My Journey... every step of the way.

I've been very unwell again. This doesn't really come as too much of a surprise nowadays but its still very tough to have to cope with. I mean, I should have worked out the warning signs really, especially when all I have wanted to do for the last week is sleep and I have not been too far away from my home nebuliser. I'm just not interested in anything right now and I have a fever which is persistent and making me feel really uncomfortable.

In myself I have become even more withdrawn than usual. Barely want to talk to anyone, and this cough I have had has sounded like some kind of bull seal trying to give birth to an elephant... its surreal, but it sounds so weird. knock it in with my fever and my asthma then we have on our hands something that could be bad if given an inch. I've been on my antibiotics for nearly a week and I haven't started to make acceptable headway as yet. We all know where this is headed, but I am hoping beyond all hope that it won't be the case.

I'd had a long stretch between admissions and I had been hoping that maybe I could keep that up, but we all know its never going to be the way, but you know what they say about the best laid plans of mice and men. My hope is to at least get to Monday and be able to see Jace again. I miss him madly when we're apart and its like someone removed a massive part of me. I love him. And he loves me. That means more to me than anything I could tangibly own or hold. With him and Becky around, its nice to have a support network to come home to and to keep fighting for.

Becky has been a real saving grace during this whole thing. She listens to me when I feel a bit down and tries to offer some support or advice, on nights with 39 degree fevers, she sits up and helps me to try and cool it down and then makes sure that I eat or drink something. So that is definitely something to be happy about. It improves my quality of life and in some ways, makes it easier to rest and recover from things. What I enjoy most, is the knowing that I don't have to go through this kind of thing all by myself, unlike my usual methods of doing things.

I got so used to hiding my signals and symptoms from people because I would worried about the sheer inconvenience that my conditions and problems cause others. Now I just think that yes it may disturb a night of staring blankly at the TV, but it would be a bigger inconvenience if I was to have an attack and die right there and then. That and the paperwork for a sudden death is probably something of a nightmare and then there would be the crazy task of divvying up my worldly goods and other affairs. I mean my home is full of eclectic items, paintings and other strange objects and I would not envy whoever had to sort all that out!

A bit more positive news, we're having the bathroom refitted. OK so it's only going to be basic, white walls, beige flooring, white tiles, but working fixtures and a toilet that isn't temperamental unless you flush it in exactly the way it wants to be flushed would be something of a novelty, to go with a recently refitted kitchen and next years refit of carpeting, laminate flooring for the bedroom and a bit of new furniture to really pull the place together and make it look magnificent. I love this flat and knowing that I get to stay here is something of a wonderful thing.

Loves
Wendy xx