I WILL Go Out Tonight...

I am making a promise to Tom, his wonderful friends and most of all to myself that I will not let this thing beat me and stop me from going out tonight and having fun in celebration of both Tom and Tina's birthdays. My asthma just isn't playing ball this morning and I woke again feeling chesty and a little bit wheezy. Which when you think about it, is so not me. I haven't had night time symptoms and morning symptoms like this in a rather long time and everyone, including my GP seems to think that this is because my consultant decided that rather than leaving things as they were, if not a little unstable, but more stable than now, he decided to try and reduce my medications for no other reason than NHS costs.

To me that just doesn't sit right. Yes, I am aware that at 23 a medications list of nearly 20 drugs seems a bit odd, but that is the way things are. Now I have accepted it, my GP has accepted it (and refused to take me off the Singulair as I really did begin to drop) and everyone else has accepted it. Why can't my consultant? It just seems a bit daft really to put someone, who he has had to prove the point of asthma to countless times using my CT scan and showing me the effects of it all on my other test results, in that much danger. Or maybe I seem to be missing the point?

I guess today I am getting a bit frustrated and annoyed that rather than getting better as promised, I seem to be getting more and more symptomatic and its having such an effect on me. I feel like a failure because I seem to be dropping again and I don't know what I did wrong for all of this to happen. I think feeling frustrated is completely natural and not wanting to push the envelope further seems to be my way of thinking. I don't want to go in to hospital, whether it is for the proposed planned admission or an emergency one. It just isn't the right time for me at the moment, what with Hope having a stroke, Tom's birthday, finalising the property adjustment order which should happen this week, and other appointments and other things that need to be done. I have a life and I can't just drop it to sit around on a ward all day without any medicine at all and just getting worse and worse and not being allowed to make myself more comfortable just to see what will happen.

I know asthma isn't the "In" thing with doctors at the moment and the trend is to try and disprove asthma, even in cases such as mine where it has been confirmed several times over. Is that not more of a waste of NHS money and time than trying to find something that is less like putting a plaster on it. Or maybe I am just ranting because I am feeling tired, my chest hurts a lot and I just don't have the time for any of it at the moment as I am THAT busy over the next 4 weeks with appointments for this... appointments for that... and then trying to make time to just rest for a while.

The property adjustment order is taking a while to finalise and we don't know why. We have been told that as we have started the process that the property is definitely just my tenancy and I don't have to worry that someone will try and usurp my home because he is throwing his toys out of the pram in a "if I don't get it, no one will" game. It is probably just the council taking their time as they had to remove my allocation of points from his application and reassess him. Why my name was on there and my signature forged, I do not know, and to be honest, I really do not want to know now, it has nothing to do with me. I do not want to be on the housing list. I have a place. I LIKE my place and I refuse to give it up because someone else thinks I should.

OK so I have ranted a bit, but I needed to get a few things off my chest so that I don't need to worry about things and I can maybe concentrate on making myself feel a bit less sick so that I can enjoy some time with my boyfriend and his friends without my asthma limiting me as it always tries to.

Loves
Wendy xx