This is the beginning of a new journey, and I'm full of questions.
Where will it take me?
How will I get there?
How will I know when I'm there?
How long will it take?
Its a lot really to be wondering about but I'm sure as time goes on, I'll know the answers.
You see I hit a bit of a wall in my life earlier this year and it really shocked me. Going from a slender, independant and mature young woman to bloated and scared to leave the boundaries of my front door for fear of people's judgements and comments. I'd all but given up on having what one would call a 'normal' life, spending most of my time in hospital, after the struggle to get me out of my safe place, either on the wards, staying for up to 2 weeks at a time, go home for a couple of days then the cycle began again, or the 4 hour long waiting to get better, or at least well enough to sleep in my own bed. Slipping deeper in to my depression and harming myself intentionally just because I felt bad about feeling bad. Sounds miserable doesn't it?
But then again, I don't think I had it any worse than anyone else. I don't now or never have or ever will. There are two young women who I admire and respect for their struggles with Interstitual Lung Disease and how well they have coped, staying strong. I am proud to have spoken to them on occasion and they really are extraordinary.
My main problems were learning to cope with it all. Cope with physical illness and constant pain, infection after infection (some of which were nasty pneumonias) which caused some minor scarring in my lungs as well as the emotional side, the urges to do some downright horrid things to myself just for what I thought would be atonement, nights of not sleeping and blaming myself for everything that was wrong. I have learned and I started giving myself various outlets.
What changed? Well I did. I made the decisions to strive for accurate diagnosis to what was making it so hard to breathe at times, get the treatment to help and make me feel better and gradually I started to feel better and I became me again. I realised my dreams and am looking forward to my new path in nursing. I gave myself outlets through art and music to relieve the pressure, playing in a band is one of the most fun things I've ever done and Omen Shadow are wonderful people to work with.
Well I took my first steps, now for the rest of the Journey.
3 years ago