Its been a few days since I last felt up to blogging, but I thought now would be a good time to update on my progress and my floating around through time, space and all the rest of it. I guess just lately when the old pattern restarted itself, it took my by surprise and I wasn't expecting to be thrown back in the maelstrom of T1BA but I guess that's how life goes sometimes. I have started to accept that any time away from hospital is time away and I should be thankful and try and enjoy myself, but there are days when I just feel so depressed or miserable that I just hide and bury my head in the sand and cry it out.
Sometimes a good cry is cathartic and it helps to clear ones head a little before succumbing to fear and paranoia which can hold you back and completely control your life. I have been all about making positive changes in my life and making things that before were frankly a bit shitty less so and making the most of what time I get between illness and recovery times. It takes me anywhere between a week and a month to recover from my asthma when its bad so thats a long time to be sitting around and you wind up thinking over every little detail. Everything that you could have, or could not have done to make things better and then getting angry with oneself because you start playing that annoying blame game.
Yesterday wasn't easy. But I know now that it had to happen and there was a pretty good reason for it. I had been off colour all day really, and the day before if we really wanted to look at things. I had been coughing. A lot and I was exhausted by it. When you cough like that its like running a race because you work so hard to just get whatever it is that is in your airway out and gone. Having bilateral wheezing yesterday and only managing to get it down a bit with a whopping 5 salbutamol nebs, o2 and some atrovent, I think the steroid I had injected really was needed to bolster my lungs up a bit and help them get back their strength.
Over the next week or so, I really want to concentrate on recovery and getting back on some kind of stable level and stay there for a while. Thats my dream and this is my reality as unpleasant as it may seem. This is my life and this is how I have to live it. I am happy with who I am and I am proud of what I have managed to accomplish over the last year. I mean now I don't live in the YMCA anymore, which was frankly a dive. I don't feel so drained or controlled and I am happy.
3 years ago