Pre-Attack...

I know I shouldn't let it bother me and I know you would have thought it would be something I have just accepted, but I hate the feeling of pre-attack... (I use that term to sum up the feeling I get just before one of my big attacks that result in a trip in to hospital) and it seems that over the last few days that feeling has become more and more troublesome. I'm struggling with the basics of everyday life (walking from the house to the bus stop at the end of the road is like running a marathon) and all I want to do is sleep. I managed to wear myself out today by playing 3-4 songs on Guitar Hero (a game that many people know I adore) which normally wouldn't have been the case.

I'm not feeling sorry for myself really, but I think I was starting to become complacent of my own limitations in life. I never imagined that at 24 years old, my life would be a series of medical treatments, hospital visits and hours of coughing or pain. I think what has got me so bummed out is the fact that when I see my old school mates, I see them with families and children, degrees and other things that hadn't seemed so unlikely for me when I was 20 or so. While I do believe in the whole idea of everything happens for a reason, I do wonder what reason there could be for all of this. Its a strange thing to ponder, but sometimes I cannot help but lose myself in thought for just a while.

I have started to finally deal with what has been eating away at me, and coming to terms with the traumatic parts of my background, when we see and accept the dark, the light is often brighter and hope always seems to follow. It may have taken many years and a lot of therapy, nights spent sobbing on my own or just doing what I had to to survive, but I am doing it. I am learning to cope with my OCD, my bi-polar and (yes, we all know about it and I am through being ashamed of it) my schizophrenia. I don't expect special treatment and I don't let anyone make me feel ashamed or inferior because of my problems. If anything, it is in accepting myself and my mental health that I can begin to heal and put the pieces of my mind back in to place and go on living as best as I can.

Accepting ones own limitations is something that anyone with a long term condition has to learn to do. I had to learn new ways of doing things and allowed myself time to either rest or how to give myself the right medication when I needed it. I also had to learn to give myself a bit of a break once in a while. It isn't selfish or anything else. It is just human nature to sometimes need a bit of a rest or taking an extra 5 minutes to walk to the shop or the bus stop. I'm dealing with my asthma and a small pneumonia infection again, so I know that sometimes I am just not going to be up for much for a while. The first time I had it was 3 years ago, I have had it a fair amount of times since, and I remember the recovery process is sometimes just as difficult as the actual conditions themselves. It can be very frustrating at times, especially when you get so tired doing something normal like taking a bath or making something to eat or drink. I'm adapting, but sometimes I do feel a bit dejected, I mean going out over the last few days was a bit difficult, but worth it.

Loves
Wendy xx