Where's The "Off" Button...

Last night I wound up in, and the attack was quite the usual standard (although by the time I got to A+E, the show was all but over and I was just absolutely exhausted) and its been kind of happening on and off for a while now. We have no idea why its become such a pain and I think it's time to go back to the consultant and really raise hell. We need to get this back under control because, well, its gotten to a point where it's ridiculous and I haven't really been able to do much else but live intermittently between treatments and resting.

I think one of the main things I need to work on personally is my general complacency. I think most of us out there live on the philosophy of "One more neb" or "See how I am in 10 minutes" and end up waiting until things get drastic before taking any relief medications. That is my biggest let down and I have been so used to waiting to be prompted to take my medication rather than realising my symptoms are coming back (and there are often a lot of them) and then by the time I have finally realised (usually because when you live on a constant stream of feeling like you've been dug up from your own grave, you don't always notice when you feel just that little crappier than usual) and it can get frustrating because it hurts and it makes you feel like crap. You feel like you're on the ropes sometimes and that you're edging ever closer to that last one. Its hard to keep those thoughts from your mind, especially when you don't feel well and haven't for quite some time.

The reassuring thing is that we have finally cleared the last of that bacterial infection that had been causing me so much bother. The only real issue (and what had probably been triggering me) is the fact that because of the constant infection and runs of attacks, I had developed a light touch of pleurisy again on top of a rather interesting viral bug which has been hitting people all over the show. I find it hard sometimes to work out what triggered my asthma and when there is no real cause, I find that the most frustrating thing at all. Maybe it's because I always thought that all I would have to do is take the meds and be fine, never have attacks, but I guess even I still have a lot to learn. They don't call it "Brittle" asthma for no reason after all. It is as the name suggests, brittle, easy to break or gives with little to no provocation, it has just been my asthma causing all of my problems recently and I think we seriously need to get that back on some kind of an even keel again, how we achieve that, I am not sure, but well, we can all but try and make it happen can't we?

Another thing that has come to light is the fact that I haven't been looking after my mind either. I haven't really been sleeping (as a result of a few different things, including the stress of the idiot above us, general worries and having to stay strong for everyone else) and I think I was trying to stay too strong for everyone else's sake rather than looking after my own needs and wants. Its something I've done for years and its hard to get out of the habit, especially when someone needs you to take care of them and you feel bad for even asking for a second of help. As a result I do really push myself too hard and its something I need to do. I need to stop holding my emotions inwards because I don't like my friends and family seeing me in a vulnerable state, its something I have never been comfortable with and I doubt that even now, I will ever find comfort in people knowing when I feel depressed. To finally let out 6 months of frustration, tears, pain and anger about everything that happened, its been like someone finally went to the pressure valve and started to undo it, letting the emotions run and leave my body.

Its been a rough couple of months as we have lost so many pets due to the stress of the man upstairs, his constant loud music, screaming out of the window and banging around really upset a lot of our animals and for some, it just all got too much and they were just dropping like flies. It was harder still last night to find one of our baby guinea pigs had sadly passed while I was in hospital. Poor little Gatsby was just 10 weeks old and barely had a chance to live. To me, it was like when I found Lucky had died all over again at only 9 days old. Its kind of rough when pets die, but when you only had a short time with them, I think it just reminds you of how delicate life can be. Its not been one of my best weeks admittedly, but I am keeping my chin up, doing what I need to and surviving and if you ask me, thats better than not being here at all.

I'm hoping that now with better asthma management, I can get better from all of this and I think that as for learning my lesson on leaving it too late, I really REALLY hope I can use this as a wake up call and get this thing back under control.

Loves
Wendy xx