Keeping On Top...

At the moment the aim of the game seems to be a case of keeping on top of everything. From housework and household bills to making sure that all my medications are taken when I need to take them. On my own it can become too easy to get sloppy and forget to do things or adopt a "I'll do it later" kind of attitude then before you know where you are, you're 6 months in arrears with one company and another one is calling to collect the bills. Its been nice that over the last month or so, I have stopped getting the snotty letters or phone calls from people asking where they're money is. And I am happy to say, I don't miss any of that.

When I was left to be on my own, I think I kind of hid the amount of bills left over and just kind of lived for today, kind of thing. I have been concentrating just lately in getting rid of those pesky debts from my student years and my gap year which before seemed insurmountable. The worst of all was the arrears the we had from the YMCA. I am happy to hold up my hand and say that yes I was as responcible for the arrears on 66 Knowle as they were. And I agree with Jayne that I should only pay my half of 66 Knowle and NOT any arrears for 23b, as I was only there for a few weeks and it was NOT my tenancy so we agreed that I only have to pay the £134.00 or so for my share of that. This is a relief as I was worried that I would be paying towards a debt that isn't mine. I am doing this all in one go on the 10th of August so at least I am off the hook for that one.

After that comes my payments for Penny who helped me when I needed it. Again this is about £100 a month which is manageable and again helps to clear my bills and my conscience. I always feel bad in asking other people for help. This is just the way that I was raised. I was raised to never ask or accept help or charity from other people and it is more honourable to struggle on your own. That was a load of and was far too stressful to do. We all work better as teams instead of individual factions.

With how things are going and the extra income from ESA, DLA and Severe Disablement Allowance, I can also be happy to say that by the end of next year, all being well that my Halifax Credit card and Barclaycard  will also be things of the past and I will be able to boost my credit rating and be a free woman. I am hoping that as soon as they are out of the way then myself and Tom can look to a bright and happy future together in each other's company for many years to come.

Loves
Wendy xx

My Random Little Rants...

I notice these days that I tend to have some little, and often rather funny rants, on my blog, twitter, facebook, even with people face to face. They're never anything sinister mind you, just me vocalising what I think about X, Y and Z and maybe, if you were to look hard enough you may see one of those fabled kernels of wisdom about life, the universe and pretty much anything. I mean, I do blog about pretty much everything don't I? From a catalog of what my ex boyfriend did to me, to what treatments I have undergone or am going to be having for my various conditions.

Over all it has been, and I hope it remains to be, a lot of fun and sometimes theraputic to write my thoughts and what ever has been bothering me.

Yesterday it had been a case of my chest acting its usual unfriendly self and trying to socialise Kadaj. I have had him for a while now and he still doesn't like humans to hold or stroke him, screeching or even trying to bite. And then the fun of him getting loose and having to chase this fast and aggressive creature down. I guess its a mark of the cruelty he has experienced in life. Gaara is a bit calmer now and just likes to make as much noise as he possibly can! It is really cute, but not at 5 in the morning when you just want to get some sleep, and let your body not kick five ways from Sunday.

I did have a lovely visit in the form of Tom, Joey and Dave and of course Oliver. It really did make me feel a lot brighter and I enjoy these visits, but it is fair to say that we are all happy with our situation, 4 adults and one lovely child, all happily getting along and acting as a family unit. I have never been so blessed than I am right this moment, yes there are problems and I have really been not myself today, but you know what, I wouldn't trade anything at all with my life right now.

Today my asthma has been at its worst and I have struggled pretty much with everything and been feeling bad about it as I was planning to go out this evening. But I am accepting that these things happen and not taking it as a reflection on myself, but more the fact that I came down with a bug and it did whatever these things tend to do. Maybe tomorrow will hold something better. One could hope.

Loves
Wendy xx

Customer Service?

Last week, I decided that I was fed up of not having any way of listening to my music anywhere other than the living room. Unless of course I used my laptop, but the speakers are a bit crappy it has to be said. That and I enjoy listening to CDs while I take a bath or get dressed in a morning. And when cleaning my room, and my laptop provides too much distraction with Twitter and Facebook and I forget what it was I was supposed to be doing. So I decided it was time I got a small boombox for the bedroom.

At first I had gone to Argos and saw a cheap and, what I thought would be, cheerful little Bush device. It was shiny and black and really suited the mood of the room. At £26.99, I also thought it was a reasonable price. I brought it and took it home, plugged it in and chose a CD. I pressed Play and was about to enjoy listening to a CD that I enjoy. Linkin Park's "A Thousand Suns". The sound wasn't the best, which I thought was a little disappointing, then at random it started missing out tracks. Now anyone who knows this album will know that all the tracks blend together to create a deep and well thought out concept. I had assumed it was an accidental knock on the program button so at first wrote it off as such.

It carried on doing this and it bemused me. The next morning, it refused to play at all. I would put a CD in, it would spin for a few minutes and then either come up with the wrong amount of songs (said a 6 track CD only had 3 tracks) and then played as though it was underwater?! I was thinking WTF? And I had assumed that in my haste I had forgotten to keep the box. I was glad to have found it, I must say. I took it back today and the cheeky sod at the desk asked me if I wanted "The same again?". I declined, as politely as one does when you want to call the guy a cheeky little shit! I was glad when he offered me (very apologetically) my money back. And with it I did spend about £7 on my guinea pigs so that they could have some new toys.

Luckily I had brought a new CD player from Tesco. This one was about £5 more than the other one, but it had an Ipod dock, a remote and I knew I would be able to trust it, as I have had some Technika stuff before now and it hasn't been half bad, OK so it isn't THE best there is, but on a budget and for something I only wanted to listen to in bed or in the bath, it certainly does the job.

Loves
Wendy xx

Remembering...

Just lately I have started to remember who I am. Remembering that the illness is only a small and insignificant part of me. The rest of me comes from the surface. The real me. The real Wendy who would walk around in a corset because it felt sexy and just that little bit naughty. Or the girl who would just do her own thing because she felt like it or would be able to figure out ANY problem with technology. Even the most awkward ones where you have to hack in to the bare bones of the computer just to get it all working as it should again.

I think as I have made the transition from being in one relationship to another, I have re-discovered this whole part of me that I had long since forgotten about. Things I like. Things the make me thing "That is cool". and those things that really make me passionate. Re-discovering some old anime programmes that I used to watch and still thinking that Kimimaro still looks the dead spit of Sephiroth. This did amuse me however and I did have a good giggle about that. Naruto is becoming weirder, yet so much more facinating and compelling a watch.

I re-discovered corsetry. It makes me feel so feminine when I wear my new corset and with my long raven black hair, it looks stunning. I just need to find the right bottoms and accessories then I have the look down. In September we plan to go to Camden for some clothes shopping so I can find more pretty goth clothes and continue to find my old self and get back to how smart I used to dress. Blazers, trousers and nice tops were the order of the day, rather than baggy and untidy.

So now, for Hope, Alphonse and above all, myself. I am going to keep going. I am going to get stronger and i am going to prove it to myself that I am more than what I became because of my circumstances. I am going to live. For me. For Tom and for the animals I care for. My friends and extended family will help me be what I was always supposed to be instead of a mess or a nervous wreck.

This is my resolve. And with it I refuse to give up and let people push me down or hold me back anymore. I cared so much about what so-called friends had to say about me and proving to them the problems that we all knew were there and were making me so miserable. If they didn't want to listen or believe me, then that is their problem. Just because they don't want to believe it then it doesn't make it not true and I would be foolish to stop using my medicine or walking aids to keep them from slagging me off or criticizing me. If I didn't need them then they would not have given them to me. Or if they thought at any time they were inappropriate they would have taken them back.

We may complain about the NHS, but we know for a fact that they only do what they think is best. Even if at the time, we may not agree with them or what they say, but remember: WHO spent 10 years at medschool? And last time I checked, 10 years at medschool is worth more than 100 years of living with a medical problem, as no 2 sufferers of a problem are EXACTLY the same.

Look at me and Penny. We both have T1BA, but hers and mine behave in different ways and are set off by different triggers. She has allergies and reflux and I don't. My complications come from a low immune system which results in chronic chest infections as an exacerbating factor on top of a few other problems on top of it. Yes we both know a lot about our respective conditions, but none of us profess to be the leading authority on them.  People who think they know everything annoy me and when they get under my skin, it takes a while before I can say "Fuck it", and I am finally at that point. So now I say a huge "Fuck it" to the people who think they're NEVER wrong. To the people who attack without getting the facts straight first. And the people who think they're somehow better than me.

But Thank You to the people who support me. The people who helped me over the years to become the woman I am today. It was you, who showed me who I am. And I thank you. Always.

Loves
Wendy xx

Sadness and Sorrow...

It is with a heavy heart that I write this, but also with a feeling of relief. Hope passed away this weekend after a huge seizure on Friday night. He went peacefully in my arms and I held him as he slipped away from us. He had been very poorly for a while and I think we knew this was coming when he had his first massive seizure about 2 weeks ago. I will never forget my little pink eyed white piggy and the stories he left me with. And of course the rush of love I felt that day when I first held him back at the pet shop.

After Alphonse died, the original plan was get another piggy for Patch. Little did I know that I would fall in love with 2 brothers and later a second piggy who we now know is NOT pregnant as once thought and turned out to be a rather large and sometimes aggressive boar, who is back to his old name, Kadaj. Hope never got on with Kadaj and that would always end in some of the noisiest scraps I had ever witnessed. Admittedly getting my hand between the two of them had been a dumb idea as Hope latched himself on to my finger and wouldn't let go! When we brought him home, he was TINY! Always eating.

Even when he developed his habit of humping all the other two guinea pigs! It was so funny to watch, but I think the others thought he was a pain in the backside. But he was my Hope. He was cheeky, full of naughtiness and energy and constantly after a fuss or affection.I had noticed early on how tiny he was compared to the other pigs, even his own brother was a lot bigger than he was. I fell in love with that tiny little creature and loved to play with him. Even if he was a vocal little guy!

He stayed with us for 7 months until what was thought to be a brain tumor took him away from us. My only regret is that we didn't get too much more time together or his tribute would have been much longer. We laid him to rest today in a woodland area, somewhere close to nature so that he could sleep in peace in a place that is natural and calm. Beautiful. Like he was.

So I leave you now with my favorite photographs of Hope. Gone but like Alphonse, not forgotten. I will be getting another pig soon, but after Patch has had some time to grieve for the loss of his baby as well as us grieving for our loss as well. I love both of my special pigs at the Rainbow Bridge, a place where they all play together and there is plenty of the things they like. Popcorn in peace little ones.

Loves
Wendy xx

Back Clinic Report...

Today I had an appointment with the local Back Pain Clinic at the Alex. This was with a specialist in the area of the back itself and in assessing my spine and what went wrong. It was confirmed today that there is a slight and rather hard to spot curvature in my lower back, however it was missed for so long because of how small it was, but it is there, but won't need any correction.

The big problem I have however is that I have been getting a large amount of pain constantly in my spine (and it was found to be the spine and nerves themselves rather than the muscles surrounding it) and they think that that has been caused by a slipped or damaged disc which will need some intense treatment and more than likely an operation to put this right if the physio or other treatments fail. This is going to be a long process but the end result will be that I will be able to walk again without using a crutch on those days when it was bad. I have been told to use my crutch more than I do already and I will be having an MRI scan done soon to determine the next course of action.

Today has been a lot easier than we thought it would be and I feel better for being brave enough to go and do it. And may I mention that for once in my life, I actually attended and got the best out of an appointment on my own rather than taking someone with me to hold my hand as it were. I felt good about myself for having the strength and courage to get things sorted. I know that is kind of a given, but some days, I feel braver than others, it has to be said.

So now I return home, albeit a little sore and uncomfortable from having someone poke and prod at the parts of my body that hurt the most, but I know this is all part of the process of healing and sorting out the problems, and trust me there is an awful lot of me that needs to be fixed from my screwed up back to my lungs which are slowly getting to the point where there is no more medical intervention for me at home and that does get to me, but I think I am going to make the best of what I have and whatever else can wait really. I have a happy relationship and a good home and group of loyal and caring friends who would do anything for me, if I only asked them to.

I guess what I am trying to say now is that we should all count our blessings and enjoy our lives because we only get one shot at this. So we have to make it count. Live, laugh and feel the sun on your face, cherish the time with those people you love and know in your hearts that you always made the right choices for you, even if at the time everyone was telling you to go another way. I am thankful for the people in my life and even though some days I am in unbearable pain and I get snappy, I don't ever mean to be horrible. So instead of yelling at me or making it worse, hug me. Tell me its OK to feel frustrated. Heck, slap me if I get irrational or vicious about it. I never mean it. I am just in pain and I know I am in pain.

Loves
Wendy xx

Recharging My Batteries...

I think after a week or so of trying my hardest to try and work through a virus and carry on as normal, its finally been getting to me and I hate to admit it, but I really don't feel well at all. Maybe its because it is the first time in years since I was unwell on my own and actually ALLOWED to feel like this that I found it all the more daunting and worrysome. I guess I am still expecting someone to start yelling at me or making me feel worse or like I'm not trying to do things when I am and its plain to see to everyone.

I still have days when I feel like I can't do this and that I think I am failing, but slowly I am learning that it isn't a failure so long as I can still get up off my backside and keep trying. I guess there are days where I struggle more than others and it is hard to know when you're not failing but just doing what you can, when you can. I am a strong person. Only because for so long I had to be strong rather than way back when I was a small girl and I'd not dare show any strength or individuality. I promised myself that I would never let myself be vulnerable or weak ever again and those days remind me that even so, I, like many others out there, have a number of limitations and disabilities.

From problems with my chest and back which make me feel weakened physically and problems with my mental health, which often can and are used as weapons against me. It left me at that point where I stopped opening up or even trying to accept what I am. I have always been teased for the way I stand, walk and my lack of athletic ability. My use of inhalers and other things to make sure I functioned properly and didn't become ill at school. I hid who I was and the things that I liked so that they could stay as something pure for me, and for me alone.

Tom brings me out of my shell and is one of the few people in my life that I have never felt distrustful or hurt by. Even after knowing each other for 6 years or so and being close friends for so long. We needed the dysfunction in our lives in order to grow and mature so that we were both ready when the time had come and when it did come, we were not disappointed. In fact we were able to embrace each other and become something wonderful together. He helped me grow and saved me from myself.

I realise that there has been a lot of mudslinging lately and I for one want no more to do with any of it. Yes I was betrayed, but I was by no means a saint and I am sorry for my part in things. I am not perfect. I am human just like everyone else. I need to be loved and need to trust others in the same way that anyone else does. I make mistakes. Heck I forget to do things just like everyone else, but that is the thing with humans. They make mistakes, and forget things. They hurt each other and themselves. I am not going to drag up the details of mine and Steve or mine and Mike's relationships. What happened in the past is just that and it is honestly time now that it was all put to bed. This is the closest thing I can offer anyone to closure, and for now, it has to be enough because I really don't know what else can be said. I am learning a lot about myself by living alone and it helps me grow and become a real person.

Loves
Wendy xx