Reminders...

After my awful mood with everyone and everything last night, I think I was at that point where I needed to be reminded of something sweet and pure. That reminder came in the form of our 3 guinea pigs. Patch, who is my baby, crawled under the quilt with me and just snuggled down, which was really lovely. A typical thing for Patch to do really and it was so affectionate.

I was then met by the pups. They really are bonkers little creatures. In to everything and anything and always up for cuddles and play. Hope is getting bigger and is actually seeming to get fluffier which is the cutest thing ever. He is a vocal little creature as well and makes a lot of high pitched wheeking noises when he runs over to me. And Gizmo, well he has discovered a taste for something he probably should avoid. Gizmo is the first guinea pig I have ever met that will snaffle a cup of tea. He was climbing the cup and lapping it up as if it was nectar from heaven. I know it is probably not good for him but he loved it and it really was quite funny. Our little baby bull.

I fell asleep after my weekly fix of Glee and Tool Acadamy, as well as some Family Guy. My pain relief at the moment is pretty good and I have been kept a lot more comfortable than I have in a long time. My peak flow last night was better than it has been in nearly 2 years. After madly pumping in the same dose of a neb through an MDI (running low on Atrovent nebs so I thought instead of worrying I would try and just keep up with MDI's). To get the 500mcg dose from an inhaler which gives 20mcg per dose, I had to pump in a whopping 5 puffs per 100mcg. So that worked out at a 25 puff dose through a spacer. It seems a lot, but in actuality it was literally just the same as a nebuliser dose. With a 5mg Ventolin neb on top of that, I managed a peak flow of 430 l/min, which is actually what someone of my age and height should be getting so I had to have done something right!

It also meant that for the first time in a while, I was able to get a good nights sleep, free from pain and breathlessness, I didn't cough or snore in the night and I woke up feeling revitalised and energetic. This is something that almost never happens and I can be up several times in a night just to have an inhaler or take some painkillers because it can be just that painful at times. People don't realise just how painful asthma can actually be. When I have had a bad few days with it, my airways can feel very raw and sore, my chest muscles will be strained and over worked from the effort of taking a breath and I feel like I have been made to run several miles. It really is hard work sometimes and its not something that many people realise.

The common school of thought is that people with asthma only need a blue or brown inhaler, their lives aren't limited and they usually grow out of it. Yes this can be the case and I am thankful that there are people out there whose experiences are at least OK, but I do understand now the extent that brittle asthma can limit your life on a day to day basis.

Just 2 years ago, I was able to walk the 2 miles up hill to town with no problems and I used to love cycling. I spent time partying and having a lot of fun and my asthma never stopped me. I was only taking 2 inhalers and a nightly tablet. Yes I had been through some exacerbations requiring hospital treatment, but I always bounced right back. I am thankful for that time that I did have and I accept that I may never be able to go back to that lifestyle, but I will do my best with what I have. Even if there are days when I am just not well enough to leave the flat or all I have done all day is sleep. I think I would rather concentrate on getting well right now than anything else. My airways are scarred and damaged, some of them are widened, but I know there are people out there with a hell of a lot worse and I admire them for their strength, generosity and attitudes to keep going. People like that are rare gems and are such an honour to talk to and be acquainted with.

I honestly think if we can all take stock of what we have and remind ourselves of what we are truely blessed with, I think we would be happier as a society.

Loves
Wendy xx

Keeping busy...

Our pups are such hard work, for us and for Patch, who has taken to them so well. Hope is a little monkey and has started Popcorning around the cage happily. When you see an animal this happy it really does warm the cockles of your heart, especially after a month like this. It's been so difficult just lately with finances being out of control, illnesses and the loss of a pet. It all seemed to hit us all at once and in our grief-stricken states we buried our heads in the sand, waiting for it all to go away, but life NEVER works that way.

So this morning I was all about RESOLUTIONS to our problems, be them with debts, personal and grief, rather than avoidance, which seems to be Steve's way of dealing with anything. Unfortunately no matter how much you ignore a problem or pretend its not there won't make it go away. To the contrary, it often makes it worse, which I keep trying to tell him this, but he doesn't listen and I would often wind up taking everything on myself and getting snowed under. Not anymore.

I spent hours today and yesterday negotiating with the people we owed money to, including our housing officer and the several companies whom I owed money from Credit Cards I had taken out in more secure times. Credit Cards, now there is a potential minefield, but we won't get in to that as it is neither constructive nor something I really wish to discuss, but I spent my time calling this number and that, setting up payment plans and working out solutions to our debts rather than ways in order to make them worse, I.E Loans or IVAs. By the end of this month, we will be not only up to date with everything, but back in a situation where we will be able to cope a lot easier with the financial constraints. It's been a good morning's work.

The pups are sleeping at the moment, after some carrot and lots of affection, Gizmo decided he wanted to use me as a comfy place to have a nap, while Hope was pestering Patch for a while. They were squeaking earlier too, which is a sound that really warms the cockles of my heart. It is a really happy place that we are in at the moment, even if there is a bittersweet feel whenever we think of the precious little life we lost. Our hearts are all healing and we're feeling better. There has been a number of poems that has helped us through the grieving for Alphonse. One of which really helped me as it reminded me that although the body had died, the soul lives on, and is in everything around us.

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.

Mary E. Frye (1932)

Loves

Wendy xx

Gig Tonight!

I am really looking forward to tonight, Omen Shadow are playing and it is going to be so much FUN! Am I nervous? Maybe a little, but I know it will pay off and will be a good night. As for today, I am pampering, and indulging myself so that when I go on stage, laced in and looking amazing, the lights start and the crowd get jumping, I can really adopt my own stage persona. Stage Wendy is fearless, energetic and most of all passionate.

So far my pink hair has gone down a treat and people have been really receptive to it. I think sometimes by changing something that at first seems small or trivial, you can really wash over with a new lease of life and I think thats what I was going for. I was getting sick of the frumpy and depressed look and wanted to show people what I look like, and I think I finally achieved it, I found ME again.

These last couple of days, I have been feeling a bit crap due to this and that, mainly I was getting frustrated that things were a bit pants really when it came to my chest. I am so desperate to go back to working and living what was a normal life for me and I think because of that, I forgot what was really important, accepting what is real now, and leaving my fantasy world where every illness has a cure and everything works out perfect for everyone. I was being idealistic and taking hope just that little bit too far and then getting depressed and miserable when things didn't work out that way, even though, I should have known really that it wouldn't. There is a difference in accepting your lot and being a defeatist, and I know that now.

So this morning, I woke up, took my peak flow and had a neb. I didn't feel like I had failed or like I was weak and pitiful. I saw myself as a strong and confident young lady who, yes goes through a lot, but goes forward and does what she needs to.

I also want to wish a friend of mine a rapid recovery and hope she gets free of the hospital in time for Christmas.

Loves
Wendy x

I could never get the hang of Wednesdays....

Is it me or does each day have it's own specific feeling? Monday is the beginning of the week, we're all gearing up for the week ahead. Tuesday has the restless feeling of busying away, and Wednesday always feels a bit flat and people feel apathetic.

On a plus side, after 2 hours of calling about 3 different numbers and arguing with so many different parts of the DWP (first we were worried we would need a crisis loan, THEN I had to call Worcester Benefit Delivery Centre,  told to call back in an couple hours while they sorted it out, Steve had to call RE: JSA can't pay him anymore, but he still has to sign on, even though his money comes from my ESA (joint claim or something) THEN I had to call another number, explain everything for the 18th time in the last week) in order to get my ESA money sorted so we could make rent and do this important thing, like eating for the next week. Money was in. We were happy about that.

Then again, last night wasn't that easy. I was so upset because I thought that maybe me and Steve weren't working any more. After a talk with Vicky, Stacey and Nat, I had a good heart to heart with Steve and I am happy to say it strengthened us. It gave me an outlet and I cried for the first time in months, I actually had a good cry, and it made me feel 100% better about how I felt. About coming to terms with my illnesses and what that meant to me. I am stubborn about everything.

I suppose I was fighting against everything as I never wanted to admit how ill I was or how hard life had become for me. I kept on trying to live as I was before all of this. I never realised how much I was putting on myself and it was so foolish, and so very stubborn. Most importantly I was WRONG and I am sorry for all the times I have scared the people I love the most.  

So we had to go shopping for our food and other stuff for the next 2 weeks. I hope this isn't going to happen every 2 weeks or I might go a bit potty. Or more potty. None of this has helped my lungs and they really had a strop after brushing my hair (!) and I wheezed my way back to my nebuliser. 5mg of Ventolin and 500mcg of Atrovent and I was ready to go out.

Have started some vitamin and mineral supplements to help my immune system and joints through the winter so hopefully I will not be swearing every time I go up and down stairs. My knees are very sore and stiff because of the large amounts of steroids I use to keep going. Not pleasant! The phrase "the price we pay for the games we play" springs to mind here.

Love Ya
Wendy x

Bit more of an Update...

I felt bad for copping out and not giving you guys a more through update on how I've been these last few days. I think its probably because I wanted to avoid it, its a pride thing and me not wanting to be a bother to anyone.

I ended up with another LRTI (to the layman a lower respiratory tract infection, which most signs point to the beginnings of another pneumonia, something I have had many times and know full well the consequences, hopefully we got it early again before it had chance to get nasty). and LRTI isn't that big of a deal usually, just extra Prednisolone and Antibiotics to clear it up and build me up a bit. Unfortunately, this one could be a little more stubborn to clear. Am going to see my GP tomorrow and see what he says and recommends, if I get out of there without more Antibiotics I will be lucky. Worst case scenario could be another trip in to hospital and even a few days in, which is not a prospect I really relish.

So, here I am, exhausted and nebbing every couple of hours or so again and trying to keep a fever in check. Steve has been brilliant and making sure I rest and keep warm, but I can't help but think he is getting resentful of this situation or even sick of me. I do wish I could change this and make it so I wasn't getting so ill all the time, but it hurts more that I can't do anything about it. I'd be lying if I didn't admit it makes me unhappy at times. But at other times, I understand, and have learned to accept my situation, so perhaps its now his turn.

Now, I've got that off my chest, I feel slightly less saddened by this situation. Heck having a certain jerk contacting me out of the blue to attack me and try and start a slanging match didn't bother me that much. On the contrary, I found being called a "Pathological Liar" by a person who is a cleptomaniac, sadist and bully really very VERY funny, and for the record dear "brother", yes, I do deserve the everything I am getting, every single win and success that I am enjoying. I do deserve the support from a loving family and some of the most amazing friends in the world ever. Oh and Yes, I do deserve the happiness that I enjoy every single day of my life, while you are left to wallow in the past because you can't let go.

Now I call THAT therapy!

Love ya
Wendy x