Being Wendy.

I've been looking over at people I went to school with. So many of them have changed and some of them are so different to how I remember them. I find it amazing how much so much people have changed in 10 years. And how little I've changed, I've just become more mature. I looked at some old photographs and I can honestly say one thing, I had to grow in to my features and to be honest I was a weird looking kid!

But my personality is the biggest thing about me to not change too much. I'm still scatterbrained at times and very clumsy, as well as shy around new people and I can be highly strung sometimes. But under that, despite everything, I'm not cruel and jaded, I still do what I can to help people and when I get to know them, I can be very kind, gentle and friendly. I still listen to the same things I did 10 years ago. I still dress how I like and wear clothes I would have worn then and my hair, well that just carries on being dyed whatever colour takes my fancy.

Maybe I reached an adult level of maturity at a young age. I could always talk to adults better than people my own age because I never found them as intimidating as I found other kids. I started writing and answering little notes to game characters because I could talk to them about anything and they'd never tell a soul. I think I always felt like I never belonged as a child and even now I wonder whether I am where I need to be. The only difference is that now, I've learned to accept that no matter what, I am never going to understand a lot of people, nor that I want to, and only a few people will ever get to know and understand me in turn. I'm actually OK with that because chances are, I won't like a lot of people.

I'm proud to have kept that individuality. It's what makes me who I am today, even if that's an eccentric and crazy person. To me, that is the whole point of being who I am and anyone who doesn't like me can sod off really because I'm not going to run away and I'll carry on proving that I am the person I can be proud of.

Loves
Wendy xx

Naps and Wasp Stings

I have been napping a lot recently. For no other reason than my health problems are exhausting. I'm really contending against some rather intense issues and they can take a lot of work to keep them all balanced, from taking 21 different medications in a carefully devised regime to getting enough rest and appropriate nutrition. Its a delicate balance to keep but one we manage all the same.

Knowing that a number of things can't be magically cured is rough but it made me stronger as a person because I had to learn my way around them. It has been difficult to figure out and sometimes I feel quite unhappy but I am coping. I just have to remember to take it one step at a time rather than trying to get it right straight away. Being me is a big job and I wouldn't have been given it if there was ever any doubt that I'd do it. Even if I struggle sometimes.

I am struggling a bit but admitting that isn't me being weak. It's me being strong enough to reach out and say "I can't do this by myself." and to be frank, its not a bad thing to do when you think about it. Its sad that so many other people are too proud to ask for help and then end up suffering as a direct result of that.

As for the here and now, I am happy with how things have progressed in the last couple of weeks and I hope things continue to grow and mature. I also hope that no more wasps decide to sting me. I have had 2 this year, one had my finger and today one decided that the heel of my hand looked like a nice place to stick its stinger. I wouldn't have minded but I am allergic to the stings and they make me swell up and it bloody hurt!

Loves
Wendy xx

Summer Dream

It's been a lot cooler over the last few days which has come as a welcome break from the dry heat and the follow on of humidity. It was a tough few weeks for everyone and I think everyone can be forgiven for frayed tempers and impatience. The next few days will be a bit cooler and hopefully more fresh.

I've been making the most of the lovely days. Sat outside with Becky and the local kids. Engaging them in activities like drawing or telling stories or sitting with my guitar playing and singing softly. The kids love the attention and friendship we give them and its nice to feel like a part of our home. We are a community around here and well if you can't beat them, join them!

It wasn't that long since I was a little kid myself and I spent long afternoons playing outside and we had a similar sense of community as we have around here. When I was a kid, I'd pack a sandwich, a bottle of water and I would go out for the day before returning later on. I seldom stayed indoors on bright sunny days, unless I was grounded. Its only the beginning of the holidays and I hope it stays nice for the kids.

I've not been well myself recently but I can honestly say that these things don't last forever. Maybe its been the dry weather or the fact that I can't seem to get off the endless "treadmill" that chest infections seem to cause. I'll win eventually, but right now it elludes me. Maybe I could do with a holiday so I may arrange to stay with my beloved Jace for a couple of days quality time.

When I'm with him, I feel strong and confident. I don't feel scared or sad. I just know that I can trust him and his gentle good nature. I've told him things that I never told another soul and he kissed me, told me that no matter what, he loves me and I love him. I never thought love was this easy and I haven't felt this special and happy for a long time.

Things at home are lovely. I love our little place, and the life we live with our lovely little animals. The rabbit has settled herself in and she's a little wonder, I'm glad to have taken her in, from her little twitchy nose to her fluffy white tail, she's cute and funny (still likes to sit on my head, lick my ears then moan at me!), a typical Dutch Rabbit through and through!

Loves
Wendy xx

Looking At Things...

You know something funny? Whenever you feel like your life is a mess and that you should give up and there is that one voice in a million that says "No... keep trying..." and when you actually stop and take a second, you come to see just how simple things are. How much easier it is to live a life without secrets with the people you love most and how much better you feel when you don't feel like you're holding some dirty little secret locked away deep inside yourself. You start wondering why you felt so scared of them and then you reconnect with both the person you want to be and that person you used to be.

It's all a perspective thing really and sometimes you really have to ask yourself what exactly is it that has upset you? And why is it so insurmountable that no matter how hard you try, you just can't seem to get it? I don't believe that for one second. I never have. I never will. Everything has a solution, you just have to work at it sometimes. For example, as I write this, I am lying in bed feeling completely battered by an infection and my asthma is refusing to settle itself down so I can get better. I have spent a lot of my weekend just sleeping but I still feel optimistic that eventually we can cure this thing and sooner rather than later, I will be back to some kind of normality once again. I would be lying if I didn't admot that there are days when I feel upset by the whole thing but again, its all down to how you see it. Seeing things in a positive light can make all the difference in my opinion. No pain lasts forever.

I have been keeping myself cheered up by playing with my latest new models (pre-ordered and paid for sometime last year, but they were delivered this week), 2 Trading Arts Kai figurines. They're miniature versions of popular characters done in a very cute style (known as chibi), each includes a number of accessories, a change of costume and different faces, also nicknamed Nendoroids. The fun thing with them is that you can mix and match costumes and facial expressions to suit your mood. The 2 I have are Sephiroth (naturally) and Aerith. I haven't done much with Aerith yet, but I have experimented with her costumes and accessories. As for Sephiroth, he has had a few photos taken of his antics and he has fast become one of my favourite models as yet. As you can see, as an idea of how small this model is, he stands next to one of my Ventolin inhalers. Over time, I am hoping to photograph the models in various different places and doing different things. Kind of a photography project. Besides, when I go and see people, I tend to carry one with me so that I can take photos of people with the models, kind of a proof that I have met them in real life. It's a fun way of doing things.

I think the idea of photography came when I took Sephy out of his box and had changed his face to the sleeping face. I was holding him in my hand and talking to Becky about something until I looked down and saw something that inspired me. A tissue paper blanket later, and the shot came together. A small sleeping character choosing to nap in the palm of my hand. I have been sharing the shots on DeviantART and they have been incredibly popular with other fans. I think that in doing some of these shots, I do allow myself to kind of let loose a bit, maybe with a number of props, costumes and ideas.I do like to experiement with my ideas and sometimes I get something a little bit more conscise than others, but thats alright by me, it's all a part of my art and the process I take to create the things I do. I guess there really is more to me than what I can do with a pencil and piece of paper and I love showing the world what I am capable of.

I guess there is truth to the concept that the truth is in the eye of the beholder. We look everywhere for beauty but we never seem to take it in. I believe that we all have the power and confidence inside of us to make of our lives what we want and only the weak would pass that up or decide that it is another's fault if we failed to achieve what we set out to do.

Loves
Wendy xx

Reflection.

When I feel down I tend to sit back and think for a moment. I don't think about anything but the things and people who make me happy. Its not about material possessions, those kind of things are fleeting and seldom last forever. It's about the little things that I love and treasure. Cuddles with the guinea pigs, hamster and rabbit. Going out with Becky, even if it is just to town or Sainsburys and back, and laughing and enjoying spending time with someone. Drawing, sewing, knitting or playing on my guitars or just watching a film with Jace or cuddling up together after having a wander around.

I'm lucky to have the people in my life that make me feel invincible. My friends and my adoptive family (as well as the few members of my biological family that I talk to) as well as an adoring boyfriend and the community I'm a part of. We all have each other and we all talk and trust each other. It's something that no one can ever hope to take from us. We have sorted ourselves a home and lifestyle that we deserve, its only now, a year after someone tried to rob us of that, that we have come to realise just how much we have and how much we could have lost, had it not been for the work we did to keep our place and the knowing that our home wasn't going to be taken off of us by anyone, least of all a neanderthal who makes things up as they go along rather than looking at the facts, then again, fiction can be easier to swallow than reality.

I don't think I have been this happy in a long time. With the support of those around me and the love of those most important to me, I have been able to do things I wanted to do and not things I thought I had to do. I think I long gave up on obligations and worrying about what would keep everyone else happy. No matter how hard you try it just isn't possible to do, you can't please everyone, the only person you can ever hope to keep happy when it comes down to it is yourself and do what you can for everyone else.

When I was told by my doctor that he didn't think I'd get to 25, I actually lived in fear because the closer I got, I started asking myself if time was running out. The truth of it all is, we never know exactly when and how our lives end. We all live on borrowed time and its best to think that rather than living in fear, instead spend what time you have enriching your lives and those around you. Leaving a legacy of something nice so that when it does happen, those close to you can at least have something nice to remember you by. I know I walk on a knife edge and that scares me, it really does, but maybe the fear of death that we all have instinctively is perhaps more a fear of life and living. There is a natural order to things and no potion or miracle medicine will change that. Instead I find it better that I am able to be honest with myself and by extension, honest and open with others.

I suppose life is what you choose to make of it. No one is here forever and some of us are here longer than others. There really are no guarantees in things and its much more realistic to just live in the moment. Do something wacky once in a while or just sing out loud in a public place!

Loves
Wendy xx

Delights From a Sketchbook

I thought I would take some time out to actually talk about my latest pieces in a bit of detail and show the world what I have been doing. I draw every day as part of both my therapy and as a way of passing my time. Sometimes I find it hard to draw because of the shakes that I get from my bronchodiolators and it does sometimes get to me because I can't draw the way that I would have liked. I have always wanted to draw photo-realistic pieces like Becky can but I have accepted that it's just not something I can do. Instead I like to draw in the anime style. My biggest inspiration is Tetsuya Nomura and I like to draw in a style similar to his.

I can't draw the style perfectly, but I can make it my own. This piece was one that took me about a week to do and it was a week well spent if you ask me. I think I did a character outline in a day and then worked on texturing with my pencil. I used all my different pencils for this as well as fine erasing for some light and shade effects. The one thing I did that was very different to the original was omitting a character. In the original, you can see Tseng peeking out between Sephiroth and Cloud, personally I felt this was a bit too crowded and a little unbalanced with the 6 characters. So instead I left him out and brought Cloud and Seph closer together behind Zack, the main focus. I think the hardest thing about the process was the shading and figuring out where the lights were going to catch in which places. I worked on this between feeling rough and sleeping a lot and in some ways it was what kept me motivated. After all, if I gave up halfway through a piece then what kind of person would that make me?

The other piece I did around about the same time was a Dissidia style Cloud. I worked from the artwork from the Dissidia Strategy Guides that I have littering my floor. Cloud was an interesting character to draw, and wasn't one that I do often. I wanted to capture that deep and brooding side of the character as well as the almost lost child look. I often feel close to my characters as I drew them and sometimes they like to move around the page. Sometimes I have to tell them to hold still!Cloud looks ready to fight and has a look of quiet conviction. This is similar to the pictures used as icons in the game. Every character has one, and they are all in full colour, something that I hope to complete at a later date. I'm going to scan these drawings in to my computer and make some digital copies and some colour versions. It's all part of my sketch, scan, colour, scan, final colour process. It's time consuming but it really is worth it. I don't rely on digital editing much these days, whereas before I used to use digital edits to remove bad lines or redefine sections that weren't quite what they should have been. Some people call that cheating, but its something that even the professionals use to make their work just that little bit better.

I'll draw some more as time goes by and I will do colour versions of what I have done so far. I'm just in a sketchy kind of mood I think.

Loves
Wendy xx

A Good Weekend...

It's been a good day today. I was woken up at a reasonable time and we had a good wander around as we always do at the weekend. I have a new mechanical pencil (I use 4 varying pencils for my work, these are Becky's influence and it's a bloody good influence) and I've been breaking it in to a lifetime of creating my unique illustrations. My pencils are like extensions of my hand and when I create with them I feel like close friends and colleagues.

The pencils I use are:

0.3mm - H - Very fine detailing and some faint outlining. Perfect for putting the expressions on faces and the fine details. 
0.5mm - HB- Some detailing and some outlines. Great for defining lines and some shading.
0.7mm - B - Some faint block shading and blending to define drawings. Great for initial sketching.
1.4mm - B - Block shading and some initial work. Can be a bit awkward to rub out as the lead is so soft.

My drawing is one of the things that over the last few years that has kept me sane and happy. I find myself unable to feel sad or angry when I hold a pencil and am slowly working it over the page. I think I just lose myself in what I do and its so cathartic I think it's the repetitive motions and calm of shading. Then after I finish, I look over what I did and feel a huge surge of pride and confidence. Something I have had problems with for most of my life. I know it's not wise to put all your pride and identity in to one or two things, after all even the most natural of talents aren't finite, you can lose them and its so important to keep trying to use your abilities, even if it is just a quick sketch or a doodle. This started out as a test for the new 0.3 and 4 hours later I finished with this, drawn with my one of my favourite models at my side (Kingdom Hearts Play Arts).

 I always draw well when I have a muse with me. I think out of all of my Sephiroth models this one stands out the most, maybe it's the beautiful blue wing, something different compared to all of the others, when I have him standing near to me, I feel like I have my own personal "One Winged Angel" keeping watch, once when I was really ill and had to go in to hospital, Becky had stashed him in my bag as a reminder of home and a comforting guardian. I even have a chibi (for those who don't know, a simplified cute version) version that lives on my phone.



When I was younger, I used to play flute. I quit just before my Grade 3, which is something I have always wondered what my life would have been had I not. Maybe I would have been playing now, but would I have dedicated my time to the visual arts and moving image? Probably not and that would be a huge shame. I would have never met the wonderful friends I have now. Heck, in a way I am kind of thankful for my illness, not for any other reason than the things I have learned from it. I learned I can be strong and stoic as well as resolute. I learned not to take things for granted and to appreciate the promise of a new day. Maybe it's not perfect but my silly life makes sense to me and I don't think I could imagine life being much different. I'm not the kind of person to play the victim, if something isn't right in my life, I choose to make a change and sort my own life out rather than blaming other people for my misfortunes.

Enjoy life and the things you do. Even if it is just simple things like watching TV or cuddling with a small animal. Between the guinea pigs, rabbit and hamster there is plenty of love to go around. We're a family here and it works. We never go without and we live happily and comfortably in our self contained home. I think we're going to stay here and carry on making progress with life. I'm working on making my life as fun and happy as it can be, even with a long term illness which sometimes wants to make me feel miserable but who said I have to let it?

Loves
Wendy xx

Heatwave

I'm really sweltering at the moment, then again we are set for a heck of a heatwave for the next few days, I never lied the heat much admittedly but I have been using it as an excuse to break out the rather delicious (if not incredibly fattening) treat of Ben and Jerry's ice cream. Maybe its the fact that I have found something that helps me tolerate food again but I have felt less bloated and uncomfortable (I mean I was so bloated that I looked like I was carrying more weight than I actually was). I'm still digesting my food very rapidly and it still results in some rather unpleasant moments but at least we are on the way to getting that sorted.

I love my GP. He has done everything over the last 4-5 years to ensure that everything has been seen to BEFORE it becomes such a big problem that it is damned near impossible to sort out. Rather than throwing this medicine and that at me, we go through a methodical approach and find out exactly WHAT to take. My doctor manages my asthma, and when I go to him after an admission, I don't feel like I have to justify myself and explain why it happened. Instead, we go through what happened and we figure out what to avoid or what to do next. Obviously there is nothing more that can be added to my asthma medicines (I'm on about 20 different things as it is, I don't think I need anymore, I'm already a mobile pharmacy) and we don't have an awful lot of "wriggle room" and I know when enough is enough or little ways and tricks to put off the inevitable (because in the blistering summer heat, who actually WANTS to be stuck in hospital), sometimes it works, sometimes it does go awry. I get quite annoyed I think when I see people badmouthing doctors because they couldn't get what they wanted from them, or their "Self Diagnosis" has been so far out of reality that they just don't want to admit that they just feel a bit silly for getting worked up or convinced that they're about to expire. Maybe people don't like to be told that their health is fine (personally I welcome it when I get a clean bill of health, it means that I'm doing what I should be) which I really find bizarre. I think I just find people bizarre.

I hope this weekend will be a nice weekend. I'm planning to be able to do a few things and finish some drawings that I was working on and maybe even brush up some more on my Japanese. It's not the easiest language at first but I have really been enjoying learning it. So far I have learned how to introduce myself, start polite conversation and tell them if I end up having any problems. OK it seems a strange thing to learn first but say I fell ill when I'm on my Japan trip, that way I can tell people whats happened and ask for help. When I go, am thinking of staying in a hostel, where there are people who interact with you and it would help for me to get in touch with local culture. Once the trip is planned enough and I have finally paid a few things off to get around to booking it, I am going to really look deeper and deeper in to the things I want to do and see. This isn't just some childish dream, this is very much a reality that I will achieve or die trying. It's a beautiful world out there and I want to make the most of it.

I'm really getting on with my drawings and have been working on some more complex projects. I love to draw in the style I use and use a variety of pencil types (mechanical pencils have a certain feel to them and its good for my technique. I'm hoping to get my scanner out over the weekend and do some scans and clean up some of my works before printing them and doing the colour illustrations. It'll be good to upload some new stuff to DeviantArt and exhibit for my watchers to see (its strange I have a fair few fans, in a way its actually pretty humbling) and enjoy. I specialise in fan art and its actually something I am good at. Maybe it's the fact that I have enough time to do my drawings to the standard I do, or maybe it's because I decided that for all the people who put me down, there were about 20 there ready to pick me back up again and the people who try to make me feel bad about myself aren't worth the energy or time. Heck, I think some people should just stop breathing and leave the air they waste to more deserving beings.

In all, despite the heat, I have been pretty productive. I have been working on some pretty cool stuff and have been just letting myself do what I want to. It works out well for me and I make the best of each day and I just accept my problems as a part of the package of me. I do the things I do, not because of habit or anything else, but because I WANT to and to be honest, when I do things I enjoy, I feel a sense of freedom and happiness. Something that for a while, I believed was a foreign concept. I never believed that I could be happy in this situation and as a result, I stopped looking for the things that made me smile. I'm glad to have found them again and found the people in my life who make it all worthwhile.

I'm going to keep at it because there are a lot of people who I want to prove wrong and even more people who believe in me and I want to show them that they have backed a winner!

Loves
Wendy xx

Knowledge...

Its funny how we learn things as we go through life. Some of us learn big life lessons at a young age. Others don't learn the most important things until they die. It just depends on what you learn and when. I'm quite a fast learner so I only need to see something once before attempting it myself.

This is most true of my hobby of tinkering. I think I get it from my biological father who was always dismantling something or other (usually car or motorbike engines) and I used to enjoy watching. I soon started picking things up and was soon trying to test my knowledge and curiosity with old toys.

Not a lot has changed as I moved from childhood to adulthood. I just got more complex toys to take apart. My laptop is something of an ongoing project. It always wants/needs some kind of maintenance. From diagnostic scans to more complex rebuilds. Usually its a clog in the cooling system or sometimes it's a part that needs replacing.

I'm becoming adept at doing the job myself. Heck if anyone gave me a Toshiba Satellite L500 series with a problem, you can bet your ass that within the day I would be able to diagnose and maybe treat the problem. To the best of my ability anyway. Its a hobby and something useful.

I owe my brother Richard and my first boyfriend Mike for what I know about these machines. The funny thing is that I don't think they meant to teach me these things but never really stopped my observant nature and ability to retain and use information as well as the common sense to adapt what I was doing.

I enjoy learning in all forms. Whether its reading up on things or watching another work, asking questions and then experimentation. Obviously I don't do the kind of experiments to cause pain or suffering to others, I prefer the approach of "It's great as it is, but can I make it better? If so, how?" Besides, my "subjects" are strictly technological.

Although I have a very good understanding of the human body and my conditions, I would never dream to be as foolish as to try and diagnose or treat a person. I believe that unless you have completed medical school then you should refrain from attempting to be a doctor. No matter how much you read off the internet, that knowledge is useless unless you know what you are doing and in some cases that little bit of information can be really quite dangerous. Or just fear-mongering.

I find internet diagnosis quite funny. Maybe its because people type symptoms (which are often exaggerated) in to Google and then become convinced that they have some drastic malady. Or there are those who examine each tiny symptom just because they have the dreaded "Wish-You-Were-Sicks". A bizarre "condition" in which someone is desperate enough to believe that they have some kind of deadly disease that they research it and almost make themselves have the problem (aka mind over matter).

I was talking to my GP about it not long ago. I said what had been happening and how long and what other professionals have said in the past. He found it quite funny that unlike so many others I hadn't decided to diagnose some horrible condition myself and decide that that was it, I was going to die. I just looked at him and simply said "I'm not a doctor, so I don't like to jump to conclusions." He actually smiled and said that was something about me that he liked. A young person who has their head screwed on properly. Seems to be a rare thing these days and nearly everyone is convinced that the internet is better than good old fashioned doctors. Personally I'll stick to asking my GP and specialist when I see them.

Loves
Wendy xx

Finished Works

I've probably been at my drawing for over a week now. Its coming out really lovely and it has been a labour of love. Drawing as a hobby has been one thing that has kept me sane over the last few years. It was hard to retrain my right hand after breaking it but I believe that it has meant that I can redevelop my own style and I like it a lot more than my old style.

My obvious influence is Nomura. I was blown away by his art for the Final Fantasy series. I also have a bit of Masashi Kishimoto (who works on the Naruto books) and Hiromu Arakawa (the lady who gave us Fullmetal Alchemist). I think that it was a happy accident that I broke my hand because had I not done so, I would have never rehabilitated my hand and never produce some of the best art I've ever done. Maybe it was worth 6 weeks of pain and annoyance (and going to fracture clinic every week), but its not something I would want to do again.

I'm getting through things in a better way. I think my attitude of trying to see the positive side of life has been key to making the best of a bad situation. So many people play victim and frankly its stupid and actually quite selfish. The way I see it, no one person is any more a victim than anyone else. Its all down to how you deal with things and how you see yourself.

Some people feel sorry for me because I'm only in my 20s and I've put up with so much. The way I look at it,sympathy is a burden which no one needs. Honestly, what is having people being all "poor you" really going to achieve? It doesn't fix the problems and it doesn't help to wallow in your misery like a pig in shit.

I like to find better ways to spend time with and it does help. Whether it's something around the home or a personal project, it keeps me busy and keeps my depression under control. Inactivity can actually be worse for you than anything else. It's just a shame how much it takes out of you. After drawing I had to lie down and rest to try and reduce my fever.

I'm at the tail end of the infection but I still feel very tired so I may go to sleep soon. Just for a nap mind to get some strength back.

Loves
Wendy xx

Brand New Week

I've been taking the Lansoprazole and Buscopan for 2 weeks now. It has made a lot of difference. i don't wake up with my stomach feeling like it's burning and I generally feel better in myself. Its been 6 months since my last energy drink and I don't actually miss it.

It's weird how you can get addicted to something that quickly to something that is so easy to obtain yet so dangerous. It shocks me that school kids drink the stuff despite the fact that the high level of stimulant can actually cause cardiac problems as well as a wealth of other things. I'm not going to go up on my high horse but I do think that there should be a reasonable restriction.

My new "poison" is favoured mineral water. It's not full of sugar and since starting to drink that, my hair, skin and nails have improved. It's been a long time since my complexion has been so good. Keeping myself healthier and taking care of myself from the inside has made me happier. I just wish my asthma would follow suit with improving but who knows, maybe one day.

I'm working on things one step at a time. I've sorted my finances out and for the first time in a while I don't feel overwhelmed by bills and deadlines. With decent planning and organisation I'm back on top of things and I'm glad. It doesn't take a long time to get back on your feet. If you're truly driven and want it enough.

I'm learning to live around my physical and mental difficulties. I don't pretend they don't exist and it certainly isn't a case that I don't see them. I just don't allow things to hold me back. All my dreams and goals are coming to fruition and my biggest goal of a secure future with those people I love is getting closer by the day.

We are bonding well with our new additions. Riza is a happy little bunny and she loves to cuddle and play with a rattle ball. The boys like her, even if she isn't too keen at present but after her operation next week she'll be a lot calmer and the boys won't try and do naughty things to her!!

Loves
Wendy xx