Keeping On Top...

At the moment the aim of the game seems to be a case of keeping on top of everything. From housework and household bills to making sure that all my medications are taken when I need to take them. On my own it can become too easy to get sloppy and forget to do things or adopt a "I'll do it later" kind of attitude then before you know where you are, you're 6 months in arrears with one company and another one is calling to collect the bills. Its been nice that over the last month or so, I have stopped getting the snotty letters or phone calls from people asking where they're money is. And I am happy to say, I don't miss any of that.

When I was left to be on my own, I think I kind of hid the amount of bills left over and just kind of lived for today, kind of thing. I have been concentrating just lately in getting rid of those pesky debts from my student years and my gap year which before seemed insurmountable. The worst of all was the arrears the we had from the YMCA. I am happy to hold up my hand and say that yes I was as responcible for the arrears on 66 Knowle as they were. And I agree with Jayne that I should only pay my half of 66 Knowle and NOT any arrears for 23b, as I was only there for a few weeks and it was NOT my tenancy so we agreed that I only have to pay the £134.00 or so for my share of that. This is a relief as I was worried that I would be paying towards a debt that isn't mine. I am doing this all in one go on the 10th of August so at least I am off the hook for that one.

After that comes my payments for Penny who helped me when I needed it. Again this is about £100 a month which is manageable and again helps to clear my bills and my conscience. I always feel bad in asking other people for help. This is just the way that I was raised. I was raised to never ask or accept help or charity from other people and it is more honourable to struggle on your own. That was a load of and was far too stressful to do. We all work better as teams instead of individual factions.

With how things are going and the extra income from ESA, DLA and Severe Disablement Allowance, I can also be happy to say that by the end of next year, all being well that my Halifax Credit card and Barclaycard  will also be things of the past and I will be able to boost my credit rating and be a free woman. I am hoping that as soon as they are out of the way then myself and Tom can look to a bright and happy future together in each other's company for many years to come.

Loves
Wendy xx

My Random Little Rants...

I notice these days that I tend to have some little, and often rather funny rants, on my blog, twitter, facebook, even with people face to face. They're never anything sinister mind you, just me vocalising what I think about X, Y and Z and maybe, if you were to look hard enough you may see one of those fabled kernels of wisdom about life, the universe and pretty much anything. I mean, I do blog about pretty much everything don't I? From a catalog of what my ex boyfriend did to me, to what treatments I have undergone or am going to be having for my various conditions.

Over all it has been, and I hope it remains to be, a lot of fun and sometimes theraputic to write my thoughts and what ever has been bothering me.

Yesterday it had been a case of my chest acting its usual unfriendly self and trying to socialise Kadaj. I have had him for a while now and he still doesn't like humans to hold or stroke him, screeching or even trying to bite. And then the fun of him getting loose and having to chase this fast and aggressive creature down. I guess its a mark of the cruelty he has experienced in life. Gaara is a bit calmer now and just likes to make as much noise as he possibly can! It is really cute, but not at 5 in the morning when you just want to get some sleep, and let your body not kick five ways from Sunday.

I did have a lovely visit in the form of Tom, Joey and Dave and of course Oliver. It really did make me feel a lot brighter and I enjoy these visits, but it is fair to say that we are all happy with our situation, 4 adults and one lovely child, all happily getting along and acting as a family unit. I have never been so blessed than I am right this moment, yes there are problems and I have really been not myself today, but you know what, I wouldn't trade anything at all with my life right now.

Today my asthma has been at its worst and I have struggled pretty much with everything and been feeling bad about it as I was planning to go out this evening. But I am accepting that these things happen and not taking it as a reflection on myself, but more the fact that I came down with a bug and it did whatever these things tend to do. Maybe tomorrow will hold something better. One could hope.

Loves
Wendy xx

Customer Service?

Last week, I decided that I was fed up of not having any way of listening to my music anywhere other than the living room. Unless of course I used my laptop, but the speakers are a bit crappy it has to be said. That and I enjoy listening to CDs while I take a bath or get dressed in a morning. And when cleaning my room, and my laptop provides too much distraction with Twitter and Facebook and I forget what it was I was supposed to be doing. So I decided it was time I got a small boombox for the bedroom.

At first I had gone to Argos and saw a cheap and, what I thought would be, cheerful little Bush device. It was shiny and black and really suited the mood of the room. At £26.99, I also thought it was a reasonable price. I brought it and took it home, plugged it in and chose a CD. I pressed Play and was about to enjoy listening to a CD that I enjoy. Linkin Park's "A Thousand Suns". The sound wasn't the best, which I thought was a little disappointing, then at random it started missing out tracks. Now anyone who knows this album will know that all the tracks blend together to create a deep and well thought out concept. I had assumed it was an accidental knock on the program button so at first wrote it off as such.

It carried on doing this and it bemused me. The next morning, it refused to play at all. I would put a CD in, it would spin for a few minutes and then either come up with the wrong amount of songs (said a 6 track CD only had 3 tracks) and then played as though it was underwater?! I was thinking WTF? And I had assumed that in my haste I had forgotten to keep the box. I was glad to have found it, I must say. I took it back today and the cheeky sod at the desk asked me if I wanted "The same again?". I declined, as politely as one does when you want to call the guy a cheeky little shit! I was glad when he offered me (very apologetically) my money back. And with it I did spend about £7 on my guinea pigs so that they could have some new toys.

Luckily I had brought a new CD player from Tesco. This one was about £5 more than the other one, but it had an Ipod dock, a remote and I knew I would be able to trust it, as I have had some Technika stuff before now and it hasn't been half bad, OK so it isn't THE best there is, but on a budget and for something I only wanted to listen to in bed or in the bath, it certainly does the job.

Loves
Wendy xx

Remembering...

Just lately I have started to remember who I am. Remembering that the illness is only a small and insignificant part of me. The rest of me comes from the surface. The real me. The real Wendy who would walk around in a corset because it felt sexy and just that little bit naughty. Or the girl who would just do her own thing because she felt like it or would be able to figure out ANY problem with technology. Even the most awkward ones where you have to hack in to the bare bones of the computer just to get it all working as it should again.

I think as I have made the transition from being in one relationship to another, I have re-discovered this whole part of me that I had long since forgotten about. Things I like. Things the make me thing "That is cool". and those things that really make me passionate. Re-discovering some old anime programmes that I used to watch and still thinking that Kimimaro still looks the dead spit of Sephiroth. This did amuse me however and I did have a good giggle about that. Naruto is becoming weirder, yet so much more facinating and compelling a watch.

I re-discovered corsetry. It makes me feel so feminine when I wear my new corset and with my long raven black hair, it looks stunning. I just need to find the right bottoms and accessories then I have the look down. In September we plan to go to Camden for some clothes shopping so I can find more pretty goth clothes and continue to find my old self and get back to how smart I used to dress. Blazers, trousers and nice tops were the order of the day, rather than baggy and untidy.

So now, for Hope, Alphonse and above all, myself. I am going to keep going. I am going to get stronger and i am going to prove it to myself that I am more than what I became because of my circumstances. I am going to live. For me. For Tom and for the animals I care for. My friends and extended family will help me be what I was always supposed to be instead of a mess or a nervous wreck.

This is my resolve. And with it I refuse to give up and let people push me down or hold me back anymore. I cared so much about what so-called friends had to say about me and proving to them the problems that we all knew were there and were making me so miserable. If they didn't want to listen or believe me, then that is their problem. Just because they don't want to believe it then it doesn't make it not true and I would be foolish to stop using my medicine or walking aids to keep them from slagging me off or criticizing me. If I didn't need them then they would not have given them to me. Or if they thought at any time they were inappropriate they would have taken them back.

We may complain about the NHS, but we know for a fact that they only do what they think is best. Even if at the time, we may not agree with them or what they say, but remember: WHO spent 10 years at medschool? And last time I checked, 10 years at medschool is worth more than 100 years of living with a medical problem, as no 2 sufferers of a problem are EXACTLY the same.

Look at me and Penny. We both have T1BA, but hers and mine behave in different ways and are set off by different triggers. She has allergies and reflux and I don't. My complications come from a low immune system which results in chronic chest infections as an exacerbating factor on top of a few other problems on top of it. Yes we both know a lot about our respective conditions, but none of us profess to be the leading authority on them.  People who think they know everything annoy me and when they get under my skin, it takes a while before I can say "Fuck it", and I am finally at that point. So now I say a huge "Fuck it" to the people who think they're NEVER wrong. To the people who attack without getting the facts straight first. And the people who think they're somehow better than me.

But Thank You to the people who support me. The people who helped me over the years to become the woman I am today. It was you, who showed me who I am. And I thank you. Always.

Loves
Wendy xx

Sadness and Sorrow...

It is with a heavy heart that I write this, but also with a feeling of relief. Hope passed away this weekend after a huge seizure on Friday night. He went peacefully in my arms and I held him as he slipped away from us. He had been very poorly for a while and I think we knew this was coming when he had his first massive seizure about 2 weeks ago. I will never forget my little pink eyed white piggy and the stories he left me with. And of course the rush of love I felt that day when I first held him back at the pet shop.

After Alphonse died, the original plan was get another piggy for Patch. Little did I know that I would fall in love with 2 brothers and later a second piggy who we now know is NOT pregnant as once thought and turned out to be a rather large and sometimes aggressive boar, who is back to his old name, Kadaj. Hope never got on with Kadaj and that would always end in some of the noisiest scraps I had ever witnessed. Admittedly getting my hand between the two of them had been a dumb idea as Hope latched himself on to my finger and wouldn't let go! When we brought him home, he was TINY! Always eating.

Even when he developed his habit of humping all the other two guinea pigs! It was so funny to watch, but I think the others thought he was a pain in the backside. But he was my Hope. He was cheeky, full of naughtiness and energy and constantly after a fuss or affection.I had noticed early on how tiny he was compared to the other pigs, even his own brother was a lot bigger than he was. I fell in love with that tiny little creature and loved to play with him. Even if he was a vocal little guy!

He stayed with us for 7 months until what was thought to be a brain tumor took him away from us. My only regret is that we didn't get too much more time together or his tribute would have been much longer. We laid him to rest today in a woodland area, somewhere close to nature so that he could sleep in peace in a place that is natural and calm. Beautiful. Like he was.

So I leave you now with my favorite photographs of Hope. Gone but like Alphonse, not forgotten. I will be getting another pig soon, but after Patch has had some time to grieve for the loss of his baby as well as us grieving for our loss as well. I love both of my special pigs at the Rainbow Bridge, a place where they all play together and there is plenty of the things they like. Popcorn in peace little ones.

Loves
Wendy xx

Back Clinic Report...

Today I had an appointment with the local Back Pain Clinic at the Alex. This was with a specialist in the area of the back itself and in assessing my spine and what went wrong. It was confirmed today that there is a slight and rather hard to spot curvature in my lower back, however it was missed for so long because of how small it was, but it is there, but won't need any correction.

The big problem I have however is that I have been getting a large amount of pain constantly in my spine (and it was found to be the spine and nerves themselves rather than the muscles surrounding it) and they think that that has been caused by a slipped or damaged disc which will need some intense treatment and more than likely an operation to put this right if the physio or other treatments fail. This is going to be a long process but the end result will be that I will be able to walk again without using a crutch on those days when it was bad. I have been told to use my crutch more than I do already and I will be having an MRI scan done soon to determine the next course of action.

Today has been a lot easier than we thought it would be and I feel better for being brave enough to go and do it. And may I mention that for once in my life, I actually attended and got the best out of an appointment on my own rather than taking someone with me to hold my hand as it were. I felt good about myself for having the strength and courage to get things sorted. I know that is kind of a given, but some days, I feel braver than others, it has to be said.

So now I return home, albeit a little sore and uncomfortable from having someone poke and prod at the parts of my body that hurt the most, but I know this is all part of the process of healing and sorting out the problems, and trust me there is an awful lot of me that needs to be fixed from my screwed up back to my lungs which are slowly getting to the point where there is no more medical intervention for me at home and that does get to me, but I think I am going to make the best of what I have and whatever else can wait really. I have a happy relationship and a good home and group of loyal and caring friends who would do anything for me, if I only asked them to.

I guess what I am trying to say now is that we should all count our blessings and enjoy our lives because we only get one shot at this. So we have to make it count. Live, laugh and feel the sun on your face, cherish the time with those people you love and know in your hearts that you always made the right choices for you, even if at the time everyone was telling you to go another way. I am thankful for the people in my life and even though some days I am in unbearable pain and I get snappy, I don't ever mean to be horrible. So instead of yelling at me or making it worse, hug me. Tell me its OK to feel frustrated. Heck, slap me if I get irrational or vicious about it. I never mean it. I am just in pain and I know I am in pain.

Loves
Wendy xx

Recharging My Batteries...

I think after a week or so of trying my hardest to try and work through a virus and carry on as normal, its finally been getting to me and I hate to admit it, but I really don't feel well at all. Maybe its because it is the first time in years since I was unwell on my own and actually ALLOWED to feel like this that I found it all the more daunting and worrysome. I guess I am still expecting someone to start yelling at me or making me feel worse or like I'm not trying to do things when I am and its plain to see to everyone.

I still have days when I feel like I can't do this and that I think I am failing, but slowly I am learning that it isn't a failure so long as I can still get up off my backside and keep trying. I guess there are days where I struggle more than others and it is hard to know when you're not failing but just doing what you can, when you can. I am a strong person. Only because for so long I had to be strong rather than way back when I was a small girl and I'd not dare show any strength or individuality. I promised myself that I would never let myself be vulnerable or weak ever again and those days remind me that even so, I, like many others out there, have a number of limitations and disabilities.

From problems with my chest and back which make me feel weakened physically and problems with my mental health, which often can and are used as weapons against me. It left me at that point where I stopped opening up or even trying to accept what I am. I have always been teased for the way I stand, walk and my lack of athletic ability. My use of inhalers and other things to make sure I functioned properly and didn't become ill at school. I hid who I was and the things that I liked so that they could stay as something pure for me, and for me alone.

Tom brings me out of my shell and is one of the few people in my life that I have never felt distrustful or hurt by. Even after knowing each other for 6 years or so and being close friends for so long. We needed the dysfunction in our lives in order to grow and mature so that we were both ready when the time had come and when it did come, we were not disappointed. In fact we were able to embrace each other and become something wonderful together. He helped me grow and saved me from myself.

I realise that there has been a lot of mudslinging lately and I for one want no more to do with any of it. Yes I was betrayed, but I was by no means a saint and I am sorry for my part in things. I am not perfect. I am human just like everyone else. I need to be loved and need to trust others in the same way that anyone else does. I make mistakes. Heck I forget to do things just like everyone else, but that is the thing with humans. They make mistakes, and forget things. They hurt each other and themselves. I am not going to drag up the details of mine and Steve or mine and Mike's relationships. What happened in the past is just that and it is honestly time now that it was all put to bed. This is the closest thing I can offer anyone to closure, and for now, it has to be enough because I really don't know what else can be said. I am learning a lot about myself by living alone and it helps me grow and become a real person.

Loves
Wendy xx

Gardening...

I've been here for 3 months now, and the inside of the flat looks like something really special. Just a few finishing touches here and there and the inside will be all done. So now my attention has turned to the small and somewhat unruly side garden. Today, me and Penny pulled up and disposed of a lot of weeds and stinging nettles. It needed doing and half the garden now looks tame and all it needs now is the rest sorted out and some membrane and stones laid down to make a rockery of sorts.

Well that's the plan anyway. I want my garden to be low maintenance as I am not much of a gardener. My mother loves it. But I never could be bothered with the outside work. I am more of an "indoor girl" and love making my interior look good. I just was never one for the garden. It does wreak havoc on both a bad back and a bad chest. It seems when one is irritated that the other decides it wants a go as well so sometimes it can be like a balancing act with all the different conditions and health problems I have.

I am getting there slowly and seem to be able to balance days with various activities (even on days when I don't really feel up to it), medications and appointments with all my specialists and doctors. I like my doctors and have complete trust in whatever they do as I know in myself that they know better than I what needs to be done. My orthopedic doctor (at the local Back Pain Clinic) is going to do what they can so that I can sort this problem out and be back to my old self. My psychologist is really helping me make such good steps with coping mechanisms and other ways of working with what I have rather than lamenting it. He said that I was making good steps in getting rid of people like my father and so-called friends as they were more of an anchor around my neck, trying to weigh me down and never allowing me to do what I needed to.

I have deleted an old email account that I opened at 16 and immaturely named after someone. I seldom use MSN these days anyway, I much prefer to go out and see and talk to people face to face. MSN seemed to make me lazy and made me unwilling to go out and enjoy myself. As a result, I became a shut in. The last thing anyone wants to be is someone who is closer to 30 than 20 and never goes out or makes the most of life despite my illnesses. Yes it can be difficult and does take a bit of planning, but when I have been out and done something or achieved a new goal it really makes everything just that little bit more worth it. Humans are not made to live in boxes or cages made of bricks and mortar.

This week my psych asked me to consider the relationship I have to my disabilities. Was it that I felt as though I couldn't or shouldn't do things because of them, or did I try and make the best of things and go and do what I wanted regardless of them. I would like to think that just lately, I have taken the latter approach to things rather than the former. There really is no cut off point in activity just because you happen to have some kind of problem. If that were the case then how does anyone do anything?

Yes there are days where I feel tired or I am in a lot of pain or my nerves in my legs are so compressed that they feel like lead. But when I have done something as small as walk to the shop or cleaned my flat up or even done some laundry, I really do feel good about myself. Tom has inspired me in so many ways and on those painful days he is there for me. Even if its just something as simple as a cuddle or some gentle encouragement to get up and do something or take a little walk even if I need to use my crutch or my nebuliser. He is there, willing to work with me and telling me I CAN do these things. It IS possible.

I am also embracing living by myself and looking after myself as best as I can. Yesterday, I stood and cooked myself a meal, even though I was in pain and wheezy when I was done. I did it. I managed to clean the guinea pigs out today and do some grooming and cuddles with them. I love cuddle time with them and I know they all enjoy it as well.

So here I am, I keep going because I WANT to. I keep my true friends close to me and the people who hurt me in the past are no longer allowed in to my life. I see my family now. I am not afraid anymore because I have nothing to be afraid of, I didn't do anything wrong. All I have ever done is be honest about my life and what it means to be me and people who want to pass criticism before finding out the full story then they can if they want, but myself and the people around my know the truth and think those people the low and petty ones because they were so quick to jump to conclusions or accuse without finding out the reality of things.

I am truly thankful to my friends and those who have stuck with me throughout the years, even when I have been either so depressed that I cried all day or so angry about things that I have been snappy or bitchy. I am sorry to those who I may have hurt along the way but again I am thankful that you have understood and made allowances for when I have been in such a bad state over things.

Loves
Wendy xx

All Change Please...

Change seems to be everywhere at the moment and to be quite honest with you all, it is for the better. I am removing sources on unhappiness from my life which I thought were a permanent state of being. I am slowly learning not to have to put up with something that makes me miserable just because one or 2 people say I should.

I forgot that I had long since gotten out of the habit of leaving myself unhappy because my parents thought that was how my life was to be, or because of a friend who whenever she gets in contact with me, she either makes me "rescue" her or makes me feel unhappy so that she can rescue me or make me feel worse about myself so she can feel slightly better. I am through with being screwed over by jerks. And I am frankly fed up of being taken for a mug by old friends who honestly didn't deserve to be in my life because they either controlled me or made me feel bad about just about everything that was what some would call "wrong" in my life. Not to mention parents who really just want to remind me of what they think is "my Place" in the equation. I am sorry, but I am not playing the game anymore because to be quite honest, I don't have to. Nor do I want to.

I think just lately the fact that I have become resolved and confident in my life has really become a lot more fun. OK so all we have been doing recently is sorting everything out so it is how I would want it, and Tom's recent discovery of Portal. The concept is just brilliant really and so simple, but the thing is just genius. Shoot a portal on either side and solve the puzzles. With rather cute sounding turrets and the "Weighted Companion Cube" it is just a good game for shits and giggles. And isn't that what gaming should be? Shits and giggles.

I have been gaming a lot more recently but that has mainly been because I have just felt more like I want to game rather than have to worry about some kind of quandary about whether it is right to or not. I'm more relaxed now and after rediscovering old games that make me laugh such as Sonic or Alien Hominid, I just feel lighter and more able to enjoy my life and everything I have in there. With Tom, I am a much brighter and more cheerful person and I laugh and smile a lot more than I used to. I am even sleeping more which means that my lackluster energy has become a thing of the past, thank fuck, and I seem to bounce around like a young person should, albeit walking like I have a slinky stuck up my arse at times when my back is giving me hell. It is painful but I am learning to adapt and find ways to at least make my bad days more fun without having a go at others.

I had a bit of a bad day on Sunday when it came to a combination of pain and my asthma doing what it does best, but instead of feeling miserable and taking it out on people, I just did everything I could to remain cheerful and try my best to at least see the positives, such as the fact I had had a fantastic night out and "Hangover day" was a good time to rest and recharge my batteries a bit. Tom helps with that immensely and we do have a lot of fun together which is something that I have never experienced in a relationship, those moments of reckless spontaneity that make life both interesting and incredibly fun.

I am home now and I am more relaxed and zen about pretty much everything so lets hope it stays that way.

Loves
Wendy xx

Liberation...

I have finally managed to cut some rather damaging binds from my life as of late and I have to say that to have finally found the courage and strength within myself to do so has started making the difference. I am sick of having to restrain exactly what I think or have to say just because some minor acquaintance may not like it for whatever reason. To be honest if you want to be like that about something that was none of your business to begin with nor was it your place to say anything due to your rather obvious lack of evidence and only going by your own experiences, then chances are you were not worthy of my time in the first place and I was better off just taking what you say with a pinch of salt.

I am not going to give people the satisfaction anymore in allowing them to get to me nor allowing people to try and train me on their leash for whatever reason. I am me. DEAL WITH IT. Accept me for who I am. If you can't then quite frankly you can go and fuck yourselves because I am not going to stop being who I am. A bit aggressive I know but I am getting sick of people looking down their noses at me or trying to make me doubt both myself and the team of specialists who take care of me for my various conditions. So the moral to the story to anyone who wants to assume they know all about medicine, unless you have been to medical school. DON'T. You will KILL or seriously injure someone.

I am reminded of when my psych actually told me to tell a certain someone that because he was trying to make trouble and had been handing out prescription medicines like Smarties. Not to mention that they were his MOTHER's tablets and not his own, but I digress. The result of that was that someone I knew wound up in the throes of an addiction that almost destroyed his life. All because of the Dr Internet way of thinking.

Now, I myself have gone through a battery of tests and we are still trying to work out what the cause of the deformity in the lumbar area of my spine is, amongst other problems such as my asthma and recurrent chest infections. My back pain could be anything from a birth defect to the result of some weakness or injury exacerbated by osteoporosis, a condition I have acquired due to the fact that over the last 3 years I have been taking a large dose of the steroid medication, Prednisolone. The effects of this have been well documented over the years. My bone density has been reduced significantly and as a result my bones break so easily, not something that is particularly pleasant, but we are working on trying to strengthen my bones. Either way, as soon as this is fixed, I will be a lot happier and will be glad to not have pain or loss of sensation in my legs as this can be troublesome and can be the result of countless embarrassing situations. (Stumbling and knocking over a cup in a crowded room being one of them!)

But as for people who want to cause trouble and make me feel inferior or bad about myself for being open about things (or even something as petty as they don't like that they could be wrong about something), they can go and fuck themselves. I have a lot of people in my life. Good people. Who make me feel like I am a part of what they do and they genuinely care about me and my wellbeing. I am better off without people who decide that because they are in a bad mood, then the rest of the world should be, or go crying to other people then complain when it all goes up in smoke or they got proven wrong.

Last night I really had a chance to let my hair down and feel like a 23 year old again, not a 73 year old. Yes I have health problems, and yes I am in pain. BUT why should I sit around the house moping and wallowing in self pity when I could be out making a life for myself for a change? If you think about it, it makes more sense to go and enjoy life, make the most of things and stop looking for reasons to have a go at other people because you're having a bad day.

On my bad days, I like to just relax, watch some DVDs or find something to at least make me smile and there are lots of things that can do just that. From a group of us in a nightclub singing "It's My Life" at the top of our lungs to a simple gesture such as Tom taking off his prized reaper pendant and putting him around my neck. There is a lot of beautiful moments to be had, if you let them.

Oh and one final thing, before you make any assumptions, I am not referring at all to you Steven. I am sorry, but I am moving on with my life and dealing with other sources of unhappiness in my life.

Loves
Wendy xx

I WILL Go Out Tonight...

I am making a promise to Tom, his wonderful friends and most of all to myself that I will not let this thing beat me and stop me from going out tonight and having fun in celebration of both Tom and Tina's birthdays. My asthma just isn't playing ball this morning and I woke again feeling chesty and a little bit wheezy. Which when you think about it, is so not me. I haven't had night time symptoms and morning symptoms like this in a rather long time and everyone, including my GP seems to think that this is because my consultant decided that rather than leaving things as they were, if not a little unstable, but more stable than now, he decided to try and reduce my medications for no other reason than NHS costs.

To me that just doesn't sit right. Yes, I am aware that at 23 a medications list of nearly 20 drugs seems a bit odd, but that is the way things are. Now I have accepted it, my GP has accepted it (and refused to take me off the Singulair as I really did begin to drop) and everyone else has accepted it. Why can't my consultant? It just seems a bit daft really to put someone, who he has had to prove the point of asthma to countless times using my CT scan and showing me the effects of it all on my other test results, in that much danger. Or maybe I seem to be missing the point?

I guess today I am getting a bit frustrated and annoyed that rather than getting better as promised, I seem to be getting more and more symptomatic and its having such an effect on me. I feel like a failure because I seem to be dropping again and I don't know what I did wrong for all of this to happen. I think feeling frustrated is completely natural and not wanting to push the envelope further seems to be my way of thinking. I don't want to go in to hospital, whether it is for the proposed planned admission or an emergency one. It just isn't the right time for me at the moment, what with Hope having a stroke, Tom's birthday, finalising the property adjustment order which should happen this week, and other appointments and other things that need to be done. I have a life and I can't just drop it to sit around on a ward all day without any medicine at all and just getting worse and worse and not being allowed to make myself more comfortable just to see what will happen.

I know asthma isn't the "In" thing with doctors at the moment and the trend is to try and disprove asthma, even in cases such as mine where it has been confirmed several times over. Is that not more of a waste of NHS money and time than trying to find something that is less like putting a plaster on it. Or maybe I am just ranting because I am feeling tired, my chest hurts a lot and I just don't have the time for any of it at the moment as I am THAT busy over the next 4 weeks with appointments for this... appointments for that... and then trying to make time to just rest for a while.

The property adjustment order is taking a while to finalise and we don't know why. We have been told that as we have started the process that the property is definitely just my tenancy and I don't have to worry that someone will try and usurp my home because he is throwing his toys out of the pram in a "if I don't get it, no one will" game. It is probably just the council taking their time as they had to remove my allocation of points from his application and reassess him. Why my name was on there and my signature forged, I do not know, and to be honest, I really do not want to know now, it has nothing to do with me. I do not want to be on the housing list. I have a place. I LIKE my place and I refuse to give it up because someone else thinks I should.

OK so I have ranted a bit, but I needed to get a few things off my chest so that I don't need to worry about things and I can maybe concentrate on making myself feel a bit less sick so that I can enjoy some time with my boyfriend and his friends without my asthma limiting me as it always tries to.

Loves
Wendy xx

A Mental Kick Up The Arse...

I like it when life does that. You get thrown what one would consider to be a curve ball, but it actually works out pretty good because after like 13 years or something like that, you finally manage to get some emotional closure on an issue, event or even person who has been bugging you for so long that it soon begins to feel like you are carrying some giant boulder over your shoulder and then it really does start to feel like you're carrying something that seems to get heavier the longer you have it.

I think the issue that had been distressing me most was the issue of an absent parent who left me with more emotional scars than the sibling that left various physical ones and permanent injuries to parts of my body. As a result of the things that happened, I was left with various scars, damage to my ribcage from multiple undetected fractures which from a test were shown to be inflicted from ages as young as 11 and 12 years old. Damage to the bones in my throat, and lower spine, damage to discs and a curve in my spine with means that I walk and stand at a slant and not to mention damage to my facial bones from where I was hit in the face by people. For someone whose "family" would like to assume that my childhood was free any physical and emotional abuse, I seem to have a LOT of unexplained injuries don't I?

One of the damages to my lower spine was an accident and my eldest brother would NEVER have thought of injuring me like that deliberately. It is a shame that prompt treatment was never provided for whatever reason as I would have been spared the permanent damage to the lower part of my spine which can be so painful some days that even simply walking to the toilet can be excruciating and those days I have to use a crutch to get around, lest I lose sensation in my legs again. This could mean I could need surgery on this sooner rather than later. I don't blame my brother for the accident. He was a kid and he never meant any harm. My mother should have known better and should have gotten a spinal injury like that seen to, and I am told that I have been lucky that the small fractures had not caused me to become paralysed.

I think just lately, I have been re-evaluating the relationships in my life and cutting away the people who have caused me nothing but harm, heartache and making me feel very unimportant and disallowed to get the help I need for the complex assortment of physical and mental health problems that I have been left with as a direct result of people who I should have been able to trust and who should have helped me when I needed it. I then decided that maybe people like that should not be allowed a part in the life I have, as it would be their ambition to tear away everything I have and whittle me down to a small girl who would never be able to have her own life. Not how I ever want to be. Ever Again.

So my new family seems to comprise of my Nan Jordan who pretty much raised all 3 of us at one stage or another, although myself and my middle brother never lived there, she was more of a maternal instinct in our lives, regardless of what anyone else would say. My Auntie Rose who has always stayed in touch with me and kept me up to date, not to mention her husband and my Uncle Anthony and their little child, Daniel. My Brother Richard who has always looked out for me and helped when I needed it, we have had the usual fights siblings have, but he has always treated me like a sister and not a physical and emotional punching bag as well as his little children Katie who is becoming a right little madam and Lincoln, the new baby of the family. Throughout my childhood, Nan, Auntie Rose and Richard were among the few people who saw through what my mother wanted other people to see and think as to where my injuries were coming from. If he had seen it, I know Rich would have stopped our other brother from doing what he was doing.

My family has gotten bigger lately. Now I am with Tom, I have been accepted in to his fold with his housemates and as a part of the family by Joey and their son Oliver along with Joey's new partner Dave. I am honoured that I was called Oliver's Step Mum the other day and that really did bring a smile to my face.

It has taken me a long time, but I have finally found my niche in life and its amazing. Even though certain people want to see this life crumble and fall at my feet, I know for a fact that the way things are now is permanent and I never want that to change ever again.

"I will not stray. I will trust this love and with it keep on living."

Loves

Wendy xx

A Badger Short of a Mushroom...

That seems to sum me up really doesn't it? I mean it's been nearly 4 years since I left home and I still seem to live off instant noodles, sleep at least 15 hours a day and read more books in a week than a few people would read in a lifetime. I still play computer games and I still love cookie dough ice cream. You would think after everything I would have been moulded in to something (or someone) completely different. Instead, it seems that my personality has remained unchanged down to it's core, just hidden behind different medications and masked away.

Just lately, I have been taking a lot of time out to just be well, me. Whether that is just shutting myself in my room for some quiet time, playing with my pets or just chilling out with some sewing to pass some time before I do something else. I will admit, since signing off and getting my DLA sorted, it has been nice to not to worry about money or what the next thing I have to sell to make ends meet is. It has relieved some of the pressure off me and I feel a lot less stressed out by the pressures to find a job when I knew myself that a job would not be something I could cope with. Or the depressing (and sometimes distressing) New Deal option. When I did that last year, I was promised a qualification and maybe even a job. I ended the 13 week course deflated and having my ass kicked by my asthma. It was the autumn and getting colder too so my asthma was reaching it's worst time of the year.

Every winter since I was 18, my asthma has continued to deteriorate a little more each year. This has been largely down to the rise in colds, flu and some pretty vicious bacteria from 2 places. Although I do not go to places like that anymore, that damage has already been done and is irreversible. So it has left me with about 40% of my lungs not working as well as they should be. My last lung function test was about 58% which I was obviously not happy with, where as about 4 years ago it was about 85% and my asthma was a lot easier to control. Last year, it was about 67% so there has been a significant drop, but there has been good reversibility so that is at least something.

I hope that this year that I won't suffer the chest infections that seemed never ending, the almost weekly A and E trips and the rest of it that made me feel worse about my situation.

Loves
Wendy xx

Hope...

After the shock of Alphonse's sudden departure and everything else that went with that, it was a massive shock to find that poor Hope was a little worse for wear at the weekend. It had been a warm day on Saturday and myself and Tom had taken a trip to see my family back in Stafford, it was a brilliant day and I finally got to see my new nephew, Lincoln.

We had gotten back rather late and had settled down to some anime and powering down before bed, until I had gone to check what the lads were up to, 3 boars never usually means quiet by any stretch of the imagination, so to see Patch and Ichigo cuddled up together in a corner, I found it strange that they were missing one. Poor Hope was lying on his side, twitching and a large amount of goo around his eyes. It looked like the poor little mite had suffered a stroke before we had gotten back, so he had stabilised at least.

I carefully and gently scooped him up in to my arms and a blanket and cuddled him as he began to rouse, carefully letting him have some water and food as he was probably starving and starting to dehydrate. We were scared that he wouldn't make the night, but it was fortunate that wasn't the case. He began to recover and by then was squeaking loudly at me.

That was 4 days ago and I am really happy to say that he is almost back to nortmal, pestering his cagemates and making sure that he gets more than enough food and water. I do feel better knowing that he will recover very quickly and will soon be back to 100% normality. He has been a bit more clingy towards me as of late and tends to make a lot of noise until he gets cuddles, I guess there is nothing like saving a small creature's life to strengthen the bond.

It's been very tense lately and a lot has gone on. That last post was made on the advice of a psychologist and it gave me a well needed chance to finally say what I needed to, to seal and contain the past exactly where it should be.

The plan this weekend is to enjoy myself with friends and my loved one, return on Monday and begin another happy week with my DLA coming in on Tuesday, which will mean that I can get my next couple of series of Naruto. Over the last week, I watched the first 4 series one after the other, lapping up the story and enjoying the characters. OK so Naruto himself can be infuriating, but as time goes on, he kind of begins to grow on you. My favourite character Kakashi is becoming even more facinating and I really want to find out the origins of his Sharingan eye, inherited from his dying friend Obito Uchiha. I want to find out what the story is there and what happened to the squad.

Ah well, I seem to be babbling again!

Loves
Wendy xx

Freedom...

After everything in my life that has ever happened, I have been at the point of some of the worst and even some of the best of human behaviour that has ever been encountered. People who have walked in and out of my life, tried to understand me, but have been unable to, either through their own ignorance or arrogance but have never even stopped to ask me what I really thought or how I  really felt about things. Never assume. 

I say this because I have noticed a number of people trying to work out how I felt over the last few years. Ever since a young age, I have battled various demons and always had to play the "good little girl" for my parents who to be quite frank should have never been allowed to have kids in the first place. My mother was a mess and never admitted her own doing in anything and my father, well I would rather not give him the smug satisfaction in reading what I really feel. I have allowed myself the time privately to tell him exactly what I feel, despite the head games he and my "brother" like to play. 

If I really wanted to, I would say that my violent outbursts or angry tendencies would come from the fact that people have tried to control me through fear, either by making something that should be seen as a good thing (I.E: making me feel worse about being unwell or PUNISHING me for being in hospital (no matter what spin you want to put on it, it happened DEAL WITH IT FOR FUCKS SAKE!!) or making me feel unentitled to what benefits I was allowed) and then playing a victim when your arrogance and ignorance made me feel cornered. That is the in and of it. I was always just defending myself from people, yes I have been wrong, I will admit that, but I have always been a product of my environment. 

My plea now is to the people from the past who I would rather not talk to, and those people I have made this (hopefully) very clear, if not I will tell you who you are. 

LEAVE ME ALONE. I DO NOT WISH TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ANY OF YOU. STAY AWAY FROM ME. STAY AWAY FROM MY HOME AND STAY AWAY FROM MY FAMILY. YOU ARE NOTHING TO ME. YOU HAD ALL THE CHANCES IN THE WORLD TO BE IN MY LIFE AND NO MATTER HOW YOU SPIN IT, YOU BLEW IT YOURSELVES AND IF YOU WANT TO BLAME ME THEN FINE, THAT IS YOUR PROBLEM AND NOT MINE. 

And to Steven, if you have not already got this:

CHEW OVER THE PAST AS MUCH AS YOU LIKE, GO NUTS! BUT DO NOT AND I REPEAT DO NOT EXPECT ME TO LISTEN TO A WORD THAT COMES FROM YOU AND IF I SEE YOU ANYWHERE NEAR MY HOME AGAIN (YES I DID SEE YOU SKULKING AROUND THE OTHER DAY) THERE WILL BE POLICE AT YOUR DOOR FOR HARASSMENT. THIS IS A VERY PUBLIC WARNING. HEED IT. YOU DO NOT INTIMIDATE ME, I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU. 

AND AS FOR YOUR "WARNINGS" TO TOM, FRANKLY HE HAS KNOWN ME A FUCK LOAD LONGER THAN YOU EVER HAVE AND HE KNOWS MY PAST ALMOST BETTER THAN I DO. 

I know I promised myself no more personal politics, but to be honest, I am getting rather sick of a lot of this and I just reached a point of nearly burning over. That would never be healthy and I have a lot to deal with as it is. My psych has advised me to confront people myself and tell them exactly what I want. And to be honest, typing all of this has been like having a huge boulder taken off my back, and it was been one that has been sitting there for too long and threatening to destroy my confidence and my wellbeing.

Now to enjoy the company of some wonderful people and on to a celebration of Tom's birthday!

Loves

Wendy xx