Hello Stranger...

I'm starting to go a bit downhill again, but I think its more because of the weather than anything else. Its getting cold, damp and dreary and my lungs are taking an exception to the change in weather. My infection isn't clearing up as fast as we'd have liked, but I am keeping my head up and thinking as positive as possible in order to get through. Sometimes I have to say it is hard, but I'm managing it. I'm hoping that as soon as we can get a mobility scooter sorted for me, I will feel a bit brighter and not like a bit of a prisoner in my own body. Sometimes its just the fact that I feel worn out from the work of walking just up the road (but with my lung function as it is that is hardly surprising) but at least I can still say that I am still trying my hardest to keep it up. Sometimes it's better than others, but I have managed to make peace with that.

Besides it would be all too easy for me to fall in to depression and feeling robbed. I know that many people in my shoes would feel like they had their life and independence taken away, but really, I gave up on feeling angry or frustrated by the circumstances around me. The people who have made me the way I am now will probably never feel any remorse for their actions and will never accept what they did. That is their problem really. And as for me, I am going to do whatever I can and not let anyone hold me back anymore. I'm nearly 25 years old for goodness sake. I am old enough to make my own choices in life and to accept the consequences of the choices I make. Not everyone may agree with what I choose in life, but honestly, its not about them. Its about me. What I want for my own future. And what I want is my own life back.

As Told By Ginger, main character Ginger Foutley.

I had been watching an old cartoon series that I used to love when I was a girl. It was called "As Told By Ginger" and the character was supposed to be around about the same age as me. It was about growing up, finding yourself and growing up, mentally and physically. Like me, Ginger was an artistic young girl who just wanted to find her own place and do what made her special (be it art, music or writing) and I related to her. As she progressed and grew up, it explored things like absent fathers, peer pressure, relationships and friendships. While I was watching the cartoons, I was taken back to that young girl who started watching the series at the age of 12 and it reminded me about not being afraid to embrace the things that made me who I am today. I think eventually, I would still like to publish the story of my life and as I have a lot of material (either from my blogs, photo albums, family and other sources) and eventually, as well as my "Another Day In Midgar" works, I'd love to get published and get in to writing.

I think it is the fact that I still do these things and write on a regular basis that has kept my writers streak very much in good shape. I eventually want people to know who I am. I want people who believe that disability is either funny or a reason to write someone off to read my story and know that someone who may not have been physically strong, still had the mental strength to shine, regardless of what she is made of.

So for the last few days, I have been playing my guitar again. Playing piano and drawing as well as my sewing. Obviously these have had to be done in short bursts because of my feeling unwell, but I feel like I am getting somewhere in life now. I don't feel so fearful or upset because of what has happened to me. What has happened has happened for a reason and I have managed to thrive as a result. I do see my own flaws and I have had to learn to "haul myself up and love my scars", and believe me, I have an awful lot of them to love and I don't see them as a failure, because although I did fall down once or twice, I always managed to pick myself back up and get on with my own life.

One thing I have learned in life is that it is just as important to love yourself as it is to love someone else or have love from another. As well as the importance of self respect and the guts to say "Yeah, I have been around the block. I have made mistakes in life, and torn everything down and built it back up again." No matter how many times I fall down, there is something inside me that always manages (and always will) to find the strength and get back up again. I don't run away and I don't deny who I am anymore. I know I can be a vindictive person when pushed hard enough, but at the same time, I also know that I can be only of the most loving, kind and generous people you could ever wish to meet, but only if you treat me like a person, not a "means to an end".

Stroke my Puppy!

I love Jace and I love Becky. Without these two I would never have managed to get as far as I have over the last year. Its been over a year since Becky and I met and we are really close and we are happy sharing my flat. Sometimes, we do our own thing. I will sit with my guitar and her with her pencil and I will play while she draws. Sometimes I will draw as she makes things on the Sims. Other times, like today, we will both work on our own collections of stamps (yes, I collect stamps as they are beautiful and a snapshot in time" and compare what we have and arrangements. I like to stick mine in groups of either location of origin or in groups of subject matter (today I had some which featured wild birds and flowers from Eastern Europe and Asia). When I am with Jace, its nice because we can stick on a DVD or a film on the laptop and just enjoy it. I can be myself with him around and its OK to have my dorky sense of humour (or a rather amusing dog puppet who we have named "Oscar"). I was really weak and shaking violently on Tuesday and Wednesday and they were both lovely about it. Watching Becky and Jace as they played with this puppet was just brilliant, I don't think I had seen someone laugh like that in a long time so the level of mirth was very welcome.

Loves
Wendy xx