Happy New Year...

As 2010 draws to a close, I am ready and willing to face the new year with eyes wide open and ready to accept and conquer the new challenges that lie ahead of me me, with grace, humor and, of course, courage to speak up when things aren't so good and ask for help. I am not going to set unattainable goals for myself, as doing so will only encourage me to become melancholy when I fall flat on my face.

Before I get in to all that, I thought it would be a good time to reflect on this year. The good, the bad, the wins and of course the losses which made the victories seem even sweeter. Well, I started this year with the mother of all infections and was in such a state that I was tired and in hospital. I couldn't breathe well at all and felt as though there was no hope in sight as we started the quest to get me on home nebulisers. We got the referral to Birmingham Chest Clinic by a group of us, Steve, Nathaniel, Bean and myself. We all went to see Dr Pike and after a good long talk about how I was, and the quality of life I had at that moment, we went to get a specialist view.

I struggled on, through college shoots (passing out on one and falling asleep at a table on another, poor Sean had to poke me a few times because I was so tired) and plenty of other things. I think the most memorable and the one where I really summoned what was left of my strength was the Worcester Uni shoot. We had a hospital scene (of all things) and I really came in to my own by helping dress everything for authenticity. We had dummy drip lines. Who better to apply them than the one member of the team with the bleary eyes, all the pills and inhalers in their backpack and multiple healing sites where drips had been atatched and ABG's had been taken less than 24 hours before. I felt good for all the help I gave the team. OK having attacks around them, that was something else entirely.

So we crawled in to March. All the Pred and Olanzapine (an Antipsychotic I used to take for Bi-Polar) had bloated me to the point where I looked like I had been inflated with a bike pump! I was ashamed of myself and began to hide away, but I had an appointment to go to. I felt like a rabbit in the headlights. My palms were sweaty, I was trembling and scared. Little did I know, but my life was about to change so much. After a long chat with a young registrar by the name of Dr Snelson, during which she comforted me as I told her how miserable I was, how often I was so poorly I couldn't function and how I needed just to get well, she started my home nebulisers and said it was astonishing that I wasn't using them already. All I needed now, was to get a pump and nebules from my GP.

I got my nebules from Dr Pike and he was glad that we were moving forward. I think it always made Dr Pike quite sad to watch me go from a pretty healthy and active 18-19 year old, to 22, scared and struggling to breathe or do simple things. He prescribed them and gave me very strict instructions, about use, pred and other things. We finally felt as though we were getting somewhere, now all I needed was a nebuliser compressor. And my dear friend Penny helped me there. She gave me a Freeway Freedom home nebuliser unit. It has been my companion ever since that day and have even been on stage with it at my side.

I think everything went well from there, I followed Rachy on her transplant journey, shedding tears whenever things went awry, smiling at her progress. She really is inspirational and wonderful and to see her doing as well as she is makes me feel so proud to be acquainted with such a sweet and gentle soul. As for me, well I started rebuilding myself and joined Omen Shadow. We worked together and I really enjoyed myself, I was looking forward to our first gig, but just 2 weeks away from it, I had an accident.

It was May 10th. A wonderfully warm and sunny day. I had an appointment in Birmingham for a CT Scan of my chest (that in itself will be another story) so I went to the unfamiliar place of Adderley Park. I got off my train, asked some directions and got walking. It was a 2 mile walk I later found out. I was about halfway there and I tripped on a paving stone, my left foot rolled in under me and I heard a slight pop. I stopped as this lady asked if I was OK, I smiled and said I would be fine. I was convinced it would just be muscular and would ease as I walked on it. Shock can be a funny thing, but this is either a testament to my bullheadedness, or just my stupidity at times, or even a bit of both. I hobbled the final mile.

By the time I got to my appointment, got changed in to their gown and put my clothes and shoes in to the bag, I was nearly in tears. I did my scan and was frogmarched by a nurse to A & E. I sat for a while waiting and talking to these two lovely girls, one of which was amused by my stories about the things I got up to. Turns out I have a lot of funny stories and anecdotes, often at the mercy of doctors and they can be very entertaining. Eventually, I was called through, sent for an X-Ray and given a pair of crutches to help me walk. We didn't think it was broken.

OK, we were wrong, turned out I had a spiral fracture of my 5th metatarsal. I was put in plaster and Steve and Martin came and helped me home. We laughed all the way and I went on stage at Kingsley Battle of the Bands and at the Queens Head a few weeks later with an Air Cast and crutches, playing while sat on a stool. I felt like a right plonker, but I played and went for it.

Now, here comes the EVEN funnier story. I was out of my Air Cast (after 8 weeks of it) for about 1 or 2 weeks, I can never remember which, and me being me I did something. Like my brother and mother, I have a bit of a temper on me. It takes a while, but I can be vicious when I get going but there we go. I was in a mood about something (I think Steve was irritating me by sulking about something or other, its THAT important I don't remember it) and I had been on this training course thing with the Job Centre, that was a bust so less said there the better, and was in a really foul mood. So after all of it, what did I do? Vent like a normal person? Scream or lash out at what was annoying me? Punch a pillow? No, those would have been sensible. I looked at the door, backed down for a second... then I launched my fist as hard as I could, denting the door. Breaking the 5th metacarpal on my right hand. 6 weeks in plaster later and that healed and I could play bass again.

What of my chest by this point? Well... it did what it does best, create and land me in hospital. OK it wasn't as often as last year, but the times I was in, I was staying and needed help. It was a frustrating and irritating summer really. Although I met Dr Mansur, my consultant, who started me on a couple of new medications, and other things which helped me get at least a little more comfortable. Kind of.

On the plus, my time spent not really doing anything has put me in touch with someone called JP who I have joined with in a band. This will be fun and we are having our first practice next week so this will be fun.

So, my aims for 2011?

• Get out of the YMCA.
• Finish my HND
• Less hospital visits
• Do something nice for myself at least once a day.
• Tone up and look good again.
• SMILE more.

Simples.

Loves
Wendy xx

Struggling somewhat...

After last night's attacks and other problems, I have found myself struggling quite a bit today, and catching my breath seems to be a bit of an issue. But if I am honest, this is the usual effect of a chest infection, something that even though it is not a pleasant concept, it seems to be something I contracted as a result of going to a certain house. It did get me thinking, and then I made a decision and picked up the telephone and called Redditch Social Services, I think after all of this, it has gone on for WAY too long and there is no good to come of any of this anymore.

As for me, well, I am just dealing the only way I know how. Just doing it and doing what I can to eliminate the symptoms as they arise and keep an eye on things if they get more hairy, but I am hoping that it doesn't come to that, not after last time and Steve's reactions to it. OK this was before the Sertraline was started, so maybe if I have to, I will have to just bite the bullet and get help when I need it. Although I pray for it not to come to that again.

As for the noise problem here, well thats as bad as ever. The people above us are horrendously noisy and the guy next to us thinks we're the ones doing it, so he blasts his music as payback, problem it isn't us, I keep it very quiet as I don't like loud music unless I am out at a gig. It is like living below one nightclub and next to another and its not a pleasurable thing. I wouldn't mind as much if it wasn't all Dub-Step which is just a headache in the making. Nothing makes me more grumpy than people being inconsiderate. By nature I am not a grumpy person, but when I am denied the minimal of peace, quiet and a chance to recuperate I do get a little annoyed as I know and understand all too well the consequences of this and its not fun.

In myself, I feel better as I am not being sick constantly now, so at least there is a positive there, and I am a little less achy, I guess what is annoying me the most is the strange gunk I am shifting off my chest as it is a lovely reddish brown colour and tastes a little odd, but I could have torn something from the vomiting and coughing of the last few days, so it is just a case of watch this space and hope for the best really.

Loves
Wendy xx

After Christmas...

I return and hope you all had a nice Christmas and soon I hope you all have a happy new year to match. My Christmas has been an eventful one to say the least, but thanks to Steve, it was at least fun.

It all started on Christmas Eve when I was preparing the veggies for dinner. I was peeling spuds, carrots and sprouts. Everything had been so quiet until I got stuck in to my sprouts and I could hear a familiar squeaking and purring. I walked over to the guinea pig cage, only to be met by the loudest WHEEEEEK! from Patch. By this point the little nutter was climbing the cage and wheeking loudly at me until I checked online whether it would be OK to give them a sprout or two. So the piggies have been spoiled with a few sprouts and they have been very happy about this.

The next morning we woke, had breakfast and our Christmas morning together and it was just as Christmas morning should be, quiet and spent in the company of someone who means the world to me. We cooked lunch together and I set to my surprise for Steve, the complete Sims 2 and my own upgrades, needless to say he was happy about this.

Then was the trip to see his dad. I would be lying if I said I found this a highlight of my day, but as he is a member of Steve's family and family is important, I bared it. Big mistake. First there was the dust, which set me nebbing within minutes. Is it really that much of an effort to dust?! Then there was the toilet which was frankly shameful. I won't go in to that, as it is not a pleasant thing. Then there was the cup of tea, in a filthy and cross-contaminated cup, the result of which was I spent all day yesterday vomiting so violently that I couldn't even keep water down for a long time. It was really not fun, we wound up calling NHS direct for advice as we were getting worried when I sip of water turned me in to a fountain. It cleared in the end, leaving me just a little tired and drained today.

Today was better, JP came round for a while and we played a game called Last Word. It involved cards with subjects and letters and you end up having to find words that start with the selected letter. Mad, but absolutely hilarious! My asthma was being its usual grumpy self, so I was a bit subdued really, but have been amusing myself with the antics of some l'Cie (FFXIII) and a bit of Dissidia.

Loves
Wendy xx 

Merry Christmas!

A short post for today, but I just wanted to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas and a happy, healthy and successful new year to come. It's been a better year this year and I have really learned the value of my friends and by extension and definition, my wonderful family who have been there to support me and give me strength. You are all awesome and I hope to see more of you in the next 12 months.

I also want to give thanks to everyone who has helped me overcome and learn to live with my condition, you have all given me a light at the end of the tunnel when I really believed all hope was gone. As well as my band-mates, Ant, Rich and Twitch who have boosted my confidence and made me no longer afraid to come out of my own home for fear of anything.

I am thankful for Penny and Becky who have been there to support me and advise when I felt scared or alone.

And lastly, I am thankful to Cat, Stacey, Nathaniel and JP, who have always been there for me with a smile and just a general chat.

Loves
Wendy x

A great night of music... followed by a not so fun night....

Last night's gig was a great laugh, even if we had our share of set-backs, although it was nothing on what happened to Labas! who had to endure 2 power cuts, a fire alarm and a few other things. However they like many other good showmen, (and women respectively) they managed to entertain and put on a show. The guys were awesome, and had such a laugh.

The other band that played last night was a band called "The Nightmare Circus" another great band and set of guys, I got talking to them after the show, they enjoyed our set, and we enjoyed theirs, so that is a definate plus. It is a great chance to find other local bands and set up a link, if you can network with enough people at a gig, it will practically guarantee that you will be asked to support again in the future. As for me, after the set, I was networking with as many different people, from bands, to audience members, and I was given some incredible opportunities, but as one of them is a secret from John to the rest of Labas! I will keep my gob shut for now.

We played well, other than a few slip-ups, a flying nebuliser and my puffers deciding that at the last song they REALLY didn't want to know, so after a few nebs and a rest, I decided that I needed to get my tight-laced corset off. After that, I enjoyed my night, talked with friends and was genuinely back to where I was 2 years ago, even with limitations.

Roll around to bedtime, the story was a little less than rosy. I was up until 5 this morning nebbing every 20 minutes and struggling to keep peak flow up past the 200 l/min mark. I probably should have gone in, but with the snow outside, and ambulances struggling as it is, I decided to persevere until morning and if no better call GP for guidance. Luckily around 5, things had calmed down enough so I could get some sleep, which really helped me recover a bit. That was until upstairs decided that it was appropriate to play their dance music at such a volume that everyone in the 16 - 24 flats around them could hear them and they were getting seriously annoyed. Next door originally thought it was us, until we showed him where it was coming from.

Unfortunately, the situation stands that I have had 4 hours sleep, and I have no idea what my peak flow is yet, not felt brave enough to have a go at it... if I need to neb more regularly than every hour today then I will have to go in, no questions asked.

I will take this chance here and now to wish you all a VERY Happy Christmas and a Safe, Prosperous New Year.

Stay Safe

Loves
Wendy x

Misunderstandings, Reconcilliation and Excitement.

Christmas is that time of year when you see so much of the negative aspects of human behavior. Greed, selfishness and ultimately families disintegrating, children screaming in shops and hitting other people. People shoving others out of the way. Fighting over tinsel and turkey. What I don't get is why people act like this these days.

When I was a kid, Christmas was a magical time of year and no matter what trouble we had in the year, it was all forgotten and the family would be together. Even the year of my parent's divorce, we all found a way of being together on Christmas day with the rest of the family. Christmas eve was always spent at my Nan Jordan's. Nan would make a huge spread and the rest of the family would drop in, we'd all exchange greetings and some gifts and around about 7, Nan would always put "The Snowman" on BBC. My brothers and I would all sit together, Stephen would be complaining about how he didn't want to watch it and then as soon as the opening piano theme of "Walking In The Air" began he would sit watching with the rest of us.

Christmas day would always begin with Stephen coming in to my room and waking me up, then when I was up, we would go to my parent's room and ask "Mum, Dad, can we get up?" and eventually we were allowed downstairs to see a huge heap of presents for us. One of my fonder memories would have been the year I got a Barbie Horse Trailer and Stephen got an Action Man Jeep. Dad had assembled the Jeep days before and wrapped the empty box. A bemused Stephen had to watch my Dad wheel in his ready built and set up Jeep. And HE LOVED IT! My Dad and I spent the morning assembling my Barbie Horse Trailer. He was good at things like that.

Another thing that made me laugh as a child was when our Labrador Cross, Judy found the Christmas Cake. I was only 4 at the time, but my mum found the poor dog swaying and staggering. My Mum had a habit at Christmas for putting lots of rum in the cake... Enough said really...

This is what Christmas should be about. Family and friends. Speaking of friends, I have manage to reconcile with an old friend recently so I am very happy about this.

Loves
Wendy x

Gig Tonight!

I am really looking forward to tonight, Omen Shadow are playing and it is going to be so much FUN! Am I nervous? Maybe a little, but I know it will pay off and will be a good night. As for today, I am pampering, and indulging myself so that when I go on stage, laced in and looking amazing, the lights start and the crowd get jumping, I can really adopt my own stage persona. Stage Wendy is fearless, energetic and most of all passionate.

So far my pink hair has gone down a treat and people have been really receptive to it. I think sometimes by changing something that at first seems small or trivial, you can really wash over with a new lease of life and I think thats what I was going for. I was getting sick of the frumpy and depressed look and wanted to show people what I look like, and I think I finally achieved it, I found ME again.

These last couple of days, I have been feeling a bit crap due to this and that, mainly I was getting frustrated that things were a bit pants really when it came to my chest. I am so desperate to go back to working and living what was a normal life for me and I think because of that, I forgot what was really important, accepting what is real now, and leaving my fantasy world where every illness has a cure and everything works out perfect for everyone. I was being idealistic and taking hope just that little bit too far and then getting depressed and miserable when things didn't work out that way, even though, I should have known really that it wouldn't. There is a difference in accepting your lot and being a defeatist, and I know that now.

So this morning, I woke up, took my peak flow and had a neb. I didn't feel like I had failed or like I was weak and pitiful. I saw myself as a strong and confident young lady who, yes goes through a lot, but goes forward and does what she needs to.

I also want to wish a friend of mine a rapid recovery and hope she gets free of the hospital in time for Christmas.

Loves
Wendy x

My new Look!!!!

OK, I can't wait to unveil my new look! First though, I really need to explain why it was needed in the 1st place. For the last year, frankly, I have looked so homely and unkempt, my hair was never brushed, the colour looked horrible, and my clothes were frankly, drab and screamed of depression. It wasn't that I never bathed or anything gross like that, I just never bothered with making myself look good, never saw the point as the only place I was headed was the hospital. I guess depression hit me harder than I ever let on, but I guess these things slip.

Today, after a long talk with Steve about how un-me I was feeling, in a baggy shirt and clothes that looked OK on me when I was fatter, I dug through some of my older clothes, and it was like finding old friends, they fit and looked great on me. I then decided to turn my attention to my long hair, after a good brushing, and deliberating, I decided that I'd like to dye it again. Before all of this, I was always dying my hair and dressing up nicely. The colours I would choose were wild and vibrant, purple with pink streaks, blue and black, purple, red, you name it really.

So, on my travels, I wandered in to Wilkos and got some candy pink hair dye, and when I got home, spent the best part of an hour applying it, and wrapping my head in tin foil (as funny as that looked), having a bath, getting dressed in some nice clothes and getting ready to go out as me.

I am happy to say that the pink has taken nicely and it looks similar to Vanille in FFXIII :D

Sincere Apolgies and an explanation...

I owe you all a real apology as to my absence for the last week or so. An error occured with the direct debit for our cable bill so we were cut off, until just today when we were finally able to settle it and get things back in time for Christmas. It has been a bit of a turbulent week, I must admit with my asthma kicking me around (Prednisolone is now up to 30mg, really am not happy about this at all) and all I have really done for the last few days is sleep, cry and try not to feel so pants really.

Redditch is covered with a thick blanket of 8 inches of snow and icicles hanging off the rooftops, looks very Christmassy and festive. And I decided on a new look for myself, I can't say much at the moment, but when I get some pictures, well I think a lot of people are going to be happy to see my old self coming back through.

As well as finally being ableto get everything back on track, I am happy about the fact that Omen Shadow are playing tomorrow night at the Queens Head in Redditch. This is going to be fun!

Loves

Wendy x

Halfway through Advent...

The Christmas season is well and truly upon us. I am really looking forward to it, especially as we're spending it as a couple this year, rather than last years wash out. Christmas at Steve's dad's, food poisoning, severe bacterial infection of my lungs resulting in pneumonia and a horrible whiplash injury from a car incident that was from an idiot creeping over a roundabout in the ice so that he could gawk at an accident that happened. Add in arguements about money, painkillers and anything else that happened. It was horrid.

I have already had the best Christmas present I could have received. No, it wasn't a material thing. It was something more poignant. We managed to break the cycle of negative mentality in Steve. Working out the use of mind control so that he persistently continued with negative and unpleasant behaviors. Since starting the Sertraline, its like I have my Steve back and its such a good thing. Yes there was the unpleasant side effect of panic attacks to start with but when you have been stuck in one attitude for a long time, I guess its hard to stop straight away and not feel a bit confused.

In myself, I feel better as I have been able to return to my old love of writing. I may never make millions with it, but it is such a relaxing way of spending my time. I spend most of my time in Midgar musing and cooking up my stories, but there we go. I would love to get some of my work published and share my writing with everyone who wants to read. I have an imagination that can make a scene come alive in my head, and it really keeps me happy.

loves,
Wendy x

How it feels to be alive...

I realised the strangest thing on Thursday night, and it only took me till now to work out how I really felt about it. It was the first time in a while (last time was when I broke my hand, not a wise thing to do but I was angry and it was punch the door or someone else), that the band played at Top Banana. Usually we practice at Rich's place, of course with his parent's kind permission and Rich's own wonderful hospitality, and it is such a good laugh and we have fun, but it felt amazing to play at a proper studio and on a live kit.

It gave the songs this amazing new lease of life and when we flew in to my particular favourite, "The Call To Arms" I was completely pumped and bounced around and danced, until I became light headed and nearly passed out. I went home from practice sore, but so so SO happy that I just couldn't stop grinning, even though my lungs were screaming.

I have always enjoyed playing in bands. Way back I used to sing in a band that myself and my then boyfriend Mike had started called Sleepy Down. The room we were in last night was the one that we usually used for those practices. I remembered so well the days, nights and the rest of it that we dedicated to writing our songs and getting ready for the 3 gigs we did. I could almost see myself at 17, 18 or even 19 years old, sitting with my notebook writing lyrics or bounding over to the mic to concoct some kind of melody. I missed that plucky young girl and it was nice to get back in touch with her again. I almost felt as though I was 18 years old again and bouncing around madly, just using a blue inhaler and not worrying about the scarring in my lungs as it hadn't been created yet.

I guess this whole playing in a band experience, and singing in another band with JP, have both helped bring me back to who I was and who I should be, and I like that as it is such a positive feeling and I can't help but smile and laugh because everything feels 10 times easier and even though my body is physically crap at the moment, I know I will get there and overcome things. I took advantage of what I used to have and who I used to be and that left me with nothing when all that went away. I won't ever do that again and I will appreciate every day that little bit more and be thankful for every day I can go without using my nebuliser or calling for an ambulance.

My brother Richard and his partner Gemma have had a baby this week and this made me smile like a Cheshire cat! Baby Lincoln was born on the 9th December 2010 and I am happy to say that both mother and baby are doing well!

Loves
Wendy x

Things bugging me...

Ever have one of those days where there is just so many things bugging you that you can't seem to just have quiet serenity? I think today is one of those days. I spend so much time taking the step back from my problems and looking at them from another perspective that I forget to take the step forward. As a result, I forget that the thing I was looking at was actually the reality of my own life, and its like a bubble bursts and all I can see is the cold reality of what my life is and that leaves me feeling blue and longing for my old life.

My old life was a lot more positive and comfortable and my body wasn't slowly falling apart from under me. I used to be able to walk for miles and not have to think about inhalers, nebulisers or a cocktail of pills that keep me going. I guess thats why I started getting annoyed with Steve telling everyone and anyone about his 50mg of Sertraline and shouting about it in public. These things aren't a novelty, they are real things and they have real effects on you. I take the same drug, and I have 3 times that and I don't complain about it or boast as NO ONE CARES. Maybe what rattled my cage is the fact he was on about having 1 pill a day, when I have a whole mess of pills and other things, call me silly, but I thought that was a little insensitive and tactless, but that could be just me.

I guess I never wanted to see what was happening to me as its not pretty nor is it fun. It makes me wonder why someone would want to be exactly in my shoes?

Loves
Wendy x

LOOOOWWWWWW...

This was out of the blue, but I have always been advised to keep an eye on how my body behaves, things like Peak Flow, Temperature and now Blood Pressure. This came from the nurse measuring it when I went for my blood tests to find it was really low. It has ALWAYS been low, but she seemed a little worried so I decided to humor her. So I brought a Wrist Blood Pressure Monitor. A strange gadget really that takes an accurate reading of blood pressure at home.

I got home and had a rest for a while, after sorting out a million and one things in one day, well not literally, but when you've been up since about 8 and have only really gotten to settle down and chill out round about now. It has been MAD!

First things first it was payday... This is a sure-fire way to stress, tears and a downswing that lasts for days and a guilt cycle if I spend my share that little bit wiser. So I was already on edge on this one so I just did what I usually do, focus on the first task ahead and get moving.

The first task was an appointment with Dr Pike. It started with some excellent news that other than a slight raise to my cholesterol (and I mean it was abnormal by 0.1 mmol/L) but as my weight loss has been excellent just lately we don't think this will be an issue and when we repeat all my tests in 3 months time (monitoring how my body is working) it will be reduced and a LOT better. The main thing we were worried about was my blood glucose levels. People being treated with anti-psychotics and steroids (amongst other things) can develop diabetes as a result. We wanted to check this out and make sure that this wouldn't be an issue, and it was GREAT news, my blood glucose levels were perfect!! I was so happy about this.

We then went over my recent A & E trip and make sure that all of the muck was clearing off my chest and I am on the road to recovery. More good news is that this is all clearing up and I am starting to feel a lot better. A good listen and it sounds like its all going well other than a mild flu bug that has been going round congesting my nose and making me feel a bit deflated and tired. I am dancing as this is all FANTASTIC news and after the last week, this was just what I needed a clean bill of health for once. We renewed my sick note, although my infection is going away and all is good there, my asthma is STILL on a mission to wind me up, Dr Pike advised me to keep up with my nebs and inhalers, and I really was looking better than I had in a while. Since having my neb at home, things have been so much better. I can get on top of things before they get so bad that I need to go in to hospital, which is as reassuring as it is a boost to my morale.

Yet again, I digress, I then went to collect my prescription, we had to be back at the Doctor's for about 11:40 anyway as Steve had an appointment to see Dr Pike, but we had about 2 hours to kill. We decided that we would go and get our household things, take those home with us and then head on home for a bit. We did this and chilled out for a good while, a nice drink, before heading off to take in my sick note to the Job Centre, post off a few other forms and what have you.

Then for once it was my turn to be in the chaperone's chair. It felt a little surreal, I will admit that and I helped Steve explain what was wrong, after a good chat with the student doctor Sara, and another chat with Dr Pike, it was decided that Steve had a depressive illness. I had expected that to be quite honest. He's been started on some tablets and by the looks of things, I think he'll be OK. So that went well.

The last big job today was food shopping. How mad are supermarkets this time of year!! We also got our decorations for Christmas up and the flat looks WOW! This time last year, everything was so depressing and the only things we had were the cast offs Steve's dad didn't want. Our money was really messed up and we had nothing. Between us, we were so miserable and I was always getting sick. I can honestly say that was a low point where I made the promise that this year would be 100% better than last year. I NEVER wanted to have that sort of low ever again and the admission to hospital on boxing day really was the icing on the shit-cake, but that is another story.

So after a mad day, I managed to take a resting blood pressure reading... 96 / 58 with a pulse of 100, I had to laugh, after a mad stressful day I really expected it to be something ridiculously high!

Love ya muchly!
Wendy x

Feeling off...

I guess by now, I would have really expected to have been feeling loads better by now and my asthma wouldn't be anywhere near as twitchy or a pain in the neck. I am feeling a bit better I will admit but its not as far along as I would have wanted to be. My Peak Flow has barely been over 250 l/min after a nebuliser and even as low as 90 l/min before hand. So you can imagine my frustration as I keep up with my regimen of pills, nebulisers and inhalers.

I'm barely eating much at the moment and all I seem to want to do is play on Sims 2, sleep and sew. The problem is, at the moment all of these seem to leave me shattered and even the smallest movements leave me gasping for breath. I can't lie on my left side at all right now or I can't breathe at all and am coughing up thick green mucus which I get the feeling that if it weren't for the saline, I wouldn't shift at all. I have my appointment with Dr Pike tomorrow so hopefully we can make a decision on this one as the fluid hasn't budged by itself yet, although it probably won't until the infection clears up. The kicker, this is the same infection I have been fighting since last month, but each course has just backed it down and its flared right back up again. I have had this before and it nearly resulted in an ITU admission which I really don't wish to be facing again.

I guess what this is, is a general answer to all those who are ask me how I feel right now, its so complex and its a nightmare to keep saying it over and over again when even typing 1 or 2 words make me feel shattered. I know its stark and I haven't pulled any punches, frankly, I find that pulling punches on this one would be for the good of no-one. I can't lie, I am still not well, and it is an up hill thing. One thing is for certain, I WILL GET THROUGH THIS. I always do.

*EDIT*
Went to see housing officer about the excessive noise problem which has made life miserable for myself and Steve, and he is going to investigate and take action against them and what they have been doing. On the downside, going out in the freezing cold and ice has left me decidedly worse for wear. Luckily I have an appointment tomorrow with Dr Pike, unfortunately means if I get worse, I have to either hold on for dear life or go to hospital. Whew!

Much Love
Wendy xx

Ooops!!

I realise I forgot to post yesterday, I do apologize, I have was preoccupied with The Sims 2, and other things that were keeping my attention, something that just lately has been something of a rarity so keeping me amused by making Final Fantasy characters in the Sims 2 and engineering complex and sometimes very funny love triangles between them (it is a bit like a Soap Opera, but without the corny acting) and seeing how that works out. OK, throwing Lightning (FF XIII) and Sephiroth (FF VII) together was quite funny and also very sweet.

Nathaniel came to visit me yesterday which was very nice, bringing me a few things and sticking on a film for us all to watch together. I forgot how much I liked Final Fantasy : The Spirits Within, although the graphics really did get me thinking of the ones used in Advent Children. The fact that at first I almost thought that it was live-action rather than CGI really does say something about the quality of the Havoc Engine that they used. I am a sucker for technology really, always have been and probably always will be, it keeps me occupied and makes me smile in an odd sort of way.

I recently took apart a DS Lite that had had tea spilled all inside of it to see if we could get it working again, unfortunately we found out that the tea had dissolved some of the components and it was never going to work again. I was gutted, yes, but soon, I will get myself a new DS to keep me amused for a while. I guess I am always after the next distraction and amusement. But, that is just me being me really. OK I was really proud of myself yesterday, I taught myself how to mount .iso and .uif files using Magic ISO and Magic Disc (Virtual CD Drives, a LIFE SAVER as I downloaded all of the expansion and stuff packs for the Sims 2, only having Bon Voyage and Free Time at the moment, this just seemed like a good idea as it will keep me quiet for hours, plus downloading mods and hacks... VERY happy ^_^).

Loves
Wendy x

I need more DVD storage...

I have WAY too many DVD's these days. The weird thing is, I actually spend most of my time watching them and relaxing. It's a way of occupying myself and helping to distract me from the things that concern me. Or escaping when I'm in pain. I spend a lot of time in pain these days, but I think it's keeping it all in perspective that helps me stay grounded. Makes me think though, about what my favourite films are and why.

I guess the earliest film I loved was "Little Shop of Horrors". I used to watch that way back when I was a little tot. Singing along to all the songs and loving the character of Audrye. A funny memory of this was when I was about 4 or 5, I cant remember exactly, but I had this curiosity involving the flap of our video player. I used to like ejecting videos and trying to stick my finger in and pull it out again. Don't ask me why, I was a strange little kid really. I will admit this right now, but I digress, one day this backfired and I got my finger trapped in the player. That really hurt and I did what a little kid does and screamed my head off. I can't remember what happened next but I know my nail did come off after a few days.

As I got older, I used to like watching films with my older brothers. I was the only girl and I often felt left out because of this, but I used to like watching "Transformers The Movie" with my oldest brother, Richard. Yes it  was cheaply animated and cheesy as hell, but it holds some very fond memories and the fact that Stan Bush's "You've Got The Touch" still makes me grin like a mad woman has to stand for something.

In the late 1990's, I would say either '95 or '96, I fell in love with a Disney film, "The Lion King" and I remember my favourite character was Scar, around this time, I started talking to an imaginary friend, who was a lion called Scar and my usual companions in the car would have been "Biker Mice From Mars" another cartoon that I have rediscovered from my youth. I got a Vinnie and his bike for my birthday when I was 7. I remember this because my mum and nan had both brought me these. Instead, my nan gave me a Gymnast Barbie. I got the rest of the "Biker Mice" and their respective bikes that Christmas. I found a toy of Scar in the Disney Store in the Florida Mall and I had to have him!

My final favourite film that I feel is worth a mention would be "Final Fantasy VII : Advent Children". As I have said before, FFVII has been a part of my life for many years, but in 2005 when the feature length film came out, I was hooked and in love. Seeing the new 2009 cut recently, this is going to be a favourite for many years to come.

Having got all the films I love recently on DVD, I had some of them, now I have them ALL, it really got me thinking about how watching things that we used to enjoy as a child really brings back those warm, happy memories. I think this is important, especially when you have few happy childhood memories or when you have a very uncomfortable present and you just need to distract yourself. Plus taking part in a protest on Facebook for the NSPCC (changing profile pics to cartoon characters) really made me think about this and about the way certain things and films make us feel and it is a reflective thing really. Instead of my general ranting just lately, I guess this week has been very frustrating and my home environment wasn't a healing one, but C'est La Vie.

Loves
Wendy x

Update...

Well it seems Steve managed to suck it up and stop acting like a spoiled child. For this I am glad. Upstairs however, decided to have one of their mad dance parties that they have on a regular basis. So this means EXCESSIVELY loud music and what sounds like hippos playing musical chairs and falling over themselves. This usually goes on until 2-3 AM. Not a palatable prospect when you have to rest to clear your chest off and get rid of fluid.

All I want to do is sleep and be out of pain, is that really too much to ask for, really?

It looks like there is another flat that needs a noise abatement order as this is completely unfair and they know of the situation, heck they were watching me go in to the ambulance from their balcony so really they should have used common sense. If someone has been in hospital around you, it is only courtesy to keep the noise down so that they recover. Or am I just being an idealist here? Someone please tell me I am DYING to know so I can adjust my attitude as needed.

I really need sleep. I am becoming tearful and overtired and its really starting to affect my judgment and making me 100% more irrational, so I keep getting wound up, but unfortunately my neighbors REFUSE to let me get some sleep. I hope they read this and realise that they are starting to make my health suffer and my piece of mind is rapidly ebbing away.

At least I have managed to cough a bit, not shifted anything but its a start. It really is exhausting when I cough and it hurts a lot. I am so tired that eating is like an Olympic event and nebbing has become a 4 hourly ritual. Fun. The very good news is my temp is down from 40.6 to 37.5 so thats a start in itself. I will get through this.

Loves
Wendy x

Waking up, the morning after the night before...

Last night was probably the icing on the shit-cake that was the last week. If I had ever cried that much over something, I'll be surprised. I was tired, in pain and just wanted to sleep. Steve was in one all day yesterday, and when I found out what it was that made him stress me out like that, I couldn't have him near me for a while so I asked him to leave, followed with verbal abuse and being told that I was uncaring (OK for someone who didn't care, I managed to sob myself in to more pain). Then I got when I needed, remorse. True remorse from someone who never realised what they were doing until it got to that point.

The good news is we talked and decided to carry on together, but we are no longer engaged. We got engaged way too quickly and it really was a bad idea for me to enter this. I was dumb, and I followed my heart too far, ignoring my head.

I slept OK in the end, but had a searing headache behind my temples, to contend with the pain in my sides and chest because my lungs have fluid inside them. This is a very unpleasant prospect and its hard because its left me exhausted and I just want to fall asleep and stay there for a while and being comfortable and content. I get sick of pain sometimes I think, even if I pretend that it's OK and I'm surviving, but right now I am so weak, I can't even get the strength to cough and shift what it is thats in there. So right now I am having a neb of saline solution and getting what rest is permissible. Next door has woken me up once or twice today and its left me somewhat cranky and tired.

Here's hoping really, for the comfortable rest and shifting this myself, or I will have to face the alternative, having it drained off for me. I really don't want this as it is painful and would mean a long stay in hospital. Just before Christmas as well.

Much Love
Wendy x

Back Home...

After days of threatening and feeling 100% awful, I have finally had my big attack and am now back home and on the mend. Turns out what was making me so unwell was an infection that wasn't as we thought it was, in my bronchial tubes, but in my lungs causing an accumulation of fluid and other nasties.

So its a steady 7 days of Pred, Tramadol and Co-Amoxiclav as well as my usual cocktail of meds to see me back on my feet.

Loves
Wendy x

Stroppy lungs...

I really wish sometimes that things could, I don't know, go my way a little bit. I am getting increasingly more breathless as the week rolls on and there is that part of me that hopes I can go acute soon so I can go to the hospital without being turned away as soon as I get there. The problem with acute hospitals, people who are ill, but can't get in to doctor's as it is WAY too busy with old dears wanting antibiotics for the common cold or other minor problems which are usually self care (these are my GP's own words not mine, I just agree with him), can go, get treated and the care they need. Other than waiting at home for things to become bad enough to get to hospital and get diagnosed and treated properly. I am in that limbo inbetween this. Heres hoping soon somethings going to happen and I can get sorted before this gets to the point where I nearly die, again.

Enough about that rant I think or I would be here all day and probably most of tomorrow. Which will leave everyone exactly where we are in a situation where they cannot be happy. It is so snowy here and as cold as it is, I think its really pretty to look at. I am hoping for a white Christmas this year, but instead of dust (spending Christmas at Steve's dad's place landed me in such a state I spent January in a serious condition), I hope it will be snow. Of course allowing myself and a friend of mine to meet towards the end of the month, I am really looking forward to meeting her as she is AWESOME and has shown me how strong an individual can be in the face of adversity. She knows who she is and how amazing I think she is, I tell her every day.

A bit concerned about Steve's general attitude just lately, he has been snapping at me pretty much constantly, which makes me wonder if I did anything wrong here. Or if he is just getting fed up of the guy next door and his music, which is still going on, but we are starting the process of noise abatement, however long that takes. I don't know, I have never been in that sort of position before as my neighbors have usually been nice and understanding people. I guess when it comes to Steve, he'll either tell me why he's snapping at me constantly or he won't, but I really do need him to stop it as none of this is actually my fault and snapping at me isn't going to help any of this at all.

My head feels so fuzzy and I am having trouble staying awake because struggling this much is absolutely exhausting so I am going to leave you all now and maybe have a sleep and recover my strength a little. I will update later, or get Steve to, depending on what happens.

Loves
Wendy x

Guilty confession...

I had a band practice today, it went really well, as normal really, but we still don't know what is supposed to be happening on Monday. Are we playing the gig at Subside or aren't we? My guilty confession here is that I kind of hope we don't, my health playing up as it is and it would look awful if I were to go in to acute respiratory distress on stage in front of a live audience. Not an idea I would like to entertain.

Redditch is under a blanket of snow and it is absolutely freezing out there, and if an ambulance had to come up here, I can just imagine the trouble and really am going to hang on until there really is no other option. I can't see things getting much worse, but I have a habit for speaking too soon and being proven completely wrong.

After band practice, I completed Crisis Core again. I love that game and the end makes me cry, however as someone I know is playing at the moment I will not post spoilers here, but now I can start in hard mode and see how bad I fail this. I had to use my guidebook earlier on one bit as I get a bit lost in the area and marked on the map where it was I needed to go. I got there in the end and did the last fight with no problems.

I have started assembling my Another Day In Midgar portfolio, with all my print and illustration work in one place and its nice to look through and fills me with pride as I look through at a selection of pencil illustrations and Photoshop work. All of it is inspired by, or even inspires, what I love writing in my spare time, something I have an awful lot of right now. ADIM really gives me hope and a distraction when I have bad days or I just generally feel crappy about myself or everything around me. Then again, exploring Sephiroth's life before he went mad was something I used to do when I was a kid and needed an escape at home. I would fill notebooks (I wish I had some of these still) which I would hide away with ideas and stories and other ideas I had. I never showed these to anyone nor did I tell anyone about my own little world and that made me feel safe. I had my little world, a cave I could hide in and a friend who could protect me from everything. Even if this was just in my imagination.

I guess why the character still holds his own place in my life and the models I collect are so precious to me, Sephiroth was my hero. In some ways he still is and I am thankful that he was created and then Stephen showed me the game where he found his fame. I guess this is one of my more intimate thoughts and something that I never shared with anyone really. Not even with my friends or family. I was always scared that people would reject me or take this special thing I had away from me. Or even tried to take my special hero away.

Loves
Wendy x