Here we go, Lockdown 3. It's a couple of weeks in and I'm just finding myself getting more and more unsettled and sick of this now. I've not been allowed out for months as I've had to shield, I'm missing my friends, family and the freedom to just go outside, ride around and do simple things like shopping or meeting up with people. It's knowing that it's the right thing to do that keeps me going. After all, my family has already had a tragic loss from the virus, they shouldn't have to have another. Nan wouldn't want me taking risks either. It's still kind of raw. When someone you love dies, it's like something has been forcibly torn from you. I've never really gone through this before, it's still kind of like a horrible nightmare and there are times when I think about it all and feel a surge of sadness and just wanting to go back to those old days where I would follow Nan like a shadow. But the door closed on those days and now I feel like all I can do is watch through the window.
I've been so quiet recently because I'm still going through the grief process. I usually end the year with a post summing everything up but I'm struggling to find the right words to say. I'm still hurting, I miss her so much, even harder that I couldn't see her for too long due to my illnesses. When you have a number of illnesses it's hard to balance them properly. Sometimes you just can't. I have to plan everything, carrying oxygen and meds. I wanted so much to be at the funeral. It hurt that I couldn't go but I know my words were there. Christmas Day I had a doorstep visit from my mum and she gave me something very special, a locket with some of Nan's ashes, yesterday a keychain with her handprint engraved on arrived. It gives me comfort to have them, like she's here with me. I keep her under my pillow so she's there while I sleep.
I think it goes without saying that my mental health hasn't exactly been too good recently. I'm struggling with the limitations and changes my body has. I struggle with the fact that even getting up and transferring to my chair can be tough. My back recently has been bothering me, it's difficult to explain what happens but sometimes I get spasms that start at my neck and run through to my hips. The thing with Spastic Paraplegia is that I can't comfortably have my legs straight. This has been an issue ever since I could remember (kind of hard to forget when your Mum had to forcibly stretch your legs out several times a day, ouch!) and as a result, if I sleep with my legs straight for long periods, well you can imagine it. It's rather rough. My asthma is flaring too so I'm finding things a bit tiring right now, thankful though for Animal Crossing as it's been a welcome distraction and it's been good to kind of get out of my own head for a bit, even if it's just an avatar running around a make-believe island.
Last year, I had an infection and it lasted for months, I'm just hoping that this isn't going to try the same trick.
Til all are one
Wendy xx
