Normality Returns...

Well this week hasn't exactly gone to my plans, but hey, at least I am here to tell the tale. I wound up with yet ANOTHER of my chest infections. I seem to get them a lot and I am starting to know full well that once certain signs start appearing that I need to be on my guard as it can, and often does, turn from manageable to nasty pretty much at a moment's notice. Such is the life for a brittle asthmatic, but knowing it doesn't always make it easier to take. Some days are better than others and some days, you wonder why it was that you even got up in the morning because even the smallest thing can wear you right out and make you just want to crawl back to bed and stay there.

It's not like I am complaining or that I think I am worse off than anyone else, far from it. I know I don't have it any worse than anyone else, but I am all too painfully aware that I am in a very precarious position and it can be a delicate balance to keep things on an even keel, sometimes you get it right and everything is great, other times you have to admit when things do go horribly wrong and not be afraid to ask for help. Even if getting help scares you because you don't want to feel like a waste of time or resources.

Friday was one such day that things just went a bit awry and I had to go to the doctors. Admittedly I did have to be coerced in to it by Becky, Jace and even Nat, because I honestly didn't see a problem, I thought it was my asthma giving me a hard time. Becky got to the point where she had to ask the others to help pester me, I can be a stubborn one, and then she made sure I went, regardless of if I wanted to or not. I am thankful that she can be more stubborn than I am because my lack of wanting to take an appointment away from someone, who in my eyes, could need it more is often what leads me in to trouble. It turned out that there was something wrong and leaving it would probably be asking for trouble. I'm now on extra pain meds and antibiotics to try and shift this and get things back on track, preferably before it developed in to a full blown pneumonia. Again.

As a result of it all, I have been easily worn out (today I became tired from working on a couple of my sketches and I haven't been able to get some of my illustrations finished. I love my illustration work and I am proud of it, I just wish it was easier on my body sometimes. When I draw, I can escape from myself for a little while. I can just escape from life and see my drawings come to life, almost in the same way that Beatrix Potter did, I sometimes wonder if my sketch actually moved slightly and then I can imagine something to distract me for a while. I don't claim to be as talented as other artists, but what I do, I really am proud of.

While I was in Blackpool with Jace, I got a new sketch book and vowed to spend as much time as possible in drawing the things I love in there. Admittedly it is probably going to be filled with FF7 fan art, but that is what I love to draw it. From sketches of Sephiroth to a guide to breeding yourself a fine, gold chocobo (something we managed to do, on the PSP with Jace and on the PS2 with Becky) so that the whole world map is yours to discover. It has been a huge part of my life for as long as I can remember and it is probably how I managed to get in to manga and anime in the first place. It's an escape from life when I need to just have that time away. Time when I'm not in pain. Time when my breathing is easier and I feel like a normal 25 year old.

It is really good to be back to normality now. I admit the time when Becky was away at her mums for the festive period was a bit alien. You get so used to having someone around and when they aren't here, its just so quiet and strange. I have had time to really get a connection with my little Nero. Hes such a happy hamster and he loves to sit in a hand or explore a blanket that you have over you. A long way away from that frightened little thing that screamed at me angrily because he had been torn up at the roots and dragged to this new home. Even Becky's rat is settling and they are forming their own bond which is nice to see.

Loves
Wendy xx

A New Leaf...

It's a new year and with it the chance to turn over a new leaf and make a fresh start. Sometimes you just have to drop the weight of carrying the past around with you and think about the bigger picture. I think that turning over a new leaf at New Year is a great chance to let go and move on with life. I mean, you can't always carry a past mistake or the ghosts of the past around with you. Other wise you could go insane, or become a bitter, twisted mess with no life and nothing more to discuss than the past. So I intend to start as I mean to go on.

I spent Christmas this year with Jace and his family in Blackpool. It was so different to spend the festive period by the sea, the sea air worked as a magic tonic on my lungs and for nearly a week afterwards, I had never breathed better. Sadly this kind of thing never really lasts but that comes with the territory when you have spent a good chunk of your life with chronic brittle asthma causing you all kinds of problems, you become accustomed to having to clear more gunk than you think your body could produce. But still, I had a wonderful time with the person I love and I am looking forward to life returning to normality tomorrow.

It was interesting to spend some time by myself. It gave me a good opportunity to really look at myself as a person, the things I liked, the things I wasn't so keen on and the things that I had been so blind about that I had never realised. One of the most amazing things I never saw before, yet they were always there, staring back at me. Those striking eyes that I had long forgotten about, the green with amber burst, changing with moods and often saying more about me than words ever could. I then started taking in the rest of my features, delicate and proportioned. I'd finally seen my reflection clearly and I saw myself. I saw me and I started really liking what I saw for once, rather than seeing someone who wasn't there anymore. I don't see that terrified and bloated mess that I became and I love myself for the person I am, rather than resenting myself for what I'm not.

Things are getting back to normal now after the Christmas period and we're ready to make 2013 a fantastic year. It's going to be a year of laughter, friendships and fun. A year of independence and growth and a year of me being back to the person I once was. The weird thing was that recently someone from my past reconnected with me and it got me to thinking about my life and everything I had done since our relationship. One thing I worked out is how different I am now, how much I have matured and endured to get to where I am today. I'm proud of who I am now and I do believe that years of chronic illness has taught me a lot about myself and my true strength.

I was sad that the January curse struck again. For the last 3 years, I have lost a pet in January and it started with when Alphonse was sick and I lost him, then last year, I lost my Patch. This year was a tragic accident, a spooked guinea pig took a leap he probably ought not to have. Zell always was a fidget and it was eventually his fatal flaw. The one thing we are thankful for however is that his passing was peaceful and he had those he loved around him as sad as it was.

Rather than focusing on the sadness of the new year, I personally want to keep my head held high and be prepared to carry on moving forward and improve my life as best as I can. My DLA renewal went through with no problems as did my ESA renewal. I've been really happy with the way things have been going so far and I feel like things are just going to keep getting better and I want to spend more time focusing on that rather than thinking too much about the sadness of the past. I decided that I just wanted it to be put behind me and I just want to keep going forward. Who knows? By the end of the year, things could be completely different and everything will be just as it should be. As for people who I don't want in my life, well, I don't have to acknowledge them if I don't want to.

Loves
Wendy xx