No one ever said that those first few days post admission were easy. You have a lot to catch up on, from decent sleep (as it is very hard to sleep well in hospital) to less important things like stuff you would have liked to have watched on TV. Your mind has to resettle back in to the routine of everyday life for you. Everyone has their own ways and methods in life and when that gets disrupted, it can leave you feeling a bit disorientated and lost until you can settle back in to routine. It has been good to get back in to doing my own medication (when someone else is doing it you don't quite feel right) and making sure I get to bed at the time I would usually do so. When I go away, the other thing I miss the most is my animals.
My animals mean a lot to me and I love them dearly. From the 4 guinea pigs (Tenzou, Kibou, Phoenix and Miles) to the 7 rabbits (Riza, Lola, Alice, Jade, Maya, Ginger and Cookie), which I will be having to thin out soon and have some of the young ones adopted. I'm trying to decide which bunnies I want to keep. So far, I have decided that Maya, Lola and Alice are the ones I have bonded with. Lola was always going to be a keeper because she was so different to her sisters and Alice bonded with me right away from when she was a tiny little baby. Maya bonded with me, and Phoenix over the last few weeks. Obviously I am going to keep my Riza-bunny because she is learning to be friendlier and she is a little beauty. A far cry from the rabbit that used to try and high-five you in the face with her claws when I first got her.
Things at home are pretty simple right now and it makes me feel happy and secure because I know that what I have here isn't just material. It's that intangible feeling of warmth and comfort. The living room that I spend time with people laughing and joking around. The bedroom where peaceful nights are spent resting. Those happy moments which sometimes feel far away are the things I look for when I feel dismal and sad. Knowing that I have special people in my life who I love and love me back is the best feeling in the world. It's partly for them that I keep myself going and partly for myself because so many people told me I wouldn't.
I don't deny for a second that I have days where I just want to curl up in a corner and die or take every single tablet in the flat to get quiet peace and relief. I then kick my own ass for those thoughts. And I really do get hard on myself about things like that because I know I am better than that and that giving up and letting myself die, as happy as that would make some people I'm sure, would be the cowardly way out. And one thing I am not is a coward. I wasn't raised to be a coward and I never wanted to be that way. Sometimes, during those times the best therapy can be to just sit back and have a good cry, let the emotions out and let them go. Bottled up sadness can be worse for you than any health problems after all. So, instead of wallowing in self pity and making myself (and everyone else) miserable, I'm trying to turn things around, learn some new skills and make my mark on the world through my art and creativity. I am good at what I do and I want to learn to be good at other things such as "Flash" or even making my own comics and animations. So it isn't all about "doom and gloom" and "woe is me".
I guess that's the thing about the "Victim" mentality that so many people seem to think they should sink in to. It's easy to do and its hard to stop, because you get so driven down with thinking about how bad things are that you forget the good, simple things. I hate that so many people walk around thinking about how bad their lives are, or bitching about others to try and make themselves feel better. I find people who do things like that rather pathetic and wonder if they were able to actually focus on their own lives rather than trying to make others miserable like them, they would probably actually improve their lot in life. But I know with people like that, it's all too much effort and too hard to get out of the "comfortable" rut. I got myself out of my rut, with those around me helping to keep me supported and I will carry on making my own life better, step by step, inch by inch.
If I can do it, what is stopping anyone else?
2 years ago