One thing I have rediscovered is my love of Autumn, the leaves changing and the way that they swirl and become vibrant colours is something that inspires poetry or for me to get my paintbox out. I have been enjoying the rumble up the hill to town on my scooter, there is something about finally getting my independence back that I have really embraced. I still have to carry a lot of medications with me as well as carrying all the usual essentials, but what amazes me the most is how something I had been so dubious about has made such a drastic change in my life. In short, I love it. I love the confidence it gives me to do the things that I like to do without having to worry too much about the pain or my breathing becoming an issue.
I know that having the scooter has meant a load of Becky's mind as well, I think she must have been going mad with worry whenever we went out and I was becoming so unwell as a result and I think she must have noticed the reduction in my sanity that comes with having to stay indoors and close to everything needed to just stay alive for yet another day. I don't think anyone really knew how much of a struggle things can be sometimes and how it can make me feel. Which sometimes led me to extremes such as self-harm, which takes a lot to admit. I have struggled with self-harm ever since I was about 14 and I used to remove the blades from pencil sharpeners or disposable razors. I am lucky in some ways because there have only been a few instances where that has caused serious scars, like my hand and left forearm. I do struggle with it sometimes and I am not afraid to admit it, but there have been more recent occasions which have resulted in my cutting, but I am not doing it anywhere near as often as I used to.
I'm not afraid or unaware of my mental health issues, in fact, I live with them day to day. I see the effect of my emotions and I do feel bad that this is how my mind is sometimes, but at the same time, I am thankful that I finally got the courage and ASKED for help, rather than leaving it to get to the point where suicide would have been the only way. And I am thankful for the people who have always been there, be it at the end of the phone or even here in my home with me. I am lucky to have a support network and I feel confident in myself and my own personal strength. Sometimes, not being afraid to ask for help can mean that you are finally ready to let it go. Becky said that to me, and I believe her.
Tomorrow, I am going to do something different. I am going to church with Becky. I am not Christian, but I do believe there is something there. I think I need to have a word with the "Big Guy Upstairs" because there have been a few things that have happened as of late and I need a bit of help to understand how I got to this point. I am not converting to anything, but just trying to find out exactly where it is I belong in all of this.
One thing I do know for sure is that in having to learn and accept my life with my disabilities, it taught me a lot about not judging others on appearances, empathy and having the confidence to say "Yes, I have an invisible disability, but I refuse to let that stop me." One such occasion happened today. I was in a shop and a group of people were in my way, after a few "excuse me" and a beep of my horn and I got through, but this kid was standing there, gawping at me, like I was some kind of circus freak. Becky challenged him and asked him if he had a problem. he didn't understand what the problem was, but his mother did and soon everyone made sure that that young man knew what he was doing was unacceptable. A lot of them even nodded when I said "yes, I have an invisible disability, so what?" May have sounded a bit harsh, but its true. I am not a freak and I am not something there for the amusement of others.
Most other people in town were alright actually. Some people who had seen me limping through before actually said they were glad to see me getting around better and not having to limp anymore. Others smiled and helped me out with things. Admittedly there was a young boy who nearly ran in to my scooter, his mother apologising profusely! But it was fine, it was a crowded place and even the most able people were struggling through.
2 years ago