OK, so I have been cleaning almost non-stop since Natt moved out. Doing as much as possible every day and now I have my nice clean living room to show for it. It doesn't even look like the same room any more. It looks and feels like the living room it used to be again. I realised just how much I had missed that, but at least I had managed to do the one thing I had set out to do. I had looked after a friend when he needed me. OK it was a bit awkward for both of us some days but it really did show how good a friendship we have (well, even afterwards we can stand each other so that's always a plus!) but this is a friendship that is 10 years old.
I've been living in my flat for some years now and I really actually like it. OK so it's not a palace or a show home but it is a home. The walls have seen days of happiness, sadness, and anger and it has become of the few constants in my life. Its weird that I think of when I first moved back to Redditch and my first ever place, to the hell that was the YMCA and then finally settling in here. I was unsettled in the YMCA for a lot of reasons. I hated it. I still hate it. I don't even think that the Knowle Close side of it should even be standing as its poorly built and even more poorly maintained, and for the rent they charge as well (last I heard the rent was £120 a week which is nearly twice what my weekly rent is in a place that has 2 separate rooms, bathroom and kitchen) its appalling. Then you bear in mind that the YMCA is a "charity"? That makes it worse!
My place is quite a peaceful little place. My living room is where I spend the day with my animals, unless of course like earlier, I was so exhausted I ended up flat out for ages and woke up to go and do stuff. I try and keep a contrast between the rooms as it is better for me mentally to see one room as my entertainment space and one room as my sleeping space. I have stopped having meals of any kind in the bedroom (eating in bed is probably the worst thing you can do for yourself) and I'm not afraid or ashamed to use my chair on my bad days to convey myself around my home. Sometimes I think I tend to keep trying to do things when I really shouldn't and don't always remember that I can't judge myself by my old standards. I have to live to new ones instead.
This doesn't make me lazy or mean that my home has to suffer. My home is important, I have had to nest here in my own way and make it what I want it to be. I replaced the old blind that was broken (partly when I slammed the door in anger during an argument) with a curtain. It allows me privacy but at the same time, can be opened to let light in. Privacy is one of the most important things to me. I don't like being out in the open when I don't want people to see parts of me that I don't like. I don't like having to face what I have to face but I do believe that it has made me, at least emotionally, stronger.
The biggest challenges are the ones which are the most worthwhile, I didn't believe that before, but I do now. I could have fallen apart, heck I probably let myself fall apart at first and I needed to cry it out and work through it my own way. Once I had figured out my own mind and got my head around it, I was then able to process everything else. It was down to just working out what this all means, I mean you don't get a course of "Asthma 101" or "How to live with Pulmonary Fibrosis" before it comes a huge factor in your life. You have to live with what you have and accept that your life with this condition is what it is. Call a spade a spade.
Well today, I had a little "adventure". Basically I use a machine called a "Conserver" with my oxygen and that runs on a C cell battery. They need changing every couple of weeks and when it goes dead, my oxygen just runs freely and as a result, that can waste 2/3 of a cylinder because I only need oxygen released when I take a breath (which is why when I breathe you can hear a clicking sound) and the conserver can make a tank last up to 15 hours. I thought I had a spare around here, I think its somewhere but I have no idea where that went as everything has been a bit topsy-turvy over the last few days. So I went out to the corner shop, got a cheap battery to last me the trip to get better batteries and then up to Sainsburys. I then sat and thought, "I'm up here, may as well get my prescription." so I went and did that as well. Topped up my gas, electric and TV licence so that I have everything I could want and need over the weekend to go in to the next week. So, I'm pretty much set until Tuesday at least.
Since switching from two separate suppliers for gas and electric to one supplier and smart meters, I have found my gas and electric costs are so much cheaper. The thing with smart meters is that I can top it up any time and even do it via text or over the internet and it all updates automatically so I don't even have to touch my meter boxes. I have a little console that tells me what I'm using and when and how long I have left. It's so much less stressful and means that I can make sure my home is heated and electric is on at all times. The supplier, Utilita, are cheaper too it seems.
So, all in all, everything seems pretty much as it needs to be. For now at least!
2 years ago