Always Move Forward.

In my situation it would be so easy to have a million posts about how crap things get. Maybe it's just the part of my mind that thinks that it's a lot more rewarding and pleasing to keep things positive and if needs be, find a positive if it's not readily available. I notice that people who post about how miserable they are and every twinge don't really get sympathy the more they do it. Sympathy is pointless, it doesn't fix the problem and it makes us forget that we need to put the work in ourselves too.

I'm not saying that people ought not grumble because we all have grumbles and gripes but there's a difference between a little gripe to constant moaning. We get it. Poor health and pain sucks but you can't let that define you as an individual. We are not an illness that just happens to have a person. We don't need to be obsessively checking every tiny symptom or scaring ourselves with "Dr Google". As admittedly you do need to monitor some illnesses but other than that being too alarmist about it will only mean that one day you could become ill and no one will listen (think boy who cried "wolf"). 

But in some way I think that hypochondria is a serious condition, along with Munchausen's. It recently came up in a support group about someone who told out and out lies about having a medical problem and it upset a lot of people. I think these people are in need of some kind of help to identify why they are so desperate to fill a need with a pretend illness (sometimes it can be something basic like only getting attention as a child when you were sick or people telling you that you're ill and weak so they can control you). Maybe it's because I live with illnesses that make me feel rubbish most days that it does get to me to see someone pretending to be ill when all I want is to get better and not need 20+ medications (probably nearly 50 pills a day, plus liquid morphine, inhalers and nebs and oxygen) just to be able to do things.

The thing is, I know Im not the worst case out there, there are people who are worse than I am and every day is a blessing because it's another day I'm still here and still fighting to survive. If someone said to me "take this and you will never have your problem again" I would with no hesitations. I'd love to be able to do things I loved and go back to work (I miss working as it really did feel lovely to open the bank account, see a wage and think "I earned that" rather than having to rely on the state) and not spend days just flopped about waiting to get well. That day may come, it may not. Of course I would grab it with both hands if someone offered me that chance but for now, my "job" is staying alive.

Jace has been helping me do that, from medications to making sure that if I'm tired, I rest a little. I know it's been challenging for him on days where even though I need to stay in bed, I've just wanted to flit about and do things, main things we did recently was having a complete clear out. Just getting rid of the things I don't need or use, giving away things that can be used again and throwing away the junk because I do have a hoarding instinct at times (typical part of OCD) and it's a challenge to keep that in check. I had to ask myself why I couldn't let go of things, there wasn't much reason for it in most cases and it had just been there at the time. Usually I hoard books, DVDs, drawing stuff and little trinkets, I'm cutting back on it now because this isn't just my space anymore, it's Jace's too. It's not fair for me to make him live amongst my rubbish. We are getting there and it's been a rewarding process from adapting to living with someone in an intimate way and it's one I intend to keep working on.

Move forward, don't stagnate.

Loves
Wendy xx

Things are Changing!

It's funny but over the past few weeks, I've made more progress with myself than I ever did in 2 years. I think that moving from Abbeydale to the bungalow (still not saying where it is for privacy reasons) has played a part in that. The biggest issues with the flat weren't the flat, but the surroundings weren't right for me after 5 years, my health and needs have changed a lot and living in flats that are stacking people one on top of another in a loud area (often full of drunk people) just wasn't working anymore. The place we're in now is in a quieter and generally nicer area. The property has more space for us to live in. It sounds silly but it also has allowed me yet further distance from the past as well. I was carrying too much on my shoulders by staying there but at the time it was my home and I won't ever deny that we did have good times in that flat. Sometimes it takes some time and distance to really see what was really going on and how that was affecting me but because I didn't think I could have anything better, I kind of settled for it.

Having Jace here with me is wonderful. He's really taken to caring for me and making sure that I'm safe and comfortable as well as maintaining my independence as much as possible as that is kind of part of who I am. I have been independent since I was 9, I won't let that be taken from me. Its been unusual as I have been so used to my own routines, and when you live by yourself you don't notice the little quirks you have in your personality (e.g. aggression towards the toilet seat). These aren't bad things by any means, we all have our quirks and eccentric natures. Its called being human. But at the same time, I don't think we are supposed to live solitary lives. Its down to finding the right person and you both enjoying each other's company. Even if that is spent while one of you is playing on the Wii-U and the other on the Vita. Its OK because we're still doing things together.

The best thing is that I know that I can trust Jace with things and he is a calm and patient person. He doesn't know exactly everything I am going through for himself but hes been so good and gentle with me. Over the last couple of weeks I have had a persistent fever and chest infection that really isn't shifting well. The last few days have been pretty bad asthma wise and I have been pretty tired and sore as a result. Having someone to spend the afternoon playing games with or just watching a film and cuddling helps though. Sometimes its the non-medical things you need like affection and closeness that can make a sucky situation less so.

The guinea pigs, well they have flourished here too. I can't believe it was just a year ago when I brought those two fluff balls home and how tiny they were! Kaiba looked more like a pom-pom when I first got him and I remember thinking his fluffy fur was so funny. Now he is a big boy (and we know now that he is actually blind as well) he needs regular grooming and trims otherwise he starts to resemble a mop! Its funny when he sits with his hair over his face like "Yeah. I'm awesome" and then plops down in the corner of the hutch. He still hasn't mastered how to climb UP the ramp yet (seems to have more fun rolling down there instead which is actually funny to watch!) but he has time and I have patience with him.

Yugi. Well I remember when I first saw and held little Yugi and he was barely the length of my hand, hyper like all young guinea pigs but the most loving little lad. Hes still that way even now and he seems to know when either Jace or I are up as he will wheek for breakfast and attention. However he is the greedier one of the two and is probably a little on the chunky side (thats OK, he's a pig its kind of in his nature) but he does love to cuddle and he has grown so well and I am proud of them. I am proud of all of my animals. Loki is doing amazingly well too now we are out of that stressful environment and now have a wonderful future coming our way.

Just goes to show. Change is a good thing sometimes.

Loves
Wendy xx