Breaking The Habit...

It is very rare that I listen to the advice or moral given in games or other media or cultural sources, but I have been taking the words from a game character who, like Sephiroth, has been a kind of a make role model. That man was Hideo Kojima's creation, Solid Snake. It would be fair to say that at first Snake didn't appeal and I would have probably run from him had I seen him in the streets, but as I have gotten older, I have really grown to admire the character. He said something in Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty that somehow seems to have gotten through to me.

In one of the later scenes, the other hero of the story, Raiden asks Snake who he is. Snake, being a lot older and probably a heck of a lot wiser, said to Raiden:


"Find something to believe in, and find it for yourself, and when you do, pass it on to the future."

Raiden was obviously confused about the statement at first and asked Snake what to believe in, to which Snake answers "That's your problem." This seemed to hit home with me and made me realise that it was what I needed to do and it has been my aim for the last few years. I have had to find something for myself and cling to it, break the habits of the past and move on towards a future.

The things I had found to believe in are not someone elses ideals or strategies on how they can make a situation work. I had to find out the hard way that the things I believe in are simple. Hope and the faith and strength in oneself. Nothing is a given and it would be naive and childish to think differently. We have not been put where we are for any divine purpose or to balance anything out. No one is born any better or worse off than anyone else and there is truth to the philosophy of there being no such thing as a free ride.

I worked from the age of 16 and I am thankful because it taught me the value of money and a job well done. Yet I see people who are my age and even older who haven't worked a day in their lives and are all too happy to suckle on the government teat. It is fair to say that there are a large number of people who are unemployed who are actually trying to get work. They get up off their backsides and they go knocking on doors or flick daily through newspapers and other places to find something to support themselves. I understand the reccession is on and it is getting worse, but I honestly think that the number of people who are not working because they frankly don't want to are contributing to the problem and I really hope this is something that is actually addressed.

As for faith and believing in oneself, well that is a matter that only an individual can decide on. I think in my case I was always good at seeing the value in other people and had long forgotten about one person, me. I was so busy admiring and cooing over everyone elses achievements in life and had forgotten what I had done and what I am truly capable of and how far I am willing to go to protect things like my home and my way of life. I have found my place to belong and I did it for myself and the people I met along the way have been so tolerant of me when I have been stuck in one of my moods and they have shared in the elation when everything has turned out in the end. I'm thankful to have these people and I never ever want to imagine a day when they're not there.

I guess the biggest thing that has come out of the last week or so has been the time to reflect on myself as a person and what is important to me. I have addressed feelings I thought I was successful in suppressing and achieved a balance that I had long forgotten that could exist. I realised what I wanted to pass on to the future generation is the courage to say "Yeah it's not easy right now, but it's all a test to show you what you are truly capable of".

Loves
Wendy xx

Summer Days...

It has been a very long time since I was able to enjoy being out in the sun, with either anxieties or worries that people were staring at me I had felt like some OCD freak. That and everytime I had gone out I had been worrying that someone or something would possibly cause harm or fear. I learned that I have nothing to fear and no one to make me feel like that again. To be honest I realised that there is truth to what Eleanor Roosevelt said when she said that "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent". I'm taking that to heart these days.

I woke up about 9 AM (after a rather eventful night as a result of my asthma) and sat up. I thought about things and mulled over everything in a bath that smelled like Parma Violets. I then dressed in a nice top, brushed my hair and went in to town, did some errands, OK so it was just going to the doctor to discuss something and then heading to get some food for the piggies, but what I was most proud of what the fact that I was brave enough to go out and do things without the fear of what COULD happen. In fact, me being afraid and locking myself away or even running away and leaving my home and the town I have come to call home is exactly what that one person would love to see so that in his own mind he can get what he thinks he deserves or achieve some divine purpose or whatever he thinks he will achieve.

Instead I will carry on being strong and carry on enjoying the life I have and I want to do what ever I can to improve upon what I already have achieved. I have managed so far to keep my home and not allow anyone to make me leave. I have a brilliant friend who when I am with her, I am so happy and I have something of a kindred spirit, someone who believes in me the same way that I honestly and truly believe in her and her dreams. I am lucky and have an adoring boyfriend who makes me feel special and like no one could crush me or push me down. With these people in my life, I don't feel scared to aim for everything I deserve and grow stronger, getting back to where I was or where I could have been, or whatever.

When I passed out last night, I had a dream before I woke up. In the dream was this woman who was a technician at the local college, in the media block. She played with cameras all day and she was loved by students and she knew everything inside and out. She then went out and got in to her car and drove back home to her house where the man she loved was waiting for her. She wasn't me. She was what I thought I wanted to be and she was drinking heavily through stress. She wasn't happy. I then saw another woman, this woman didn't have a fancy car or a fancy home, but she did have everything she could ever really want. I actually saw my life for what it really was and I loved what I saw. A small flat, my pets and the people in my life who make me feel great. I did an OU course on journalism and did some internet articles.

I woke with a feeling of "yeah, I can make this work for me." And you know what, fuck the past. I am going to choose my own path and find something worth passing on to the future.

Loves
Wendy xx

Mean...

It is funny how songs can sometimes come to us and the message that they try and pass on can either have a profound effect or even sometimes some messages take a while to hit us. The song I heard earlier this week was by the country star Taylor Swift. Not my usual choice in music, but something about the song "Mean" seemed to get me thinking.

It was about how some people can use vicious words and cruel actions to pick on those who they perceive as "weaker" or "beneath" them. It reminded me of my recent events in where I had to up with someone trying their hardest to usurp my home from under me. Pointing out things like my mental health issues "as if I don't already see them" and doing his best to make me feel vulnerable and scared. What I learned about the whole thing was the ins and outs of housing law and once this is all sorted out, I will be more than happy to see it all finally come to an end and both parties can move on and get on with their own lives.

I have no idea on what he will do with his life, and to be honest I really couldn't care less. As far as I am concerned, he has made the rod for his own back and that isn't my problem. If I saw him again in 100 years it would be too soon... As for me, well I am doing my own thing and living by the rules I choose. My intention is now to go on and make the best of my life. Because of everything, I know I will never ever be able to recover the damage of him, but I will do my best to live my life as best I can, even if that means coping with the scarred together sections of my lungs. Whereas he will never learn and will continue to carry on as he thinks. At the end of the day, is just going to be mean and thats all he will ever be.

One day though I will be in a place where no one can hit me or make me feel like that ever again. I can enjoy good times and build some memories that I will never forget. I can have a shining future and hopefully see less of the local hospital or any other hospital for that matter. I have even set up my own "Bucket" list and with it a fair number of things that I will love to do and, given the chance, I will do. Things such as raise money for charity as well as going on a holiday with the people I adore, and maybe even someday, I will get married.

I guess for now, I am just making the best of what I have. I am enjoying my life and soon I will be free of the anchor that is trying it's best to pull me back down.

Loves
Wendy xx

Today I had an appointment, well a home visit actually from the council. The tenancy officer was visiting my home in order to set the wheels in motion for me to keep my flat. As he has reassured me, this is purely a formality. This is just so that we have the paperwork put forward and we're doing everything by the book. Not that there is anything that doesn't work in my favour here.

My flat is set up for a disabled person. It has access that is easier for someone like me. It is classed as "Adapted" as I had the lifeline put in. This small console on the table may not look like much, but it has saved my life on more occasions than I can count. As it is only one bedroom, it is well suited to 1 or 2 people (namely myself and Becky who is my live in carer). In fact, in terms of suitability and need, you couldn't make a better match. As I say, it is just a formality and within the next couple of weeks, I will have my new tenancy agreement without even having to move a muscle.

But enough about all of that. I am forming some ideas myself to continue down my own path. Both Becky and myself are seeing new loves and are preparing ourselves to have more pleasured moments, laughter in our futures. In particular, this Christmas will be marked with a houseful of people eating, drinking and laughing together. A lot of love and happiness all in these walls. I think one other notable thing I have been doing lately is looking at random game merch. I was building some of the Halo lego again recently, building the wreckage of a UNSC Recruiting Centre and adding more of the little men to make a diorama (that and examining a model of MGS's Raiden in great detail, complete with sculpted arse and what looks like something in his pants) in front of my TV.

So all in all, today has been a good day. Come August 13th, nothing is going to change in terms of where I live and that in itself has made the visit with the tenancy officer very worth while. We are making some plans in some change in decor and furnishings, namely more storage for things like books, Final Fantasy coolness and all my other collectables. My collectables do add a certain feeling to the place and they're not only a mourning for a past long forgotten, but they celebrate me as I am. Not the person I was, nor the depressed creature I became, but the person who came out at the end of the tunnel with a big grin and the patience to play games that involve stealth or hunting down a kill.

The games I have been playing have really opened my eyes as to how much I enjoy gaming, not just as a hobby that passed the bleak times away until I could go and do something else, but as something I have always had something of a passion for. Theres something about a game with an involving storyline. But more on that some other time. I will leave you now with a picture of Raiden to tide you over until I can get a better picture of the model, even as a cyborg and with some kind of metal jaw he is quite pleasing to the eye and I actually enjoy playing as him!

Loves
Wendy xx

A Week of Wonder...

Yesterday was a sad day for me. Over the last week, I had Jace with me and we were able to spend some quality time together. It was bliss to be with the two most important people in my life. My adoptive sister and my boyfriend. Being with them both made me feel like a whole new person. Like everything that happened was like some distant past and the future ahead of me is looking brighter than any star in the sky.

Maybe it has made me realise something. Home. Home is that place where you seek sanctuary from the outside. Home is that place where you feel safe, warm and comfortable. This place is my home. I have lived here for over a year. I decorated the place with my own flair and added my own stamp to it. My artwork colours some of the walls and I have worked my ass off to make this place as homely and comfortable as it is. Everything in here, I paid for (be it from either buying myself or borrowing money from a friend who very kindly helped me in every way possible) and chose. I would never change anything in this place for the world and I am so happy that I get to stay here (not that there was any chance that I was ever going to be removed) for many years to come.

So that means many more pleasured moments. Many more nights which start with some natural spa treatments, ice cream, films and cuddling up with my favourite girl. More nights of sleeping next to the man I love, waking up with him by my side (preferably in a bed rather than on the futon, that thing is OK for the odd night here and there, but after a week, it gets rather uncomfortable). More Christmas celebrations, more birthdays, heck even more funny cooking disasters and long nights getting frustrated and then finally emerging victorious on a game which has had us all either getting wound up or laughing so much about it.

Right now we have been sinking our teeth in to the classic Metal Gear Solid games, particularly the release of the HD Collection. We have been playing a lot of MGS2 and I have come close to the end of the game. What I enjoyed the most I think was the fact that I was running around a decomtamination plant and wreaking havoc, dressing up as an enemy soldier and hiding in a locker, shortly after causing trouble and killing several enemy troopers and leaving the corpses in several random places (the funniest of which was breaking one man's neck and flinging the body in to a stall in the ladies loos, I would have loved to see the face of the poor person who stumbled across the body) or heckling other troops for dog-tags. Playing the games again brought up some nostalgia, I remember watching my brothers play the games and when no one was around dabbling myself. The older I have gotten, the more I have actually come to enjoy the games.

I think it is very fair to say that during the process of rediscovering the real me, I have realised a few things about myself. I love the company of like-minded people and when I am dating a guy who actually sees me for who I am, I flourish. I am a massive lover of games and games consoles. I didn't need my antipsychotics to live a normal life, I just needed to rid myself of people who caused me extreme levels of emotion stress. I'm actually a nice person, certain people get my nasty side when they provoke it and try and hurt me, the people I care for or threaten my home. People who have experienced my nasty side often deserved it because of the cruel things they tried to do to me and the way I was treated.

I have worked very hard to get where I am, considering everything, and I would never actually give up without a fight. This is MY home. This is MY life and I intend to live it with the people I choose and adore and I intend to never back down and allow the rug to be pulled from under me. I also refuse to let anyone use me and abuse me like that again. I am lucky to be in the company of a friend I adore and a man who makes me feel like I am still a beautiful person despite everything.

Loves
Wendy xx

We have Normality...

I'm really enjoying the normality of my life right now. I feel like your average 24 year old and I am going out and enjoying myself, after of course doing what ever work is necessary, but I am reluctant to publish too much about it due to personal reasons and to be honest who really wants to read about boring things. What makes my blog so popular is that I don't use it to whine about how "hard" I think everything is. It is purely about my progress as a person and my growth from a timid person to wild and outgoing. It's about me finding love and acceptance regardless of my health problems and actually being happy. Nothing more.

Life with my health can at times be very frustrating and there are times when it seems all consuming as my medication regime is almost like a full time job. I have to take my medication at a certain time, make sure that I get the right amount of supplements, eat well and of course sleep as and when I need to. Which on some occasions is more than others.

I don't need anyone to validate me, and that is what I am happiest about. I have been able to rediscover what made me who I was in the first place. I never was the most perfect or popular person, I may not have grown up in an idyllic situation. Yet I still managed to get where I am today, maybe it was the small hardships that allowed me to grow and learn how to cope with things. The worst of it is truly over and I am thankful. In fact I am down right proud of everything that we have all accomplished as a team of friends and my new love.

I am deliberately not publishing too many of the finer details, not because of any reason than I know there would be people out there with nothing better to do than to cause trouble. Not going to say any more about that and I am not going to let this get to me, I have been speaking to people, sorting things out, maybe my attitude does seem cocky and carefree, but I know the minute I appear rattled and uncomposed will be that second that anyone could try and take advantage of me. I won't let anyone do that to me again. Not now. Not ever.

As it is right now, I am very happy with my life. I have a boyfriend who I love and who loves me, even when my health problems are all too real. I have a fantastic flatmate who is always there when I need someone to talk to or a shoulder to cry on. My whole lifestyle has changed and I am less afraid to go out and enjoy myself (which often involves getting coffee and just having a good gossip, yes I see Becky every day and we could just make coffee at home, BUT there is something nice about getting coffee somewhere, sitting down and just enjoying ourselves) and I am dealing better with the important stuff.

Another recent development is about me readdressing my left stretched ear. I did them at the age of 16 and I had recently lost my old spiral. I got another once recently and found that my tunnel was down for 6mm down from 8mm in diameter, so I am going to have to stretch the hole back the 2mm. It's going to be gruelling but when when it's done, well thats yet another thing that is back to my personal state of normal.

Loves
Wendy xx

Travel...

I think my mind is calm when I am on the move. It is in my nature to want to keep moving around, exploring wherever the roads take me. I love going to new places and looking around, but I am even happier when I get home and put my feet up. They say home is where the heart is. To me, my home is more than just the bricks, concrete and glazing.

My home is just the right size and for the two of us, it is our safe haven, our place to just relax in front of the TV or cook something tasty in the kitchen and share it between us. Becky and I really do live like sisters, we share everything and there are so many times where we have relied on each other's support and friendship. We love it here. The neighbors love us and we are part of the small and warm community. We even sit and talk to the children around the area as well as their parents. Its like we all look out for each other.

I do admit that whenever I see something that my ex broke through spite or yelled at me for treating myself to, I do feel a mixture between anger and sadness that things went the way that they did. But at the end of the day, I can honestly say I tried to leave the bridges as they were, but he wasn't really interested in me. He just wanted to try and pull the rug out from under me, but I refuse to let that happen at all. I love my home and it is going to take a lot more than one person to make me feel vulnerable or scared, or to give up my own home altogether. My home is special and unique, one of a kind and no one could ever change that. It's not perfect, and a lot of the furniture doesn't quite match, but it's homely and we fill it with laughter and mirth.

I have a really great feeling that the next few months are going to be the making of me. I'm going to go from strength to strength and the person I am growing up to be (yes, even I have been doing a lot of growing up myself over the last year or so). I would be lying if I said that my disability was ever part of my plans, but I never knew just how strong I could actually be and it has been since my disability really became a huge part of my life that I have come to learn that and how I could survive despite it all and manage to keep my chin up.

Recent events and being caught in that rain on Saturday meant that my chest was a touch temperamental and it made me feel rotten as a result. Lucky for me, Becky understood this and kindly helped me feel less scared or frustrated. All I have planned now is going to see Jace and spending time with him. No one can take that away from me and I am going to cherish the precious time I get with Jace. I won't let anyone spoil it or make me afraid of enjoying myself.

Loves
Wendy xx 

Wheezing in the Rain...

Yesterday, as is rapidly becoming our thing, Becky and I went out to town and we went to our favourite haunt for coffee, a sandwich and a chat about everything and anything. Its nice to just take a few moments and just forget for a while about being unwell and BE a typical young lady outwardly even if I am anything but your ordinary lady.

I'm actually a survivor. After growing up in the situations I did and having to deal with the cruelty of other people, I managed to stay strong and never laid down and let myself die.I never let people get to me and I never back down from standing up for what I personally and truly believe in. And its not something I intend on starting to do. I know theres a fair few people who would want to do everything in their power to crush me and break my indomitable spirit, but if I never let that happen before, then chances are that I never will again.

I woke today and greeted Becky with one of my smiles. I wake and smile knowing that I live in a world of liberty and security, knowing that if I become ill, then there is always help to hand. If I am tired, my bed is warm and inviting in the roof over my head. No one can come and hurt me and I can sleep soundly and comfortably. I am incredibly lucky. After everything that kind of personal victory is what means the most. Everything else I have accomplished has just been a bonus. Everything from an awesome friend who I live with to my lovely boyfriend, it all reminds me that I am a strong woman who never let anything get to me.

I was watching an old cartoon which, when I was growing up, I used to watch often. "Hey Arnold" was a cartoon about a young boy who lived in a boarding house in a large city. The stories and adventures of the child and his friends were not only amusing to me, but we often learned something from it. Looking back on it now with the eyes and mind of a grown woman, I see there are so many references and words that even back then would have been considered inappropriate in children's TV, words that included "Crap" "Fart" and even in one episode the word "Bollocks" is loudly announced by a character. Becky and I were shocked and thinking that we had possibly been mistaken, but we watched it back and were falling over ourselves laughing.

I swear that back then, cartoonists were allowed to get away with a bit more than say the animators of today. Watching modern children's TV doesn't seem as risque and people are so obsessed with political correctness. The substance, reality and intelligent writing that cartoons of my generation or even the harmless slapstick comic violence of Tom and Jerry that my parents and even my grandparents grew up with seems forgotten and by the wayside. I wouldn't be alone in thinking that in terms of kids TV, my brothers, classmates and I had truly grown up in a golden age. Nickelodeon was full of programmes that didn't focus too hard on educational value, but more on growing up and the fun that could be had. It is a shame really.

I guess that sitting here and watching silly cartoons was better than how my weekend had begun, with walking in the rain (Becky had gone ahead to open the front door) and the ice coldness shocked my lungs to that point where they had refused to work properly for a while. This could take a while, but I will not let my asthma break my spirits for the week ahead.

Loves
Wendy xx

Amusments...

My recent pleasure has been to assemble the Halo Megablocks series of toys. There small and very faithful reproductions of the famous vehicles and minifigures of some of the series' characters. Now I know there are people around who would see such a way of spending an afternoon as childish, but I found that in doing these assemblies I really found it not only fun but cathartic, as at every step you can see this thing come together and when they sit on the desk, they're an eyecatching and rather attractive conversation piece.

I only have a small selection of models to start with. But my first set was the UNSC Rocket Warthog (its very similar to the green Warthog I once brought as a gift). In the set I had a white Warthog vehicle with a rocket launcher instead of the usual turret gun as well as a Covenant Ghost vehicle. I must have spent at least a couple of hours assembling them, complete with sticker decals and placing miniature Spartans and a Covenant Elite on to their respective machines. What impressed me was the intricacy of how the soldiers are made and how, at such a small scale they capture the original styles on the Halo game franchise. When fully assembled, the Rocket Warthog is about 12cm long and 8cm tall. The Ghost is about 9cm long and 3cm tall, and even the suspension of the car is a work of art, moving to adapt and stay stable on almost any surface.

Today I acquired the UNSC Spade vs Skirmisher playset. At around £14.99 I was happy with this small and attractive little bundle. Like the Warthog, the Spade was assembled with an abundance of specially designed parts and it came with a small box to place on the back to store additional things like guns and other parts to customise my army. Also like the other vehicle, the suspension and mountings for the wheels had to be built from scratch and are fully functional. This took me about an hour to put together, with identifying and putting the parts in exactly the right place. There were admittedly moments where I longed for the "separator" that came with Lego kits when I was younger. These things looked a bit like a bird tail and were always grey in colour, but all things aside, I was again impressed with the build and it was impressive when put next to my Warthog.

Loves
Wendy xx

Changes...

One of the things I am concentrating on right now is the little changes I can make and actually going ahead and doing them. Things such as improving my diet and daily routine and making sure things are done at better times, making sure that I am as fit and well as my condition permits. I'm not saying for a minute that these things have been easy going, to be honest they have been hard and they have been so worthwhile because its nice to be back to some kind of normality, in my stable sense of instability (I know that probably sounds odd, but it has been the best way of describing my life!) and making those small changes that make the big ones seem all the more worthwhile.

I've been back in the kitchen as well as late and have been experimenting with simple but nutritious recipes that give me the things I need, but at the same time are filling and tasty. Also these meals are cheap to make, as well as simple. Over the weekend, I made some leek and potato soup. It only takes about 30 mins to make, but it is really good. To make it you need:

4 potatoes, peeled and cubed
2-3 leeks, sliced
1 onion, chopped
2 pints veg stock
1tbsp of vegetable oil
Double cream and seasoning to taste. (I use a cream alternative as it's less harsh on my stomach)

First you cook the vegetables in the oil until slightly wilted. Then you add the veg stock and any seasoning you desire. Bring it to the boil for about 15-20 minutes until the vegetables are tender. Then using a hand-blender, blitz them until the whole thing is smooth. Season to taste and add the quantity of cream you want. Then hey presto! A healthy and filling meal! It may not look like gourmet cooking, but the resulting meal is very tasty, especially with some bread and butter for mopping up! 

Things are happening when they ought, rather than being ignored because I would rather not face them. I managed to get myself back on top of everything long before and now I really am reaping the benefit of getting things back on track. Things with Becky are fun and we spend time together doing things like playing on the xbox or watching films. 

I've been living life as it comes and I am enjoying everything again. I sleep better at night and wake up in a more cheery frame of mind. I'm done with focusing on people who aren't worth my attention and I had to learn the hard way that sometimes that closing a door is the best way of avoiding problems in the future.

Loves
Wendy xx

Ultimate Ninja...

I had been trying to get a hold of this game since it's release in late March, but the circumstances at the time had been a little hard to find the time nor money to get this game. When I finally found myself a copy (no easy feat with newer games as shops only have limited numbers and they usually expect the customer to pay through the nose) and final received it. So understandably I have jumped right in to the game and I have been really enjoying "Naruto Shippuden: Ultimate Ninja Storm Generations" as it delves deeply in to the story of the young ninja, Naruto Uzumaki and the ninja around him.

What surprised me the most was that they had taken out the field scenario and a vast improvement on the battle scenes. The scenes have had a brush up and there has been some new things added in order to make the game much more fair. I haven't ventured online yet, but I will in due time as soon as I have unlocked more content and characters of course. Its very enjoyable and it makes me smile, but then again I have been a Naruto lover ever since my friend Rich introduced me to it a few years ago, this was back when I had my own little place, and that summer when I realised that I could and was more than happy to take care of myself.

As of yesterday, it marks the 4th anniversary of the day when I signed for the keys and moved in to my first place. I was only 20 at the time, but I had been chomping at the bit to start a new and exciting life, little had I known that this adventure would lead me to places that I had never even thought possible. Not that I mind, it all comes together to form life's rich tapestry and everything that goes with it.

I guess I am happy with the way things are right now.

Loves
Wendy xx