Coming to terms

It's been a week now. I woke up this morning, as I have done since it happened thinking "please tell me this didn't really happen, it was all just some horrible nightmare and Nan is safely at home." Then I look at my phone. Reading the call logs from that awful morning. In my 33 years, I have never heard my Mum's voice sound so pained and vulnerable. When she said the words everyone dreads right now that their relative has Covid. And it doesn't look good. They're on "end of life" care. I asked how long, thinking it could be a few days? No, not even that. I wanted to get there. Told not to as it wasn't safe for me, my Mum was losing her mother and didn't need to lose a child too. I sat holding a Jemima Puddleduck toy for over an hour as I cried.

Then outside everything went all calm for a moment. Like the world was paused briefly, it was quiet. It was so eerie. Moments later my phone went off again, normally I welcome the sound of my phone as it's a song I like. This time my heart just sank and I knew. She'd just gone. It was so instantaneous and without any warning that none of us could prepare or soften the blow. I cried most of the day after that. I'd have brief moments of calm, then put of nowhere, it was like a dam broke and there was no stopping until the tears were done. Heartbroken wasn't strong enough to describe how deeply we all felt this. It was like someone had cut off a limb or something.

It also stirred up this deep anger. This virus has destroyed so much this year. It's devastated families like ours and it could've been avoided or controlled months ago. I felt almost resentful towards the people attending illegal raves, tourist spots or protests, the people who didn't adhere to the first lockdown and probably won't adhere to this one, because those people think that they're above the law and can do what they want because it never happened to them or their families. Thinking about how selfish they were and how they contributed to our family's loss. Maybe that's why I'm so angry right now, knowing there are people who choose to ignore the rules and that they're not having to deal with the consequences. 

To be blunt. If you're ignoring lockdown and just doing what you want regardless, you are a prat. A selfish, stupid fool. I know some are staying with other family members during the whole lockdown but not mixing outside of that, that's fine as long as you're not just going between each others houses every day. Please just stay inside and only go out if you absolutely need to. Nothing is worth putting your family through this. Our family is having to say goodbye to someone we love so much and it's a pain we are living with. 

Please be safe out there. 

Til all are one.

Wendy xx