Copimg With Life.

People often have their own subjective opinion on what being tired is and no two people can say they experience the same thing when they feel tired. For example, when Jace says he's tired, of keansnhe wants to go and sleep. It's hard to explain what I mean when I say "I'm just tired." Because to me, just simply wanting to go to sleep isn't the same thing. I wonder if you, dear reader, have ever experienced what I am about to explain? I wonder what your thoughts are and what it's like to not feel like this on a daily basis.

To me, being tired isn't simple. My body is so physically worn out that even getting up to use the toilet makes me have to catch my breath. I ache. From top to bottom but it's like my body is still going despite that. Often my eyes don't want to focus and my mind can be just as troublesome. My back aches from where my spine is bent. My stomach hurts because it doesn't want to digest food. My lungs feel like they're about half the size they should be (well, my function is about 40% at most with 65% effective gas transfer due to scar tissue and damage from infections and asthma). I sleep a lot but have to use a CPAP machine as my lungs are so tired after a day's work, along with previous injury to my throat, I have sleep apnea, that's actually mild considering.

I'm still trying to keep doing the same things I always enjoyed. I'm still trying hard to have what could be seen as a normal life. It's hard to admit that things like taking a shower or going to the toilet are hard for me. I guess the best way to explain it would be to think of it like a health bar in a game. As a baseline we always get +10 blocks a day. Normally a person would use 8-9, depending on the activities they do. Someone like me who has health problems is different. For instance, for me, I have to "borrow" blocks from the next day and that can really bite me in the backside. So say I started with 6 blocks. I then have to almost ration my day to make it through without needing to add to the deficit. So often, I have to choose what to do and try and make it work. Once you hit 0 you need twice as much to do things so you're forever adding to that "debt" of exhaustion until inevitably, you crash.

Hard. And catastrophically.

Game Over.

It then takes a week or so of doing nothing and not wasting any energy. Usually for me, it means a trip to hospital, usually a massive bump up with extra meds and literally just sleeping. It's only then that I get to restart and get back to normality (or as close to it as it gets around here).

But just sleeping/ taking it easy/ eating better won't make the problem go away. For example, when Jace gets tired, he just goes to sleep and feels better. For me it literally can take days before I can even function at some kind of level. And it's not like I sleep all that time either. Sometimes I have to find light activities to do and make sure that I'm doing the things I have to. It's not a pity party but more of a survival party. One that I still do my best to keep up with.

And yes there are times when I find myself at breaking point with it all. I'm not ashamed to admit that. There are days where I wake up thinking "And so we start again..." and those are difficult to comprehend. It does make my mind to to dark places and it then takes us both to pull me around again and sometimes I do have to have a good cry, a cup of tea (because that fixes everything) and hugs from Jace and the pigs. They remind me that I'm still here and there are a lot more people out there who care about me than I think when I feel that way, my friends and family are precious to me as well.

So, instead of wallowing in my own sadness and all the bad things, I try and keep positive. Happiness isn't something that you should expect. It's something you work towards and do as much as you need to in order to get it. So rather than being negative and moaning all the time, try and think "OK that sucks BUT this is something good that I'm focused on." Set achievable goals. Pay it forward with kindness to a stranger (if you see someone needs some help, do what you can to help them. Even a small gesture like a kind word or a cup of tea and a sandwich for a homeless person can mean a massive amount) and remember that misery isn't a contest, and it shocks me that people treat it that way.

Loves
Wendy xx