Consultant's Appointment...

Today was my much needed consultation with my specialist in Heartlands Hospital, Birmingham. It was interesting and I was told off for doubting my asthma's existence as usual. I guess a part of me always wanted to believe it was all in my head, no matter how many times I saw my CT scan. I never quite connected with it being the truth somehow. But now with another person in the loop, it was somehow easier to believe it and I now know myself that what I have in my airways is definitely there and the inflammation is definitely present. No matter how much I try and convince myself otherwise.

Now the question is how much of my problems are actually being caused by my asthma? Well we aim to get to the bottom of this by an elective admission. This means 5 days of being in the hospital and poked, prodded and a number of diagnostic tests performed on me. This will definitely include a Methachloine Challenge test, to check the twitchiness of my airways. This is needed to be done as an inpatient as I will be off a number of my medicines and I could become very sick, very quickly and the doctors want to see what happens to me when my asthma goes off.

Another test that they want to do is a nasoendoscopy. Which will involve a camera being shoved up my nose to have a look at my nasal cavities and my voice box to make sure they're OK, as well as the possibility of a bronchoscopy. A camera inserted in to my airways directly to have a look at them and the state they are in. This could be a gruelling 5 days, but Tom has reassured me that nothing bad will happen and I will be fine for this. I already have a gut feeling that my airways are going to really show their true colours during the admission and I will probably have to endure some rather nasty symptoms, but after the last 2 years or so, I think I can withstand that. What is a few days of being sick in hospital if they could result in a much more stable quality of life.

My Lung Function was lower than normal today and I think I know what that was caused by, I think that was a result of having an infection recently and my body reacting and trying very hard to recover from that. That is OK though. I know myself that these things happen and sometimes I will not be at my best. That is OK with me.

I guess now I have to wait for the hospital to call me and tell me that they want to admit me. My biggest worry is how my poor little animals are going to cope without me, but Tom will make sure that they get fed, watered and cuddled so it is all OK.

Loves
Wendy xx

10 Reasons Why Asthma Sucks...

OK I have been meaning to post something a bit less about my personal politics and actually really have a talk about what my asthma really means to me, how it limits my life and if I could change anything, I would not have it at all, like so many of us. So here it is, an asthma rant which some of you may agree with, some of you will be wondering why it has never been said outside of forums and maybe some of you may be facinated with the life that 2.6 million people in the UK have to put with when it comes to being a brittle asthmatic.

Before I start however, I would like to note that Brittle Asthma is something that is usually diagnosed by a trained doctor who specialises in Asthma and Respiratory Disease and not by a standard General Practitioner. Unlike other asthma, this sub-type is very unheard of and the general public have never had to know what BA actually is and what it means to those of us who are unlucky enough to suffer with it. My diagnosis came from 2 consultants, Dr Vathenen (Respiratory) and Dr Mansur (Clinical Lead of SBAU, Heartlands, Birmingham) repectively.

So, here we go, 10 Reasons Why Asthma Sucks:

1. You have to use your medicine in public.

I hate this because people always stop and stare and I hate that. I hate the fact that kids will look at you funny and people even come up and ask you to refrain from smoking!!

2. Limitations...

Being me, there is one thing in life that I cannot stand and that is limits imposed upon me by persons or in this case an illness which makes me feel so poorly at times. There are days when I can't even get up, walk to the loo and then go back to bed without having to prepare and know there is a nebuliser waiting for me, and by the time I get there, I guess I am so in need of it that the fact I feel so contained some days that it is hard to smile and feel cheerful.

3. It can be hard to make yourself heard.

Sometimes it is a struggle to make people understand what it is I am trying to say or even my instincts being ignored. Asthma management is sketchy all over the country and it can be a gamble especially in an emergency, in some cases, my life has been put at risk by nurses or paramedics who have not looked after me properly, only to have my ass saved by the doctor just at the right time.

4. Having to go equipped:

Going out for me sometimes is like planning a military operation. I have to be careful and make sure I carry enough drugs (often enough to feel like I am carrying a small chemist), a nebuliser and batteries if needed, inhalers, spaces, peak-flow meter and if these are forgotten, it is so important that they are gone and retrieved.

5. Hospital Appointments...

I hate being poked and prodded by the best of times, but when I have to go to a Doctor's Appointment or a Hospital Appointment, I am usually tetchy as anything. I hate being examined as it feels like I am being used as a guinea pig or something, that or a lab-rat on a wheel. Then there is the physical exam which, when it is a doctor I barely know, I feel like it is an invasion of my privacy and dignity.

6. Drugs and Side Effects:

I have touched on my medicines before and how I have to carry a lot. But it does get me a lit down when I see my repeat prescription and all 16 items on there. Knowing that about 12 of them are for my asthma and hayfever alone makes me feel a bit worse because it is a bit depressing that at 23, my prescription is 3 pages long and takes about 40 mins to be dispensed at the local chemist! Then there is the side effects, because of uneven amounts of prednisolone, my bones are weakened and break easy as well as my immune system compromised. Not to mention the really horrible way that it makes me all puffy and bloated at continued high doses! Then the bronchodiolator drugs which help my breathing, cause all kinds of weird cramps. It can be a pain in the backside at times to work out what is caused by what!

7. Hospital Admissions and A&E visits:

Because I have type 1 brittle asthma and I am bad, pretty much all the time, I can never quite tell when an admission can happen, all I know is one minute, I can be a bit off, but coping OK with it and using my home drugs and then as soon as you can say "asthma attack" then I am pretty much fighting for my breath! I have had several really bad ones in the past where I have been in such a bad way that how I came out of them without any repercussions baffles myself and the medical staff. So when these happen, it is like my life gets rattled about a tiny bit... It can be frustrating to say the least.


8. Hayfever.

Not something that effects everyone, but I get hayfever and it is a pain in the arse because suddenly, my asthma becomes even more twitchy and easy to set off. I had a particularly bad time with it recently and my body erupted in hives and I ended up with an infection again!

9. "I thought Asthma just meant a blue inhaler"

Lack of understanding is such a major problem when it comes to asthma, especially those of us who have to use more extreme ends of the scale just for quality of life. People who don't understand asthma or BA tend to think that if it is not cured with a puff or 2, then it is not real. This is a big problem. People should really learn more about BA before they decide to make snap judgements like that, because unless you are going through it, how on earth can you begin to understand my world? Unless of course you have the decency to ask me and listen to what I am saying.

10. Sleepless nights:

With my asthma, I have nights where it is so bad and I am so unwell with it that I wind up having sleepless nights and nights of pain and frustration as I can't sleep. But I want to. But I can't so that circular argument starts, or I have nights where I am nebbing every hour or so. It can be horrible because I just want to sleep most of the time!

So there we are, a look in to the side of my asthma which to be honest isn't all sunshine and rainbows, but I guess I needed to vent a little and say something about how I have been affected by this and how it makes me feel or I would be lost within myself and I would never feel like I could speak freely about anything. There are days where yes I do feel like I could cry and want to scream and punch things just to let it out, but all that ends up in is a shattered Wendy with several broken bones and lungs which are closing up and painful.

Loves
Wendy xx

Watching The World...

I am feeling better today, but I have taken to just watching outside my windows, seeing what people around me are doing and how many people walk past my flat. It is interesting, considering that this was a habit born from a kind of fear, that someone I would rather not see again is watching my home or trying to break in. I would be lying if I hadn't been jumping at every sound for the first couple days on my own, but not now, I lock my door now and I know no-one can come and harm me. It has taken me a while but I really do feel comfortable and safe in my own home.

Sounds kind of silly now when I look back at how jumpy I was at first, almost to the point of near paranoia, but I developed a habit of watching the people around me, wondering where they go, what they do in the day. I have also been venturing out at least once every day, it was scary at first and I worried about what people would say about me, but my confidence has soared recently. This is a positive step as I am finally getting over a lot of fears of the outside world, open spaces and being bullied by the one closest to me.

But now, I just like to sit and just watch.  My world is blooming and becoming more interesting and I am loving it because I can feel free and safe. I have been confident again to take photos of my world and using my DSi, I have been able to share them.

I will upload soon, it is obvious to everyone around me that over the last few weeks, I have really come back to life.

Loves
Wendy xx

Result from Doctor...

Well, I went to see Dr Pike about all of this, expecting a new ointment for my rash and probably being told to get plenty of rest. Not a load more pills to make my body stop screwing me over! Turns out the problems I was having with my chest, my rash and other rather unusual symptoms as of late were all caused by a combination of Stress, Hayfever and a rather odd chest infection. My immune system seems very poor when it comes to infection, but apt for attacking my own body. It seems silly at times.

I have been started again on antibiotics again, for the umpteenth time this year, must be in the double figures by now! As well as some new antihistamines as I have been having a severe allergic reaction to something (more than likely the pollen in the air). The result was hives all over my hands, and then something I ate then resulted in me vomiting like mad. It was that or more of my allergic reaction. All because of my hayfever and high stress levels. I won't let the person who is making me feel this stressed bother me anymore. I can now go through my life embracing all the gifts and pleasures that I have in my life. A loving boyfriend who allows me to be myself and lets me have my independence, my money worries are way behind me now and I can look forward to a life of comfortable freedom.

No more struggling to make ends meet. No more worries that I may have to sell the things I own so that I can eat for another day. No more feeling incredibly guilty for having my painkillers because of someone else's dependance on them. Yes there were positives in that relationship and I do look back on the evenings where we would laugh for hours because of how silly a word sounded, but I have accepted that those golden moments are not enough to repair what went wrong. I have learned a lot of lessons over the last few weeks and the biggest one is to not be afraid of anyone or anything. Living in fear is not a life at all.

Even my GP saw a marked difference in my confidence and the fact that I was losing the steroid/ anti psychotic weight and the confidence in me was blossoming. He commended me for coping and keeping on with life. Glad that I was coping well with lung disease and a crooked back as well as I have been. I live alone and I think that right now that works well for me. I am learning to look after myself and its funny, now I am back on my own, I am back on track with all of my bills and monthly outgoings, even using a book to track my incomes and expenditures again, much like I used to back when I lived at Room 7.

I loved Room 7, it was like my own private sanctuary. I could lock the door and it was so quiet and relaxing. On days like today, I would happily lay on my bed and listen to the rain falling softly on the roof above my head. The world would melt calmly away and I would sleep for hours afterwards. I miss my place of peace, but as it lacked heating it would not have been completely viable for me to stay there, not with my lung problems. I guess here is now a place where I can feel safe and enjoy many pleasured moments with Tom and my lovely animals. Jenova will pop soon, shes getting very big now, before I was scared that the babies would be too much to cope with, but now I am really looking forward to them!!

Loves
Wendy xx

Face Each Day...

Just lately, I have been so much brighter and happier as a person. I mean I have finally managed to sort my own life out and it's so weird, I feel like I am 23 and not a pensioner. Even if I am feeling a bit crap today and have to see the doctor at 3. I would be lying if I said I was in a good, can be bothered, sort of place, but I know that the problems I need to see him about are things that really won't go away in a hurry on their own and it would be foolish of me to not get things seen to.

Its all the usual suspects really, hacking cough, cold sweats and coughing up gunk that seems to match the colour of an X-box game box perfectly. Add in a rash on my hands that is driving me up the wall and a sore back which makes walking a painful prospect. My peak flow was below 200 l/min and my body feels just drained and tired which would suggest to me that the stress of everything that happened recently could have run me down and infection, as it always seems to, has set in.

As always however, I am refusing to let the person, who has caused all of the stress and the rest of it, win and get me down. I refuse to let them hurt me or get to me anymore and they should never have gotten to me in the first place. I'm better than that. Maybe I am just over thinking the whole thing and thats how he is getting to me.

I guess today is one of those days where I need to really kick myself in to gear and stop worrying. I know the doctor will be glad to catch up with me and make sure everything is OK. My worry about the pred thing is probably unfounded and he will probably help me with it. I mean it has been a time of major stress and I have suffered as a result. My peak flow is frankly crap and I have been hitting the nebuliser more than I would care to admit to myself and this rash on my hand is maddening. I woke up at 5 this morning because it was itching and sore. Then proceeded to cough and wheeze for a while, so I think this is a good time to get help.

I'll probably post again when I know more and my heads a little less... well... muddled.

Loves
Wendy xx

Forms...

I hate them. With the sort of passion that most people would assossiate with someone that would, well not like to kill, but would rather they didn't live anymore. I think its been annoying considering that most of my time since my disability really became a major factor in my life has been spent filling out this form, that form and some other random form, another interview and assessment, it was really crazy at times, but to be honest, I am getting there with it all now.

Since my DLA was awarded (as well as a handsome Adult Care Grant of £70 per week for my care needs) and the possibility of another £30 from the Severe Disablement Allowance people, I have finally been able to secure my financial security and get myself back on track, as well as allowing myself the ability to pay for help when I need it which means that I can now live without worry or the threat of having the metaphorical rug pulled from under me. This has made me feel so much better about things.

Now I have said it before and will probably say it again and again, but I really do owe a lot to the PDSS, in particular my support worker Lee who has helped me dig through the minefield of DLA, adult care and Lifeline. Before I felt as though I was in a hole which constantly seemed to get deeper and more daunting. I was in such a bad place and I became so unhappy. I became so deeply depressed that I was considering ending my life. I am happy to say that now I don't feel that bad and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, not the freight train about to flatten me. I was constantly sick, I was deprived sleep and I was caring for someone who often said he didn't want it, but he would be horrid if I didn't. I really have come a long way from that and I really do hope that I continue to grow and become a better person as a result.

As horrid as the past has been at times, I still believe that it has given me at least that time to grow in myself and see less of the negative side of life. Even if it does mean that I have to fill in the odd form for my bus pass or disabled person's railcard. I guess at the end of the day, I am finally getting what I needed so that I can continue to make big steps and get further in life.

I was told that people looked down at me or judged me for getting the flat and what benefits that were paid in my name after Steve left the flat. But at the end of the day, what people need to remember (other than getting BOTH sides of the story before making a judgement in the first place) is that those benefits were paid to ME and the fact he had nothing when we left was that he was entitled to NOTHING as he OWED me a lot of money from various things and we had AGREED this with a witness present before any action was taken. Although I know that no one really made any judgements and this was a guilt trip, I know that if you really knew me and the situation, you would have known the reality would have been more informed in your judgements, but frankly if you still want to believe that I usurped or used that person then be my guest, you do not matter to me and you are probably blinded by your own arrogance.

Make your judgements if you will, I will never let you get to me.

Loves
Wendy xx

Fed Up Of Drama...

After this weekend, I can honestly HONESTLY say that there has been enough drama in my life to fuel a bad soap opera and a half. I am really past it now and think it is high time we all moved on and cut the cord to the past. The past is just that and I intend to make it my personal mission to keep it very much that way. No more hate or scornful behavior. If I don't like someone, then I don't have to talk to them or even acknowledge their existance. That is that really. No more nasty comments, snipes or any such behavior, I have a lot better things to focus on and to be honest, people who have nothing better to do than cause conflict really don't interest me. At all.


I am finally happy that I won my battle with Disability Living Allowance and I received a princely backpayment, which I spent on (as well as a load of treats for me, a reward for keeping on when things really were hard) numerous bills (mainly paying over counters and cash), Tom's birthday present and looking after the people who looked after me over the last month. I have a lot to thank my friends and extended "Family" for. Their support during all of this has been so gratefully received.


It was a battle that I had been fighting for about 6 months to a year. This battle was with the Department for Work and Pensions or DWP for short. The Disability Living Allowance system is notorious for its difficulty and the form itself is a minefield to wade through. If done properly (like mine was on my 3rd attempt) it can take up to 3 hours to complete. You have to really detail the specifics of your condition, even the things that normally you would make light of or try and see the funny side.

My appointment with DIAL (North Worcestershire) was the most draining experience I have had in my life. 3 Hours of talking to a stranger about what my illness is like and what I have to do to be able to cope and it is absolutely staggering. I left the appointment subdued and almost in tears because it was that hard going. Things which I hadn't given a second thought were now things that I had been considering more and more as time went on.


It is good that the people I care about and know me well do not look down on me or my situation harshly, in particular on the issue on me getting the flat when the relationship ended. Anyone who does judge me either doesn't matter or were not true friends so they do not matter to me, I do not need people who make those kind of judgements without knowing the full story really aren't worth my time. The people who looked out for me and supported me throughout this are wonderful and I could never ask for better friends, nor a better and more wonderful man in my life.


Tom is so caring and kind, so different to what I am used to. He makes me feel confident and self assured. I smile and laugh so much more now and I feel more alive than I have in a long time. I have had the confidence to try an old look I used to have back in my teens (complete with a pageboy fringe (Thank you mother) ) I have had my hair re-dyed and braided so it looks awesome.


Loves
Wendy

Catching Up...

This was supposed to go out yesterday but I kept forgetting!

I went off to my Psychology appointment this morning) after being woken up this morning by my lifeline bleeping at me because all of the things I got from Virgin Media were completely dead. I think there was some kind of fault their end because a lot of people who are on Virgin had the same problem and it was only when I saw an engineer working on the box near where I live that it all resolved itself. It still meant I had spent my morning trying to sort things out to no avail. So it was unsurprising that I was a little hacked off at first.

I went to my appointment at Smallwood house and had a chat to my Psychologist. He is great to talk to and we always have a laugh in our sessions. It was brilliant because it gave me a chance to talk about everything that went on over the last 3 weeks, re-evaluate my goals and work out where I was with everything. It helped me realise something. I have gone from a miserable life where I never EVER left the house and never felt like I could just get on with things. I was in a turbulent relationship with someone who was as typically abusive as most of the men in my life have been. I think I always looked for that in people because it was normal to me. So I ended up in relationships with men who would either smack me about or psychologically torment me to the point where I was convinced it was all my fault and would scrap because it was my only way of fighting back.

The worry though could be that with Tom, I may end up idealizing the relationship and make some serious mistakes. My best move is to live alone for at least 6 months to a year, that would then allow me the chance to learn how to be independent and learn to look after well, me. I don't mind being on my own anymore and quite enjoy the peace and quiet. I haven't been in an argument for over 2 weeks and as a result I am no where near as stressed and my problems sleeping are improving. I have proper sleep routines, I eat properly and it is good food too. I take time over my appearance now and I never go out before grooming and making sure I look at least human. I don't spend most days in what I slept in.

I am catching up with me again and am so happy to be who I was back before all of this unpleasantness and the turbulence. It was after my relationship with Mike ended that things were a bit wrong and I should never have gone in to a relationship until I worked what it was that was troubling me.

Today I have been having a shitty day with my chest. I was woken up by what sounded like me either grunting or growling in my sleep, so it could be possible that another infection brewing. Even small things are becoming an issue and a effort. But you know me, I beat infections before and chances are, I will beat it again.

Loves
Wendy xx

Urge To Faceplant Desk...

I know that by nature I am a computer hacker or some kind of whiz with them, but when networking a 3rd computer AND trying to keep access to the other 2 computers and the X-box, I think if it had have gone smoothly enough so I wasn't ranting or trying to chew my way through the desk then it would have been WAY too easy. All I wanted to do was set up Tom's desktop PC at mine as it would get more use here. Sounds simple enough... Yeah... OK...

First we had to trawl through the thing and sort out all the software and other issues we had here and believe me, even my ex boyfriend didn't have this many problems! But now, my life doesn't revolve around that minefield so I can be happy in knowing that I have finally managed to move on, but I digress, we managed to uninstall about 8 pieces of software that seemed to conflict one another which would have confused the machine. It was pretty funny, before I got my hands on it, it was slow, clunky and took about an hour to work out what it wanted to do. Now its running faster and a lot happier. I seem to have that effect on things just lately and my energy has been really, well UP rather than skirting the floor somewhere.

The main concentration of mine has been re-evaluating my life and the situations that I was in. Its funny when you are unhappy in one aspect of life, you can't settle in any others. I have my bills and other things going back on track and have gone back to using internet banking, such a useful tool, to monitor cashflow and work out what is going where, finding out I was better off than I thought I was and making ends meet here isn't a problem at all.

My housing benefit was sorted this week, as well as my council tax. I have sorted out the cable and water rates, as well as the TV licence. Heartlands were informed of my new address and I got my appointment letter this morning, as well as yesterday getting my letter from the Back Pain Clinic and both my Psychiatrist and Psychologist. So I am really concentrating on improving my overall wellness. If my health improves, then maybe the chances of my returning to work will improve. It has to be said, since the break up, my health has improved and I have been able to rest up from the hairy moments a lot better. Funny, since removing the stress from my life, things start getting better.

A lot of my health problems (particularly my asthma and my mental health) can be triggered or made worse when I get stressed out. Over the last 2 years, I was in a cycle of stress, being someone's carer and not being allowed any space to heal or recover without being made to feel bad about it afterwards. It is no wonder that I went from infection to attack to infection constantly and never had times when I was well in between. Sadly this has left me with permanent scarring in my airways and parts of my lungs will not open up anymore as they have been scarred shut. This is something that won't get better and there is no way of reversing the damage as it is too far gone. But I can live with that. I just hope that this winter I don't suffer as badly as I have done in past years.

Loves
Wendy xx

After A Fun Weekend...

It soon came to that time to go back home. I was really looking forward to getting back to my piggies, rat and hamster as well as embracing my lovely home. Feeling safe in knowing that it is indeed, MY home. It has felt good to be back home, on my own turf as it were. My flat no longer has remnants of his stuff and the bad feelings that they held for me and this was reassuring and I felt as though I had finally had some kind of closure. I text him to get his last box of books from the shed outside, but that was it. His last things were gone and I could finally feel as though I could move on with my own life.

Yesterday, Tom encouraged me, even though I wasn't really feeling too confident at first, to go out of the flat at least once a day. I took that chance and followed him in to town where we sorted out the last of my housing benefit and council tax benefits. Respectively. We then spent the evening together just relaxing and enjoying some time just happily together. It felt absolutely amazing and the evening was highlighted by events like playing around with test pots of paint (all the colours you could think of) and making my room look and feel a bit more contemporary. Hand prints, little pictures, and other amusing things. It culminated in what was one of the most grunge moments I have ever experienced. Sitting painting on the wall in torn and stained jeans, singing along to simple punk songs played on an acoustic guitar. It was awesome.

It's nice to feel like I am back to where I was or where I really should have been in the first place. I feel like a lively and happy 23 year old again and not some person who was past it or given up in life.

Loves
Wendy xx

The Legal Bits...

I thought this was worth posting so that I may make the person whose name shall not be mentioned may look at this and see that it is not just him that looks things up on the internet, it is just me that looks at the right things and finds out all the facts as I believe that if we get the facts straight then there is no confusion and everyone understands the situation accurately and appropriately.

Firstly, I wanted to look at the fact that we were in a Joint Tenancy. This means that as long as BOTH parties are paying the rent then BOTH tenants DO have equal rights to the property. This is mitigated when one tenant does not pay their share of the rent (or in our case the housing benefit in both names which we cancelled last week) then they DO NOT have equal rights. Yes his name is on the agreement, but now that is what one would call a moot point as he has lost all claim to ownership when the housing benefit was stopped and my application began.

Now I have already started the ball rolling on a Property Adjustment Order. After speaking to the housing officer and having a chat with a solicitor over the phone, now that this step has begun, it matters not whose name is on that piece of paper even while the order is being done. Basically this means that although the person's name is there, HE DOES NOT HAVE ANY RIGHT TO MY HOME at all and whatsoever. See I can be very organised and I am glad I spoke to a solicitor and got the full story and found out what my rights are.

I say this publicly as I feel that this is something that needs to come out in the open and I think that it needs to be noted this conversation with LHP Law and Rapid Response Solicitors so that if any dispute on his side should arise then I can show the courts the full story. All I want now is to sort out the Property Adjustment Order and get this complicated mess out in the open so that myself and Tom can both be happy together without people coming in to pick fights and saying they have rights when they don't.

YOU DO NOT GO IN TO ANOTHER PERSON'S HOME AND PICK A FIGHT, YES YOU HAD RIGHTS ONCE UPON A TIME BUT LEGALLY NOW, YOU HAD NO RIGHT AT ALL. YOU WILL NEVER BE CROSSING THE THRESHOLD OF MY HOME AGAIN.


Loves
Wendy xx

After A Great Night Out...

Its amazing, just how spending a little bit of time in a more interesting and fun environment can really lift my spirits and make me forget about what is at the moment a rather shitty and uncomfortable situation when it comes to the break up of myself and a certain person who shall remain nameless as he no longer factors in my life. He will NOT bring me down any longer and I refuse to let his actions put a black spot on my happiness. I wish him well in his future endeavours of course, and I thank him for his blessings for myself and Tom, but I just want the bitchiness and mud-slinging to stop as it is frankly beneath me and I am better than any of that.

Last I was out on the tiles with Tom and his lovely friends. We went to Subculture which is a sort of rock club held in a venue called Vudu. Although it wasn't quite what we expected, it was still a fun and entertaining evening and I think I must have laughed more in 5 hours than I have in frankly a long time. I danced. I drank, and I just enjoyed living in the moment as opposed to locking myself away because I was frightened of looking like a sack of spuds or a sausage tied in the middle, or having an attack in public.

I find it quite funny how I can wake up after a night out and not be hungover, then again, I didn't drink THAT much to be honest. I'm either slowing down in my old age or just becoming more sensible and taking in to account that being too drunk would result in me losing control and that could only end badly. I did have to neb a couple of times from dancing but that seems to be normal for me. I have taken the tack that life is WAY too short and it is high time I enjoyed myself instead of living the boring life of a hermit. I have gone from barely spending any time out of my flat to being out and about and even going for some short walks around to help build my stamina and fitness again.

Look out world, a new Wendy Bostock is coming and you guys better be ready for her. I'm back baby and and I am NOT going anywhere.

Loves
Wendy xx

That Moment...

I think in life there are many points which we would consider as that moment in time when we feel our lives change, sometimes for the better, others not so. In myself, I have hit that point in my life where I am fed up of being at home, feeling ill and sorry for myself and have decided that despite my health problems, I am going to just go out and enjoy myself and my life. It is too short to focus on bad stuff any more and I for one am fed up of dwelling on the past and letting people get to me. I long got out of the habit of being lectured to or ordered around by another person and I do not intend to begin again. I am in charge of my own fate and I am in charge of my own life.

I am feeling rather unwell still and my asthma is not letting me have it particularly easy today I must say it is not helped when someone visits my home and decides to get threatening or abusive towards me. Unfortunately as a result my asthma has gone haywire and I could very well end up in hospital again. I am not interested anymore in ANY of this and I know where I stand. I know what I am talking about, heck part of my course covers Libel and Slander. If you really need a definition then I suggest that you get a dictionary as you have admitted everything I said was truth, so unfortunately NOT slander. Thank you very much.

I have been advised by several friends that I should contact the police, particularly about an incident involving the purchase of a pink noose as that is actually a threat to my life, but to be honest, I am going to treat people like this with the contempt they deserve and not let them ruin my life. I am much better for all of this and I am not the one who could wind up with a criminal record as a result.

Tonight, I am going out, for the first time in about 2 years and 5 months, a night out is going to be just that, and not a trip in an ambulance. If I need that I want to at least have tonight where I can block it out and enjoy life as a 23 year old woman and not an invalid. After everything I went through, I think I deserve that. I am not going to say any more about anything to do with the situation and the bed someone else made for themselves, heck, I am not even going to refer to them by name. I have much better people in my life and I deserve for once to be happy. That is what I am going to be. I am going to be happy and enjoy my life, my friends and my wonderful animals.

As for my animals, still no word on Jenova's pups yet, but she is getting rather chunky and looks like a mummy. She likes to try and play cards with Tom which we found very funny as she kind of wandered over and took the bottom cards from his Solitaire hand! Cheeky little so and so! She then proceeded to try and eat my bookcase, my hair straightener and then twanging the bars to her cage looking at me rather sweetly! Still isn't one for lap-time but she will cuddle sometimes, when the mood takes her.

Gizmo is looking a bit down at the moment, so me and Tom took him in to the bedroom for some special cuddle time. He seemed OK with it and chattered at us before trying to jump in to my dressing gown! They are all little characters, they really are. Hope STILL humps everything in sight and Patch, well he is just affectionate and purrs at me whenever I give him a fuss. Between us, we are spending time between Selly Park and Redditch. Last night we went back to Redditch and chilled at my place for a while. I notice we spend more time at mine than anywhere else, its just been Thursday night and tonight that we have spent at Tom's.

Well, I will leave my blog there for now and I am going to go and get ready for a cracking night out which will not be spoiled by anyone!

Loves
Wendy xx

Ooops...

I forgot to mention something this week. A discovery made by myself and Tom regarding my piggy Kadaj. It turned out that HE is actually a SHE. This was a big enough shock, until I realised that she had been living the lovely and cuddly Gizmo, a 6 month old Texel/Rex cross boar. As you can imagine, as nature does, things happen and poor little Kadaj, now renamed to Jenova, is now about 2 or 3 weeks pregnant, I have about 4-5 weeks to watch and wait and see what she has.

I spent last night with Tom at his place in Selly Park. OK so I wasn't what you would have called the picture of health when I got here, but after a while, my lungs decided that they had had enough of me and gave me the worst asthma attack I have had in the last week, luckily it was possible to help myself and get my nebs, although it was seriously considered that we took a trip to the local Hospital. Not my idea of fun at the best of times, but going to a hospital where no one knows me would be scary, as bad as the Alex can be at times, at least they know my asthma and the rest of the complicated list of health problems that I live with.

The most important part of that statement is the last 2 words. "Live with." That is what I do when it comes to my illnesses, I just put up with them, not because I am brave/strong or the rest of it, but because really, I don't have an awful lot of choice in the matter. It would have been so easy to start sinking in to Self Pity and "Oh my life is so horrible... I have SOO many problems" and the rest of that messy mire, but at the end of the day, where would that get me? The answer is, of course, no where. I endure my asthma because it is there, it has always been there, albeit not as bad as it is some days, but I have always suffered with it, even as a child. My mental health problems are getting better over time and I finally feel emotionally well enough to tackle a lot of other problems in my somewhat bizarre personal life.

I am not one for a normal life, it has to be said. Currently spending my time between my place and Tom's is fun. While I am in Birmingham and not Redditch, I feel this sort of calm, tranquillity. I am happy and among friends, although my friends back in both Redditch and Stafford are never too far away from my thoughts. It's weird that this time last year, I used to have panic attacks just going outside my front door, yet now, I can happily walk around town. I think a lot of my problems came from living with a rather intimidating and threatening person who would bully me in the middle of a shop if he wanted me to buy him something. Tom is the complete opposite and even declines when I offer to buy him a token of any kind. His housemates are the sweetest group of people I have met in a long time and I feel like I am part of a small, but close family.

I think at the moment, I just feel happy being, well, me. I am in a much better and happier place and the doom and gloom is really starting to clear. Yes, I may always have problems with my body and I will never feel perfectly "well", but you know what, I think now I'm not facing a lifetime of fear and loneliness, isolated within the walls of my home and not really being allowed to talk to or confide in anyone, I can face my life and really flap my wings and fly away.

Loves
Wendy xx

Telling The Truth

I guess after re-reading this post about me over and over, I finally decided that I should share it (along with some corrections):


"Okay over the last two years and five months I was with Wendy Bostock, as her partner now this is over and she has moved on. Congratulations my dear you win, in your odd little world where everything is either with you or against you, you win. (My old little world, huh, OK yeah, this is coming from someone who was convinced that the universe was out to get him or that he was this victim of everything. Yeah.. OK)

Now dear reader I'll give you a few truths as I saw and still see them, the relationship did not start well I will admit that without hesitation, yes it was fraught with issues mainly my addiction and her worsening illness. (Whose fault was that?) So yes it was shaky to begin with but we had some good times as well it was a nice change to be able to share Christmas with someone else and it was lovely to get out of Redditch even if it was to Stafford (a town with one of the most depressing train stations I have had the "pleasure" to visit). So no it was not all bad but as time progressed we started to disintegrate as a couple firstly there was my withdrawal from my Codeine dependency and thus the cause of my rather childish behavior over the early part of the breakdown. So again I'm sorry for that but things changed after the first Christmas, for the worse, mainly in the way I was treated Most of the reports of my anger and fury were reported under false pretexts. (I told them as they happened, you had a stupid habit of forgetting what he did to others and greatly exaggerating what little things I did to him)  Wendy is, like most people in my experience, a liar and a hypocrite. (OK, look whose talking, a compulsive liar and attention seeker) she wanted me to respect her but I got the distinct feeling, even though she said otherwise on multiple occasions she had very little respect for me as a person. mainly because I am unemployed of all things. (I had little respect for you towards the end as you used every chance you could get to attack me, even reducing me to tears while I was on a hospital trolley. It was never a question of me having respect, but I respected you in the way you didn't respect me.) She was allowed to do and eat whatever she wanted while I was on a strict regime of abstinence from all but the most basic of treats so yes I started to take things into my own hands to redress the balance into a more equal footing, since we were supposed to be a partnership. (You ASKED me to restrict you from eating sweets and gaming all day because you were trying to beat your demons.)

Now in most of our arguments she threw the fact that I was abusing her and that the flats were Her home even though both our names were on the tenancy agreement. (YOU DID ABUSE ME, and we always agreed that if we split you would let me have the flat as, unlike you I am not co-dependent on my family) And that I owed her a lot more money than I really did I agreed to paying these 'Debts' off just to make life easier for the both of us,(excuse me, you knew what you were paying off, I.E: The 2 laptops you destroyed through spite, the mobile you broke because mine was better, the other things of mine you damaged and ruined as well as the Orange dongles you bullied me in to getting and paying for) at this time I was the primary claimant I deliberately gave her 50% more than myself in order for her to pay off her and my debts as and when they arose  (Wendy was in charge of the budget at the time) and yet our debts worsened while she frittered away the money on her various treats and collections while again I just got by on what little I was allowed. (Awww, poor little victim. I only used what money I got from my Student Finance to buy my collections. I still have the bank statements and receipts so don't even give me that. You STOLE my ESA from me just because I was getting that little bit more because, sadly I am DISABLED, DEAL WITH IT.)

Yes I'll admit that this might come across as fairly bitchy and bitter but hey I'm just expressing how I feel here and frankly I'm a little pissed, I served this woman the best I could and yes I still love her to an extent and until today I did respect her but when ever I have tried to admit my feelings to her I have been shut down (I'm sorry, but I was with my boyfriend and if you had bothered to ask how I was, or noticed, you would have known I was feeling extremely unwell and am currently doing my best to avoid a hospital run) so now I frankly have had enough I am not her enemy but I am certainly not entirely her friend for now. Now to continue; once we won the bid for 50 Stanley close we both had high hopes for the place but foe yours truly nothing was to change from the move, even though deep down I knew it would never work in the long run and I had told her the previous year and had offered to be the one to stay at the YMCA so she could heal
and grow but no she refused to listen to my council and the council of her closest friends. That was until last week when it finally sunk in after I admitted to her that I had been overdosing on my medication just to survive being near her. (I was getting to that point myself and I was just waiting for the right time to do this properly, but you pushed me too far and put WAY too much pressure on me. How the hell was I supposed to look after your pill on top of the mountain of meds I have to take. I did explain this to you.)

Yes the break up was amicable but if it stays that way? We will have to see. (Only you can make that happen, I have been more than reasonable, even letting you stay at mine last week so you could get sorted, and how did he reward me? Well Nat's X-Box pad has been damaged, my X-box isn't working properly and I got home to a squalid hell hole, and was told that WE made the mess, I am sorry my dear but you are very much mistaken) I just hope Tom Oliver Murray and the piggies (Funnily enough, the piggies are doing better without you and your spiteful ways) survive better than I did because it started out with me in the same positive way but rapidly went down hill from there. All in all I try to admit how I feel and I am shut down with "please don't do this" (Again, sorry but I wasn't feeling well at all and didn't need the stress of you kicking off again at me, I had to endure 2 years of that and ended up with COPD as a result.) well guess what Wendy if you want me to be bitter and twisted carry on the way you are but please remember I cannot love what I cannot respect (I'm sorry but this whole thing was actually YOU and YOUR twisted perceptions of everything. You want everyone to believe you are the biggest victim going and you omit certain points in our relationship where your abuse was little more than attempted murder and you would try and make me sicker so you could get carers allowance, or an X-Box 360. Was Daddy behind you when you wrote all this? You never could think for yourself could you?)"

Now, I have had my say in all of this and I have picked apart and told nothing but the truth about everything. I think there was a lot of problems in this relationship and I am sorry that things didn't work out. As for Tom, he is happy with me, I am happy and my confidence is slowly coming back. I am feeling more human again and less depersonalised. 

I decided to let you all have a read of this and the bits in bold were my CORRECTIONS or further information so that people get the full story and not just the snippets he wants everyone to see. Or what his Dad wants him to see. Now I want to say that this is my last word on the subject and if he slanders me further, I will be applying to the courts and reporting him for harassment.

Loves

Wendy xx

Blog of Lies

Well, I am not going to name and shame the person, but somebody decided he was going to blog about me and tell some pretty vicious lies. Accusing me of lying or hypocrisy, which was never something I ever intended to do. Luckily that person has decided that he shouldn't have written such things and erased it, but at the end of the day, I have to say it is fucking childish to do things like that and I am going to, as I always have, take the moral high ground not retaliate. Instead, I am going to do what I do best, I am going to get on with my life and enjoy every day as if it were my last.

Over the last few days, I have been getting back in touch with the real me and what I like. I pottered around my bedroom, cleaning it up and re-setting it all up in a way that I liked it. I found my bed to be more comfortable and I fell asleep very easily and quickly, but before Steve left, I found the place to be very scary and uncomfortable. It's like a totally different place and finally I feel safe there. I found a few things that I thought I had lost and finished some stitching projects that I had forgotten about. Being in a relationship with Steve, I never could settle down in myself, but that's OK. I am young, I can settle back down again.

Today, I had the confidence with Tom to do something that last year would have both scared and mortified me. I went out in public in a fitted top and the right size jeans. I wasn't poking and prodding myself feeling bulgy or chunky. I was comfortable and very confident. I am finding my old confidence and strength in myself and I don't feel so limited anymore, which can only be a good thing.

Loves
Wendy xx