It's a new year and with it the chance to turn over a new leaf and make a fresh start. Sometimes you just have to drop the weight of carrying the past around with you and think about the bigger picture. I think that turning over a new leaf at New Year is a great chance to let go and move on with life. I mean, you can't always carry a past mistake or the ghosts of the past around with you. Other wise you could go insane, or become a bitter, twisted mess with no life and nothing more to discuss than the past. So I intend to start as I mean to go on.
I spent Christmas this year with Jace and his family in Blackpool. It was so different to spend the festive period by the sea, the sea air worked as a magic tonic on my lungs and for nearly a week afterwards, I had never breathed better. Sadly this kind of thing never really lasts but that comes with the territory when you have spent a good chunk of your life with chronic brittle asthma causing you all kinds of problems, you become accustomed to having to clear more gunk than you think your body could produce. But still, I had a wonderful time with the person I love and I am looking forward to life returning to normality tomorrow.
It was interesting to spend some time by myself. It gave me a good opportunity to really look at myself as a person, the things I liked, the things I wasn't so keen on and the things that I had been so blind about that I had never realised. One of the most amazing things I never saw before, yet they were always there, staring back at me. Those striking eyes that I had long forgotten about, the green with amber burst, changing with moods and often saying more about me than words ever could. I then started taking in the rest of my features, delicate and proportioned. I'd finally seen my reflection clearly and I saw myself. I saw me and I started really liking what I saw for once, rather than seeing someone who wasn't there anymore. I don't see that terrified and bloated mess that I became and I love myself for the person I am, rather than resenting myself for what I'm not.
Things are getting back to normal now after the Christmas period and we're ready to make 2013 a fantastic year. It's going to be a year of laughter, friendships and fun. A year of independence and growth and a year of me being back to the person I once was. The weird thing was that recently someone from my past reconnected with me and it got me to thinking about my life and everything I had done since our relationship. One thing I worked out is how different I am now, how much I have matured and endured to get to where I am today. I'm proud of who I am now and I do believe that years of chronic illness has taught me a lot about myself and my true strength.
I was sad that the January curse struck again. For the last 3 years, I have lost a pet in January and it started with when Alphonse was sick and I lost him, then last year, I lost my Patch. This year was a tragic accident, a spooked guinea pig took a leap he probably ought not to have. Zell always was a fidget and it was eventually his fatal flaw. The one thing we are thankful for however is that his passing was peaceful and he had those he loved around him as sad as it was.
Rather than focusing on the sadness of the new year, I personally want to keep my head held high and be prepared to carry on moving forward and improve my life as best as I can. My DLA renewal went through with no problems as did my ESA renewal. I've been really happy with the way things have been going so far and I feel like things are just going to keep getting better and I want to spend more time focusing on that rather than thinking too much about the sadness of the past. I decided that I just wanted it to be put behind me and I just want to keep going forward. Who knows? By the end of the year, things could be completely different and everything will be just as it should be. As for people who I don't want in my life, well, I don't have to acknowledge them if I don't want to.
3 years ago