person. It has its moments I will admit where I lie in bed looking for someone or something to cuddle up to, but it is important right now, especially that I become more independent, lest I fall in to the usual traps, which would subsequently then be my own fault because I knew what they were and I knew I needed to avoid them.

What I am faced with seems to be an unending tirade of infection, and asthma wreaking havoc with my body, and not a lot of choice but to just accept it. I guess there are times it seems a little bit unfair, but then I remember that I am not alone in all of this, even if some days I feel it. Some days I do want to kick and scream and get mad, but there are more days when I just decide that getting upset and playing the blame game never got me anywhere. I have had to look so objectively past whats happened recently and look at just the objective facts and remind myself of them so that I can't pretend anymore that this didn't happen.

Since having my diagnosis completely cleared up and knowing exactly what causes my asthma, I have been a bit easier on myself and I have stopped making myself feel bad about it and letting other foolish people who HONESTLY have NO idea what they are talking about get to me. A senior clinical lecturer and other specialists aren't going to diagnose something unless its there and you know what else, I only strive for decent diagnosis so that I can make sure I am managing the condition more effectively. No other reason. I do find it all the more galling to have to deal with people like that particularly after a night in resus.

Now, for those of you who are lucky enough to have not experienced this (and I apologise now if this comes out patronising, but right now I am in such a ranty mood and I need to just burn this off before I go and kick the shit out of everyone who made me doubt myself), resus is the short version of Resuscitation. Generally when someone goes in Resus, they are in a very VERY bad way and they need to be seen, treated and helped pretty much right away. I was in a bad state that night and I was very ill, so having to deal with idiots after that made me so angry and stressed that I nearly went back in to hospital.

I wonder sometimes why I listen to some people. I wonder why I haven't told others where they can shove it and why I still give a toss about them. It's not that simple though is it? I won't be too forgiving in the future. Its my weakness and its the reason that people have been allowed to hurt and upset me again and again and I think it needs addressing now. I feel better for a rant, I will admit.

Loves
Wendy xx