Drawing

I said I would show what I've been working on. This has taken nearly 8 hours so far. Its about half finished and that's before I do the scan and colour versions. Its not just a picture to me. Its a piece of art. The hours spent shading, erasing and blending tp achieve light and shade give me a sense of pride.

Running my pencils over the paper, I lose myself in my work. Gradually building on what I've done. I'm not arrogant as to say it'd be the best drawing in the world. But its one of my best as yet. But there are a million of drawings in my mind just waiting to be put to paper.

As time goes I am aiming to show off more of my work, my style re-defined and given more personality and I hope you find pleasure in seeing what I do.

Loves
Wendy xx

I'm still feeling out of sorts since Tuesday. I think its probably just part of the recovery process after an acute attack. I think its just my body asking me to slow down a little and let it have time to rest  and get over the worst of it. It does however give me more time to do what I need to do.

A bit of "life laundry" every so often does you good. Its a chance to dust yourself down and cut out the things you don't need or want anymore. I long decided to leave my past where it belongs and its making me happier. I'm achieving my dreams and each one is ticked off (including learning Japanese which is hard but so worth it). I have some travel plans, mostly UK based as its easier to be cared for here should things go awry.

I don't dream of riches or property. I dream of life experiences and spending the years with the people I love. Maybe one day I can get married and live my "happily ever after" or get my work published. So long as I'm doing what I want to I will never fail to be happy and to be quite honest I'm just ignoring anyone who tries to bring me down because in all honesty, they're not worth my time or attention. Certain people's comments get deleted and never read because they aren't worth my attention. What I find amusing is that they still have yet to grasp that the reason I ignore them completely is that I honestly don't care at all about them or their ridiculous bullshit, or they are just that stupid that they can't quite comprehend what the words "go away" mean. Either way; I'll just carry on as I am and maybe one day they might get the picture and stop trying to contact me.

I've got a new rabbit, a little lady called Riza (after Riza Hawkeye from FMA) and she's the most inquisitive and affectionate little thing. Watching her hop around is amusing and she just seems so happy to have a home and someone who will provide her with the loving care she deserves. She's a curious little creature who is interested in just about everything around her and it makes me sad that no one wanted her. I'll be getting her spayed as soon as possible obviously to ensure she has no problems as a responsible and caring owner should do.

Its been a good day so far and nothing is going to be allowed to change that. Unless of course you intend on making it better and brighter!

Loves
Wendy xx

Gifted...

I wonder. Am I this tired and weak because I held on long after I really should have? I have become adept at compensating and doing everything possible to keep going and keep my airways open. This results in getting closer and closer to collapse. But I hate feeling like I jumped the gun too soon and I worry too much about everyone else and everything else.

I kind of forget how much this knocks of me. I hurt all over and because of the struggling all the muscles in my chest, neck and upper back are strained. I'm so tired that I can't face eating much or get on or off my scooter without feeling wobbly. I think I just sleep because it doesn't take much and it allows me to recover and as days go by I will probably see a change and my strength coming back.

Its not like I have been sat around doing nothing though. I spent the time drawing and its been so stimulating for me. Even if its just been pencil sketches in my favourite style. I'm not going to claim to be as good as Becky but in a way she has encouraged me and pushed me to become a better artist and in some ways a better and happier person.

People ask me about how I feel about being stuck in what is essentially a kind of wheelchair at the age of 25. Do I feel sad or angry at the person who did this to me? No. I don't waste any emotion on that person because I don't want to give them the satisfaction of seeing me falling deeper in to depression. I've gotten this far and its thanks to my friends and boyfriend for never letting me give up, supporting and loving me though everything and facing the next challenges together. Even for putting up with me when I get upset or frustrated about things. So don't feel sorry for me, I'm just thankful to have the gift of so many wonderful people around me.

That is the most important thing to me.

Loves
Wendy xx

Half Dozing...

I think that the hype of "Yay! I'm OK!!" has officially worn off. Yesterday I was bouncing off the walls cleaning and sorting things out, today I'm drowsy, lethargic and just want to sleep until I feel better. After the adrenaline of an attack I crash about 2 days later after a day of restlessness and feeling like I need to run circles around everyone. Usually its a case of getting that restless energy in to something constructive like tidying the bedroom or drawing.

Today I think is a day of rest and sleep. Allowing myself time to heal my rib (which somehow was cracked in 3 places) and fend off this infection. Being me has 3 certain things:

1. No matter how hard you try, there will always be another attack just waiting for you. Take them as they come and carry on treating things on a day to day basis. Rest when you can and don't worry too much about other people complaining or the mud they feel the need to sling.

2. No matter how much you think you screwed up, the people you care about will always be there to support you. Chances are it probably wasn't that big a deal anyway so its better just to let it go. Life is better spent in the here and now.

3. No matter how much something sucks there is always a positive, even if you don't see it at the time. It helps to just laugh it off and make a joke about it. I do it all the time and to be honest, people are so much more receptive to someone in good spirits than a miserable sod who plays the victim.

I try to stay upbeat about life. Because if I let things get to me, where is that going to lead? I've already defied the odds on my life expectancy and even if it means getting help, I am trying to live as normal a life as possible. I just need to learn to take a backseat once in a while...

Loves
Wendy xx

In a Nice Bubble...

Its been nearly a year since that first time that I went to Blackpool for the first time since childhood and I saw Jace for the very first time. We'd been talking online and on the phone for a while and I.think I knew from those first few messages that this was going to be something magical and one of the best things to ever happen to me. It seems both weird and wonderful to think that I could be so happy. </p>
<p>Becky and Jace both see me for who I am, sometimes its like we don't always realise what makes me so different but its liberating. Like I can live my life without being tied down with barriers and make my way around anything that tries to hold me back. Love is supposed to make you feel free and like no matter what or who tries to stand in your way, that nothing will succeed in bringing you down. </p>
<p>Nothing or no one can take this away from me. I have wonderful friends and a boyfriend I adore. I have a nice roof over my head and even if we don't live in affluence or with riches to spare, we do well because we have something that doesn't cost anything but it's worth more than all the gold or trinkets in the world. That thing is love and compassion, a family who chose each other. </p>
<p>The only thing that kind of bugs me is that we aren't spending the day together but when one of you works its understandable and we see each other as often as possible. And when we are together its wonderful and we feel so happy together. I am kind of glad that Jace hasn't been unlucky enough to witness my asthma at its worst. Not that I worry about how he'd cope, afterall he's seen what attacks are like but its a whole new ballgame entirely when we have to get help. That happens on average once or twice a month right now.

Last night was one such occasion where we didn't realise that it was what it was until I was fighting hard against it. I think that I was retaining as a last resort to put it off. I'm exhausted today as expected but its not something that I can't deal with. If anything I can use the time to watch as much anime as I like. So for now, I'm going to chuck my feet up and get lost in some other worlds!

Loves
Wendy xx

.....

Today was one of those days that has been as emotionally difficult as it has physically. I mean, a lot of days are trying at best, but today I had to finally wave the white flag and admiot that after a year of ignoring the fact that my stomach always felt like it was burning and painful and the fact that despite eating a normal diet and everything, my weight had seriously started dropping and I was having a lot of problems when it came to the "exit" side of things. I think it had just been the fact that I have a strong rapport with my GP and he seems to understand me even when I am blushing bright red and stumbling over rather embarrassing symptoms. I think I find it somewhat awkward to speak to a professional person about something that I would usually be poking as much fun as possible about.

So when I had to explain to him about these kind of things, you can imagine my fear and apprehension. I was scared to admit that I was starting feel like I was scared to say to people what had been going so wrong. Maybe it was the fact that I didn't want anyone worrying about me when they have their own problems. I never like telling people when something is hurting me or that I haven't been eating much because I really can't face it anymore (I have dropped a dress size in the last month or so and none of my clothes fall off me) and when I did try to tell people, they seemed to have their own problems and they always seemed to come first. Heck, I had even gotten to the point that if Becky had a problem at a similar time, it became my practice to refuse to see a doctor (unless it was life threatening) until her problem had been addressed and completely fixed. This was my choice because in some ways I find it easier to help other people than to help myself.

So, the lowdown is that I may have a stomach ulcer and a potentially serious condition (anything from IBS to some other rather scary things) of my digestive system which makes it digest my food about 3 times faster than a person without problems (which explains why despite trying to eat well, weight seems to be dropping off quickly and that I randomly get hungry at strange times and often for something small like a chunk of cheese or most bizarrely half a pop-tart with the other half and the other on the bedside table, or under the pillow) but it also means that I don't always get a chance to absorb nutrients from my food properly which means that I have a few minor deficiencies which have been treated with supplements and other things. I always blamed my pred for the fact that sometimes I got the munchies at strange times but when I started realising that I wasn't piling on the pounds anymore that was when I thought that my metabolism had possibly changed.

The stomach ulcer could possibly be a stress thing. Over the last 2 years, I have had to deal with a lot of change and stressful situations. Things like relationship breakdowns, moving house and having another person come to live with me after months of settling in to a solitary regime. There have been any number of stressful things that have happened and its all come full circle to cause me a physical problem (more so than the flare ups of asthma and eczema which usually can be controlled) as I haven't had the tools in the past to address it.
 
All will become clear I suppose when I see a Gastroenterologist about the problems soon and we should be able to at least solve the mystery of what has been happening to my body and seeing how we can put it all back to how it should be.

Loves
Wendy xx

ARGH!!

I've not really felt myself last weekend, maybe it explains why all I have really wanted to do is sleep while my hand (which has the rash I get as my body's attempt to make me admit that I feel absolutely rubbish) has driven me up the wall again. I get this rash every time I get some kind of infection that affects me on a systemic level, its something I have been getting since my teens. It usually starts with some small hives which then progresses to tiny fluid filled blisters. Usually the best thing for them is a hefty dose of every antihistamine I have access to (usually a cocktail of Hydroxicine (which I usually avoid during the day as it conks me out), loratadine and citirizine) and obviously treating the underlying infection. I have been struggling to shake this thing off completely since the middle of last month after 6 months of one infection that refused to budge and landed me in hospital more times than I care to mention.

I hate it because usually, I get about a month of being alright without any infections driving me up the wall then something else always seems to manage to find it's way in. This has not been helped by the general public's habit of not covering mouths when they cough or sneeze (seriously it's like no one has ever heard of the old adage of "Coughs and sneezes spread diseases") and the fact that my immune system is up there with dragons and pixies in the list of mythical things because of the constant need for oral steroids and my lungs being the weakest part of my body. I'd be lying if I say that I don't find this kind of thing frustrating but I think that I have always preferred the "Shit happens, deal with it" approach. I think that it helps when even your pets come to see that everything is alright (this is why we love Kibou, hes a sensitive little soul really) and comes to give some much needed snuggles. They really do take the monotony away and make the day seem better.

I aim to spend the next few days putting some new music on my iPod, watching some films and maybe even some of my favourite anime series. Right now I am getting back in to Full Metal Alchemist which is one anime I could watch and watch again. It is a sad story of two brothers who lost their mother and tried to resurrect her with the science of alchemy, but forgetting the most important rule, nothing can be gained without having to give something up in return. To the elder brother, Edward, he finds out the hard way that alchemy can cost you an arm and a leg and he wants to do what he can to get his lost limbs back by trying to seek out the legendary Philosophers Stone. Its a good story, but it has a sad undertow of love, loss and family. I loved it because it really had moments that evoked emotions and made you actually care about the characters. I have also been watching some old films that I hadn't watched in a while, one of which was "Space Jam". I loved that when I was a kid and watching it again as an adult was a delight. I think I got a lot of the jokes better and I really enjoyed watching it, I used to have it on video when I was younger and I always loved watching it and probably drove people mad with it, and Titanic!

I guess the main thing that I am happy about is that the flat upstairs is once again empty (until the next colourful individual moves in) and the nightmare from the guy we had up there. So yeah, I think I am in some kind of recovery from it all, probably from the stress of that guy.

Loves
Wendy xx

There is an old game I used to play with my brother on our way to school. The game centred around car registration numbers (well the last 3 letters) and you could either read it as a word or try and make an acrostic. So if a plate had the last 3 letters LHM you could make Lost Hungry Men. Becky and I play this game often and sometimes the result can be rather rude but extremely funny.

We played this game on the way home from Sainsburys with Jace this evening. We had our usual laughs with things like "My Chemical Underwear" to some rather unusual ones that had us laughing so hard we couldn't stop. Things like "Hormones with Cheese" or "Pink Wizards Jizz". I think people wondered what it was that we found so funny but we enjoyed our giggle. I know it probably looked like we were drunk but there is no law to say that we can't have a good time. Even if some of them were a bit rude!

Being light hearted can sometimes make all the difference. Sometimes you just have to go for it and do the things you enjoy. And there are times when you have to do something off the wall and crazy just because you may never get another chance. Or you can just experiment with something and change your appearance completely.

I think it was about a week ago when  I was thinking that my black/brown hair was getting a little boring. Its a thing I've done since my teens to dye my hair a completely insane colour. I think that over the years my hair has been every colour imaginable, including blue and green. I'll post more on my new hair tomorrow or something as I'm tired and ready for bed!

Loves

Wendy xx

You would think that over a year of flatly ignoring someone would send a clear message as to how I feel about that person. Most people would have had the intelligence to think "she ignores me and doesn't publish my comments, maybe she really does not want anything to do with me at all." but no, this one person is still persisting.

You know, I was sure that I made my point so clear that even the most determined imbecile would get it. Surely me saying that I don't ever read their spiteful bile would make them realise that they are wasting their time, whenever I see their name, I send it to junk. This is a person who regardless of what he's done, will carry on his family tradition of blaming others and attempting to manipulate everyone by playing the victim. His father is a pro and has taught him well.

As for me, well I'm going to carry on making my life better and ignoring this person, perhaps one day they will get the message and go away and crawl back in to the hole they came from.

We have some trips planned, going to see friends and possibly a day at the seaside with Jace.

Winds of Change?

It seems that change is in the wind and for the moment I really welcome it. Its not something that I can quite put my finger on, but the air feels fresh and clean and the bright sunshine breaks through. Maybe I feel so revived because for the last couple of days I haven't been woken up by the scream of a degenerate troll who for 6 months made our close miserable.

Don't get me wrong, I love this little place and I'm glad that I fought tooth and nail to keep it, but since the flat above has been used as a stop-over, it has made a lot of us angry. The people we tend to get are usually involved with crime and antisocial behavior. This has meant that kids have been learning words that I didn't use until I was a lot older or broken glass is spread on the grass. I hope the next person who gets the place is a lot less destructive.

I think that for now I will be making the most of the quiet and calm, getting the rest I sorely need. I had the doctor out again last Friday because I was really struggling but didn't quite feel at 999 stage. I think it says something when a doctor doesn't need to listen to your chest with a stethoscope to know what's happening. It's funny, I never used to be much of a wheezer until that one point. I'm not going to go over it and am going to continue with the idea of not letting my past anchor me down.

Tomorrow will be a good day, OK so its payday and we will probably get our usual coffee and then meeting Jace before our shopping trip and a few evenings of all of us just doing what we do best. I love when Jace visits as we get to spend time together and it just feels wonderful. Maybe its these lovely experiences that are the best medicine of all. When Jace is here, my pain isn't as bad and I handle my attacks better. They do say that your emotional state does make a difference in your physical health and I for one do believe it.

Things are looking up and I am really hoping that this summer will yield yet more wonderful days and this winter won't be too harsh on my lungs. It would be nice to be off antibiotics for longer than a week!!

Loves
Wendy xx