Not Alone.

I am still here!! I just haven't had much of interest to blog about recently because really nothing new has been happening. I get these phases where it kind of plateaus and nothing remarkable happens. As frustrating as that can be sometimes. Since Wednesday, I have been having carers again. I had them before but they were stopped because the social couldn't get the funding for everyone. Now my needs have dramatically changed in less than 18 months, I am entitled to them again. I guess my health taking a nosedive has had it's advantages in a way. Like a lot of people, I was entitled to more help than I was getting at first.

So, since getting carers in, it's been nice. I have help to get up and out of nightwear, have a proper breakfast (not misc junk food or last night's left-overs) and I get ready to do whatever it is I have planned for the day. It does add structure to my days and that is ultimately good for me because it will help me settle down a bit more. It's good to see it in place before Natt moves out so that I can continue to live independently and he will still come over some days to check I'm doing OK. I think it's taking a lot of the pressure off his shoulders, it can be hard to care for someone, especially someone you're so close to. I know it has been hard on him to watch me get worse over the last 6 months and I often worry that he blames himself in some way. It wasn't his fault and I will keep telling him that.

It's been hard for me to get better recently because of my nightmare neighbour upstairs and his constant being a pain in the backside. I mean, who does DIY at 4 in the morning?! It's like he never sleeps either because he'll make noises at random throughout the day and night. Admittedly, I did find it funny when he tried to do something to the girls outside and he got a furious Riza attacking him. The squeal was worth it! I did then think "that'll teach him" and it did. He never came in to the garden again. Even though the girls are back inside (in the bedroom with me) for the winter now, as was always the intention, much to boy bunny's distraction because he can smell the females and he has this whole natural instinct to reproduce like all animals really. As lovely as kittens would be again, I don't think it would be in anyone's interests. It was wonderful though that 6 lives began right here in my flat and Riza was such a good mother and she did a great job in raising her little ones. I can't believe it's been a year and they have grown up so quick.

My animals mean as much to me as friends and family. Anyone who can say "it's ONLY an animal..." honestly has never been blessed with the utter pleasure of raising and being loved and trusted by a companion animal. There really is something magical about when you earn a pet's absolute trust and their undying love and affection. I have spent years living particularly with small animals, such as rats, guinea pigs, rabbits and all different kinds of hamsters. I don't ever regret it. In fact, my life has been richer in knowing the pets I loved (and they are never too far from my thoughts even when they're gone) and I believe that it has been my animals, as well as my friends and family, which have given me the strength and courage to keep fighting, even when things looked impossible or the pain was too much.

A lot of people say "oh but it's ONLY asthma" and tell me about how so-and-so has asthma and they are working and living a normal life so why can't I? I know when people say things like that, they're only trying to "help" and empower me somehow, but seriously, it really has the opposite effect. Telling someone about how their condition shouldn't affect them is a really horrid thing to do. Unless you can 100% know their life, what they have to deal with and how they cope, you honestly can't say what they should or shouldn't be able to do and frankly, I get tired of it because it makes me feel worse because I know I struggle. I know things can be tough and I know how and why. I'm the one who can't really do much. It's me who has to take as many as 50 pills a day and I am the one who deals with this as a constant throughout my life. I don't need reminding of it as if I don't already see it. I know my situation. I know what it feels like. I know what I can and can't do and I know my limitations and not to take foolish risks with that.

I have always believed that you can't judge someone until you walk a mile (or try to) in their shoes.

I have always been upfront about my physical and mental health because I truly believe that they are not things to be ashamed of. There are a lot of people who would try and almost blackmail me with my mental health but it never works because I don't have to be afraid of what my life can be. Just because I have these problems (bi-polar, OCD, BPD, schizophrenia, Aspergers (even if it's only borderline)), doesn't make me any less of a person. It doesn't make me "backward" or "wrong", it just means that I have to work harder to understand the world around me and I appreciate it more that way. I hate how there is this stigma with mental health problems and even though people are trying to break that, there will always be people out there to put you down and make you feel bad because of something and anything they can use and make nasty comments about shows how immature and backwards they really are.

I have a cousin, hes autistic as well and I am so proud of every milestone he makes. His mum and dad do everything they can so that he can be every bit as awesome as he is. I haven't seen him since he was 4, but I want to catch up with the whole family soon. I want Daniel to know he isn't always going to be alone and I want him to grow up without fear and with the support we never really knew that I needed until I was too old.

I have always tried to overcome the barriers that my health poses, even if it was a losing battle, what mattered most is that I at least tried to do it. There were things I never managed to finish (like my HND, I had to drop out towards the end because I was in hospital 3/4 days a week and exhausted and trying to recover the best I could at the time) but there are things that being supported has done for me. Getting the right equipment and support now has meant that I can do things I never even thought possible anymore. From going on trains to see people to actually going out and socialising with friends. Yes, it takes a lot of planning, preparation and I am absolutely shattered by the time it's over but I feel good. I feel happy.

I'll never know exactly "how long I have" but to be honest, I don't want to know. I want to carry on living my life the way I want to. I want to make sure that when my time does come, I can honestly look back at my life and say "Yeah... I did a pretty awesome job there."

Loves
Wendy xx