I’m back from a bit of a hiatus. It was a bit of a rough summer and I didn’t want to blog about everything as it was getting me down and that’s not what this is. It’s not a “Wendy moans about life” kind of page, more of the ways I’ve worked around the difficult paths and I hope it helps to inspire others. This summer, we lost Marik in May then about a month later we lost Yugi as well. Losing Yugi hit us both especially hard as we had had him for 7 years, he was an old boy but he was our little old man. We then we got new pigs, Sonic, a cheeky youngster (he’s 8 months now) and Percy who is closer to 18 months now. Both pigs are getting on well and are definitely warming up to us.
Now, not something I enjoy speaking about. I spent a lot of time trying to pretend that I didn’t have mental health issues as a teenager but it’s like painting over a crack in the wall. It may look fine for a bit, heck it may even function as normal and not show anything for years until it’s past the point of no return and it becomes a hole or collapses completely. The thing with mental health is the stigma attached to it. That feeling that everyone is looking down on you because you’re struggling in the same environment they aren’t. Or you get people who take great pleasure in pointing out your flaws and constantly reminding you how that makes you less worthy. The amount of times where I’ve have to answer someone along the lines of “yeah, I’m aware of it, it bugs me, so stop reminding me,” it’s like they don’t realise that I do already see these things!
So what if I’m a bit OCD and wash my hands whenever possible or I have my rituals and things I have to do before taking on the world. I’m socially awkward and often find it hard to relate to others but that’s what happens with people who have Asperger’s like me. Bipolar? Yeah that can suck when you get caught in a rapid cycle. Imagine one moment you feel like you could take over the whole world with a pair of underpants on a stick then the next, you feel like everything’s just piled up on your head and you can’t even think about anything.
I started this blog so that I’d have a safe space to talk openly and honestly about things, after a very difficult time where I had attempted a few times to do something awful because I was so depressed and just couldn’t see my life getting past this. I’ve never held it back from people that I’ve got a number of mental health issues and that over the years, some have ebbed and seemed to get easier to cope with as my environment changed but others have been more troubling. Having psychotherapy at the end of last year was pretty intensive but it helped me find some kind of understanding and balance to stop those feelings from overwhelming me. It also helped that I learned better coping mechanisms other than what I was using, mainly self harm, or had used in the past. I used to look at my scars and think that I was weak for doing them where actually I was just desperate to release that scared or sad little girl inside of me.
It’s interesting that so many of us forget that under all our adult façade, there is still a little child in there. That little child needs just as much as the outer adult. It’s OK to do something that helps your inner child, even if it’s just something small like having a moment with a much adored soft toy or watching/listening to something you liked back then. My secret is that sometimes I watch some of the old programmes from when I was small (Trap Door, Thomas (the original model series) or old cartoons), enjoying the familiar sounds and that feeling of safety they gave.
It’s OK to want that.
It’s not harming anyone else.
I guess that’s all for now.
Til all are one.
Wendy xx
