Safety and Smiles.

I've embarked on another course of psychotherapy. It's been really tough these last few weeks (and months) and I'm still struggling to get my head around everything. I've not exactly had an easy ride and it's no surprise that I've been closer to breaking point than I've let on sometimes. Actually at its darkest, the thoughts of doing something awful has been harrowing at times and sometimes it's been difficult to explain or figure out what to do.

It's interesting to understand myself a lot better and figure out ways to cope with things. The psychologist explained to me that as I experienced a lot of diffcult and socially isolating situations, I learned that my way of getting some respite from the world was, and often still is, the escape to other worlds through books, cartoons and games. It was in those worlds, I could safely escape and explore. Whether it was at Hogwarts, Cybertron or even the Island of Sodor, I could find adventure and afterwards return feeling better about things. I often find that during periods of stress or uncertainty, one way to soothe my mind is with a pencil and a piece of paper, 

I think everyone needs that soothing and special place to retreat to. When I started following the story of a little boy called Lincoln and his lovely parents, I felt inspired by how brave he was. I've seen so many children who have illnesses and they just take it without complaint or the need to broadcast every single twinge to strangers. It's amazing how resilient they are. Lincoln has a disease that means his bones are very weak and has just had surgery. I wanted to gift him and his family something that would last them a lifetime and would be as unique as their little one is, choosing a character that has meant a lot for so many children since his creation (by the parent of a poorly child) in the 1940s. Painting Thomas the Tank Engine was such a release and I was able to access those wonderful feelings as Thomas has always been a place of safety and happiness for me and many other children. You can follow Lincoln's story on Facebook here. 

After the sessions it's important that I find those wonderful places and hold on to that feeling, doing something involving, like art, and let my imagination free is also very important. Art really does heal you. I'm trying to embrace that right now, especially upon hearing that my paternal grandmother contracted Covid and passed recently. I've had a hard time grieving process for her because there was just so much crap with the "other" family and as a result, I was pretty much barred from any kind of closure. I'm trying but sometimes it can be hard to push through the sadness and dosconnection I feel. With both of my grandmothers gone, it's like I don't really have a connection with my hometown anymore. I guess I always felt better with that connection and knowing they weren't too far away. With my art, I've been trying to put that feeling in to something beautiful and positive. I don't want to forget either Nan and they're always a part of me, the safe place I could find myself when I felt scared or alone. It's just hard to accept that both are gone. Stolen by covid.

It's taken me nearly a month to kind of process it and open up. Maybe it's because August was not a great time for me. Last month, I underwent some pretty intense dental treatments on my wisdom teeth. One of which had to come out (another one is probably going to end up the same way as it's not been happy since treatment) and because this is me and my body, that didn't exactly go as planned. As a result, I'm now waiting to get an appointment to have a minor operation to remove the large broken root and infection that has been left behind. My face is still sore and swollen on one side. So hopefully that will be sorted soon and my face won't throb any more. It's been a bit of a hectic month so I'm just kind of processing it all still. I'll get there though eventually.

Til all are one

Wendy xx