Not Sure...

Today I went to see my doctor about the pains and weird lumps I'd found in my stomach. These things had been around for a while and had been causing me considerable pain, especially when it came to picking things up and putting them back down. The good news is that it isn't likely to be anything intestinal such as hernias or problems with my bowels. But the bad news is that it is likely to be something wrong with my uterus and coupled with the lack of periods for 3 months (not being with a man physically since October somewhat rules out the possibility of a pregnancy) and other symptoms, the doctor is suspicious of fibroids.

Fibroids are small, non-cancerous lumps in the uterus. Another possibility was a condition called Endometriosis. This is a build up of the lining of the womb in other parts of the body. The biggest issue that all of that can have is that there will be a high risk that I will never have my own child. I already kind of knew it when I was 16 and I had my PCOS diagnosed after a cyst had popped and made me very unwell as a result. I was told then and there that conception would be very difficult. When I was just a bit older, I was told I had several other irregularities with my body. Not something you would have wanted to hear as a 17 year old girl who had serious body issues and ended up starving herself to 7 stone and lying to everyone that she was at least 9 stone.

I suppose my feelings are a bit mixed right now. In some ways I think I am glad that I can't have children as, well, my asthma struggles to let me do simple tasks for myself on a bad day, imagine how I would cope with a screaming, pooing and dribbling (considering my rather strange phobia of other people's bodily fluids) baby. I can see for myself that this would be a bad thing for me at best. But then there is that natural side of me that feels a bit like a failure because I may not be able to bear a child and thats kind of something that bothers me a bit. Although admittedly I have always made peace with the idea of adopting or fostering so I guess thats a compromise.

I guess now the only thing we can do is wait and keep on top of things, keeping a diary of what my body is doing. I have scans soon to see whats going on, what we're going to do with it and all that comes with it. Its a wait and see game and I really just want it all over and done with. Sorry about such a negative post but I needed to get this off my mind or I think I would be troubled for a while.

Loves
Wendy xx