I've been thinking recently about the journey, the lessons and the strength of character that my condition has tested everyday. Some days are really better than others, and there are times when I can be full of life and energy when there are others when, like today, I am dozing off in the middle of a coffee shop, nearly landing face first in my Mushroom Napolenta panini and my Caramel Latte. I do love going and getting a coffee with Becky and we have that moment where we can have a laugh about the past week or two or just chill out for a while. Sometimes it can be a welcome break because for that hour or two, I am not some ill person, I am just like every other woman in the place, just there for pleasure. Besides, the coffee at Caffe Nero is just so exquisitely smooth and silky, and the added luxury of caramel sauce, vanilla syrup and even (against my better judgement, I will admit) a little whipped cream. Its like a naughty treat!
I do need that respite every so often because who would actually want to sit there and wallow in despair because of one thing. It may work for some people, but to be honest, spending my time thinking "Woe is me... oh poor tortured soul..." all the time does tend to get right on my nerves and I just want to break out and escape, do something new, something different. I always said that I never ever wanted my illness to be the only thing that defines me. I admit there have been times when I did let this slip, only to become annoyed with myself later because it was like I wasn't being me anymore, I was being this person who only seemed interested in self pity and that's not who I am. It wasn't how I was brought up. And I refuse to make that who I am.
Who I am is strong, she is wise. She is generous and kind. She never makes a judgement on anyone and would give her everything to help the people she cares about. However I do have a dark side, who doesn't? My dark side can be cold, cruel and distant towards people, once someone has gotten on my bad side, that is it and there is no way I am going to be won over again. Once a relationship ends, I don't go sniffing around for more. I always believe that exes are exes for a reason. I believe that everyone deserves a chance to lose it all and start afresh when it's possible.
I'm doing really well again (well mostly, there have been some hic-ups but thats really normal) and its thanks to the people who really mean a lot to me. Its because of these people that I feel strong enough to stand up and be counted and not be afraid of the girl in the mirror. I proved to myself that I am a good person, heck I proved it to myself a million and one times over, whether it was being a shoulder to cry on, someone to research and talk to the right people to sort out a problem or just someone to lend a hand. And as soon as Allen sets a foot back on British soil once more I will know then and there that I had done everything I could to help two friends who are in love with each other to spend as much time as they can together. It's important to them and because they mean a lot, it is important to me too. Everyone deserves that chance to be with the one they truly love and they're loved by that person implicitly.
I always used to look at life in all of the ways that I could have let everyone down, I guess it's true, "The closer you get to something, The tougher it is to see it, And I'll never take it for granted." I never saw myself like that ever before, I never looked at how hard I worked for my friends and how much I cared about the people who made life worth living so I guess now is probably the best time to say it. I may act distant and as though I don't even realise people are there, but I love the people who I have in my life and I am so grateful to have found people who make me feel special, beautiful and worthwhile every day, not just "that sick girl".
3 years ago