Tears, Pain and Frustration...

Have you ever had everything build up on you so badly that you either want to scream, run away or cry until there are no tears left in the world. I guess last night I had one of those nights. I was wheezing, breathless, Steve was being an arse over some minor, petty grievances and I just couldn't cope. It was made 100 times harder when I was being rushed back in to the hospital for the second time in as many weeks. I'd never felt so defeated.

I don't even remember getting to the hospital. I remember wanting to go to sleep, Steve was ranting and arguing at me. I was scared. I was confused. What made it harder was the fact I was accused of not trying by Steve. How could he think I was not trying? There are days when I can't even walk a few feet, how am I supposed to run a household and care for someone else? I am glad he realised that I do try and I am putting in more effort in one day, than he can say for a lifetime, but I really don't want to get in to that now, nor do I fancy discussing having to explain why I was in tears to medical staff who were worried about me and what was happening to me.

My asthma is basically taking a large exception to the recent cold-snaps and the infections I keep getting so its been very twitchy and I have needed nebs and oxygen as my levels drop to some pretty serious and horrible levels. According to Steve, I was losing consciousness on several occasions, which would explain my exhaustion today. The doctor was good with me and she told me something important. It wasn't my fault and I was in the right place. Keep up my antibiotics and raise my pred a little to 50mg for a couple of days, 4 hourly nebs and get some rest and I would be OK before I knew it. I was allowed home and told to go right to bed and stay there for a few days. The problem was, I couldn't stop crying as I was upset about the whole situation at home.

I need to talk to my psych soon as I really feel that my mental problems and physical problems are winding each other up and the fact that I feel so defeated by the whole thing is not helping my mood. I think I just want a bit of normality and not medical drama around me for a while, and then I might begin to feel a bit better and less exhausted.

Loves
Wendy x