Journals.

I was having a look through some boxes the other day. It's amazing how much stuff you end up with when you aren't paying attention. For me it seems to be a thing for notebooks. I have a lot of them. And this weird habit of offloading a few thoughts and feelings before moving on and writing something else in another book. It's something I've always done. I used to buy notebooks at school, fill them with randomness and then get another one. It's kind of like journalling but it's as sporadic and patchy as my mind tends to be.

Some of my notes make sense. Budgets and shopping lists, "to do (often dated)" lists and things I need to get for the house. Its by looking at these that give you a vague insight in to how Jace and I run our place and how I keep an eye on things to make sure bills are paid. Then there's doodles, characters points (for my Midgar stories and some other projects) and general just writing down whatever pops in my head (these are usually random rants about things or things I've had to bite my tongue before saying). Maybe it's just my way of making sense of the chaos. Other times it's to alleviate boredom or stress. Other times I write what I think just so that at some stage, I'll be in a calmer mindset to cope with the way I feel about things. Distance and all that.

One thing I did find was from 2012. When my body was starting to get too weak to cope with moving around and I was facing the prospect of being in a wheelchair. This didn't happen totally for 2 years after this but my mobility was getting worse. It's hard to read because the "me" who was writing it seemed so sad. She didn't want to be in a chair because she was scared that it would take her independence away. How I wish I could go back and comfort her and tell her that actually the chair wouldn't limit her, it would liberate her. And it really has. In fact, my nebulisers and oxygen have both freed me from nearly weekly admissions. My life has been so much better with them and as hard as they have been to get used to, it's been a positive thing. 

I do sometimes wonder what my life could have been like but then it hits me, it doesn't matter so much now because this is what my life turned out to be. I don't feel so sad about it anymore, there's times where it feels unfair but it's then when you sit and remind yourself that you are still alive and you are still doing things, even when you can't see that for yourself. I think it is very much a case of what you make it and really the best thing to do is to just move forward, even if its only baby steps to start off with. When I read my old journals it makes me remember that yes things were difficult then but things are never easy when they're worthwhile, but the main thing is that I somehow managed to survive and live to fight another day. Maybe that's what it is. The knowing that you can overcome things and move forward, even if it isn't easy. But show me something in life that was easy that was worth it. No struggle, no way forward. 

Simple. 

Loves
Wendy xx