Reminders...

After my awful mood with everyone and everything last night, I think I was at that point where I needed to be reminded of something sweet and pure. That reminder came in the form of our 3 guinea pigs. Patch, who is my baby, crawled under the quilt with me and just snuggled down, which was really lovely. A typical thing for Patch to do really and it was so affectionate.

I was then met by the pups. They really are bonkers little creatures. In to everything and anything and always up for cuddles and play. Hope is getting bigger and is actually seeming to get fluffier which is the cutest thing ever. He is a vocal little creature as well and makes a lot of high pitched wheeking noises when he runs over to me. And Gizmo, well he has discovered a taste for something he probably should avoid. Gizmo is the first guinea pig I have ever met that will snaffle a cup of tea. He was climbing the cup and lapping it up as if it was nectar from heaven. I know it is probably not good for him but he loved it and it really was quite funny. Our little baby bull.

I fell asleep after my weekly fix of Glee and Tool Acadamy, as well as some Family Guy. My pain relief at the moment is pretty good and I have been kept a lot more comfortable than I have in a long time. My peak flow last night was better than it has been in nearly 2 years. After madly pumping in the same dose of a neb through an MDI (running low on Atrovent nebs so I thought instead of worrying I would try and just keep up with MDI's). To get the 500mcg dose from an inhaler which gives 20mcg per dose, I had to pump in a whopping 5 puffs per 100mcg. So that worked out at a 25 puff dose through a spacer. It seems a lot, but in actuality it was literally just the same as a nebuliser dose. With a 5mg Ventolin neb on top of that, I managed a peak flow of 430 l/min, which is actually what someone of my age and height should be getting so I had to have done something right!

It also meant that for the first time in a while, I was able to get a good nights sleep, free from pain and breathlessness, I didn't cough or snore in the night and I woke up feeling revitalised and energetic. This is something that almost never happens and I can be up several times in a night just to have an inhaler or take some painkillers because it can be just that painful at times. People don't realise just how painful asthma can actually be. When I have had a bad few days with it, my airways can feel very raw and sore, my chest muscles will be strained and over worked from the effort of taking a breath and I feel like I have been made to run several miles. It really is hard work sometimes and its not something that many people realise.

The common school of thought is that people with asthma only need a blue or brown inhaler, their lives aren't limited and they usually grow out of it. Yes this can be the case and I am thankful that there are people out there whose experiences are at least OK, but I do understand now the extent that brittle asthma can limit your life on a day to day basis.

Just 2 years ago, I was able to walk the 2 miles up hill to town with no problems and I used to love cycling. I spent time partying and having a lot of fun and my asthma never stopped me. I was only taking 2 inhalers and a nightly tablet. Yes I had been through some exacerbations requiring hospital treatment, but I always bounced right back. I am thankful for that time that I did have and I accept that I may never be able to go back to that lifestyle, but I will do my best with what I have. Even if there are days when I am just not well enough to leave the flat or all I have done all day is sleep. I think I would rather concentrate on getting well right now than anything else. My airways are scarred and damaged, some of them are widened, but I know there are people out there with a hell of a lot worse and I admire them for their strength, generosity and attitudes to keep going. People like that are rare gems and are such an honour to talk to and be acquainted with.

I honestly think if we can all take stock of what we have and remind ourselves of what we are truely blessed with, I think we would be happier as a society.

Loves
Wendy xx

A Month Later...

Its been a month now since our beautiful Alphonse passed away so suddenly. He really was such a sweet little creature and we do miss him, horribly. I think it was so sudden that we lost him and the fact he was little more than the guinea pig equivalent of a teenager just made the whole thing seem just that little bit sadder. I still sometimes look over at the cage and expect to have this black and white face looking back at me, then start wheeking happily for more food. Unfortunately we don't see him, but we do see our precious pups.

So I guess on the other side of it, it has been a month since we got Hope and Gizmo. Hope is about 7 weeks old now and is as boisterous as ever. He sat with me the other day and just cuddled up, then started making these sweet high pitched noises as he ran over and just sat on me. Everytime I move, he follows me like a lost puppy. It is safe to say, I have been adopted by this little one as Mum. I don't mind as he is such a little tinker! He keeps me on my toes.

Gizmo, who is 10 weeks old, is settling down a lot better now as well. When we first got them both, Gizmo was very skittish and would kick and squeal if you went to pick him up. Steve has done a great job with him and has trained him to be more social, I think they are very taken to each other and obviously, Gizmo is getting more used to me as well which obviously is a good thing.

As for me, well I am starting to settle down in myself a bit now. Admittedly, my chest has had other ideas and I spent last night in the hospital which wasn't fun, but at least I am now on something to try and clear my chest a bit. If this doesn't work then I will go back to Dr Pike and see what he says. What really took my doctor by surprise (the very lovely Flight Lieutenant, an RAF doctor, VERY yummy!!) was the fact that I was left to become clinically exhausted all because I had 2 of the most incompetent paramedics, who are probably good with the more obvious, but a silent chested asthmatic wasn't one of those things they knew. Luckily this seems to be a dying breed in paramedics, but you do admittedly get the odd one or 2 who are frankly clueless.

I was given more nebs, steroids, painkillers and antibiotics and, funnily enough, I began to make a recovery quick enough to be allowed home, some 4 hours later.

Loves
Wendy xx

Lack of Interest...

Before anything happens with my asthma, I go through this period of complete apathy. I mean even Sephiroth himself could walk past me naked as the day he was born and I wouldn't be that interested. I stared at the screen for 5 minutes before typing anything, this was AFTER I had fallen asleep on the loo again. I just can't seem to stay in the game when I am like this.

Today has been a fairly quiet day spent cleaning and generally putting everything in the flat just right, again. I even managed to clean down the balcony which now smells less like rotting guinea pig cage and more like bleach, wiped down the kitchen and bathroom floors and did a through vacuum of the carpets. I also managed to wipe down all the surfaces and get rid of all the dust. In the middle doing all of this, I did try and have a nap, but for some reason, I was so unsettled and had to do something.

I guess I just wanted to let you all know, I am still here, I am fighting this bastard, but there may be a point where I may have to get some help on this, I will let you all know. For now, I think I may just settle down, have a good long sleep and keep on with my meds schedule as planned.

Loves
Wendy xx

Hanging on Again...

I woke up this morning feeling a bit lethargic and generally off colour. I guess I knew this was coming and I shouldn't have felt anything other than expectant. I mean for me it isn't usually a case of IF things plan to go off, more like WHEN. I woke up at about 10 when my alarm went off. Checking my Peak Flow, it was below the dreaded 200 l/min mark. It was 190 l/min, I was breathless and I didn't understand why I was struggling again. Instead of dwelling on that, I decided that the first thing to do would be a Salbutamol 5mg and Ipratropium 500mcg nebuliser.

My protocol states that if my starting Peak Flow is rubbish and I feel rubbish then I would up my steroids and neb every 4 hours. I added in inbetween doses of 2.5mg Salbutamol and extra Symbicort, just to keep things on an even keel. This can help keep me out of hospital, BUT sometimes, it is just stalling the inevitable. I need to take this careful or I could just end up in the thick of something interesting.

To keep my mind off things, I took on the housework, bleaching the kitchen down, vacuuming the carpets and wiping down the floors. As hard as that can be on my body, it needed to be done, and I needed to keep my mind off worrying about the fact I am very breathless and my chest feels like I am being beaten around with a sledgehammer. It's not the most comfortable of things and I am trying to keep on top of things rather than avoid them. Face the problems head on, then let things progress and go one way or the other on their own. If you wait for the reaper, you forget to live. That was one thing I never ever wanted to be or ever do. It's better to just live and do what I have to inbetween, that or sink in to self pity, another thing that really REALLY gets my back up.

But I think one thing I may do is keep a record of what I have been taking, when and why, so that when the time comes, we know exactly what the score is, which could save valuable minutes when it comes to it. Call me overly officious but I think if I can help myself in anyway, I will. No matter what it takes or what the price of it is. It is a lesson I have had to learn the hard way.

Loves
Wendy xx

Fever and Humping Guinea Pigs...

Yes you did read that right. We have a Guinea Pig who is an inveterate humper. Hope spent most of last night trying his hardest to hump Gizmo and Patch. Patch was looking neither impressed nor appalled by this frisky little white thing that kept mounting him and humping his face. It would have been one of the funniest things I'd seen, had it not been for the anguished squawking from Gizmo from having his face humped. I think Gizmo must have the patience of a saint! You would need it with Hope when he does things like that.

I fell asleep very quickly after constructing myself a nest of pillows, teddies and blankets. I swear my dreams are odd at times, as I dreamed that Nathaniel had somehow acquired my old yellow Gameboy console. I'd had that thing for YEARS and it was battered, ratty and the screen panel had fallen off years ago. I think I lent it to someone, but never saw it again, not that I mind, but I will admit it would be nice to see it again if possible. I think between that and my Master System (which I know Nathaniel did have off me), that thing was a part of my childhood. I guess I have been a gamer from a young age really, but that is just me.

I woke up and I felt hot. It was a knock at the door from the Housing Officer who wanted to talk to me about my well-being. I must have looked a right sight, white as a sheet, sweating and shaking, wheezing slightly. He asked if I was alright and I just said I had woke up, he apologized for waking me, and I went back to sleep for a little while. When I woke, I was still feeling hot, so I checked my temp, 39.8... peak flow was very low at 160 l/min and I was generally feeling crappy. I took my pills, some co-codamol as I was in a lot of pain, and a long neb of Salbutamol, Ipratropium and Saline, as well as my Symbicort inhaler.

Today, I just feel crap and don't quite know what to expect so will keep you posted. 

Loves
Wendy xx

Tears, Pain and Frustration...

Have you ever had everything build up on you so badly that you either want to scream, run away or cry until there are no tears left in the world. I guess last night I had one of those nights. I was wheezing, breathless, Steve was being an arse over some minor, petty grievances and I just couldn't cope. It was made 100 times harder when I was being rushed back in to the hospital for the second time in as many weeks. I'd never felt so defeated.

I don't even remember getting to the hospital. I remember wanting to go to sleep, Steve was ranting and arguing at me. I was scared. I was confused. What made it harder was the fact I was accused of not trying by Steve. How could he think I was not trying? There are days when I can't even walk a few feet, how am I supposed to run a household and care for someone else? I am glad he realised that I do try and I am putting in more effort in one day, than he can say for a lifetime, but I really don't want to get in to that now, nor do I fancy discussing having to explain why I was in tears to medical staff who were worried about me and what was happening to me.

My asthma is basically taking a large exception to the recent cold-snaps and the infections I keep getting so its been very twitchy and I have needed nebs and oxygen as my levels drop to some pretty serious and horrible levels. According to Steve, I was losing consciousness on several occasions, which would explain my exhaustion today. The doctor was good with me and she told me something important. It wasn't my fault and I was in the right place. Keep up my antibiotics and raise my pred a little to 50mg for a couple of days, 4 hourly nebs and get some rest and I would be OK before I knew it. I was allowed home and told to go right to bed and stay there for a few days. The problem was, I couldn't stop crying as I was upset about the whole situation at home.

I need to talk to my psych soon as I really feel that my mental problems and physical problems are winding each other up and the fact that I feel so defeated by the whole thing is not helping my mood. I think I just want a bit of normality and not medical drama around me for a while, and then I might begin to feel a bit better and less exhausted.

Loves
Wendy x

The wonders of Tramadol...

Last night was a bit of a rough night, my chest was agony (I mean really sore and I couldn't take a deep breath as it felt like someone had whacked me through a cheese grater), my temp was really high (38.7) and I was struggling again. Not good. So after about half an hour after we'd gone to sleep, Steve woke me up and got me on a neb, made me a hot chocolate and gave me a Covonia shot to help me bring up the gunk that has gathered in my lungs.

Then we went about settling the pain I was in, I had already had my Co - Codamol, so more Paracetamol or Codeine were out of the question, so we moved up to another 50mg of Tramadol. That did the trick and soon after I curled up and went to sleep quite contentedly and stayed there. Until my alarm at 10 went off to get me to take my morning round of pills, nebs and the rest of it.

I do feel a bit better after a nice long sleep and it was just what the doctor ordered really. So my mood is a little more elevated today as well which is a positive, for me at least. I want to set about doing some more missions on FF XIII, as yesterday I read in my shiny new book that if you use certain catalysts on weapons, you can get the ultimate weapons for your characters so that is what I aim to do today. Get the catalysts and make some really impressive weapons for Lightning and co. As well as give my dear friend Ant some presents that I have made for him. More on that later as they are surprises for him.

Also, I managed to fix my old 4GB MP3 player, it wasn't turning on as there was a file that was stopping it, I reset the device and formatted it and now it works happily again which is good because I used to have it in bed with me sometimes when I have trouble sleeping. That and if my lungs play up, I can take it with me to hospital and listen to music if I can't sleep. I usually take my laptop with me as well so I can watch films, chat on MSN (3 pay dongles are lifesavers) and generally pass the time while laying in bed and getting plenty of rest.

I do regret that I am falling asleep at the helm again, Tramadol makes me sleepy which right now is probably a good thing as I am not rushing around trying to look after everyone else.

Loves
Wendy xx

Feeling off...

I guess by now, I would have really expected to have been feeling loads better by now and my asthma wouldn't be anywhere near as twitchy or a pain in the neck. I am feeling a bit better I will admit but its not as far along as I would have wanted to be. My Peak Flow has barely been over 250 l/min after a nebuliser and even as low as 90 l/min before hand. So you can imagine my frustration as I keep up with my regimen of pills, nebulisers and inhalers.

I'm barely eating much at the moment and all I seem to want to do is play on Sims 2, sleep and sew. The problem is, at the moment all of these seem to leave me shattered and even the smallest movements leave me gasping for breath. I can't lie on my left side at all right now or I can't breathe at all and am coughing up thick green mucus which I get the feeling that if it weren't for the saline, I wouldn't shift at all. I have my appointment with Dr Pike tomorrow so hopefully we can make a decision on this one as the fluid hasn't budged by itself yet, although it probably won't until the infection clears up. The kicker, this is the same infection I have been fighting since last month, but each course has just backed it down and its flared right back up again. I have had this before and it nearly resulted in an ITU admission which I really don't wish to be facing again.

I guess what this is, is a general answer to all those who are ask me how I feel right now, its so complex and its a nightmare to keep saying it over and over again when even typing 1 or 2 words make me feel shattered. I know its stark and I haven't pulled any punches, frankly, I find that pulling punches on this one would be for the good of no-one. I can't lie, I am still not well, and it is an up hill thing. One thing is for certain, I WILL GET THROUGH THIS. I always do.

*EDIT*
Went to see housing officer about the excessive noise problem which has made life miserable for myself and Steve, and he is going to investigate and take action against them and what they have been doing. On the downside, going out in the freezing cold and ice has left me decidedly worse for wear. Luckily I have an appointment tomorrow with Dr Pike, unfortunately means if I get worse, I have to either hold on for dear life or go to hospital. Whew!

Much Love
Wendy xx

Back Home...

After days of threatening and feeling 100% awful, I have finally had my big attack and am now back home and on the mend. Turns out what was making me so unwell was an infection that wasn't as we thought it was, in my bronchial tubes, but in my lungs causing an accumulation of fluid and other nasties.

So its a steady 7 days of Pred, Tramadol and Co-Amoxiclav as well as my usual cocktail of meds to see me back on my feet.

Loves
Wendy x

Hanging on again...

I really am hanging on by the skin of my teeth at the moment, peak-flow is down to 150 l/min (my best is about 410 l/min so this really isn't good at all) regular nebbing and I can't seem to complete the simplest tasks like reaching over and talking without becoming short of breath or having an asthma attack. This isn't good at all really and an admission could be just around the corner again. I really don't want this as I have practice tomorrow and a gig on Monday. So I can't afford being ill or rushed in to hospital at the moment. So I am in a quandary.

Go in, get treated for what is probably going to be a chest infection and may need long term treatment, miss the gig and let Ant, Rich and Twitch down big time. Or try and stay out at least until Monday and then go in, chances are, the universe will make that decision for me, and I have a feeling I won't like the answer. Then again, it may be that this gig is not going ahead anyway so I can at least relax, for now. Although I have been wrong before and I will probably be wrong again and again. So I guess I gotta play this one by ear and hope for the best.

I'm not really in a maudlin mood, I just feel generally unwell and don't know where to turn of what to do. Steve, Stacey and Nat are all under the impression that I need to be in hospital, but I wonder what exactly they can do for me there that I can't do here. I have nebs, I have pred, I have everything else but it is a tricky one.I am obviously unwell, but I don't feel unwell enough to be in the hospital, it is an acute hospital and is probably over-run right now.

I guess I have to play this by ear.

Love Ya
Wendy x

Snow.

This morning I awakened to Steve showing me the freshly fallen snow. Now I love the snow as it looks pretty, but it also means that it will be too cold for me to go out too much. It did make me smile though. I know it sounds silly and such a small thing can bring a smile to my face, but sometimes anything that can boost morale is good enough reason to smile in my books.

After last night's struggle to breathe, things got really hairy last night and this could have so easily have ended in a certain yellow van with blue lights screaming in to the close and waking up in hospital yet again. Luckily I just got on with nebbing and upped my Pred again a little bit to 10mg and touch wood, I may have won. For now. I do owe a lot to Steve, Nat and JP, they helped me through the whole thing and talked to me on YIM, keeping me supported.

I slept well last night which has been something of a rarity while my chest has been a bit off, but I must have been really exhausted. I woke up after a strange dream about school, being on stage for something and my old dogs from when I was a girl. Along with lots of really strange things happening. I think part of my mind is trying to explore what happened when I was at Weston Road, with my Dad and when he left and what my brother used to do to me. Although strangely enough I am not afraid of any of this. I actually think this could be a good thing to explore and it will be great to finally come to terms and lay all of this to rest and recover.

Loves

Wendy x

Interview with an asthmatic...

In living with Asthma to the extent that I do, I often get asked many questions. Even though I have already posted today, I just fancied answering some of those questions that people ask me:

1. What is the difference between an asthma attack and a panic attack?

This is a common question. During an asthma attack the person who is going through it will be experiencing any combination of the following symptoms: tightness in the chest, wheezy breathing (usually it feels harder to get air out of your lungs, but this does vary), cough. Although not all these symptoms have to be present for an asthma attack. This is all caused by the airways going in to spasm and closing up.

Outwardly, a panic attack can look very similar. The person who is suffering will be hyperventilating (breathing very fast and shallow) and usually calms down on their own. The best you can do with a panic attack is to calm the person down and remove them from the subject of distress.


2. What does an asthma attack feel like?

Each asthmatic feels an attack differently so it is impossible to define it in a way that relates to everyone. For me, it starts with generally feeling tired and run down, I won't be interested in very much at all or all I will want to do is sleep, although I find it hard to get to sleep. I won't eat very much nor will I really get up and move around much. It feels like someone who is sitting on me and I won't be myself at all. After this, I develop a chesty, rattling cough and become wheezy. It is here that I start treating my attack and hope for the best. This can and often does progress and deteriorate very quickly.

3. How do you know when to use your medication or call for an ambulance?

I have been told many times by my doctors to go by my instincts and let my symptoms be my guide. I know to reach for the inhaler when my symptoms start, and I will use up to 10 puffs of that if needed to calm things down. If that doesn't help, then I move to my nebulisers. I will have 1 of each nebule to begin with and another of salbutamol (Ventolin) on it's own afterward if the first didn't do the trick. If this hasn't worked as it should have, this doesn't happen often now but it used to be a regular thing, then Steve or whoever is with me will dial 999 and get an ambulance to me. This will usually result in either time on wards or the A & E department where I will be given nebulisers, steroids (either pills or IV) and oxygen to stablise my breathing and get me back to normal. Once I have been discharged, I will usually have extra steroids for a week and antibiotics because I usually have an infection.

4. How do you feel after an asthma attack?

In short, exhausted, sore and I will just curl up and go to sleep. It can take up to a week for me to recover, even longer if that recovery time has been interrupted by further asthma attacks. An asthma attack is a very tiring thing.

5. What do I do if I suspect someone is suffering from an asthma attack?

My first advice would be DO NOT PANIC. If they can speak ask them if they have their medication and help them take it as instructed or by the Asthma UK Guidelines. Click here to find these. If the inhalers don't help or YOU ARE IN DOUBT, call for help STRAIGHT AWAY. Remember asthma attacks can be fatal, so PLEASE be sensible about it and take it seriously.

That's it for the questions, but if you do have more don't be afraid to email them to me at w_bostock@hotmail.co.uk, I may not be able to answer them all, but I promise to do my best to answer as many as I can, also I really would recommend a look through the Asthma UK website and find out as much information as you can.

Much Love

Wendy x