Attitudes...

When is a cold just that, a cold, when it comes to me. Late last week, on the tail end of yet another nasty infection, I wound up with some kind of cold. That, as colds always seem to with me these days, went straight to my chest and even though my nose was clear and I didn't feel too bunged up, I have had one of the most horrible coughs, with a lovely undertow of wheeze, that I have had in a long while. I think it goes without saying that as a result neither myself nor Becky have had a good time trying to sleep with that going on. Between the two of us, I think she has had the worst of the sleep disturbance and I do feel a bit bad about it all, but at least she understands what is making it happen, this I am glad of.

I have spent most of the day between nebs, either sleeping, playing the Sims or nebbing. It seems that right now, I am spending most of my time tethered to a machine, but to be honest, I can live with that and accept it. What does get on my nerves is the feeling of being stuck in one place, that kind of comes with the territory of being me and having the conditions that I have. The hard part at times can be the admitting that something isn't quite right, or that that the thing you thought you had under control was actually spiraling way out of any form of control. I hate having to admit that to myself, let alone other people.

Right now, I am waiting for my mobility scooter (which a good friend is helping me organise) to be delivered. I think as soon as that comes, I am going to feel the benefit as I will be able to get mobile and get around town again, without that fear of being so short of breath or in pain from my orthopedic issues. Its been a bit hard to admit that I need help and its not an optional thing. But at the same time, I am glad that I have stuck my hand up and said "OK, I need help here" because as things stand, I am struggling to move or walk anywhere and that is having a negative impact on my physical and emotional wellbeing. I am glad that now I know my weight (which is perfectly healthy for my height and build, in fact, it is the lowest weight that I have been since beginning treatment) is now not the problem. The problem is the fact that my bones are weakened and the slight curve in my spine is entraping some nerves causing painful spasm and neuropathy.On top of that, adding in my stiff joints and bad lungs, and well you can imagine the final outcome really, but I do feel that by finally admitting I have a problem getting around these days, I am now open to the help I need.

I do feel now that nothing is going to get in my way anymore and I am going to continue to strive towards independent living and being able to do whatever I need to by myself. Maybe, eventually, I will be able to get from one end of the supermarket or shopping centre to the next without pain or discomfort, without the use of a machine to help me breathe or get around, but that is something I can work towards. I just hope that people are not as judgemental as they have been in the past. One thing that does still get my back up is the attitude from some of the older people towards younger people like me having disabilities. I am tempted to get a shirt that says "Some young people are disabled. Get over it." just to stop people being so judgemental. Just because my illness is invisible, does not make it any less real, any less painful. But that is something to work towards.

Loves
Wendy xx

Hello Stranger...

I'm starting to go a bit downhill again, but I think its more because of the weather than anything else. Its getting cold, damp and dreary and my lungs are taking an exception to the change in weather. My infection isn't clearing up as fast as we'd have liked, but I am keeping my head up and thinking as positive as possible in order to get through. Sometimes I have to say it is hard, but I'm managing it. I'm hoping that as soon as we can get a mobility scooter sorted for me, I will feel a bit brighter and not like a bit of a prisoner in my own body. Sometimes its just the fact that I feel worn out from the work of walking just up the road (but with my lung function as it is that is hardly surprising) but at least I can still say that I am still trying my hardest to keep it up. Sometimes it's better than others, but I have managed to make peace with that.

Besides it would be all too easy for me to fall in to depression and feeling robbed. I know that many people in my shoes would feel like they had their life and independence taken away, but really, I gave up on feeling angry or frustrated by the circumstances around me. The people who have made me the way I am now will probably never feel any remorse for their actions and will never accept what they did. That is their problem really. And as for me, I am going to do whatever I can and not let anyone hold me back anymore. I'm nearly 25 years old for goodness sake. I am old enough to make my own choices in life and to accept the consequences of the choices I make. Not everyone may agree with what I choose in life, but honestly, its not about them. Its about me. What I want for my own future. And what I want is my own life back.

As Told By Ginger, main character Ginger Foutley.

I had been watching an old cartoon series that I used to love when I was a girl. It was called "As Told By Ginger" and the character was supposed to be around about the same age as me. It was about growing up, finding yourself and growing up, mentally and physically. Like me, Ginger was an artistic young girl who just wanted to find her own place and do what made her special (be it art, music or writing) and I related to her. As she progressed and grew up, it explored things like absent fathers, peer pressure, relationships and friendships. While I was watching the cartoons, I was taken back to that young girl who started watching the series at the age of 12 and it reminded me about not being afraid to embrace the things that made me who I am today. I think eventually, I would still like to publish the story of my life and as I have a lot of material (either from my blogs, photo albums, family and other sources) and eventually, as well as my "Another Day In Midgar" works, I'd love to get published and get in to writing.

I think it is the fact that I still do these things and write on a regular basis that has kept my writers streak very much in good shape. I eventually want people to know who I am. I want people who believe that disability is either funny or a reason to write someone off to read my story and know that someone who may not have been physically strong, still had the mental strength to shine, regardless of what she is made of.

So for the last few days, I have been playing my guitar again. Playing piano and drawing as well as my sewing. Obviously these have had to be done in short bursts because of my feeling unwell, but I feel like I am getting somewhere in life now. I don't feel so fearful or upset because of what has happened to me. What has happened has happened for a reason and I have managed to thrive as a result. I do see my own flaws and I have had to learn to "haul myself up and love my scars", and believe me, I have an awful lot of them to love and I don't see them as a failure, because although I did fall down once or twice, I always managed to pick myself back up and get on with my own life.

One thing I have learned in life is that it is just as important to love yourself as it is to love someone else or have love from another. As well as the importance of self respect and the guts to say "Yeah, I have been around the block. I have made mistakes in life, and torn everything down and built it back up again." No matter how many times I fall down, there is something inside me that always manages (and always will) to find the strength and get back up again. I don't run away and I don't deny who I am anymore. I know I can be a vindictive person when pushed hard enough, but at the same time, I also know that I can be only of the most loving, kind and generous people you could ever wish to meet, but only if you treat me like a person, not a "means to an end".

Stroke my Puppy!

I love Jace and I love Becky. Without these two I would never have managed to get as far as I have over the last year. Its been over a year since Becky and I met and we are really close and we are happy sharing my flat. Sometimes, we do our own thing. I will sit with my guitar and her with her pencil and I will play while she draws. Sometimes I will draw as she makes things on the Sims. Other times, like today, we will both work on our own collections of stamps (yes, I collect stamps as they are beautiful and a snapshot in time" and compare what we have and arrangements. I like to stick mine in groups of either location of origin or in groups of subject matter (today I had some which featured wild birds and flowers from Eastern Europe and Asia). When I am with Jace, its nice because we can stick on a DVD or a film on the laptop and just enjoy it. I can be myself with him around and its OK to have my dorky sense of humour (or a rather amusing dog puppet who we have named "Oscar"). I was really weak and shaking violently on Tuesday and Wednesday and they were both lovely about it. Watching Becky and Jace as they played with this puppet was just brilliant, I don't think I had seen someone laugh like that in a long time so the level of mirth was very welcome.

Loves
Wendy xx

Staying Independant...

Some people see bravery and courage as doing something without fear or apprehension. As for me, well I see it as doing something in spite of that fear and the knowing that there are some things in life that you just have to do. Sometimes recognising that and actually doing it can be very hard to do. Or just a bit degrading or demoralising. That can sometimes make it hard to see the difference between admitting defeat or accepting the help you need. I have always been a bit cagy about asking for help. It has been in my nature for 24 years so you will excuse me for my lack of trust in others or my apprehension to approach people.

But today, I had an unexpected brave streak in me. Rather than suffering in silence and not asking for help, when clearly I needed it, I actually asked for help. I wanted to be helped. It had been such a challenge for me since my admission on Sunday to actually function in normal everyday life. I was getting out of breath and worn out from even doing the simplest of tasks, like getting up and walking from the bed to the lightswitch in the bedroom. It was starting to take a lot out of me and I will be the first to admit that. Being a variable condition as it is, I found that my asthma really does take a nose dive at this time of year and I can be sort of alright one moment, then the next barely conscious or able to breathe properly. Its a scary thing, but there have been times when I have actually thought to myself "This is it. This is the one that will take me." or in the aftermath "How many more times will this keep happening and how much more can I honestly take?" Many people do look down their noses at me. Sometimes I get someone saying "It's only asthma, how bad can it actually be?" or "I have it and I can do things", or even "You're too young to have a disability". I think after all of that, anyone would be reluctant to ask for help wouldn't they?

But, I am getting off the subject, today I actually plucked up the courage in Tescos and actually asked about borrowing a mobility cart. The lady agreed after a quick chat and I even showed her my disabled bus pass (as it is generally awarded to those with mobility issues) and she showed me the scooter. After a few moments of getting used to it (and crashing a couple of times!) I was soon whizzing around the shop like a pro! And what fun! I enjoyed going around the supermarket without getting so short of breath that I was actually happy. Its been 3 years (nearly 4) since I have been able to do that and actually enjoy being out and about. I didn't feel disabled or "broken" anymore. I felt independant and strong. I felt like I was 24 years old again.

We are now looking in to getting one of my own, so that I can get out of the house more often and not have to worry about getting so breathless that I need to use my nebuliser constantly. So maybe in the near future, you can expect to see me whizzing around town and having the time of my life in enjoying shopping and wandering around town once more. Just don't expect any fancy maneuver work!! Oh and watch your feet as I am still a learner!

Loves
Wendy xx

Another Day in Hospital...

Yesterday was a funny one. I have never really been one to ask for help, nor accept it unless I have no choice but to do so. Then again, I never like to notice whats wrong with me when there are so many other people around me. Its something I have always done. And I have always said it that I am not the first person to get ill, nor shall I ever be the last and I certainly don't have it the worst. That has always been just me and my philosophy really. That and I had vowed that I would push what was wrong with me aside so that Becky could get over her own problems. For no other reason than her needing my help more than I should have needed hers. I know that was foolish of me and it was probably a contributing factor to yesterday and I put myself at great risk. Or maybe I lost sight of perspective and forgot that yes her problem is certainly painful, but mine was more life threatening.

I actually don't remember the exact trigger this time around. All I knew was I was waking up at midday and feeling rather rough. I couldn't breathe in at all and was exhausted. I then got a phone call asking me to come and help as Becky's knee had become troublesome. I had been considering going in and getting this looked at and Becky managed to persuade me to go to A+E myself as she could tell that there was something very wrong. I did have my reservations. For one, I didn't want her to think I was copying her or doing it for attention. Once I had signed in, the Sister came out and called me through right away, put me in to a cubicle and a doctor was called pretty much right away. After 2 doctors, an ABG stab and a cannula being inserted (much to Becky's fascination) the treatment was about to start. This started a long track of back to back nebs, steroids, IV magnesium (I hadn't had it in a while and had forgotten just how crazy it sends me) and IV paracetamol. I got taken to MAU and it was pretty much decided that I was going to stay the night. After taking to the team and persuading them to allow me to go home, I was soon ready and on the bus to the flat.

Its typical of me to not sleep very well after being in hospital, even if it was only for a day. I get used to the sights, sounds and general awkwardness of sleeping in a room of other people, people who I don't know and who don't understand the general anxiety that being in hospital causes me. I was completely unprepared and had nothing more than the clothes on my back and the contents of my handbag (sadly this only contains my iPod, purse, nebs and inhalers). Becky was amazing though. She stayed by my side the whole time (well after the 1st hour because she had to go and get her knee looked at, I won't go in to specifics as it isn't my place) and at one point, we were both lying in the bed together snuggled up and talking. I think I did fall asleep briefly on her as well!

What was weird was that before I went, I was compensating well (or at least I thought I was) and although I was nebbing more than I usually do, I was still pottering around the house as I usually do. I think I did so much of a good job, we were all fooled and no one but me knew just how sick I had become. I think it must have come as a shock to everyone when they found out! So theres an infection in both sides, and a rather big and aggressive asthma attack to recover from. Not to mention the fun of maintaining the flat and ensuring that Becky will be alright. I know she tells me not to worry, but it is in my nature to care for and nurture the sick or injured. I just need to remember that sometimes I should turn that attention to myself once in a while. Rather than trying to sit it out and wait for it to pass. These things never manage to pass on their own, but I think I just want to keep trying, maybe it's a pride thing.

I do know one thing, for the next few days, I am going to take it easy and let myself build up slowly and carefully. Also, if I do get any more problems, I will stick to my promise and go back to A+E.

Loves
Wendy xx

Future...

Everything is changing at the moment and I am actually glad. I mean for the first time in a long time, I feel like I am actually wanted and loved by someone, not for what they can get out of me, or for the person I used to be, but for who I am now. Because of that, I know I can accept and actually like who I am, regardless of my disabilities or indeed my past. As much as I do lament the past, I do accept that without it, I would have never learned how to be the way I am. Bright, plucky and optimistic. You know the phrase "never keep a good dog down" well I prefer to think of that as "never keep a good girl down".

OK so I wouldn't be the first person to admit that sometimes things aren't perfect and I sometimes start my day thinking "Oh wonderful, waking up sore as anything" or "Fantastic, I can taste the blood I coughed up last night" but now, I just see that as part of the package when it comes to me. Finding people who accept me for that has been the biggest thing I had to do. I mean I had to work out how to be positive and say "OK so it's not fantastic, but at least it's not worse than this" as well as finding a support network of friends, an adoptive family, my own family and the missing piece, someone who I love and I can share my life with.

I did find love in a way that I never even expected. Last year when I signed up to a website, I found myself talking to people who are like minded and in to a lot of the same things that I am. Most importantly, I found Jace. It was the day after my birthday last year and we had started talking, I think it had been about Naruto, but we had made a connection. After a while, that connection became deeper and we got to know each other. I remember, I logged on to Facebook, eager to read another message and keep talking. Sometimes we would ping back and forth for hours on end. I then told him I liked him and was finding myself falling more and more for him. When we finally met, I think then I just KNEW that we were meant to be together. That day was just magical and I had never felt that way before. The summer, the romance and the way things are going now. By next year, we are hoping to live together (and maybe in the near future finding a larger place so all of us can live together happily, but nothings decided yet). I know that sounds a bit odd, considering how hard we worked to keep the place we're in now (not that there was ever any chance of actually losing the place), but if we wind up getting a new place then we can actually set about making that place as homely as the one we are in now. We do love it here, but there may come a time when things may feel a bit overcrowded, which is normal really.

So here we are. We are all looking to the future and getting ready to make the rest of this year, and the years to come the best they can be, regardless of whether or not my health comes in to play.

Loves
Wendy xx

Weird Events...

There have been some weird goings on at times, but I sometimes just brush it off and put it down to experience, from there I can move on and just pick myself back up and move forward. It's kind of how I have always been and it is probably how I have survived as long as this, well that and my lack of patience with idiots or childish "he said/she said". It is more productive in my view to just say "yeah, OK, everyone makes mistakes", get over it and move on. I am glad to say that I have managed to do so with many aspects of my life, saying "goodbye" to the people who are either intent on causing trouble or are too cowardly to say what that want to to my face. I don't need that and I won't actually put up with it, and frankly it is their loss.

Aside from that, I think some forgiveness is due to the doctors. We had to try a new approach on my recurrent chest infections. The norm has been throwing one kind of antibiotic at it and repeat for as long as it takes. Sometimes this didn't work and the infections started to get more severe and well we all know what the result of that was really. I so applaud the fact that the doctor did want to try something new that my body wouldn't have had the chance to become resistant to, that was good, and no one could have anticipated that I was going to react to that particular antibiotic the way I did. A bumpy rash on my neck and spending most of the morning with my head down the loo! I don't think I have ever been that violently sick with very little inside me... We want to try and get through the weekend and see the doctor on Monday once the reaction has gone, if not then... well I guess the rest is history really.

Today, I also received a claim pack to renew my DLA. All I have really had to do is fill it in, say what, if anything has changed since the last time and mention any new things that have popped up over the last couple of years. It's not a fun process at the best of times. The form, for anyone who has never seen one or had to fill one, is a daunting thing. It is 36 pages of complex and awkward questions that you have to be 100% honest about and say exactly what life is like. You also have some questions that repeat, almost in a way to catch you out and fluster you. Its a minefield of a form and often takes up to 2-3 hours to fill in. It took us 3 hours today, just wading through and answering the questions, OK so I wasn't as drained as I was when I first filled one in, but I was a bit put out afterwards, and my wrist felt like it was made of spaghetti!

I allowed myself a nice, relaxing afternoon, finishing a small project I had started a week ago. You see, my Sephy doll has been there for me when I have needed just to snuggle up, squeeze or just confide in when I have felt scared or upset over the years. I know it sounds really silly, but I have sometimes managed to talk to my plush Sephiroth doll about things that otherwise would have been either ignored or judged harshly. I know hes an inanimate object, but to me, its like having a constant companion and one who won't tell a soul what you said or how you felt. We all find a way of coping and to me, this is my way. Judge me all you like, because honestly, I don't care if you find it weird or not. But I digress, I had been working on a new jacket and maybe even some new shoes for Sephy as his originals are starting to look a bit worse for wear after 5 years, over 200 hospital trips (approx), probably 1000 miles of travel (approx) and many MANY parties and sleepovers. I managed to finish sewing his new black jacket, made out of PVC from some old boots which I could no longer wear due to injuries to my feet. Soon I will make his armour from some silver PVC and sew them on. As well as working on a Sephiroth Cross Stitch project, based on his original artwork from the FF7 game (back in 1997).

Loves
Wendy xx

Inside "Bahamut"...

Well I decided that I would have a tech blog, not about a game or console, but on a rather unsung hero of our household. My laptop (which has always had the name Bahamut after the legendary dragons in the Final Fantasy series, my old Equium was called Behemoth and my old netbook was known as Highwind, its a kind of tradition to name things after Final Fantasy characters or creatures) was feeling and looking a bit poorly, and after 4 years of faithful and loyal service it is understandable that a few things were starting to get a bit worn out or had even stopped working altogether.

I will admit that this year, I have thrown a lot of time and money towards this device. I mean, the first things to replace were chargers (they do tend to wear out, especially when you take your laptop out) and I needed to replace the battery (again because I use my laptop here, there and everywhere). Considering the internal work that needed to be done (the power button board was worn and the mouse control was a bit poor these days, funny thing was once I had it all functional again, I had forgotten just how much I compensated for it!), those repairs were fairly minor.

So for a laptop repair, obviously the first task is to actually get inside of it. Often, laptops have veneer plates that cover the screws that hold the keyboard down and the screws under the keyboard (which have to be undone to get inside the machine), on my particular laptop (a Toshiba Satellite L500-1XL) the veneer plate was directly above the keyboard. Once I had taken that up, I was able to get at the small screws that held down the keyboard, undo the catch that holds the ribbon for the keyboard in place (sometimes it lifts up, other times it slides out) as well as releasing the ribbons for the power button and mouse button boards. Once everything was undone, here came the fun part. Lifting away the top casing, that gave access to the motherboard, processor, and the screws to release the (also broken) optical drive which I replaced and refitted a new, working drive.

Now, luckily nothing was wrong with the motherboard, hard drive or the RAM, so that in itself was a relief and saved me a lot of worry about repairs to the more vital workings. One thing I did need to do, however was carefully cleaning out the cooling fan as, again is understandable after 4 years, it had become a bit clogged up with dust and the kind of debris that only comes with 4 years of work. My attention could be turned to something a little more pressing.



I had to get a couple of really specific parts, a mouse button board and a power button board. These were incredibly simple to get hold of for the make and model and they weren't too expensive either so repairs could be done quickly and easily, all I really had to do was screw the parts down and connect them via their ribbons to the motherboard. In all, I think the entire process took me less than an hour and after testing that everything was back where it should be and functioning I was soon sorted and ready to go, very pleased with myself. Now I have made this laptop very much my own and had a LOT of fun doing so.

Loves
Wendy xx

I woke up this morning feeling a bit rotten. This is nothing of particular concern, I mean, living with what I have to live with it can be understandable that I can wake up in the morning feeling a bit out of sorts and it has been something I have come to expect. Particularly after an episode of my asthma flaring up, that can be a particularly flat time for me.

Asthma attacks are, if you have never experienced one, exhausting. Sometimes you can actually feel the strain of your lungs trying their hardest to inflate and sometimes you can even feel the strain in other muscles in your body, for me it has always been around my collarbones, stomach and intercostal muscles that take the strain. I have even had occasions where the strain and resulting pain has even affected my sternum and diaphragm leaving my chest wall to feel like it has been ripped to bits. I do find that sometimes after a struggle I can actually feel more exhausted than I was during the actual thing itself (adrenaline can be a bitch at times) and then I have been known to just hit the deck and not wake up until the next day. One such occasion meant I slept from 4PM on a Tuesday and woke on the Wednesday at 10AM...

Yesterday was one of those attacks that just come out of nowhere with no real warning. I had been taking Jace back to the station (a time I hate because I do miss him horribly when he isn't here) and I had only gotten about halfway up the path that connects where I live to the main road where the bus stop is. I had been a bit riled up about something (that will not be discussed here as it isn't a matter of importance) and was suddenly so short of breath that we had to turn back, after nebs and a few moments rest, I was soon back to how I had been before, but by the time we had finally gotten back home, I think I must have looked like I hadn't slept for a month. I spent the evening doing a few quiet things and had gone to bed rather earlier than usual. I don't think I woke at all in the night and the next thing I was aware of was the man, a rather lovely decorator called Bob, coming to just finish the last little job on our bathroom.

The bathroom works are now finally complete. They completely tore everything out (including the old bath, sink and toilet and replaced it all. Its been repainted (after the poor job from the man who had done the last paint job, he actually lost his job because of his shoddy work) and it looks really nice. Last night we actually enjoyed a bath (sharing a bath saves water and its quite fun) and when we finished we sat and chatted about everything and anything. This whole experience has been interesting for both of us, I mean Becky has had to learn about me and my issues and I have also had to learn to adjust to Becky's issues as well. It has been challenging at times, it has to be said, but at the same time it has also been enjoyable and I think we have both learned a lot about ourselves as well. But then again I do believe there is truth to the idea that if two people can argue with each other and not want to either run as far away from each other as possible or tell either party to leave then they are ultimately comfortable and close as human beings.

Besides, you can't always get on with each other and when you live in close quarters it is understandable that there can be a few disagreements about things. I think the biggest issue that Becky and I have is that we are both two very strong and independent women who know our own minds and opinions. Neither of us likes to be told what we think or feel by anyone else and when you get two people like that together, it is probably like watching two hurricanes trying to overpower each other and ultimately the two hurricanes or minds then become one mind, which to someone who tries to split them off, it can become so dangerous and destructive.

But what we sometimes forget is that no matter how bad things are, or how cross a word is towards each other, deep down we only argue like that because we do genuinely care about each other and sometimes can't see exactly where the other is coming from. Sometimes it just happens but it has never lasted too long and afterwards it all gets forgotten and we go back to chilling out together and being happy.

The good news is that the internal works on the laptop are complete, the new button board that I had been waiting for arrived this morning, after a quick chat with the postman (who met and said hello to Kadaj who was out of his cage for a while) and a fitting that took me less than 10 minutes (all I really had to do was connect the short ribbon to the mousepad and the long ribbon to the motherboard, replace the keyboard and powerbutton ribbons, screw it all back down in to place and it was over with) and now I have full functionality of my beloved laptop. I don't mean to brag, but I am getting better and faster at taking apart my Toshiba Satellite L500-1XL laptop, much like the old Toshiba NB100 netbooks (if I ever see the inner workings of one of those it will be too soon) and now all repairs can be carried out quickly, efficiently and I'm proud of that.

Loves
Wendy xx

Visit With Nat...

I love it when the unexpected happens. Be it a text, phone call or even a visit from a adored friend. Last night, it was all of our pleasure that Nat came round to see how we were all doing. Ever since I met Nat, at the beginning of my National Diploma in Media, it was the first day, he was 16 and I was 17, we have been very close. What I love about that bond is that we can always make time to see each other and have a laugh about everything that has been happening around us. Nathaniel is a kind sort of friend, the kind who doesn't make any judgements and takes you as you are.

We've been there for each other when we needed it. Either as a shoulder to cry on, someone to yell at and for them to not take it personally or to just have a cup of tea ready. Throughout everything, including the tenancy battle, he was there to advise and help and when he needs help, I do the same. A lot of people have wondered why we aren't dating, but I am here to say that there is a very good reason, but it is too complicated to explain here. That and it's just us being... well... us. He is one of the best friends I have ever had and I am thankful everyday for the fact that when I was 17, I decided to do a different course when I did.

Amongst the things we had a laugh about, I did show him a rather amusing email from my ex. This ex seems to just want to try and push and push, maybe it's to get a reaction or maybe he's just pissy because I wouldn't take him back. This email was one of the funniest things I had read for a while, heck I even showed it to 2 people who were implicated by it, neither of which had said the things that he had claimed they had said. In fact, one of them has little to nothing to do with him because of the fact that all he wants to do is bitch about me and how "hard done by" he is. Even some of his "friends" have said that he is frankly pathetic and needs to get over it. 

I mean seriously! GET A FUCKING GRIP!! As a writer, I have come across some rubbish in my time, but this was something else. What I don't get myself is why would someone who says he doesn't want to have anything to do with me is still blasting me and emailing me with either threats, attempts of intimidation or even to try and "help" me. You see he was actually being nice until I told him that I had no intention of being with him so he decided that he was going to try and get at me and those close to me. It must be something pathological.

Lucky for me, my friends are not having any of it and they are supportive of me. They tell me not to be afraid and to just keep going. Nat put it best by saying "It's like arguing with a 7 year old who just says "Why?" constantly". To be honest, I have found arguments from 6 year olds more interesting and believable, but that isn't really the point. My point is that I refuse to let anyone knock me down and keep me there. It is not in my nature to back down and run away. Besides who is really interested in a person THAT pointless and pathetic and his blog that no body actually reads.

Loves
Wendy xx

Repairs...

It's been a lovely few days and I have spent them in the company of people who make me feel good about myself and make my life feel like it is worth living still. Jace came to visit and despite the sometimes awkward sleeping arrangements (having a double bed in one room and a futon in the other, (said futon can be a killer on those of us whose backs decide that they HAVE to be sore) and 3 people to accommodate (soon to be 4 of us)) it has been a really enjoyable few days. OK so we haven't really done too much unusual stuff or anything like that, but it was nice to just spend the time together as a group of people.

The fiasco that was the renovation of our bathroom is finally coming to a close, after another painter has finished the job he very kindly agreed to do. You see, the first decorator we had was something of a blundering idiot who watered the magnolia paint so much that it was just like a white wash, it looked absolutely dire. Paint was everywhere, including all over the lovely new fixtures and the window. The gentleman who came to put the work right, a man named Bob has as yet done a fantastic job and when he's finished we are going to have a lovely new bathroom which will be a pleasure to relax and enjoy a hot bath in.

It is times like this that I am actually thankful for my ability to pretty much maintain and fix up most things so that I can do it for myself. That way then if an unsatisfactory job has been done, I only have myself to blame and then I can get on with putting it right. This also means that once the work is completed, I can sit back and smile, knowing that I have done the best I could to get things back to how they should be. My laptop is a shining example of this.

I have had this thing for over 3 years now. In fact it could be getting closer to 4 years, I am not entirely sure. I won't go in to the specifics of why the replacement was needed, but over the years, this laptop has been maintained, and has never been permanently out of use. Yes there was the time when the ribbon for the power-button board had given up on me, but all I needed was some distance, a clear, cool head and of course the wonders of Ebay. I forgot that if you want ANYTHING 9 times out of 10 you can get hold of it through Ebay. My options were:

1. Get a pro to fix my laptop, with a hefty price tag.
2. Replace the laptop completely... (not even going to entertain that one).
3. Get the model numbers of the needed parts, order them and fit them myself, saving a hefty repair bill and having to break in yet another laptop.

Knowing me and how much I enjoy a challenge, I accepted option number 3, ordering 3 new parts at less than £15 each (laptop spares and repairs people are real life savers), including P+P and have been fitting them as soon as they arrive. Today was the replacement power button board (from another L500 series laptop, yet it was identical to what was originally there) and over the next couple of days will be the replacement mouse control board and keyboard. All it needs now is a new LCD panel and a new optical drive. Then my favourite laptop will be up, running and back to it's "out of box" standard.

It's amazing what can be done with a little handiwork and patience. I wish my body could be repaired the same way, but hey, you never know what could happen in a few years.

Loves
Wendy xx

Embrace Your Dreams

I haven't blogged for a while. It's not because of a hectic lifestyle or my lack of things to talk about. It's been a result of having some news that I have only just been able to come to terms with. That and my rather lovely laptop was having some minor issues. Issues I have since sorted out and now have my "thought-box" back. Plus with a few other things around me, I have been able to get myself back on some kind of track, what with help from my wonderful friends, boyfriend and adoptive sister. Together we have managed to actually get a lot of ME back and I for one feel great to be able to smile. relax and say "Hey".

As for the laptop issue, well that was interesting in itself, seems the ribbon had worn out on a part and (because it is never really that simple is it?) the whole thing needed to be replaced with a new one. Its normal wear and tear really, considering that this is a laptop that has been in use for just over 3 years and has been my constant companion for that time. To finally see results during it's restoration and its nice to see that Bahamut is still as it always has been. I'm glad of it. Not because of any other reason than it has been a labour of love really.

2 weeks without it working properly has been both a welcome break and an absolute torment as I have had to rely on either my phone, tablet or the rather large and clunky desktop that resides in our bedroom. Don't get me wrong, I am fond of the computer, just not so fond of it's occasional tempremental attitude, but hey, we can't have it all can we? But then again I have always seen things in terms of as long as it works then I am contented so you know, I can just smile and laugh at the "personality" the computer has really, I think it's as much a part of this residence, along with the rather eclectic tastes of decor or ornamentation and it all collides to create a place where pleasured moments are had by everyone.

I suppose the other more recent developments in my life right now have been the growth of which my relationships are taking form, the days when I smile and laugh with the people I love the most are the days that remind me that I have been given a second chance at doing this and I appreciate it more than words can say. I take the time I have to spend with people who make me feel like a worthwhile individual as well as continuing with my art, music, photography and needle work (and of course my writing). Yes I dedicate a load of time to just doing what I please, but also, I CHOOSE to be happy and I actually CHOOSE to enjoy myself. And that is what is important. Isn't it?

Loves
Wendy xx