Another Door Closes, Another Door Opens.

Unpacking is pretty much done with and OK there's boxes of misc stuff but we had misc boxes at the old place so to be honest they're not worrying me. To be honest it's stuff I can browse through whenever I feel up to it really. I've shifted the last few boxes of belongings and unpacked everything I use and need so I'm doing OK with that. It's amazing how much you acquire over the years but at the same time you do sometimes look at stuff and ask yourself "what exactly was I going to do with this?!" But I think that I have my bungalow as I want it. It's clean and tidy and importantly, its secure and tucked right up and away from all the hustle and bustle. Even with a pub over the road, we don't have drunken chavs walking down the street shouting and swearing in the early morning. It's something I don't miss to be honest.

I've been so much better here and it's been wonderful for me to have a home where I can feel safer. I didn't like leaving the flat on Abbeydale unguarded as it didn't feel like that secure an area. I kept the curtains closed because of kids playing "look at the freak" and I felt like my privacy was being invaded, especially when they would run around my garden. To be honest, I think I had reached a point in Abbeydale where I was closed to giving up in myself, my home suffered through. I won't go into the specifics about how, who and why because it holds no purpose to play the "blame game". I'm not a little kid anymore and I'm doing my best to let go of the past and keep looking forward to the future, whether that's 5 years or 50+.

I owe it to myself to keep trying. I owe it to my loved ones to keep smiling, even on the bad days and know that the pain and other stuff doesn't last forever. Heck, I even owe it to the people who try to bring me down because nothing quite says " Fuck you" (excuse the language) better than when someone who tried to destroy you sees you grow and thrive and they realise that despite them, you're living your life and making it better and they won't even get a look in, because they don't deserve it. Simple really. I'm not making it obvious where my address is to anyone unless I want them to know and the people who do know have promised to keep it secret and they know who not to tell, not that they would tell that individual anything anyway.

I've been a bit off since having a tumble from my futon. Trying to get in at the doctors has been a nightmare (booked up for the next month!) and I can't justify going to A&E for it. They probably make more fuss about my asthma being a pain but I don't want to have to go in. There's something nice about not being taken away from a place that I want to hold on to. Don't get me wrong, we are fortunate enough to have the NHS and we all have a grumble and a gripe with it but it's obvious that they're stretched to the limit. Obviously if things go really down hill then I will go but for now I'm comfortable where I am.

I did have to say goodbye to an old friend though. After 4 years, my old Samsung just had enough and was ready to retire to the place where mobile phones go when they die. Maybe holding on to it was like holding on to another part of the life I've left behind and it was buggy. Nothing updated. Nothing worked properly. It lagged. So I treated myself because it was time to do something nice that was for me.

Loves
Wendy xx

Making a Home.

Well, we're further in the cause of unpacking the new place. Today, I managed to get the rest of the corner clear in the bedroom and now theres only 2 boxes of bric-a-brac waiting to be sifted through and put away properly. Those are now waiting in the little room out of the way. The bungalow is actually bigger than we realised it was originally (with all my stuff in place and organised, admittedly theres space to spare), not to mention the rather generous garden space I have (which was cleared by the council). I was talking to Natt recently and he said that I seemed to be so much brighter and happier here, more like the old me. The girl who used to live in her attic and love it there. Since moving, I've been a bit busy what with unpacking the boxes upon boxes of personal possessions and putting my savings to good use on buying more nice storage space for my collection of books, games, DVDs and CDs. I like having things tidy and organised so its rewarding to see my effort coming to something. Now I'm putting what we call the finishing touches to the bungalow but all in all, its a nice, clean place to live. It really came together yesterday when the rug I ordered arrived and now it's just the little finishing touches to bring the place to life completely. 

When people ask me "was it worth it?" I can honestly say it was. It really was. I think that although I liked my old place, it just wasn't right for me anymore and as my health declined over the years, I became less able to live and maintain it to the standards I'd always been able to keep before. When I mean standards, I mean the floor being vacuumed than once a month and the dusting being done regularly too. I know its a lot of work but to be honest, what is the point in having a place when you don't strive to make it a home. Even if it's only simple little touches like hanging curtains or splurging on a rug and new units but to be honest, the things at the flat were being held together by duct tape and happy thoughts. There are a few things we managed to salvage but most of the furniture here is new and I brought what I needed bit by bit (with a generous back-payment with my PIP/ESA when things went a bit off due to the last tenant not telling the DWP that the council had kicked them out so they thought they were still living here. Cheek of it!) but in all, I think it has been a worthy investment. It's an investment in my own future and that is something in itself. And who wants to come home to a place that was damp, mouldy and generally never felt that clean and sanitary?

I think this bungalow is a great place and it is in such a lovely part of town. I won't say where exactly for security reasons but I can honestly say it is quiet and secluded down here. I live at the end of the row as well but no one here is any trouble. I get on with the neighbours (Mr and Mrs S (names not given, again for privacy reasons) have been wonderful and so helpful and kind to me) and I feel something I have not felt in some time. I feel safe and secure. I feel comfortable and I feel happy. I'm not scared of what could happen outside anymore or who could invite themselves in and as it's a bungalow, there isn't anyone living upstairs. I have an enclosed garden which is fenced off and the boundaries are clear and no mistake could be made. 

I think that my mental health has seen the biggest improvement over the last few weeks. I have stopped being so quiet and timid and become more outgoing and vibrant. I feel more myself here and it shows in so many ways. My neighbours have said that in the short time I've been here, I've gone from that timid, frightened girl to a vibrant and boisterous young woman who is the real me. I don't feel so hopeless. I have a future and that's something no one can take away. Today I even ventured out to find the local shops and explore the area a bit. It was a pleasant run and I felt proud because I'd motivated myself to go and look around. I guess the reason I hadn't blogged was that there was so much I needed to do to set myself up here and settle in. When I came back home after Christmas, the thought in my mind was "Right, I've got the move over with. Everything's here and the keys to the old place are gone. Now it's time for a fresh new beginning." Its taken me ages to get to this point but I'm taking pride in my home and I plan to carry that on.

Loves

Wendy xx