Reminders...

After my awful mood with everyone and everything last night, I think I was at that point where I needed to be reminded of something sweet and pure. That reminder came in the form of our 3 guinea pigs. Patch, who is my baby, crawled under the quilt with me and just snuggled down, which was really lovely. A typical thing for Patch to do really and it was so affectionate.

I was then met by the pups. They really are bonkers little creatures. In to everything and anything and always up for cuddles and play. Hope is getting bigger and is actually seeming to get fluffier which is the cutest thing ever. He is a vocal little creature as well and makes a lot of high pitched wheeking noises when he runs over to me. And Gizmo, well he has discovered a taste for something he probably should avoid. Gizmo is the first guinea pig I have ever met that will snaffle a cup of tea. He was climbing the cup and lapping it up as if it was nectar from heaven. I know it is probably not good for him but he loved it and it really was quite funny. Our little baby bull.

I fell asleep after my weekly fix of Glee and Tool Acadamy, as well as some Family Guy. My pain relief at the moment is pretty good and I have been kept a lot more comfortable than I have in a long time. My peak flow last night was better than it has been in nearly 2 years. After madly pumping in the same dose of a neb through an MDI (running low on Atrovent nebs so I thought instead of worrying I would try and just keep up with MDI's). To get the 500mcg dose from an inhaler which gives 20mcg per dose, I had to pump in a whopping 5 puffs per 100mcg. So that worked out at a 25 puff dose through a spacer. It seems a lot, but in actuality it was literally just the same as a nebuliser dose. With a 5mg Ventolin neb on top of that, I managed a peak flow of 430 l/min, which is actually what someone of my age and height should be getting so I had to have done something right!

It also meant that for the first time in a while, I was able to get a good nights sleep, free from pain and breathlessness, I didn't cough or snore in the night and I woke up feeling revitalised and energetic. This is something that almost never happens and I can be up several times in a night just to have an inhaler or take some painkillers because it can be just that painful at times. People don't realise just how painful asthma can actually be. When I have had a bad few days with it, my airways can feel very raw and sore, my chest muscles will be strained and over worked from the effort of taking a breath and I feel like I have been made to run several miles. It really is hard work sometimes and its not something that many people realise.

The common school of thought is that people with asthma only need a blue or brown inhaler, their lives aren't limited and they usually grow out of it. Yes this can be the case and I am thankful that there are people out there whose experiences are at least OK, but I do understand now the extent that brittle asthma can limit your life on a day to day basis.

Just 2 years ago, I was able to walk the 2 miles up hill to town with no problems and I used to love cycling. I spent time partying and having a lot of fun and my asthma never stopped me. I was only taking 2 inhalers and a nightly tablet. Yes I had been through some exacerbations requiring hospital treatment, but I always bounced right back. I am thankful for that time that I did have and I accept that I may never be able to go back to that lifestyle, but I will do my best with what I have. Even if there are days when I am just not well enough to leave the flat or all I have done all day is sleep. I think I would rather concentrate on getting well right now than anything else. My airways are scarred and damaged, some of them are widened, but I know there are people out there with a hell of a lot worse and I admire them for their strength, generosity and attitudes to keep going. People like that are rare gems and are such an honour to talk to and be acquainted with.

I honestly think if we can all take stock of what we have and remind ourselves of what we are truely blessed with, I think we would be happier as a society.

Loves
Wendy xx

A Month Later...

Its been a month now since our beautiful Alphonse passed away so suddenly. He really was such a sweet little creature and we do miss him, horribly. I think it was so sudden that we lost him and the fact he was little more than the guinea pig equivalent of a teenager just made the whole thing seem just that little bit sadder. I still sometimes look over at the cage and expect to have this black and white face looking back at me, then start wheeking happily for more food. Unfortunately we don't see him, but we do see our precious pups.

So I guess on the other side of it, it has been a month since we got Hope and Gizmo. Hope is about 7 weeks old now and is as boisterous as ever. He sat with me the other day and just cuddled up, then started making these sweet high pitched noises as he ran over and just sat on me. Everytime I move, he follows me like a lost puppy. It is safe to say, I have been adopted by this little one as Mum. I don't mind as he is such a little tinker! He keeps me on my toes.

Gizmo, who is 10 weeks old, is settling down a lot better now as well. When we first got them both, Gizmo was very skittish and would kick and squeal if you went to pick him up. Steve has done a great job with him and has trained him to be more social, I think they are very taken to each other and obviously, Gizmo is getting more used to me as well which obviously is a good thing.

As for me, well I am starting to settle down in myself a bit now. Admittedly, my chest has had other ideas and I spent last night in the hospital which wasn't fun, but at least I am now on something to try and clear my chest a bit. If this doesn't work then I will go back to Dr Pike and see what he says. What really took my doctor by surprise (the very lovely Flight Lieutenant, an RAF doctor, VERY yummy!!) was the fact that I was left to become clinically exhausted all because I had 2 of the most incompetent paramedics, who are probably good with the more obvious, but a silent chested asthmatic wasn't one of those things they knew. Luckily this seems to be a dying breed in paramedics, but you do admittedly get the odd one or 2 who are frankly clueless.

I was given more nebs, steroids, painkillers and antibiotics and, funnily enough, I began to make a recovery quick enough to be allowed home, some 4 hours later.

Loves
Wendy xx

Lack of Interest...

Before anything happens with my asthma, I go through this period of complete apathy. I mean even Sephiroth himself could walk past me naked as the day he was born and I wouldn't be that interested. I stared at the screen for 5 minutes before typing anything, this was AFTER I had fallen asleep on the loo again. I just can't seem to stay in the game when I am like this.

Today has been a fairly quiet day spent cleaning and generally putting everything in the flat just right, again. I even managed to clean down the balcony which now smells less like rotting guinea pig cage and more like bleach, wiped down the kitchen and bathroom floors and did a through vacuum of the carpets. I also managed to wipe down all the surfaces and get rid of all the dust. In the middle doing all of this, I did try and have a nap, but for some reason, I was so unsettled and had to do something.

I guess I just wanted to let you all know, I am still here, I am fighting this bastard, but there may be a point where I may have to get some help on this, I will let you all know. For now, I think I may just settle down, have a good long sleep and keep on with my meds schedule as planned.

Loves
Wendy xx

Hanging on Again...

I woke up this morning feeling a bit lethargic and generally off colour. I guess I knew this was coming and I shouldn't have felt anything other than expectant. I mean for me it isn't usually a case of IF things plan to go off, more like WHEN. I woke up at about 10 when my alarm went off. Checking my Peak Flow, it was below the dreaded 200 l/min mark. It was 190 l/min, I was breathless and I didn't understand why I was struggling again. Instead of dwelling on that, I decided that the first thing to do would be a Salbutamol 5mg and Ipratropium 500mcg nebuliser.

My protocol states that if my starting Peak Flow is rubbish and I feel rubbish then I would up my steroids and neb every 4 hours. I added in inbetween doses of 2.5mg Salbutamol and extra Symbicort, just to keep things on an even keel. This can help keep me out of hospital, BUT sometimes, it is just stalling the inevitable. I need to take this careful or I could just end up in the thick of something interesting.

To keep my mind off things, I took on the housework, bleaching the kitchen down, vacuuming the carpets and wiping down the floors. As hard as that can be on my body, it needed to be done, and I needed to keep my mind off worrying about the fact I am very breathless and my chest feels like I am being beaten around with a sledgehammer. It's not the most comfortable of things and I am trying to keep on top of things rather than avoid them. Face the problems head on, then let things progress and go one way or the other on their own. If you wait for the reaper, you forget to live. That was one thing I never ever wanted to be or ever do. It's better to just live and do what I have to inbetween, that or sink in to self pity, another thing that really REALLY gets my back up.

But I think one thing I may do is keep a record of what I have been taking, when and why, so that when the time comes, we know exactly what the score is, which could save valuable minutes when it comes to it. Call me overly officious but I think if I can help myself in anyway, I will. No matter what it takes or what the price of it is. It is a lesson I have had to learn the hard way.

Loves
Wendy xx

Fever and Humping Guinea Pigs...

Yes you did read that right. We have a Guinea Pig who is an inveterate humper. Hope spent most of last night trying his hardest to hump Gizmo and Patch. Patch was looking neither impressed nor appalled by this frisky little white thing that kept mounting him and humping his face. It would have been one of the funniest things I'd seen, had it not been for the anguished squawking from Gizmo from having his face humped. I think Gizmo must have the patience of a saint! You would need it with Hope when he does things like that.

I fell asleep very quickly after constructing myself a nest of pillows, teddies and blankets. I swear my dreams are odd at times, as I dreamed that Nathaniel had somehow acquired my old yellow Gameboy console. I'd had that thing for YEARS and it was battered, ratty and the screen panel had fallen off years ago. I think I lent it to someone, but never saw it again, not that I mind, but I will admit it would be nice to see it again if possible. I think between that and my Master System (which I know Nathaniel did have off me), that thing was a part of my childhood. I guess I have been a gamer from a young age really, but that is just me.

I woke up and I felt hot. It was a knock at the door from the Housing Officer who wanted to talk to me about my well-being. I must have looked a right sight, white as a sheet, sweating and shaking, wheezing slightly. He asked if I was alright and I just said I had woke up, he apologized for waking me, and I went back to sleep for a little while. When I woke, I was still feeling hot, so I checked my temp, 39.8... peak flow was very low at 160 l/min and I was generally feeling crappy. I took my pills, some co-codamol as I was in a lot of pain, and a long neb of Salbutamol, Ipratropium and Saline, as well as my Symbicort inhaler.

Today, I just feel crap and don't quite know what to expect so will keep you posted. 

Loves
Wendy xx

Itchy face...

I always know when I have been run down or under the weather, I end up with hives and my eczema really plays up. My body, as it has no natural immunity to ANYTHING, overcompensates and pretends to be allergic to itself as it attacks itself. Although I have NO allergies to anything, apart from, it seems, myself. So my body has loads of clusters of hives and my face is swollen, crusty and painful with eczema and I have to take anti-histamines to try and calm it down.

Needless to say, my chest isn't best pleased by all of this either, and I have been coughing and spluttering like mad. This isn't the most fun in the world, but it is all par for the course really when you live with Brittle Asthma and have such a bad immune system. I was paranoid about gaining weight, but it seems again that I have lost some, probably due to the fact that the last week or so, I didn't eat much, until yesterday and the day before when I porked down like it was going out of fashion! But this is a typical pattern for me, while coming down with something, I will eat like a horse for 2 or 3 days, then will do up to 2 weeks on nothing or near as damn it.

I managed to get some photos of the slabs that caused my accident, all I have to say there is thanks Google! for Google Earth!! I got some photos of the exact point I tripped, I have copies of my x-rays and a photo of my foot just afterwards. SUCCESS!!!

Loves
Wendy xx

Interesting...

This is a recent hot topic on Asthma UK and its something that I do find interesting myself. The subject is, of course that of the use of nebuliser therapy in the domestic setting. I myself am on home nebs and know many people who also use this therapy at home. However this is a quality of life thing, as without my nebuliser, I am pretty much housebound and unable to do the smallest things for myself.

I borrowed this from the forum, it was posted by Koolkat on August 3rd 2010.

"The 2008 British Guideline no longer recommends nebulised therapy for the majority of asthma care. It cites evidence suggesting that a spacer and metered dose inhaler (MDI) combination can be as effective, if not more effective, in many situations in which nebulisers were formally used. This includes both acute and stable asthma.

A spacer plus MDI is to be preferred because of the following issues:.

•More effective treatment with fewer side-effects because of better pattern of deposition

•Problems of poor inhaler technique largely overcome but spacers need to be used properly too

•Easily used by children and the elderly (except those with weak or arthritic hands)

•As effective as a nebuliser in treatment of acute attacks but light, cheap, maintenance free, portable and available on prescription

•Useful for treatment of first attacks of wheezing in patients who have not used inhalers before

•Useful for administration of bronchodilator when testing reversibility in the surgery to establish the diagnosis of asthma

•Reduced prescribing costs by basing treatment on the much cheaper metered dose inhalers

There are few cases in which the British Guideline recommends nebuliser use. It initially states that there are insufficient data to make a recommendation about their use in life-threatening asthma. However, later the Guideline does recommend that the nebulised route (oxygen-driven) is used for the delivery of high-dose beta agonists in acute asthma with life threatening features. Nebulisers have however certainly been used in this situation to deliver high-dose inhaled drugs. If a nebuliser is used in the emergency situation, there are theoretical risks of oxygen desaturation whilst using air-driven compressors. Therefore nebulisers should be oxygen-driven with a "high flow regulator" fitted to the cylinder in order to provide the necessary flow rate of 6 l/min.

Nebulisers are less useful for domiciliary management of stable asthma, but patient preference should be taken into account, and some patients - especially those with brittle asthma - may have more confidence in nebulisers than in MDIs. Such patients require a verbal and written plan for self-treatment and it is essential that repeated use of the nebuliser does not lead to failure to seek medical help and the prompt use of steroids."

I read this and found it interesting and got on to Google to look up the British Thoracic Society and their guidelines for myself. I found that the biggest worry of using nebs at home is that sense of security that even I will admit can be dangerous and you can get complacent about seeking help and thinking that just a neb would fix all attacks. I know this isn't the case with all attacks. I have had them and needed use of IV Hydrocortisone, Magnesium or even other therapies like Oxygen overnight so that I can recover. It worries me at the moment as so many people are currently asking about how to obtain home nebs, even though they are currently on quite small amounts of treatment as they are.

I was told that a nebuliser would only be considered at home when other options were exhausted, and we went about trying the other methods and medicines to help me overcome this. For 6 months, I had to play guinea pig, becoming inflated by steroids, taking other medicines to manage the side effects of the ones I take for my asthma. Then theres the change of preventor and protector. We tried so many different things that I was feeling like a human test subject, but because we were trying so many things, it lead us to verify what exactly we were dealing with.

Maybe what I am thinking is that rather than people asking for further therapy to be thrown at their condition, maybe they would be best finding out what it is that made them so ill in the first place, or maybe I have gotten the wrong end of the stick, but I agree with doctors who worry about the security blanket that these things can become.

Hoping you all are keeping well.

Wendy x

Struggling somewhat...

After last night's attacks and other problems, I have found myself struggling quite a bit today, and catching my breath seems to be a bit of an issue. But if I am honest, this is the usual effect of a chest infection, something that even though it is not a pleasant concept, it seems to be something I contracted as a result of going to a certain house. It did get me thinking, and then I made a decision and picked up the telephone and called Redditch Social Services, I think after all of this, it has gone on for WAY too long and there is no good to come of any of this anymore.

As for me, well, I am just dealing the only way I know how. Just doing it and doing what I can to eliminate the symptoms as they arise and keep an eye on things if they get more hairy, but I am hoping that it doesn't come to that, not after last time and Steve's reactions to it. OK this was before the Sertraline was started, so maybe if I have to, I will have to just bite the bullet and get help when I need it. Although I pray for it not to come to that again.

As for the noise problem here, well thats as bad as ever. The people above us are horrendously noisy and the guy next to us thinks we're the ones doing it, so he blasts his music as payback, problem it isn't us, I keep it very quiet as I don't like loud music unless I am out at a gig. It is like living below one nightclub and next to another and its not a pleasurable thing. I wouldn't mind as much if it wasn't all Dub-Step which is just a headache in the making. Nothing makes me more grumpy than people being inconsiderate. By nature I am not a grumpy person, but when I am denied the minimal of peace, quiet and a chance to recuperate I do get a little annoyed as I know and understand all too well the consequences of this and its not fun.

In myself, I feel better as I am not being sick constantly now, so at least there is a positive there, and I am a little less achy, I guess what is annoying me the most is the strange gunk I am shifting off my chest as it is a lovely reddish brown colour and tastes a little odd, but I could have torn something from the vomiting and coughing of the last few days, so it is just a case of watch this space and hope for the best really.

Loves
Wendy xx

A great night of music... followed by a not so fun night....

Last night's gig was a great laugh, even if we had our share of set-backs, although it was nothing on what happened to Labas! who had to endure 2 power cuts, a fire alarm and a few other things. However they like many other good showmen, (and women respectively) they managed to entertain and put on a show. The guys were awesome, and had such a laugh.

The other band that played last night was a band called "The Nightmare Circus" another great band and set of guys, I got talking to them after the show, they enjoyed our set, and we enjoyed theirs, so that is a definate plus. It is a great chance to find other local bands and set up a link, if you can network with enough people at a gig, it will practically guarantee that you will be asked to support again in the future. As for me, after the set, I was networking with as many different people, from bands, to audience members, and I was given some incredible opportunities, but as one of them is a secret from John to the rest of Labas! I will keep my gob shut for now.

We played well, other than a few slip-ups, a flying nebuliser and my puffers deciding that at the last song they REALLY didn't want to know, so after a few nebs and a rest, I decided that I needed to get my tight-laced corset off. After that, I enjoyed my night, talked with friends and was genuinely back to where I was 2 years ago, even with limitations.

Roll around to bedtime, the story was a little less than rosy. I was up until 5 this morning nebbing every 20 minutes and struggling to keep peak flow up past the 200 l/min mark. I probably should have gone in, but with the snow outside, and ambulances struggling as it is, I decided to persevere until morning and if no better call GP for guidance. Luckily around 5, things had calmed down enough so I could get some sleep, which really helped me recover a bit. That was until upstairs decided that it was appropriate to play their dance music at such a volume that everyone in the 16 - 24 flats around them could hear them and they were getting seriously annoyed. Next door originally thought it was us, until we showed him where it was coming from.

Unfortunately, the situation stands that I have had 4 hours sleep, and I have no idea what my peak flow is yet, not felt brave enough to have a go at it... if I need to neb more regularly than every hour today then I will have to go in, no questions asked.

I will take this chance here and now to wish you all a VERY Happy Christmas and a Safe, Prosperous New Year.

Stay Safe

Loves
Wendy x

Feeling off...

I guess by now, I would have really expected to have been feeling loads better by now and my asthma wouldn't be anywhere near as twitchy or a pain in the neck. I am feeling a bit better I will admit but its not as far along as I would have wanted to be. My Peak Flow has barely been over 250 l/min after a nebuliser and even as low as 90 l/min before hand. So you can imagine my frustration as I keep up with my regimen of pills, nebulisers and inhalers.

I'm barely eating much at the moment and all I seem to want to do is play on Sims 2, sleep and sew. The problem is, at the moment all of these seem to leave me shattered and even the smallest movements leave me gasping for breath. I can't lie on my left side at all right now or I can't breathe at all and am coughing up thick green mucus which I get the feeling that if it weren't for the saline, I wouldn't shift at all. I have my appointment with Dr Pike tomorrow so hopefully we can make a decision on this one as the fluid hasn't budged by itself yet, although it probably won't until the infection clears up. The kicker, this is the same infection I have been fighting since last month, but each course has just backed it down and its flared right back up again. I have had this before and it nearly resulted in an ITU admission which I really don't wish to be facing again.

I guess what this is, is a general answer to all those who are ask me how I feel right now, its so complex and its a nightmare to keep saying it over and over again when even typing 1 or 2 words make me feel shattered. I know its stark and I haven't pulled any punches, frankly, I find that pulling punches on this one would be for the good of no-one. I can't lie, I am still not well, and it is an up hill thing. One thing is for certain, I WILL GET THROUGH THIS. I always do.

*EDIT*
Went to see housing officer about the excessive noise problem which has made life miserable for myself and Steve, and he is going to investigate and take action against them and what they have been doing. On the downside, going out in the freezing cold and ice has left me decidedly worse for wear. Luckily I have an appointment tomorrow with Dr Pike, unfortunately means if I get worse, I have to either hold on for dear life or go to hospital. Whew!

Much Love
Wendy xx

Waking up, the morning after the night before...

Last night was probably the icing on the shit-cake that was the last week. If I had ever cried that much over something, I'll be surprised. I was tired, in pain and just wanted to sleep. Steve was in one all day yesterday, and when I found out what it was that made him stress me out like that, I couldn't have him near me for a while so I asked him to leave, followed with verbal abuse and being told that I was uncaring (OK for someone who didn't care, I managed to sob myself in to more pain). Then I got when I needed, remorse. True remorse from someone who never realised what they were doing until it got to that point.

The good news is we talked and decided to carry on together, but we are no longer engaged. We got engaged way too quickly and it really was a bad idea for me to enter this. I was dumb, and I followed my heart too far, ignoring my head.

I slept OK in the end, but had a searing headache behind my temples, to contend with the pain in my sides and chest because my lungs have fluid inside them. This is a very unpleasant prospect and its hard because its left me exhausted and I just want to fall asleep and stay there for a while and being comfortable and content. I get sick of pain sometimes I think, even if I pretend that it's OK and I'm surviving, but right now I am so weak, I can't even get the strength to cough and shift what it is thats in there. So right now I am having a neb of saline solution and getting what rest is permissible. Next door has woken me up once or twice today and its left me somewhat cranky and tired.

Here's hoping really, for the comfortable rest and shifting this myself, or I will have to face the alternative, having it drained off for me. I really don't want this as it is painful and would mean a long stay in hospital. Just before Christmas as well.

Much Love
Wendy x

Back Home...

After days of threatening and feeling 100% awful, I have finally had my big attack and am now back home and on the mend. Turns out what was making me so unwell was an infection that wasn't as we thought it was, in my bronchial tubes, but in my lungs causing an accumulation of fluid and other nasties.

So its a steady 7 days of Pred, Tramadol and Co-Amoxiclav as well as my usual cocktail of meds to see me back on my feet.

Loves
Wendy x

Stroppy lungs...

I really wish sometimes that things could, I don't know, go my way a little bit. I am getting increasingly more breathless as the week rolls on and there is that part of me that hopes I can go acute soon so I can go to the hospital without being turned away as soon as I get there. The problem with acute hospitals, people who are ill, but can't get in to doctor's as it is WAY too busy with old dears wanting antibiotics for the common cold or other minor problems which are usually self care (these are my GP's own words not mine, I just agree with him), can go, get treated and the care they need. Other than waiting at home for things to become bad enough to get to hospital and get diagnosed and treated properly. I am in that limbo inbetween this. Heres hoping soon somethings going to happen and I can get sorted before this gets to the point where I nearly die, again.

Enough about that rant I think or I would be here all day and probably most of tomorrow. Which will leave everyone exactly where we are in a situation where they cannot be happy. It is so snowy here and as cold as it is, I think its really pretty to look at. I am hoping for a white Christmas this year, but instead of dust (spending Christmas at Steve's dad's place landed me in such a state I spent January in a serious condition), I hope it will be snow. Of course allowing myself and a friend of mine to meet towards the end of the month, I am really looking forward to meeting her as she is AWESOME and has shown me how strong an individual can be in the face of adversity. She knows who she is and how amazing I think she is, I tell her every day.

A bit concerned about Steve's general attitude just lately, he has been snapping at me pretty much constantly, which makes me wonder if I did anything wrong here. Or if he is just getting fed up of the guy next door and his music, which is still going on, but we are starting the process of noise abatement, however long that takes. I don't know, I have never been in that sort of position before as my neighbors have usually been nice and understanding people. I guess when it comes to Steve, he'll either tell me why he's snapping at me constantly or he won't, but I really do need him to stop it as none of this is actually my fault and snapping at me isn't going to help any of this at all.

My head feels so fuzzy and I am having trouble staying awake because struggling this much is absolutely exhausting so I am going to leave you all now and maybe have a sleep and recover my strength a little. I will update later, or get Steve to, depending on what happens.

Loves
Wendy x

Guilty confession...

I had a band practice today, it went really well, as normal really, but we still don't know what is supposed to be happening on Monday. Are we playing the gig at Subside or aren't we? My guilty confession here is that I kind of hope we don't, my health playing up as it is and it would look awful if I were to go in to acute respiratory distress on stage in front of a live audience. Not an idea I would like to entertain.

Redditch is under a blanket of snow and it is absolutely freezing out there, and if an ambulance had to come up here, I can just imagine the trouble and really am going to hang on until there really is no other option. I can't see things getting much worse, but I have a habit for speaking too soon and being proven completely wrong.

After band practice, I completed Crisis Core again. I love that game and the end makes me cry, however as someone I know is playing at the moment I will not post spoilers here, but now I can start in hard mode and see how bad I fail this. I had to use my guidebook earlier on one bit as I get a bit lost in the area and marked on the map where it was I needed to go. I got there in the end and did the last fight with no problems.

I have started assembling my Another Day In Midgar portfolio, with all my print and illustration work in one place and its nice to look through and fills me with pride as I look through at a selection of pencil illustrations and Photoshop work. All of it is inspired by, or even inspires, what I love writing in my spare time, something I have an awful lot of right now. ADIM really gives me hope and a distraction when I have bad days or I just generally feel crappy about myself or everything around me. Then again, exploring Sephiroth's life before he went mad was something I used to do when I was a kid and needed an escape at home. I would fill notebooks (I wish I had some of these still) which I would hide away with ideas and stories and other ideas I had. I never showed these to anyone nor did I tell anyone about my own little world and that made me feel safe. I had my little world, a cave I could hide in and a friend who could protect me from everything. Even if this was just in my imagination.

I guess why the character still holds his own place in my life and the models I collect are so precious to me, Sephiroth was my hero. In some ways he still is and I am thankful that he was created and then Stephen showed me the game where he found his fame. I guess this is one of my more intimate thoughts and something that I never shared with anyone really. Not even with my friends or family. I was always scared that people would reject me or take this special thing I had away from me. Or even tried to take my special hero away.

Loves
Wendy x

Hanging on again...

I really am hanging on by the skin of my teeth at the moment, peak-flow is down to 150 l/min (my best is about 410 l/min so this really isn't good at all) regular nebbing and I can't seem to complete the simplest tasks like reaching over and talking without becoming short of breath or having an asthma attack. This isn't good at all really and an admission could be just around the corner again. I really don't want this as I have practice tomorrow and a gig on Monday. So I can't afford being ill or rushed in to hospital at the moment. So I am in a quandary.

Go in, get treated for what is probably going to be a chest infection and may need long term treatment, miss the gig and let Ant, Rich and Twitch down big time. Or try and stay out at least until Monday and then go in, chances are, the universe will make that decision for me, and I have a feeling I won't like the answer. Then again, it may be that this gig is not going ahead anyway so I can at least relax, for now. Although I have been wrong before and I will probably be wrong again and again. So I guess I gotta play this one by ear and hope for the best.

I'm not really in a maudlin mood, I just feel generally unwell and don't know where to turn of what to do. Steve, Stacey and Nat are all under the impression that I need to be in hospital, but I wonder what exactly they can do for me there that I can't do here. I have nebs, I have pred, I have everything else but it is a tricky one.I am obviously unwell, but I don't feel unwell enough to be in the hospital, it is an acute hospital and is probably over-run right now.

I guess I have to play this by ear.

Love Ya
Wendy x

Snow.

This morning I awakened to Steve showing me the freshly fallen snow. Now I love the snow as it looks pretty, but it also means that it will be too cold for me to go out too much. It did make me smile though. I know it sounds silly and such a small thing can bring a smile to my face, but sometimes anything that can boost morale is good enough reason to smile in my books.

After last night's struggle to breathe, things got really hairy last night and this could have so easily have ended in a certain yellow van with blue lights screaming in to the close and waking up in hospital yet again. Luckily I just got on with nebbing and upped my Pred again a little bit to 10mg and touch wood, I may have won. For now. I do owe a lot to Steve, Nat and JP, they helped me through the whole thing and talked to me on YIM, keeping me supported.

I slept well last night which has been something of a rarity while my chest has been a bit off, but I must have been really exhausted. I woke up after a strange dream about school, being on stage for something and my old dogs from when I was a girl. Along with lots of really strange things happening. I think part of my mind is trying to explore what happened when I was at Weston Road, with my Dad and when he left and what my brother used to do to me. Although strangely enough I am not afraid of any of this. I actually think this could be a good thing to explore and it will be great to finally come to terms and lay all of this to rest and recover.

Loves

Wendy x

Interview with an asthmatic...

In living with Asthma to the extent that I do, I often get asked many questions. Even though I have already posted today, I just fancied answering some of those questions that people ask me:

1. What is the difference between an asthma attack and a panic attack?

This is a common question. During an asthma attack the person who is going through it will be experiencing any combination of the following symptoms: tightness in the chest, wheezy breathing (usually it feels harder to get air out of your lungs, but this does vary), cough. Although not all these symptoms have to be present for an asthma attack. This is all caused by the airways going in to spasm and closing up.

Outwardly, a panic attack can look very similar. The person who is suffering will be hyperventilating (breathing very fast and shallow) and usually calms down on their own. The best you can do with a panic attack is to calm the person down and remove them from the subject of distress.


2. What does an asthma attack feel like?

Each asthmatic feels an attack differently so it is impossible to define it in a way that relates to everyone. For me, it starts with generally feeling tired and run down, I won't be interested in very much at all or all I will want to do is sleep, although I find it hard to get to sleep. I won't eat very much nor will I really get up and move around much. It feels like someone who is sitting on me and I won't be myself at all. After this, I develop a chesty, rattling cough and become wheezy. It is here that I start treating my attack and hope for the best. This can and often does progress and deteriorate very quickly.

3. How do you know when to use your medication or call for an ambulance?

I have been told many times by my doctors to go by my instincts and let my symptoms be my guide. I know to reach for the inhaler when my symptoms start, and I will use up to 10 puffs of that if needed to calm things down. If that doesn't help, then I move to my nebulisers. I will have 1 of each nebule to begin with and another of salbutamol (Ventolin) on it's own afterward if the first didn't do the trick. If this hasn't worked as it should have, this doesn't happen often now but it used to be a regular thing, then Steve or whoever is with me will dial 999 and get an ambulance to me. This will usually result in either time on wards or the A & E department where I will be given nebulisers, steroids (either pills or IV) and oxygen to stablise my breathing and get me back to normal. Once I have been discharged, I will usually have extra steroids for a week and antibiotics because I usually have an infection.

4. How do you feel after an asthma attack?

In short, exhausted, sore and I will just curl up and go to sleep. It can take up to a week for me to recover, even longer if that recovery time has been interrupted by further asthma attacks. An asthma attack is a very tiring thing.

5. What do I do if I suspect someone is suffering from an asthma attack?

My first advice would be DO NOT PANIC. If they can speak ask them if they have their medication and help them take it as instructed or by the Asthma UK Guidelines. Click here to find these. If the inhalers don't help or YOU ARE IN DOUBT, call for help STRAIGHT AWAY. Remember asthma attacks can be fatal, so PLEASE be sensible about it and take it seriously.

That's it for the questions, but if you do have more don't be afraid to email them to me at w_bostock@hotmail.co.uk, I may not be able to answer them all, but I promise to do my best to answer as many as I can, also I really would recommend a look through the Asthma UK website and find out as much information as you can.

Much Love

Wendy x

Oh my God I can't believe it, I've got my self stuck far away from home...

After yesterday's rough and bumpy ride, it finally happened. The exacerbation my lungs had been dreaming of and plotting for the last week finally happened. I finally had my backside handed to me and it was so bad, I ended up at the local hospital for more of the usual meds. Oh and an Arterial Blood Gas stab that took 4 attempts, a drip that wouldn't lay down and a fever that caused me to sweat through my sheet, blanket and hospital gown.

The doctor was really nice about things and at least took it all in good humour, I myself, well I stayed as cheerful as I could with the same spot on one hand being stabbed and then the other for good measure. I can tell you now, it really REALLY is not fun. Then theres the chest x-ray, confirmed a LRTI (lower respiratory tract infection). So its antibiotics, painkillers and 40mg of Pred. Fun, huh? You would have thought after the first 100 times, I'd watch my asthma, but unfortunately its as stubborn as I am. And I am VERY stubborn, I don't want to admit, but the evidence speaks for itself really.

I suppose I'm glad its done now, I can recover and get better. But I must take this chance here and now to thank one of my best friends ever. Ant Tremaine, you are a total, utter and complete legend for helping us get home tonight (LOVE YOU MAN!!) and to Nat, Stacey and Vicky for helping me through. Love you all loads.

Love ya

Wendy x

I did it!

I got through today, but it really hasn't been easy and I ended up nebbing every 2 hours, not unusual, but luckily I didn't go acute enough to need hospital treatment, not just yet anyway. I think the time has come to make a visit to my lovely GP, Dr P, and see what he says about all this.

Love ya all and thanks for reading x

Hanging on by a thread.

Today, my asthma just isn't going to play ball today. At all and whatsoever. Which leads me to think that another admission could well be on the cards, not a positive thought, but at least it's realistic. I don't mind being in hospital when I need to be, I mean you meet some interesting new people and at least I'll be given something to make me feel better. And at the moment, ANYTHING is better than this.

 It started with my usual barking cough, then on Friday, it started developing a little bit of a rattle, and I was getting tired more easily than usual. I was also getting this sort of ripping pain whenever I took the smallest breath in. So me being me, I took some painkillers rested and hoped that that would be the worst of it, go to sleep and wake up feeling better. I was wrong, yesterday, it was worse, I was wheezy, nebbing every 4 hours and generally feeling terrible so I upped my pred to 20mg. That did help, but today, I just don't seem to be able to get hold of it. So my plan is, keep going as is, and if it gets worse, which for some reason I can see happening all too well, do the 9's and get abducted by the wonderful people of the West Midlands Ambulance Service.

I have a lot of respect for the people who work tirelessly for all the Ambulance Services across the UK. They really do work long hours saving the lives of people who need them, and it makes me angry when you hear about hoax calls or people calling them just because they're the easiest medical service to access. I wonder if they understand that the ambulance that could attend them could be attending a scene in which someone's life could really be in danger.

That's my rant over for now at least. Hopefully after this Ventolin/Atrovent- Ventolin only session, I'll feel better, if not then I will keep you all posted.

Look after yourselves this Halloween!

Love ya muchly

Wendy x