Giving Myself Time...

After this last week, I think I have been really all over the place. I mean, well there was the fear of the riots, the uncertainty of another situation which still isn't getting anywhere near to being resolved and we don't actually know the next step for that particular problem. I guess the attack on Friday night was kind of that last straw really and it was a reminder that the last few years did happen and I now have to pay the price for so many other people making so many mistakes over that period of time, mostly because no one really knew what they could do to help me or their hands were tied because they didn't understand the true extent of the housing problem and what that was doing to my health. Flippant excuses and complacent attitudes. Snap judgements on me and my conditions and people making their own decisions on what was happening rather than actually bothering to find out the real reasons behind it all.

I guess there has been a lot of judgements made on so many people recently and so few of them are made by informed people. It is easy to assume that what may have been true a few years ago has to still be true, regardless of the vast changes in circumstances, medications and my general state of health in the whole sense of the word. Heck, I found out things about my health recently that I had no idea about myself until recently, such as the weakness of my 12th thoracic vertebrae which was caused by what recent scans had shown an old crack in the bone from when I was a kid. How that had gone undetected for so long we don't know, but my specialist informed me that it was quite a common thing, and was probably one of the reasons as to why my osteoporosis is particularly worse in my back. I have had problems with this for a long time and along with the slipped disc, it was good to finally ascertain a definite diagnosis rather than walking around waiting to become unable to do anything because of it.

I think thats been the focal point of the last year or so was to get the correct diagnoses of all the problems and maybe even find out what can be done to sort it. Where as for the most part, people have been supportive and have helped me through a lot of things. Given me support and helping with getting me back on my feet. There has been a small number of people (and you know full well who you are and before you even start Steven this has absolutely NOTHING to do with you) who have made judgements on me and not actually bothered to find out what was really going on, and those people I have lost a lot, if not all of my respect for them. It doesn't help that one or two of these people ought to have known better in the first place, but because of their own self righteousness have been reluctant to look at the situation objectively and have said some hurtful and spiteful things as a result. Not that it was ANY of their business to begin with.

These people I have no time for.

It is worrying that some people can be that petty and make those kinds of judgements, especially when they are mere acquaintances and do not know me as well as they think they do. It would be honest to say that I am not the easiest person to actually know and there are only a few people who really do know me, and not the idealised person or the bogeywoman that they would like to see.

So I have been giving myself some time to process and re-evaluate the relationships in my life and work out who is, and more importantly, who isn't worth a second of my time. Sort of cutting the fat as it were so that I can concentrate on pleasing myself and the people who do matter, rather than being the scapegoat or martyr to other people's selfish motives. I am not that person who needs rescuing anymore. I haven't been for a long time. I refuse to be the victim of other people and I am stronger than the people (who again, know who they are (and NO Steven this is NOT about you)) could ever be in their lives and when they finally realise this, it will be way too late and by that time they will have no chance in ever sharing anything in my life and that would be their loss.

This week I have realised that I have a lot of strength and courage. I am independent enough to get the help I need when I need it and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have people who do genuinely give 2 shits about me and do genuinely want to help me as best they can. I am thankful to these people and without them supporting me and me supporting them, we wouldn't be the kind of disjointed family that we are and that is what really matters to me.

To those people, go ahead. Say your worst about me, but I will refuse to bend to your will  nor will I be broken by the words you are so quick to throw at someone before thinking or realising that in your paranoid little minds the concocted slights you are jumping up and down over are all in your head. I would suggest thinking before accusing people of things unjustly or making decisions on a mere acquaintance that in all honesty you barely know. I have been mulling over what I wanted to say for a couple of weeks now and I have finally decided that my usual tactful approach is no longer deserved by you.

To the rest of the people who read this, I thank you. I thank you for your kind words, your support and listening to me, even when I am in a gripe about something. To know I am at least helping people not feel alone or even entertaining someone means more than you will ever know.

Loves
Wendy xx

Broken Streak...

It is a bit of a kick in the teeth I will say, but I did break my longest streak in a while for weeks out of hospital. It had been 12 weeks since the last time I was in and I thought that was brilliant, but sadly due to some kind of nasty pneumonia I was in again yesterday. It had been a while and things didn't feel like the end of the world and I didn't feel anywhere near as down as I would have normally when I was in there every other week because of my asthma and living with someone who made me feel stressed, but the way I see it, these things happen and my lungs will do as they please until it happens again no doubt.

But I suppose there are positives I can take from this. The first is of course it had been a long time since my last one, maybe I can go longer next time? I can cope with this on my own now and the prospect of a 999 call on my own is nowhere near as daunting as it seemed to be when someone else made it. In fact it was incredibly easy and I didn't have to answer a million and one questions which was something I will admit I was dreading, but right away the woman on the other end of the line knew straight away that I had breathing trouble and she talked me through the whole thing. There is also the knowledge that I have the courage to make that call and judge for myself when things just are too much to cope with and the last one, I have a boyfriend who will move heaven and earth to be there when he can. Even if that means travelling from his house in Birmingham to the Alex in Redditch.

All in all, I was very well looked after and even the nurses commented how calm and relaxed I was which made triage a lot easier and meant that I could see a doctor a lot quicker, whereas before I was usually so panicked about interrupting someone else's day and what the next few days were going to be like. Because I wasn't hyperventilating through pure terror, it was easier to get accurate readings of basic obs and I was seen within the hour of arrival.

As soon as the doctor came, he knew straight away that I was definitely having an asthma attack and it was more than likely being made worse by another pneumonia episode and decided right away that the best thing to do was give me more oxygen, more nebs (I think I ended up having 3 or 4 in the end so I was vibrating!) 40mg stat dose of Pred (oooh joy) and some IV magnesium which has become a bit of a staple for my acute episodes now. It worked and just as I was returning from having a rather mucky chest X Ray taken as Tom found me, looking a lot better than I had in days so at least this wasn't a completely wasted effort, not that all the drugs I needed pointed to that anyway.

Thanks to Tom, I was allowed to convalesce at home rather than in the hospital which helps enormously especially when I feel so groggy that all I want to do is sleep and have some peace and quiet. Today I had the enormous pleasure of meeting Tom's mother, Jean. I was happy to finally meet her and be able to put a face to a name and it was nice that we got on really well. I had been a bit nervous, but that is a normal thing when I meet new people. I tend to be a bit nervous and worry that I make a terrible first impression. I need not have worried however.

Now my next step forward is a nap, maybe a game and taking it easy until Monday when I see both Lee and Sarah from the Social Services team in order to set up my home care package and ensure that there is always someone around when I need them so I am not in that situation again. That and there are about 6 new Final Fantasy at home (3 are with me at present 2 are PSP and one is Xbox 360) so there is enough to keep me occupied and I WILL finish and add pictures to the blog I was writing about all of my collection. I am just waiting until it has all arrived and then I can set pieces up, clean what I need to clean and get the whole thing looking a thing of beauty. Although I did find a picture from 2 years ago of my collection and it was so tiny, I had to laugh!! So I will leave you with that and catch up later.

Loves
Wendy xx

The Recent Rioting...

Not to jump on the bandwagon or stick my nose in where its not really wanted, but I guess I wanted to speak my mind a little about the recent rioting in London, Manchester and Birmingham. OK so the London riots were a result of an innocent man being killed in some rather uncertain circumstances and I can understand the anger that the people feel. What I don't understand is why people in other parts of the country feel it is right or even appropriate and justified to cause unrest in what is being told to be "Copy- Cat" rioting.

In Birmingham, which is a 30 minute train ride from here, the cause of the rioting was stated as poverty. Now call me daft, but I honestly thought that "Poverty" in a community meant that the local people have very little and are just surviving on the "breadline" and that they can only afford very simple ways of life. Now I bring this up because these "Impoverished" people are causing riots and spreading the word with their £300 + mobile phone and or their Blackberry, while wearing the latest designer sports gear which in itself some pieces cost up to and over £100 each. Not what you would expect from people who clam to be "barely getting by."

I believe that this current situation has been caused by an upsurge of greed. I abhor those who act on greed as their main reason to attack society or other people. It is an unworthy cause for anyone to pursue. The Buddhist teachings are that wanting and desire will only create suffering. Whether that is the suffering of the people who have been hurt or the suffering of society who inevitably have to pick up the pieces after a group of ignorant and greedy people destroy the local area and local community. I guess it isn't just the material that is being destroyed, it is the lives of those who own the shops, the people in the community who don't join in with such vulgar practices and the families of the rioters who have to deal with watching their loved one being severely punished by the legal system because of what they have done.

It is safe to say that all of this that has happened has really benefited nobody. It hasn't brought back the person who sadly lost his life and it hasn't made the blindest bit of difference to the legal system who they are protesting against or tearing down the wall of poverty that does effect a lot of people in the inner city areas. But I notice that none of them bought in to any of this in the first place.

For myself, the riots have been a cause of distress as I have been worried about my friends, family and of course even the safety of my animals and my home. Luckily though everyone and everything I hold dear and the way of life which is what I have come to know has managed to continue to be preserved and no-one close to me has come to any harm.

Loves
Wendy xx

Knowing...

I love it when you wake up and you KNOW its going to be a nice day and there are going to be many things that make you want to grin like a drunken Cheshire Cat. I know it's corny but I get that a lot when I am with Tom. Tom is my best friend and the person who I want to spend the rest of my life with. I know it's still early days, but I have this gut feeling that this one is for keeps.

When it comes to boyfriends, I think its a first that I felt that instant connection, you know. Where everything is just...right and there's no behaviours or anything that he does that annoys me or makes me feel unhappy. I guess for the first time in a long time, I have actually felt SAFE enough to let my asthma be itself, not having to hide it on threat of violent outbursts or having it made worse by stress, anxiety or anything else. For the first time in years I have been able to have my good days and my bad days are nowhere near as frightening or unpleasant, not now that I have some real support and care.

On top of that, I have been allocated a personal budget by the local Social Services. This is a grant of £75 a week that will be spent by them on at any care at home, help with cleaning or even just someone to help me make myself a meal on those really horrid days when I can't even muster the strength to get out of bed, let alone stand and cook a pack of instant noodles. It can be that hard and without the right balance of meds, it can be impossible to keep myself going or deal with the level of pain, from my chest itself as well as my slipped disc in my back putting pressure on the tiny curvature and the nerves in my lower body. The nerve pain is probably the most distracting at times because I can lose sensation in parts of my body and on my right leg, can't really feel anything above the knee on either side. The doctor actually showed me this by poking me with a needle as hard as she could in those areas and I didn't flinch or move away.

I knew the results of the tests I had previously before I even had them. My gut instinct has always been instrumental in knowing what a problem is, and then I can be ready to start any treatment, no matter how unpleasant or embarrassing it can be. It does make me feel angry however when I see people pretending or actually feeling jealous of people who are sicker than they are. People who WANT to be disabled make me sick frankly and it is because of them, and people who think that they know it all about something, that make it hard for people who are unsure of how to get help, or just don't have the confidence to get the help or support they need.

Loves
Wendy xx

Cutting The Cord...

I had wanted to replace my old phone for a while. I loved it but my old Tocco had long since stopped working properly (probably the result of frenzied throwing it at someone who had really REALLY annoyed me, but that's not the point), Yesterday we took yet another step towards my independence from my last relationship. A new phone and of course a new number. It felt like the right time to replace it now.

My new phone is a rather nice Sony Ericsson Xperia. And unlike most new mobile phones I have had, I haven't had the usual amount of teething problems I used to have. Even when I changed from one Samsung to another there was an element of uncertainty and having to get used to it. Even getting used to that particular touch screen was awkward at first. It used to have a quirk, I would try touching it a few times, heck there were times I was nearly smacking the thing to get it to work properly.

But it was an early smart phone to give it it's due. Although "Smart" was pushing it really. It wasn't very smart at times, but I was able to use Facebook or Twitter so I guess that was something.

Now comes the next few weeks and maybe even another step towards getting my life and independence back. I feel like I am coming out of a box, after years of being held in there with something tied around my waist to stop me from running away, or trying to fight back, as my circumstances felt as though they were closing around me. I felt lost and I was in some ways afraid, the light outside my box hurt my eyes and burned my skin (it took me a while before I was comfortable outside on my own again) and I was afraid of everyone and everything. I became known as "that nervous girl" or "the girl with the scars" by people outside of the house and that made me feel worse about myself.

Soon I was able to make myself go outside, to that scary place that was full of those scary creatures and I was feeling alone and scared. I became this timid and nervous recluse. I know, the girl who was ALWAYS going out and getting ever so delightfully sloshed and having just an awesome time while I'm at it. I wound up trapped and unable to escape, from the way I felt or the person who was making me feel the worst I ever could about pretty much ANYTHING and guilty about things that were so far out of my control. I was hurting from loss, I was hurting from being lonely and I felt trapped or that the only person I could trust was the one that was hurting me the most. I am not saying any of this to be bitchy or dig up anything. To be honest, there is nothing to gain by pestering the ghosts of my past and with hope soon they will die away in to the background and I will no longer feel haunted or followed by any part of the past. I only say what I am saying as a comparrisson to how far I have come, in myself.

Its nice, its been nearly 3 months since my last hospital admission and I haven't missed it at all. I like that now I can manage my asthma with the use of just my nebs and any extra steroids when I need them. OK so I do need to use my nebuliser once or twice a day, but thats better than what it used to be, I was using my neb every few hours just to be able to cope with my breathing for just a little longer. That was my daily life back then. Now its amazing, I can kind of have my life back, and I am grateful for it every day.

I would say now to anyone else who was in a similar situation to me:
Get out! That person isn't the one you need. You need to escape and you need to be the strong person you are to build yourself back up and get your life back. No escape is impossible, but yes it can be hard, yes it can hurt and be a long way up to where you used to be.

Loves
Wendy xx

Weird Habits...

Everyone has them don't they. My weirdest habit is that I will make myself a hot drink and then before leaving the kitchen, I will down a pint of cold water. I don't know why I do that. I always have. But it is only when I am at home or I have made the drink myself, and not when anyone else makes one. And it always has to be a pint of water, not juice or anything like that, just water. Maybe its a habit I learned back when I used to starve myself so that I would never want to eat as my stomach would always be full of water.

Another of my weird habits is that I will have to have a specific ritual before falling asleep on my own. I never did like sleeping by myself. I always like having someone or something that I can cuddle as I sleep. Or that weird thing I do when I wake up, or falling asleep mid-sentence.

I don't know why I wrote this, but it kind of occured to me and I thought it made for interesting reading.

Loves
Wendy xx

Learning To Live...

Over the last week or so, a lot of things have reminded me of the incredible thing that I have come to know. I live. Not just exist. Its been a heck of a journey over this year, and so much has changed, improved and some things that even got worse before they got better, but over all its been interesting so far and there is still a heck of a way to go until I get to the end of the journey.

My mind skips back to just 12 months ago. I was at the stage where I only went out when I had to. At the time I was at some New Deal course with the Job Centre, that was a piece of crap to say the least, I mean 2 days a week sitting in this stuffy room with no ventilation, barely able to breathe and not allowed to use my neb without asking health and safety if it was OK, and then having to walk to Sainsburys so I was "Off Site". Then I was getting home to a household where I was no more a part of it than the paper on the walls. I hated it at the YMCA and wanted to leave all the time. I mean it really was the right set for the macabre play that was my relationship at that time. But I really stand by it when I say that I needed to have that dip in my life to really enjoy the wonders that have been coming.

Tom and I are very happy together, sharing in each others dreams and hopes. We just work well together and well, we are really happy. Even if we do spend the afternoon just watching TV or gaming, we are just happy to be with each other and thats what a really what a relationship should be about, a couple who enjoy just being WITH each other rather than having to do fantastic and crazy things just to have something to talk about. I love that about being with Tom, we can just sit and cuddle and thats just what we do. He respects me and loves me unconditionally and I love him for every wonderous thing about him and I really love being with him and just doing what we do.

When you find someone like that, you really do have to take the bull by the horns. Take this amazing love, make it real and then cherish it. Love seldom comes around more than once in a lifetime, so when you find that real and pure thing you have to hold it precious to your heart. And the friends you cherish, hold them close and never let them go.

Loves
Wendy xx