Since my last admission, I have been slowly getting back to what is normal for me. The weirdest part for me is getting back in to my own sleep cycle which is very different to the regimented routine in hospital. At home, most days start around 11 when I wake up (although recently, I have been waking up around 8, hacking up rubbish off my chest and then curling back up and going to sleep). I then take my usual morning meds before going in to the living room, where usually Natt is up and about and we do whatever needs to be done. Some days that involves going out to town or other days it was staying in and doing whatever it is I do around the house.
I'm not once suggesting that I have an active or exciting life. Some days are generally spent vegged out in front of the TV (watching as Natt puts it, "visual chewing gum" the idea being that like when you get a piece of gum, you chew and chew in the same way that with daytime TV you stare and stare) or just generally pottering around my little place. I can't believe its been over 3 years since escaping from the drudgery of the YMCA and getting this place. I love this flat and knowing that I fought for it when it counted makes it feel all the more my own. We need a lick of paint and some new flooring here and there, but to be honest, I'm not in any big rush. You could take me to a palace and offer me a suite, but I would turn around and go back to my place any time.
I have had 6 admissions in the last year and we're finally starting to get something sorted again. I am under 2 consultants at the hospital and they're getting as many of the pieces together. The problem is that all we can do is manage what we have in the mean time. The last few times have brought about some changes to my medication, some meds added, others simply changed. I had some reservations about having certain medicines added to my roster, but now I am on them, I no longer worry about them. I think that watching someone become addicted to opiate pain killers frightened me a little because I was worried of going the same way, I have nothing to worry about and I am lucky to be getting the help I need. And with Jace, my family and friends around me, I have all the love and support I could ever need which has been the one thing that keeps me strong even though the things around me say "no". I refused to give up. I still do.
I don't know what the future has in store for me. Maybe I'll get better and never have to worry about being ill again, maybe I won't ever really get better. But the important thing is to keep up on hope and keep my head up, ride in my chair with style and pride and keep showing the world that nothing can keep me down or bogged under. I've been through too much now to let it all go to waste and go to pieces because of one thing or another. I guess the only way we can find out what is in store for us is to find out!
2 years ago