Moving on...

So I am beginning the process of moving on from my home in Abbeydale to a small bungalow on the other side of town. Basically, the main reason this is happening is that my place now currently doesn't fit my ever growing and ever changing needs and it's no longer safe or practical for me to live here anymore. My new place is lovely, out of the way and in a really quiet area where I am unlikely to run in to any issues (not having anyone upstairs will be a huge part of that, its not easy to have people living on top of each other and it causes more friction than anything else) that I have had here. Don't get me wrong, I have loved this flat and it has been my home for nearly 5 years and it does kind of suck to move on but I'm just looking towards the future. There are things I will miss in Abbeydale (mainly some of the people here were quite lovely) and things I won't (like the acrid stink of weed in the air which seems to linger throughout the estate).

My new place is a lovely little bungalow, one bedroom (with cool sliding doors between the bed and living rooms so that I can almost live open plan), a small room which will be the animal room, kitchen, hall and wet-room. This means that I can be a lot more independent and able to take care of my own needs a bit easier. This is fantastic because I won't rely just on carers, although they are a fab bunch, and I will be able to live my life in a way that suits me better. Obviously with moving comes a lot of work and stress but its all going to become a part of that "greater good" that I have been working hard towards. I want a better life for myself. I want a better future with people (and of course my animals, without whom I would be empty) who I care about and I want to be able to cast off the past and get on with my life.

The past is the past. Get over it and move on. Don't wallow in the misery and become a martyr to it then complain when suddenly you find yourself completely alienated and alone. I've moved on from a lot over the last few years and the whole thing didn't kill me. It made me stronger. I learned that I must value my own self as well as putting the other people's needs (not wants) first and that in trying to be kind, I put myself in situations that I really didn't want to be in. The key to moving on is to know that even though you made a few errors, you aren't a bad person. You are entitled to be happy. And no one ever has the right to make you feel otherwise because they want to stay anchored to one thing in the past.

I have enjoyed the nearly 5 years I lived in this flat. Theres been laughter, love, friendship and a sense of belonging here. There have been great times and times when things seemed to be harder to work around but the main thing is that I never let things get too bad. I think that a new year and a new start will be fantastic for me and it may even help me with my health. Being in a quieter part of town and in a place that's easier to access may be the best thing for me. I'm not for one moment suggesting that I will be perfectly well and not on oxygen or in a wheelchair but maybe these good days which I hear so much about may come to pass more often and hopefully when I have done my week of assessments, tests and trials at Heartlands (we don't know when that will be yet), there could be light at the end of the tunnel and hope that things are going to move on and get better.

We just need to hope and keep a bit of a positive look forward to the future and if we do, we will get there. Just got to keep pushing now.

Loves
Wendy xx

New Start?

One of the ways that I keep myself busy (because keeping busy can really help keep depression at bay) is by doing handicrafts. There's something about making things with my hands, a needle and thread that makes me feel a sense of "Yeah. I did that and I am so proud right now." and the most enjoyable thing I have ever found was my cross-stitching. I have been a cross-stitcher for over 10 years and I still have the first ever thing I ever cross-stitched. I did this back in high school with the guidance of my friend George's mum and she helped me get in to and enjoy the process. I remember drawing it on a piece of squared paper and then working on the sewing for hours. To still have this reminds me of the fact that I have been doing this for so long and when I look at it now compared to some of the more recent projects, its kind of like "Wow... I have come a long way on this."

My most recent project has been really fun. I have wanted to cross stitch a Sephiroth image for a long time and I did try once upon a time (but I couldn't finish it due to stuff in the background) and I lost heart for a while I think. Then I found a piece of software called "CStitch 9" which means that I can convert any picture in to a pattern for my cross stitching pleasure. Theres going to be over 13,000 individual stitches worked by hand. I am proud of my work so far, this was my progress a few days ago, I have since worked more on the collar, hair and am working on the chest today. I work on it whenever I get some time spare (which is something I seem to have in spades and when the piece is finished, I want to put all the pictures taken of the progress all in one picture so I can see how it grew and have it compared to the original Nomura drawing. I don't want to know how many hours I have done on this as yet but it has helped keep me at least focused because I am really not doing as well as I could be physically.

It's mainly been issues with pain and my asthma being troublesome. Not helped that I have had a vicious chest infection recently as well which has meant that I have had all the stuff that comes along with that (fever, pain, feeling like an elephant has sat on me). Just what you need when you're trying to orchestrate something big like moving. I will be moving in the next week or so (not going to say where publicly for obvious reasons) to my new adapted bungalow.

I want to be clear about the reason I am leaving my flat. It comes down to my health deteriorating as much as it has over the last 2 years or so due to my asthma getting worse and my lungs becoming as they are now. Being on oxygen has been a brilliant change in me (before I was barely awake, greyish and couldn't speak more than a few words and walking to and from the toilet was like running a marathon for me) but its not stopped the inevitable truth that I am no longer able to use my flat as I used to. Its kind of sad because I have been here for nearly 5 years and this place has been my place of safety when I felt scared or the place I came back to. Its going to be a big change but one I can be sure is right for me. In my new place, I am going to have more access to the living room, kitchen and I will have a "wet room" so that I can have a shower and not have to rely as much on carers or other people. I will still require care, we know this, but if we can get it so that I needed less, I would be happy about that and it would be easier on the agency as well.

The hard part of this has been convincing myself that this flat is not going to be my home anymore. I am so used to it and heck I know all the little quirks and other things that came with it like the back of my hands. I will miss some things about the place and I will miss some of the people I got to know around here but it is all for the best reasons that I move and have a better chance at a better life somewhere else. It's OK to feel apprehensive though as I will have to learn new ways around things and where the new local shops, bus stops and other things are. It's close to where I used to live before so I am sure that I will get my bearings soon enough! Maybe a new year and a new start would be just the push I need?

Loves
Wendy xx