Belief?

Ever have one of those weekends where everything just seems to be stacked against you? I kind of feel that way at the moment as I have had a really rough infection which seems to be getting more and more gunky and I am just getting more and more exhausted as a result. It isn't helped when I have to put up with things that others are doing. The only problem with living in flats and underneath another is that there are bound to be times when we don't see eye to eye. It's not a bad thing, its only natural that sometimes we can do things that (without even knowing sometimes) that get on each other's nerves. Conflicting lifestyles and worldviews can be an issue and it is often one that is hard to deal with diplomatically. After all, one person may think that music we enjoy is "that bloody noise" and no party is right or wrong in that. I just wish sometimes people would understand and think about how their actions impact on others.

It's been a bit rough over the weekend because I have had two days running where I just want to sleep and a lot of my medication which is great for pain also has that kind of sleepy side effect (which when I can't sleep because people are playing music is sheer torture) so I can't really take it during the day. The result of this is that I am in a lot of pain and irritable because I am in pain and I can't even do what I should be able to because of the side effects and sleepiness. It can be a bit of a cycle and it gets me down so much at times because I really want to sleep and get better but not everyone sleeps during the day. I totally respect other people's right to do as they please and live the lives they want as long as my own rights are respected at the same time really. It does work both ways and I have always encouraged people to speak to me when they have a problem and then we can come to a compromise and not be at loggerheads. Arguing with people is a massive waste of time and energy. Sadly the stress of the situation was all too much for one of my guinea pigs and despite everything, the poor little guy didn't make it. I was gutted because I watched as his brother was trying to nudge him awake and I couldn't explain what happened as he couldn't have understood.

With the way my condition varies from day to day (some days I can be well and able to survive all day without having a nap or a lot of medication, some days I have to take more medication and am very easy to tire out) and often when I get a flare up like I have been having over the last few days itt can be harder work to just do simple things like walking around my flat or even going to the toilet and back. The problem is that even on my bad days, I do have to try and push through it and I try. I really do try. Even if its just a small win where I walked from one room to the next, its something I can say "Yeah, I did that myself".

I am actually thinking of going in to "Vlogging" or video blogs, as well as a written blog on my progress as things are starting to change and to be honest, I want to watch it go from what it is now to what it could be in a years time, for example because I want to see how I got from one situation to making things work for me again. It feels nice to be back behind a camera (cables and leads all over, different ports, types of cable etc) and I feel more like the Wendy I was. Maybe that person can still come back because she is still here and still giving me a kick up the backside to get moving. OK so the path ahead does still feel uneasy beneath my feet and I am scared that I am just going to fall down at a hurdle and not be able to claw my way back up. A  natural worry for someone like me so I hear, especially when they have already tried and endured so much and yet to keep coming back and saying "OK, that didn't work. What next?" Maybe its a case of where there is determination, there is hope. Maybe that's what I have to believe in for now.

I think its hard having to do all this again and again, being in a hospital and then having every test you've been subjected to before repeated over until you just want to scream! Each time someone new comes in, they have to redo everything and its like seeing a new (or old) consultant is like starting again from square one and that in itself is unbelievably frustrating because its like all those years of testing, jumping through all the hoops and doing everything they said day by day. I know its not going to be easy but it has to be better than how things are now and I have to believe that eventually I can at least get back some quality of life. I just need to believe in myself and not feel like I'm being set up for a fall here. I have had too many setbacks and too many times where I have almost given up completely and I think that part of me is scared of failing which means a bigger failure for not trying in the first place (if that made any sense).

I hope I am ready for this.

Loves
Wendy xx