I'm still trying to make myself accept what happened to this year and how badly the virus affected so many families and it continues to do so. To say that 2020 has been a difficult year would be a massive understatement and it has definitely tested me as a person, my determination to keep going and my relationships with people. Its been hard not to be able to go out and see my friends and family, its been mentally exhausting living between getting supermarket slots and trying to get the most out of a 95 item basket limit and worrying when I couldn't even get anything and had to rely on the food parcels handed out by the government, which only really give enough food for one person when there are two of us here. I've felt isolated as the lockdowns and shielding have both limited where I was able to go and why. Over all, its been a year where I have felt more contained than ever.
I would be lying if I said that my mental health hasn't taken its share of knocks. I've started working with psychology and psychiatry again to get me back on track but it's a rough ride at the moment with frustrations about the current situation, plus issues with pain and my downstairs parts not quite working properly (waiting to see Gynecology about that, have a scan up coming as well to check on the cysts and fibroid, but we also believe that endometriosis has also been causing many issues too). I confess, my health has been an all-around issue and it's not something that I can physically do about it myself. So seeing specialists will be a big part of the next 12 months going forward. Of course, my asthma has been it's usual self, I'm just glad to have my own nebuliser rather than having to rely on going to hospital, which would've been dangerous.
The hardest thing for me personally, was that when my family was suffering at it's deepest, I wasn't able to be there in person. It broke my heart knowing that I couldn't say goodbye to my Nan the way that I would have wanted. We did mark the occasion ourselves by playing her music and I told Jace stories of happy times, Christmasses and Birthdays and even times when I was just happy that I was at Nan's and was happy. I'm just thankful to have those golden memories that I can look back on and smile. I also had some precious momentos as well and those are going to be treasured forever, just as they were when they sat on Nan's dressing table at Baggots Oak. She's not gone, not really. She's always going to be a part of me and now I feel like she'll be watching over all of us, much like when we were small. I know she is one of the people who made me who I am and encouraged me to be creative, musical and how to sew and do crafts. So thats how I honour her memory.
It's been hard and it still feels like a massive piece of me is missing. I want to wake up some days only to find it was all a bad dream and that shes safe in her home being cared for. It does get easier but it never really leaves you. I'd never really experienced grief for someone like this before and how deeply it hurts still surprises me and still makes me think "wow... I never knew..." And it's true, until you experience it for yourself you don't know in yourself how you would feel about it. For 32 years, she was always there. of I have to fogure out how to live without that safety net. I'm just glad I still have my Mum and Aunty Rose. They are the ones who have had to be strongest through all this and they made me very proud. As for me, I'm taking everything one step at a time. One day at a time.
So for now, I'm just making the best of the whole situation and making sure we're both getting everything we need.
Til all are one.
Wendy xx
