I did it!

I got through today, but it really hasn't been easy and I ended up nebbing every 2 hours, not unusual, but luckily I didn't go acute enough to need hospital treatment, not just yet anyway. I think the time has come to make a visit to my lovely GP, Dr P, and see what he says about all this.

Love ya all and thanks for reading x

Hanging on by a thread.

Today, my asthma just isn't going to play ball today. At all and whatsoever. Which leads me to think that another admission could well be on the cards, not a positive thought, but at least it's realistic. I don't mind being in hospital when I need to be, I mean you meet some interesting new people and at least I'll be given something to make me feel better. And at the moment, ANYTHING is better than this.

 It started with my usual barking cough, then on Friday, it started developing a little bit of a rattle, and I was getting tired more easily than usual. I was also getting this sort of ripping pain whenever I took the smallest breath in. So me being me, I took some painkillers rested and hoped that that would be the worst of it, go to sleep and wake up feeling better. I was wrong, yesterday, it was worse, I was wheezy, nebbing every 4 hours and generally feeling terrible so I upped my pred to 20mg. That did help, but today, I just don't seem to be able to get hold of it. So my plan is, keep going as is, and if it gets worse, which for some reason I can see happening all too well, do the 9's and get abducted by the wonderful people of the West Midlands Ambulance Service.

I have a lot of respect for the people who work tirelessly for all the Ambulance Services across the UK. They really do work long hours saving the lives of people who need them, and it makes me angry when you hear about hoax calls or people calling them just because they're the easiest medical service to access. I wonder if they understand that the ambulance that could attend them could be attending a scene in which someone's life could really be in danger.

That's my rant over for now at least. Hopefully after this Ventolin/Atrovent- Ventolin only session, I'll feel better, if not then I will keep you all posted.

Look after yourselves this Halloween!

Love ya muchly

Wendy x

HEHE!

Sephiroth riding a chocobo.

This is something I did this weekend just because I was a little bored and wanted to work on my Final Fantasy sleeve. I looked all over the web for an image to go with one I found of Cloud on a chocobo. I wasn't sure what until I was thinking about it and thought "Hey, why not have Sephiroth on a black chocobo!" So I set out at once to find the perfect image, but couldn't find one exactly how I wanted it, so instead, I got my pencils out and drew my own.

My medicine

This is all the medication I use in just one day. 3 inhalers.Ventolin. Symbicort and Atrovent. As well as up to 4 Atrovent nebs. 6 Ventolin nebs, 20mg tablet of Bambec, 10mg Singulair, 5mg Prednisolone. 150mg Sertraline, 100 mg Seroquel.

Another lazy Saturday...

Its something I have a lot of, 'Lazy Saturday's'. Days where nothing is really going on, and it's so quiet you can hear a pin-drop. I spent it pottering around and with Steve, cleaned the flat and it made me happier because when my emotional space and home felt crowded and chaotic. I get a little panicky because it just feels horrible and scary when your room is a mess.

I then settled in to doing some MSN chat with some friends and checking over my email and what have you. Not the most exciting thing you can do in a day, but it just feels awesomely amazing to be back in touch with my friends again, I really didn't think I'd miss them THIS much.

Just as I was getting in to that frame of mind, my friend Ant called, he popped round and we had a good time, I showed him some of my works and he showed me some of his music, he writes some beautiful instrumentals on his keyboard, it makes me jealous at times, I must say.

As for me, I have had a horrible wheezy cough since Thursday and its bugging me. Took a peak flow and it was 210 l/min. For me, it should be 430 l/min so you can see that for me this is a cause for concern, so here I was wondering what to do, powering through inhalers, nebs and raising my pred again to 20mg, until Monday at least, or until I feel well enough to reduce back down. I'll see the doctor later, unless of course it settles down or goes away by itself... yeah OK that was dumb!

Somebody once asked me about my medication consumption so I decided to show just how much I use. Hope you find it interesting when I can finally post it!

Love ya muchly!

Wendy

Thoughts.

Today, I've been thinking a lot, and decided to get back in touch with an old friend. Me and Stacey fell out some time ago over, well, I don't think it really matters what over. It felt good though to have one of my closest 'gal-pals' back, almost like we had never fallen out.

Looking at things from an objective perspective, I realized that life is so short, fragile and not something to be taken for granted and our bodies are really something to love and cherish, not to be abused with poisonous chemicals or damaged with self destructive habits. Yes I would be the first to admit, I used to self-harm, the scar on my left arm sits as testimony, but last year, I learned how easy life is to take away.

I suppose my advice for anyone who does this or feels the need to do so would be to get help, don't suffer in silence. Even if it is just calling a help-line or writing it down. It all helps, even if it doesn't feel like it would at first.

Doing this blog is part of my on-going therapy, and a way to look back at where I was before and where I'm going. I want to turn my bi-polar disorder to something so positive, and even if it only reaches 1 other person, I will feel like my mission is done.

Love ya

Wendy

Today...

Today has been an interesting sort of day, luckily its been very quiet. I like it when its quiet. It started, as most days do, with my medication alarm going off. I have this alarm set at 10 AM and 10PM and I use what ever medication I need. In the mornings, this is 150mg of Sertraline (an SSRI anti-depressant), 5mg of Prednisolone (commonly referred to as 'Pred', a steroid tablet) and my inhalers. Peak flow was off a little, but I wasn't that bad so I thought nothing of it.

And everything was fine, until about 2, I got a little wheezy and couldn't settle it again with inhalers, so I had no option but to visit with my old friend, Ned. Ned, it should be noted is the cute name we give to my Freedom Freeway nebuliser. After this I felt better, even more so when Steve's little brother, Luke came to visit with his sister, Catherine and friend, Brad, that was fun it really made the day brighter.

Now, its a case of 4 hourly's and watch out if things get worse.

Love ya muchly

Wendy

The beginning... my first steps.

This is the beginning of a new journey, and I'm full of questions.

Where will it take me?
How will I get there?
How will I know when I'm there?
How long will it take?

Its a lot really to be wondering about but I'm sure as time goes on, I'll know the answers.

You see I hit a bit of a wall in my life earlier this year and it really shocked me. Going from a slender, independant and mature young woman to bloated and scared to leave the boundaries of my front door for fear of people's judgements and comments. I'd all but given up on having what one would call a 'normal' life, spending most of my time in hospital, after the struggle to get me out of my safe place, either on the wards, staying for up to 2 weeks at a time, go home for a couple of days then the cycle began again, or the 4 hour long waiting to get better, or at least well enough to sleep in my own bed. Slipping deeper in to my depression and harming myself intentionally just because I felt bad about feeling bad. Sounds miserable doesn't it?

But then again, I don't think I had it any worse than anyone else. I don't now or never have or ever will. There are two young women who I admire and respect for their struggles with Interstitual Lung Disease and how well they have coped, staying strong. I am proud to have spoken to them on occasion and they really are extraordinary.

My main problems were learning to cope with it all. Cope with physical illness and constant pain, infection after infection (some of which were nasty pneumonias) which caused some minor scarring in my lungs as well as the emotional side, the urges to do some downright horrid things to myself just for what I thought would be atonement, nights of not sleeping and blaming myself for everything that was wrong. I have learned and I started giving myself various outlets.

What changed? Well I did. I made the decisions to strive for accurate diagnosis to what was making it so hard to breathe at times, get the treatment to help and make me feel better and gradually I started to feel better and I became me again. I realised my dreams and am looking forward to my new path in nursing. I gave myself outlets through art and music to relieve the pressure, playing in a band is one of the most fun things I've ever done and Omen Shadow are wonderful people to work with.

Well I took my first steps, now for the rest of the Journey.